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09-07-2008
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#32 (permalink) |
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Chapter Eight! Sorry for the long wait, everyone! Still, please enjoy and leave me feedback! I need it to improve
 Chapter Eight The confession to Trisha actually helped me to realize that maybe my quirk wasn’t such a bad thing. I mean, sure it wasn’t something that I’d go out and publicly announce, but it would be something that I could accept instead of loathe and try to push aside. Even better was the fact that Trisha lived about twenty minutes away from my house, which meant that over the summer break we’d be able to hang out. Our friendship grew with every conversation we had until we talked to each other about everything. I had even helped her with her psychology project, which she mysteriously chose to do on infantilism…didn’t see that one coming…not. She asked me all sorts of questions regarding what kind of things triggered my desires, how I coped with them, how I felt about the whole thing, stuff like that. All of this was done under complete confidentiality, and since none of her colleagues knew me too well, I was never approached or suspected of being her subject (not to my knowledge, anyway). May crept up on me like a shadow in the night, and before I knew it, my first year of college was officially done. Everything was a blur, though, with the exception of one thing: Jill. I couldn’t stop thinking about her for some reason. Part of me actually worried about how she was doing and what the outcome of her pregnancy was. I kept her screen name on my messenger program, and occasionally she’d pop up for a few minutes, but neither she nor myself bothered to send a message. This only increased my curiosity. I searched my city for jobs the first week I returned from college in an attempt to keep myself busy and have a steady source of income. That, and my parents had been nagging me about finding a summer job because they wanted me to start helping with some of the bills. That’s when I landed a temporary job at the local retail store, Bullseye. Selling merchandise and dealing with customers all summer didn’t sound too appealing to me, so I got a position in the backroom of the store, meaning I’d be doing all of the behind the scenes work. I only asked for 20-30 hours a week because I really didn’t care about making a lot of money at the time, and I wanted to enjoy my three and a half months off from classes. A couple hundred bucks a week was all I needed to live comfortably that summer. However, God had a good sense of humor that year. You see, since I wasn’t the only person working in the back, they had to split up which sections that we covered, and take a wild guess what I got for the entire freaking summer. Yeah…the baby section (and also the sports section). I was taunted every time I worked as I pulled out various kinds of diapers, bottles, and other baby items. God knew what He was doing, and He thought it was funny. I smiled, too, but I also yearned to have another experience like I did with Jill, which made me upset since I knew that my luck with her was one of a kind. Who would’ve guessed that she and I would cross paths once again on yet another fateful day? Three weeks after I’d settled back into my parents’ house, I drove down to the lake to skip stones. It was something I did while I sorted out the many things on my mind. With each stone I placed a thought, and by throwing them, it signified that I was done thinking about that particular thing. After about twelve stones, Jill’s stone came up. It was perfectly flat, but its edges were jagged, and its orange/red color made it stick out among the other ones that I’d thrown. I held it firmly between my index finger and thumb and got ready to throw it. Just as I was about to release the stone, however, my phone began to vibrate in my left pocket. Must be Trisha. I smiled as I pulled my phone out and checked to see who it was…it was Jill. My heart pounded and my insides burned as I felt the phone shake. I was torn between picking up the phone and ignoring the call. I wished to repair our broken bridge, but I also couldn’t shake off what was said between us. What she said about me. How foolish and mean she was. That time we had. That weekend that was everything but ordinary. I held my breath, opened the phone, and put it to my ear. “Hello?” I said in a shaky tone. “John…please…don’t hang up.” Jill sobbed, her voice sounding raspy as if she’d been screaming for hours. “Jill? What-what’s wrong?” “I can’t take it anymore! Please don’t leave me like he did! Please don’t hate me anymore! I’m so sorry for everything!” Everything bad I’d thought about regarding Jill was pushed aside in mere milliseconds, as her voice jabbed at my heart and broke little pieces of it with each cry. “Jesus, are you crying? I won’t hang up. What’s the matter?” “I can’t…I can’t tell you on the phone. Please. Can we talk in person? I’ll give you gas money and-” I don’t remember how she finished the sentence, but it ended with a cry as well. My brain told me not to waste my time, but my heart told me this wasn’t a ploy or a ‘I was wrong and I’m crawling back to you’ scenario. The sound of her voice told me this was something much more serious. “Tell me where to meet you, Jill.” She told me she was living in a town between my college and hers; quite the drive for me, but I had the next couple of days off, and I’d have felt terrible if I ignored her cries. After I got her address, I told her I’d be there as fast as I could and was soon in my car and gunning it down the interstate. My car’s clock read 9:00pm when I reached the street that Jill lived on. I immediately noticed her red car in a driveway a few yards down and pulled in behind it. The air was colder than a normal May evening as I exited my car and headed up the steps of the little brick half-house. A welcome mat lay perfectly on the porch and a set of wind chimes twirled about slowly as I made a few light knocks on the heavy wooden door. Within seconds it opened, and there stood Jill, her eyes filled with tears and her complexion trembling uncontrollably. “John?!” she cried as she fell into my arms and sobbed. She was a living train wreck! There was a faint smell of liquor coming from her house, and when I looked in I could see some empty bottles lying on the floor. This wasn’t the Jill I knew. “I didn’t think you’d come.” I didn’t think I would, either. “You sounded awful on the phone. I couldn’t just leave you hanging!” “But what about what I said to-” “Forget it. We’ll talk about it later. Now, what on Earth is going on with you?” Jill led me into her living room as she pulled some tissues out of her pocket and wiped her face. Tears still rolled down her face, and I could see the sadness in her eyes. That’s when I noticed something: there was no baby stuff in the living room. No crib, no diapers, no baby bottles, no scent of babyish things, and no baby crying. And where was her boyfriend? I almost made a comment about how quiet the house was, but I didn’t want to upset Jill even further. “So…what’s going on?” I asked. “Well...nothing good.” Jill frowned. “Come on. You can’t mean that!” “John, you don’t understand. I was going to call you last month, but I wasn’t sure if you were going to pick up. I-I had-I had a miscarriage.” Have you ever seen a show where when someone drops the bomb you can hear either a record scratch or glass breaking? Yeah, it was kind of like that, except it sounded and felt more like a gunshot to me. All of my assumptions about how Jill was doing were completely wrong, and immediately I felt guilty for not calling her. “Oh, my God,” I said as Jill started to cry once again, “I’m so sorry!” Jill leaned into my shoulder and placed her head on it as I instinctively hugged her and cursed myself for not learning how to forgive sooner. I couldn’t imagine the pain she felt. All of that excitement and nervousness about having a baby, the baby shower, the baby things bought in preparation for the new arrival, all for nothing. It was the ultimate low blow given by God. Her crying lasted for another minute or so, but she soon lifted her head from my shoulder and looked back at me. “When did you find out?” “About a month ago. I told Nick about it, and he seemed upset about it at first, but then he started drinking. A lot. He started blaming me for the baby’s death, even though I didn’t do anything wrong! I didn’t smoke or drink, or do anything that might harm him!” “He blamed you?!” I asked as I began thinking of ways to beat this Nick character up. “Yeah.” Jill looked down at the floor. “He told me it was my fault. But then he started distancing himself from me. He’d come home drunk and tell me how he was kind of glad that I had the miscarriage because-I’m sorry…” Jill paused as she shook. “…because he didn’t have to commit to our relationship anymore. He said that without the baby around, he didn’t have to pay any child support or anything…and he left. He left me here, alone…” It had been a long, long while since I’d been extremely angry with somebody, but that day, I broke the streak. I didn’t have a clue as to what Nick looked like, but I wanted him on the ground and bloody and bruised. I bit my lip in spite of showing Jill how upset I was. “Jeez, Jill. Well, I’ll stay here as long as I can, which is actually until Tuesday since I have to go back to work.” I said with a light laugh to try and lighten the mood. Jill gave me a light smile, and then thanked me with another hug, only this was one was much bigger than the last. I returned the hug, but felt inclined to make sure that I still kept a bit of a distance between me and Jill, not because I was angry with her, but because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t fall for her again (at least, not for a while, just in case she had some other beau that I didn’t know about). The night had been a crazy one, kind of like an odd dream where you’re unable to tell if it’s fantasy or reality. I was glad to have been there for my old friend, and I was also glad that I was given the opportunity to repair our relationship. Once again, things would only get better from here… TO BE CONTINUED AS USUAL  Let me know what you think please 
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18-07-2008
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#35 (permalink) |
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Regular
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So everyone! I apologize for such a long wait between Chapter Eight and Chapter Nine! But I have been working like a dog and can barely squeeze in my writing.
BUT!!!!! I have it done now! Your patience serves all of you well, and now I present Chapter Nine. It is a bit long, but I'm still hoping it's believable. So please let me know! Here it is: Chapter Nine For the next two days I would be staying with Jill. We didn’t talk about where I’d be sleeping or any of that, but I still told myself that I’d be sleeping on her couch. The waters had yet to be cleared, and I didn’t think that we’d be able to pick up right where we left off since it had been so long. Once Jill was comforted, I asked her three times if she was okay (you know, the “you okay?”, the “are you sure?” and the “are you positive?”) and once I believed that she was, we talked to each other about how our first year of college was. Jill, regardless of her being pregnant, continued to go to college. She’d told me that her plan was to finish her first year, then have the baby and take a year off, and then finish up her education. I asked her how she wound up in the half-house, to which she told me that Nick helped her find it when he was still a gentleman (which in my opinion, the bastard couldn’t have been one at all, especially after the way he treated Jill). She also told me that on top of going to college full time, she also had to work full time to help pay the rent. “Good God! How did you manage? I can barely work full time when I’m on vacation!” I chuckled. “I don’t know. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. I was so afraid of failing and not being able to get through this that I had to take my mind off of it. So, on top of college, I figured a job would keep me busy.” “I see.” A silence filled the air for a brief moment. I thought about how much of an idiot I was for not being there for Jill sooner. All that time I kept throwing a pity party for myself for what she’d said to me, and she had it ten times worse than I did. I’m not saying that I shouldn’t have felt bad, but I am saying that I should’ve learned to let go of my past sooner. Then maybe some of this wouldn’t have happened, or if it did still happen, I could’ve rescued my old friend sooner. “John?” Jill asked as she looked over at me, our bodies sitting side by side on her plush white couch. “Yeah?” “I’m sorry.” There it was. The look in her eyes was sincere, and it melted away my feeling of self-loathing as I remembered once again what she’d said to me when we went our separate ways. I could feel something climbing up my throat. “Did you hear me?” I nodded my head and looked down at the floor. “I was very stupid at the time, and I shouldn’t have said the things that I did.” “I shouldn’t have said some of the things I did, either.” I said in regret. “Oh, no, John! We were both mad.” “It was more than that, Jill.” I swallowed hard. “You-I-you were the only person I ever told about my secret, and you didn’t care. You even went so far as to indulge me! Never before had anyone made me feel so good about myself, and then you made me feel like such a freak!” Months of leaving my sadness to age in my heart finally got the best of me, and I sobbed as I continued to talk. “I loved you so much! You were there for me all of the time, and then all of that stuff happened, and then I couldn’t find it in myself to talk to you! And I couldn’t be there for you when you needed because I wasn’t man enough to forgive you sooner! Now look! Only after you’ve lost so much can I be here, and now I’m babbling on like a fool!” “Aw, John!” was all she could say as she pulled my head onto her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jill! I’m sorry I couldn’t have made amends sooner!” We exchanged apologies for another brief period of time as we held onto each other and comforted one another. The weight on my chest was lifted as I allowed months of torment to escape through my eyes and mouth. It was a very emotional couple of hours that night, but in all honesty, it felt pretty good. It was as if I had shed my skin, evolved…reformed, if you will. I half-expected to see credits roll up Jill’s wall after that, but apparently much more was in store for me, and it wasn’t a bad thing. After we poured our thoughts and feelings all over the living room, Jill cooked up some little pizza bagels for us to munch on before we went to sleep. It was late, I was tired, and I just wanted the day to come to a close. We ate the bagels slowly at her kitchen table. Neither of us spoke, but we just kind of passed smiles to each other. Jill gave me the same smile she had when she first met me at my college, and while my mind told me that I was falling for her again, my heart warned me that it would hurt if I was left to fall again. Once we finished eating, Jill went up to her room and quickly returned with some bedding for the couch. I was glad that she hadn’t asked me to sleep with her at that time, because I’d have felt a little awkward if I had to tell her that I wasn’t interested. I set up my sleeping spot quickly, and moments later I was ready to call it a night. I didn’t have any night clothes or any other clothes for that matter, with the exception of what I was wearing. I decided to wait for Jill to go to sleep before I removed my shirt and shorts. “Well, it’s been one hell of a day.” I said with a sigh of relief. “You’re telling me!” “Makes me wonder if I’m going to wake up in my own bed. Everything’s such a blur.” “I couldn’t agree with you more.” “Well, I think I’m ready to get some sleep, so I will see you in the morning, Jill.” I smiled. “Sounds good.” she said. I was just about to turn off the lamp next to the couch when Jill spoke once more. “Oh, John?” “Yes?” “Thank you. For everything.” “You’re welcome. And thank you.” Jill came closer and we found ourselves hugging each other once again. Everything my heart told me was drowned out by her warm embrace. Just as we went to pull away from each other, Jill reached forward and kissed me lightly on the side of my face, then pulled back and smiled. I stared into her emerald eyes, my mind full of static. Part of me wanted to kiss her back, but another part of me still wondered if the whole thing was just a mind game. “Jill, I-” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. “Don’t know what to say?” “It’s just that I don’t think I’d be able to take another heartbreak if things went wrong again.” “I know I messed up, John. Really, really messed up. But if you’re willing to let me, I’d like to work this out and try to help you fix your heart.” I always was a sucker for sweet words, and though I knew there was that risk of being thrown under a bus for a second time, I wanted to try again. If Jill wasn’t the one for me, then why was I given this opportunity to make amends with her, and why did she kiss me? “Well, what do you say?” she asked with a hint of hope and eagerness in her voice. Instead of giving her a reply, I simply kissed her on the side of her face, just as she had done with me. Her smooth skin felt just as good on my lips as it had the many months before. I could smell a faint scent of that same perfume she’d worn the last time. My brain would be filled with questions of my decision for the rest of the night, but I kept telling myself that things would work this time around, even if it took a while. “I take that as a yes?” Jill giggled. “Yes.” Jill had a brief look of lust in her eyes, but I think she knew better, plus, I was overtired. We slept in separate places that night, her on her bed, and I on her couch, but something told me that the following night we’d be sharing a sleeping space again. * * * The following morning, I was awakened by the sound of rain hitting the living room window. I groggily stretched out on the couch and yawned. The night before slowly played through my head, but it was all fuzzy, as if it were some kind of dream sequence. It took me a couple of minutes to remember where I was, but then I heard a female humming and smelled bacon; I was at Jill’s. Once I felt I was coherent enough to interact with other people, I drudged my way into Jill’s kitchen. The white linoleum floor complemented the bright wood finish of the counter and cabinets. To the right was a stove, which was currently being complemented by Jill. She continued to hum as the smell of breakfast overpowered my nose. “Good morning.” I mumbled as I yawned once again. “Good morning.” Jill replied. “Are you hungry?” “Sure!” I looked over at the microwave to check the time. Ten o’clock in the morning. I’d slept in later than usual, but then again, the previous day had taken a lot out of me. “How’d you sleep?” Jill asked. “Like a-” I stopped myself short. “-a log. You?” “I slept fairly well, too! Actually, it was probably the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a couple of months!” “Good to hear.” I smiled. We chatted about different things while she finished preparing our food. I told her that I’d need to go out later to get some clothes since I didn’t have anything clean to wear over the next couple of days. It was then decided that we’d go out after breakfast to pick up some clothes. Scrambled eggs, bacon, and some toast with butter. The cliché breakfast that never seemed to get old (hey, it’s way better than college food!). We ate quietly that morning, but occasionally exchanged smiles. By half past ten we were finished eating, and Jill offered to take my plate and utensils. I was stubborn and followed her into the kitchen with my dishes in hand. “You’re such a dork.” she chuckled. “Yeah, I know. But hey! People like me, so I must be doing something right.” “You haven’t changed a bit!” “Neither have you!” More laughter ensued as we got ready for our trip into town. I was in and out of the shower in no more than ten minutes. As for Jill? Well, you know how long it can take some people. We were up and out the door at about noon, if that tells you anything. Jill showed me around the town, including where she worked and where her favorite restaurant was. I tried to deny my feelings that morning, but I soon came to accept that even though we’d only just been hanging out with each other for not even a day, I felt that closeness again. That friendship was coming back and filling in the gap we had, and I liked it. This is what I want. Please don’t take her away from me again. I prayed as we headed to the nearest clothing store. The trip lasted a brief twenty minutes; not something I expected since Jill kept on eyeing some of the shirts while we shopped. I picked up a button down shirt, some khaki shorts, and a pack of boxers. We would’ve been out of the store sooner, but not only were each type of clothing scattered throughout the store, but we had this old lady in front of us who decided that she wanted to pay the cashier in nothing but coins. Yeah, you can only imagine how frustrating that was! I had whispered to Jill that I wanted to pay for the lady’s clothing so she’d get out of our way, but Jill just nudged me and snickered. As I went to make my purchase, I noticed Jill focusing on the corner of the store. I paid no attention to it at first, but once I received my receipt and bag, I stood behind her and tried to see what she was seeing. That’s when I realized that she was staring at the baby clothing section of the store. There was an end cap with a picture of a woman holding her baby up in the air, both smiling and without a care in the world. I didn’t want to stir up any negative feelings, so I simply asked, “Are you ready, Jill?” “Hm? Oh…yeah! I’m sorry, I was just thinking.” she replied with a sigh. I could see it in her eyes that it made her sad to see what she would’ve had, and that’s when it made me think: I was an infantilist. I liked to assume the role of an infant, and I wanted to be with Jill. But Jill lost her child in a miscarriage, so would that mean that she’d want nothing to do with that side of me anymore? Would it bring back the painful memories of when she found out she lost her baby? Would it be too much for her? Even worse, would I be able to let that part of my life go if that’s what it took to be with Jill? The thoughts lingered for the rest of the day, but I didn’t allow them to rain on my parade. It was a pretty uneventful day after the clothing store. We grabbed a bite to eat, held some more conversations, and went on a stroll down the sidewalks of the town, all in the course of five hours. Before we knew it, dinnertime was near. “Ugh, I really don’t feel like cooking tonight. Do you want to go to a restaurant?” Jill asked excitedly. “You’re like a kid on Christmas morning, dork!” I joked. “But sure!” “Awesome. There’s this amazing bar and grill I go to every other week for the food. And no, I didn’t ever drink during my pregnancy!” “I wouldn’t think of you being the type to do something so dangerous, anyway! Well, let’s get going!” Her comment threw me off for a bit, but then I figured that her ex had probably accused her of doing that, too. I shrugged it off and we made the five minute drive out to the restaurant while Jill ranted and raved about how good their hamburgers were. The inside of the bar was very well-lit, which made me more comfortable about eating there, some classic rock music played quietly beneath the different conversations going on and the bottle caps being popped off of the drinks at the barstool. Everything seemed alright, which is what I wanted. There’s just something about bars that make me uncomfortable. I guess it’s because you really can never know when some drunken idiot might lose it and start a fight. Jill said hello to the hostess and we were soon seated at one of the booths. Within moments a waitress came over to us and took our order. I picked a Swiss mushroom melt burger and a cherry cola, and Jill ordered a root beer and the “Bacon Blitz” burger, whatever that was. “So, what’s on your mind, John?” Jill asked. I never understood why people asked that question, mostly because I hated answering it. It’s one thing if people are brainstorming and someone says, “what are you thinking?”, but this was an instance where the person asking me the question really wanted to pick at my brain. “Where did that come from?” I chuckled. “I don’t know. It seems like you’ve been thinking a lot today.” “That obvious, eh?” “Haha! Yeah, kind of.” “Hmmm…” “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.” “It’s not that. It’s just that I’m wondering if it’s too soon.” “Ahh, I hate when that happens.” “Me too...” “Well, we can talk about something else if you’d like.” I so badly wanted to tell her how I didn’t want to lose her again, and how I’d try my best to give up my babyish desires if it became too hard for her to participate, but part of me thought that it was too soon. Not only too soon between Jill and I, but also too soon to bring up my infantilist side to her again since it’d only been a month and a half since she had her miscarriage. “Sure, why not?” Our order was brought to us just as we were about to talk some more. “Perfect timing.” I joked as I picked up my hamburger. “You’re such a nerd!” “Guilty as charged!” We held up our burgers and started eating, and I must say that I was more than pleased with mine. It was cooked to perfection! Jill bit into her sandwich and for some reason almost choked on it. Then a look of terror filled her eyes, like she’d seen a ghost. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?” I asked. “It’s Nick.” TO BE CONTINUED WITHOUT FAIL Okay, so here it is. Your thoughts???? |
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