CH 1. The new GUY [(m/m) (fur) (no yiff) (romance later in story)

Samaki · 29-06-2008

I do realize that the ending isn't finished, well it's because for some reason whenever I try to save some documents word glitches up and turns off and back on and it only saves a little bit of the document, thankfully I only lost about 5 paragraphs, when I finish the whole chapter I will update my post.

BTW there MAY be a Yiff part later on in the story, although it won't be just for the yiff there is a point to it, I don't wanna give any spoilers but I'm planning something big and in order for it to be really big I think that there has to be yiff. So you might nto want to read if you do not enjoy yiff but you really like my story... sorry.

CH. 1 THE NEW GUY

“KEITH YOUR GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK!” he heard his mom yell.

It had been one crazy night, the end of the school year party. It was really fun but now he was starting to regret it.

Keith got up and went to turn the water on. While the water warmed up Keith looked at himself in the mirror, not bad he thought.

He was an average sized otter, sort of short, but not bad. He was 16 at a height of 5’6”, he played on the water polo team, and almost the best on the team, the only man better was Tommy who was really good.

Keith jumped into the shower, and yelped, he had accidentally turned the heat on all the way, and he slowly reached through the water to the handle and made it cooler. He stood in the back of the shower until it cooled off, then he finished his business and turned the water off.

He quickly got dressed and came downstairs where his mother was waiting for him. “You really need so set your alarm clock, I can’t keep waking you up so early you know”, she handed him a piece of toast and he was out the door as fast as he could.

He jumped into his car and started it up, at first it didn’t start but after a few turns of the key it jumped to life. He looked at the time, thinking he wouldn’t be able to make it, and then realized he still had 30 minutes to get there. “Overreacting like always mom” he though while driving away.

He got to the Sea Lamp about 20 minutes after he had left the driveway, so he decided to stay in the car for a little while and listen to music. After about 5 minutes he got out and walked up to the restaurants entrance, and waited until his boss came to open the door, his boss still didn’t trust him with the key even though he had been working there for 3 months and had not had one problem yet.

His boss opened the door and told him he could come in. Keith went into the back of the restaurant to get all of the lights on and get the stoves running. He came back out to the front to see his boss talking to a black fox, maybe a half a foot taller than himself. He walked over to them and asked what was going on.

“Well Keith” he started with a tone that didn’t sound exactly good to Keith “we’ve needed more staff ever since Donny left. Well this is Eric; he will be helping you and me out.”

Keith wasn’t mad more of surprised, he thought everything had been going fine, and didn’t know why they needed another helping hand. “Well alright” he said “does he need any training or anything?” his boss laughed “always on top of things aren’t you my boy? Well actually yes I believe he does, get him started on cash register and teach him everything about it, and we’ll see how he does from there”. Keith nodded and brought Eric to the counter.

“Hi, I’m Eric” the new guy said as they walked to the cash register. “Keith”, Keith said with a smile on his face, “I’ve been working here for a while, if you need anything just ask alright?” Eric nodded.

Keith gave him the general rundown of the cash register, and then brought over 2 chairs over. He sat down and patted the chair next to him; he decided that if he was going to work with someone new he should know him. Eric sat down.

“So”, Keith sad “what school do you go to?”

“I go to Lionsquare High” he replied.

“Oh I heard that it was really nice”

“Well it has its ups and downs, the outside areas are nice but the indoors areas, are really gross”

“I’m sorry to hear that” Keith said.

“What school do you go to?” Eric asked.

“I go to Winterpress, do you know where that is?”

“Um, isn’t that the one a few miles from here right near the old church?”

“Sure is”, Keith said.

“I’ve been there a few times, mainly to watch the drama performances”

“Oh yeah, the drama department is pretty good at out school”

They continued on for about 20 minutes talking about school when a customer came in.

“High welcome to the Sea Lamp” Keith said.

“Oh high”

“Now what would you like sir?”

The giant Lion looked up at the menu “Um, actually I would just like a soup please”

“Alright which type may I ask?”

“Hm, maybe the Chicken Noodle.”

“Alright sir” Keith said, he faced Eric “Now you see this button here?” Eric looked at where Keith’s finger was pointing too and nodded “This is for soup, then you need to press what number the soup is, which Chicken Noodle is 3 so you do soup, 3, got it?”

“Yeah, thanks” Eric said and pressed the buttons

“Will that be all?” Keith asked.

“Yes that will do thank you” the lion said.

“Now just hit enter and then get his credit card or money”

The lion overhearing this handed Eric 5 dollars.

“When its cash you need to hit the enter button again”

“Alright” Eric nodded, and hit the Enter button.

“Now type in the amount of money he gave, since its five dollars type in 5, point, 0, 0, and hit enter”

Eric typed it in and the cash register opened. “See easy as that” Keith said.

“1 dollar and 45 cents is your change sir, have a nice day and your food will be brought out to you once it’s done” Keith said.

“Thanks” the lion responded.

**whitefox** · 30-06-2008

Well, there isn't too much to comment on about the plot or anything like that yet (except for the fact it ended rather abruptly), so I'll go straight into the spelling. There were a few common mistakes, like 'alright'. It's two different words: all right. Also, high and hi are two different things. You get high.

Nothing huge with grammar, just remember that punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. When you end a sentence and put the punctuation inside of the marks, you don't have to put a period, like you did here:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samaki

“So”, Keith sad “what school do you go to?”.

In other places there was no punctuation:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samaki

“Oh I heard that it was really nice”

Otherwise, use a comma before saying "They said."

Like: "Yeah, thanks," Eric said and pressed the buttons.

Versus: "Yeah thanks" Eric said and pressed the buttons

That's it for now. I know I'm a bit rough with stuff like this, but hey, it's easier to read. Don't forget to keep writing, 'cause it would suck to have an unfinished story. They stick with you for a long time, haunting you in your sleep and stuff like that.

Samaki · 30-06-2008

Yeah, I never really did get the hand of speech in any type of story. I knew that there was a lot wrong with all of my speech... I just needed someone to point it out to me ty XD

With that out, I have an edited version of the story, I will edit my post here in a few minutes. I edited earlier today, really quickly, so it may not be great. I did add an ending though. The edit I'm going to post has not been edited since your post so I didn't edit any speech.

I now have to save it in notepad, which doesn't have a password protect to protect documents like Word does... Oh well... I have it hidden in my safe folders, so I don't think anyone will find it soon.

Colonel Brome Teks · 01-07-2008

Looks to be a good start. apart from what whitefox said, I think it is pretty well done. I'd enjoy seeing more.

Samaki · 01-07-2008

This is actually the first story I plan on actually getting past the 1st chapter... I usually get side tracked and stuff though so... yeah. I need to make a plan for it, I wrote everything there off the top of my head probably why its not very good. meh oh well, Hopefully the rest will be better.

29-06-2008	#1 (permalink)
Samaki Regular Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Florida, United States Posts: 453 Threads: 45 Wiki Edits: 1 Blog Entries: 23 Reputation: 3	CH 1. The new GUY [(m/m) (fur) (no yiff) (romance later in story) I do realize that the ending isn't finished, well it's because for some reason whenever I try to save some documents word glitches up and turns off and back on and it only saves a little bit of the document, thankfully I only lost about 5 paragraphs, when I finish the whole chapter I will update my post. BTW there MAY be a Yiff part later on in the story, although it won't be just for the yiff there is a point to it, I don't wanna give any spoilers but I'm planning something big and in order for it to be really big I think that there has to be yiff. So you might nto want to read if you do not enjoy yiff but you really like my story... sorry. CH. 1 THE NEW GUY “KEITH YOUR GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK!” he heard his mom yell. It had been one crazy night, the end of the school year party. It was really fun but now he was starting to regret it. Keith got up and went to turn the water on. While the water warmed up Keith looked at himself in the mirror, not bad he thought. He was an average sized otter, sort of short, but not bad. He was 16 at a height of 5’6”, he played on the water polo team, and almost the best on the team, the only man better was Tommy who was really good. Keith jumped into the shower, and yelped, he had accidentally turned the heat on all the way, and he slowly reached through the water to the handle and made it cooler. He stood in the back of the shower until it cooled off, then he finished his business and turned the water off. He quickly got dressed and came downstairs where his mother was waiting for him. “You really need so set your alarm clock, I can’t keep waking you up so early you know”, she handed him a piece of toast and he was out the door as fast as he could. He jumped into his car and started it up, at first it didn’t start but after a few turns of the key it jumped to life. He looked at the time, thinking he wouldn’t be able to make it, and then realized he still had 30 minutes to get there. “Overreacting like always mom” he though while driving away. He got to the Sea Lamp about 20 minutes after he had left the driveway, so he decided to stay in the car for a little while and listen to music. After about 5 minutes he got out and walked up to the restaurants entrance, and waited until his boss came to open the door, his boss still didn’t trust him with the key even though he had been working there for 3 months and had not had one problem yet. His boss opened the door and told him he could come in. Keith went into the back of the restaurant to get all of the lights on and get the stoves running. He came back out to the front to see his boss talking to a black fox, maybe a half a foot taller than himself. He walked over to them and asked what was going on. “Well Keith” he started with a tone that didn’t sound exactly good to Keith “we’ve needed more staff ever since Donny left. Well this is Eric; he will be helping you and me out.” Keith wasn’t mad more of surprised, he thought everything had been going fine, and didn’t know why they needed another helping hand. “Well alright” he said “does he need any training or anything?” his boss laughed “always on top of things aren’t you my boy? Well actually yes I believe he does, get him started on cash register and teach him everything about it, and we’ll see how he does from there”. Keith nodded and brought Eric to the counter. “Hi, I’m Eric” the new guy said as they walked to the cash register. “Keith”, Keith said with a smile on his face, “I’ve been working here for a while, if you need anything just ask alright?” Eric nodded. Keith gave him the general rundown of the cash register, and then brought over 2 chairs over. He sat down and patted the chair next to him; he decided that if he was going to work with someone new he should know him. Eric sat down. “So”, Keith sad “what school do you go to?” “I go to Lionsquare High” he replied. “Oh I heard that it was really nice” “Well it has its ups and downs, the outside areas are nice but the indoors areas, are really gross” “I’m sorry to hear that” Keith said. “What school do you go to?” Eric asked. “I go to Winterpress, do you know where that is?” “Um, isn’t that the one a few miles from here right near the old church?” “Sure is”, Keith said. “I’ve been there a few times, mainly to watch the drama performances” “Oh yeah, the drama department is pretty good at out school” They continued on for about 20 minutes talking about school when a customer came in. “High welcome to the Sea Lamp” Keith said. “Oh high” “Now what would you like sir?” The giant Lion looked up at the menu “Um, actually I would just like a soup please” “Alright which type may I ask?” “Hm, maybe the Chicken Noodle.” “Alright sir” Keith said, he faced Eric “Now you see this button here?” Eric looked at where Keith’s finger was pointing too and nodded “This is for soup, then you need to press what number the soup is, which Chicken Noodle is 3 so you do soup, 3, got it?” “Yeah, thanks” Eric said and pressed the buttons “Will that be all?” Keith asked. “Yes that will do thank you” the lion said. “Now just hit enter and then get his credit card or money” The lion overhearing this handed Eric 5 dollars. “When its cash you need to hit the enter button again” “Alright” Eric nodded, and hit the Enter button. “Now type in the amount of money he gave, since its five dollars type in 5, point, 0, 0, and hit enter” Eric typed it in and the cash register opened. “See easy as that” Keith said. “1 dollar and 45 cents is your change sir, have a nice day and your food will be brought out to you once it’s done” Keith said. “Thanks” the lion responded. Last edited by Samaki; 02-07-2008 at 02:42 AM.

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30-06-2008	#3 (permalink)
Samaki Regular Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Florida, United States Posts: 453 Threads: 45 Wiki Edits: 1 Blog Entries: 23 Reputation: 3	Yeah, I never really did get the hand of speech in any type of story. I knew that there was a lot wrong with all of my speech... I just needed someone to point it out to me ty XD With that out, I have an edited version of the story, I will edit my post here in a few minutes. I edited earlier today, really quickly, so it may not be great. I did add an ending though. The edit I'm going to post has not been edited since your post so I didn't edit any speech. I now have to save it in notepad, which doesn't have a password protect to protect documents like Word does... Oh well... I have it hidden in my safe folders, so I don't think anyone will find it soon.

01-07-2008	#4 (permalink)
Colonel Brome Teks Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Wisconsin, USA Age: 17 Posts: 607 Threads: 13 Gallery Uploads: 19 Wiki Edits: 3 Blog Entries: 1 Reputation: 6	Looks to be a good start. apart from what whitefox said, I think it is pretty well done. I'd enjoy seeing more.

01-07-2008	#5 (permalink)
Samaki Regular Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Florida, United States Posts: 453 Threads: 45 Wiki Edits: 1 Blog Entries: 23 Reputation: 3	This is actually the first story I plan on actually getting past the 1st chapter... I usually get side tracked and stuff though so... yeah. I need to make a plan for it, I wrote everything there off the top of my head probably why its not very good. meh oh well, Hopefully the rest will be better.