poem of the shore

[silent deadly alchemist]

i sw this painting on a forum BleachAnime.org » Bleach 178 » Bleach 317 » Online Portal for Bleach Anime Episode Direct Download and i saw a painting by one of the members displayed in it

midnight dream by ~daRkLunah26 on deviantART

and just out of nowhere ideas came to my head and i ened up writing this poem, well i think its a poem.

ill title it... 'sadness of the night'

a moonlit night at the waters edge,
the willows by the shore,
petals falling branches drooping
ever more and more

and if i were to ask them,
"why are you sad"
i wonder how they would answer,
what would be that makes theem feel bad.

i wonder what theyd talk about
i wonder what theyd say
i wonder if theyd reminisce over
he warmth of the summers day

i wonder if they would say,
"we hate the cold of the night"
the coldness of the still water
and of the soft moonlight?

and so id sit and listen,
by the moonlit shore
learning from the willows
until forever more.


how does it sound... i dont know poetry very much but here it is i doubt ill write any other pieces.... meh.

[whitefox]

Warning: The following views represented are my own, and may or may not be found offensive to the author of this poem. I try to use constructive criticism, but also attempt to be blunt to be able to "get the message across". I hope this helps.

First off, good job! You took the time to write a poem, and even better, wrote exactly what you thought (in that it sort of just "came to you"), which many people find troublesome at times. I feel that it reflected the other work of art quite truly, and also found the use of literary devices to add a touch of unique-ness to the poem.

I'll explain in further detail:

-End rhyme
It's pretty common, but the scheme was consistent and continued throughout the entire poem. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose, but I particularly enjoyed how you used the same rhyme for the first and last lines (rhyming "shore" and "more").

-Stanza
Again, this is common in poems, but gives it a nice structure.

-Repetition
The "I wonder..." is repeated three times successively in the third stanza, but is also found in other stanzas. The way you integrated it was alright as well.

I'm sure there's a bit more, but I won't analyze past that. Now, on to the second part, by which I mean grammar and spelling. Sadly, there was no capitalization whatsoever. I know it's poetry and all, but with your other elements such as stanza, capitalization (at the beginning of every line, and for proper nouns) would have been nice.

Also lacking was punctuation (not required, but commonly used at the end of every line, whether it be a comma, period, exclamation mark, etc.), and apostrophes! How could you not include those? You might find all this somewhat picky, but it really does make the piece seem nicer. It's like adding gift wrap to a cardboard box. It doesn't change what is inside of the box, but it makes the entire appearance seem better.

Like: I wonder what they'd talk about.

Versus: i wonder what theyd talk about

Errors like that were located throughout the poem. If you would fix that, then I know more people would read it, or at least try to read it instead of looking at the errors and leaving before giving it a second chance. Oh well, I hope you can find some more inspiration, 'cause it's quite hard to do that. Inspiration is a very elusive little critter .

-whitefox

[silent deadly alchemist]

im confused actually, which parts are the positivves and which are negatives??

i take it my main problems were lack of grammer and punctuation

but in terms of poetic techniques i did ok