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13-06-2008
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#23 (permalink) |
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Regular
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Sorry for such a long pause between Five and Six, but here it is! I will not warn you of what's ahead. Just have some tissues handy. Here goes...
Chapter Six The morning came rather quickly on that Sunday. Jill had her things packed in almost no time, and we grabbed a quick bite to eat for breakfast. Both of us had homework to do since we’d spent most of the weekend with each other (not that either of us minded). Once breakfast was eaten, I walked Jill back to her car with a slight feeling of separation anxiety in my chest. Visions of her using her maternal instincts on me strengthened my bond with her, and I knew we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a few more weeks. “It’ll go by faster than you think!” she said as I put her bags in her trunk. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” “Well, I guess this is goodbye!” “Wait, Jill. I—thank you. Not just for last night, but for this whole weekend. I hope you had as much of a good time as I did.” “Yeah.” That one word and the way it was said should’ve been my first clue that something was up, but no. I brushed it off and hugged my friend. Her door closed, and then she was on her way back, away from me. I smiled as I kept thinking about the time we had. From golfing to me being babied, the weekend went by flawlessly, and I felt like a new man. I’d never felt that way about anyone, and Jill allowed me to put so much trust in her! Such a dark secret I had and such a rare thing for someone like me to find a woman like her! But, all good things must come to an end, and I had to learn it the hard way… A couple of weeks had passed. Classes went fine, and the friendship between me and my suitemates grew tremendously. Dan and Chris (my other suitemate) definitely liked a lot of the same things as I did, and we talked about pretty much anything (with the exception of you know what). I knew I’d consider them my brothers within just a few more months! Jill, on the other hand, messaged me less and less with the passage of time. Our conversations would end abruptly with a “I g2g...bye!” and then she’d vanish. No emails, no calls. I told myself that she was busy and that she’d be coming up the following week. She didn’t. Instead, she sent me a text message with some excuse in which I can’t even remember. I was crushed! I’d had my share of people stand me up before, but this time it hurt worse than ever before. I hadn’t even asked her to come and baby me that weekend because I really just wanted to spend some more time with her. Sure, being babied would have been lovely, but at the same time, I didn’t feel that I needed it then. I called Jill on the Sunday of that weekend to ask her if she wanted me to come up to visit her one weekend, but I got her voicemail. What’s the sense in leaving a message? Something’s wrong…but what could it be? Does she hate me? Is she freaked out? I have to know! Unanswered questions ran through my brain for the following three days, and they got in the way of my normal daily routine. I couldn’t focus in class, I wasn’t very hungry, and I kept telling myself that it was my fault. Then that Wednesday night, she appeared on the messenger program. Me: Jill! Where’ve you been? Jill: Around. Me: I’m sorry you couldn’t make it out this past weekend, but I was wondering if you wanted me to come up sometime. I’d love to visit! Jill: Doesn’t matter to me. Something was terribly wrong! This wasn’t Jill! Me: You okay? You’ve been acting kind of strange lately… Jill: Meh. What’s it to you? Me: Are you serious right now? I’m your friend and I care about you! There was no answer for a few minutes. That’s when I knew what would happen, but like a moth that’s attracted to the flame, I went further in. Me: Did I say or do something wrong a couple of weeks ago? I mean, it seems that ever since you left here you’ve stopped talking to me, but you seemed to be enjoying yourself when we hung out. Jill: Oh, John…how do I put this… Was she gay? Did I creep her out? The box was about to be opened! Jill: I just…look. You’re a really great guy. Oh no… Jill: And I did have a great time with you and all, but… No…no! No! This can’t be it! God! She was supposed to be the one! She knows everything! Jill: I just don’t see myself settling down with you. Me: So you stopped talking to me for a few weeks because of it? There must be something else going on, Jill. I’m not stupid, you know. There was a brief period of silence, which only made my level of suspicion higher. I imagine Jill sensed that I was angry even though I was hiding behind a computer monitor. Then, the shocker. Jill: I found out that I’m pregnant. Me: You’re ****ing kidding me. Jill: No. I’m not. Me and this guy I met at a party during the first week of college had a fling. At first I was torn between you and him, but…he wants to raise the child with me, and he’s a great guy. A nightmare. That’s what this was. A living nightmare. The woman I fell for had just chosen not to catch me, and I hit the ground. Hard. Me: I see…so you just took me for a test drive? Jill: No! Nooo. I mean, I didn’t know if I was in love with you or with Nick at the time. I was confused. She’d slept with another man. She’d found love somewhere else. Her life was ruined, and mine was soon to follow. Me: So this is it? We’re “just friends” now? There’s no hope? No chance for us? Jill: I don’t want you to bear the burden of having to raise my child with me, John. You’re a great guy and you’ve got so much going for you. Me: And once again, I’m left for dead… Jill: Oh come on! Don’t talk like that! Me: No, Jill! I will talk like that! I told you everything! EVERYTHING there is to know about me, and you accepted me for who I am! For God’s sake, you gave me the experience of a lifetime, and this is how I get repaid. You go and sleep with some dude and get knocked up! Jill: … Me: I love you, Jill! You had the opportunity to go out with me and you let it slip through your fingers! Now you’re going out with some guy because he got you pregnant. You can’t be going out with him because you love him, Jill. If you loved him you’d have talked to me about him long ago and you wouldn’t have even thought about going out with me! Then, the bombshell. Jill: Ohhh yeah. Like I’d want to go out with someone who doesn’t want to be a man all of the time. Through the heart her words went. Like daggers they cut deep into me, and I gasped in horror. I grabbed my phone and called Jill, my brain under an irreversible state of shock, rage, and sadness. Her phone rang only twice, and then she picked up. “John, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mea-” “I can’t believe you!” I screamed as I felt tears welling up in my eyes. “You would use my secret against me?! Is that what I am to you?! A half of a man?!” “I-I was mad and—” “You have made a fool of me, Jill, and you have broken my heart!” “John,” I could hear her voice crack, “I’m so sorry…I’m sorry! Please forgive me!” “I will forgive you when I feel that you actually mean that you’re sorry! Until then, don’t talk to me! Don’t call, don’t message me, and don’t even think of me for at least a month!” I shut my phone and threw it on the floor as I sobbed. I’d been betrayed a few times before, but never by somebody so close to me. And to make things worse, she’d delivered a low blow with enough force to bring me to my knees. I couldn’t stand for the half hour following our ugly conversation. The next few days my head kept replaying Jill’s last few words. “Please forgive me!” Forgive her? How could I forgive her when I could no longer forgive myself for sharing with her what I was? My perception of Jill was altered in an instant. As for my perception of myself? Let’s just say that I plummeted to many nights of drinking, sobbing, and shuddering at the thoughts of my old best friend. There was no magic, no surgery, no cure, to piece my heart and soul back together. I would continue to beat myself up over this matter well into the end of my first semester at college, and only after months of tormenting myself would I regain my self confidence. TO BE CONTINUED |
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03-07-2008
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#27 (permalink) |
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Regular
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Sorry it's been so long, folks! I was in the hospital, then I was on vacation. So, here is a short but good chapter!!!!! Tell me what you think
 Chapter Seven Jill never called after the first month passed. Nor did she when the first semester went by. I didn’t try to call her, either. Instead, I moved along my first semester with a sense of uncertainty of everyone around me. Sure, I had friends and colleagues whom I talked to on a regular basis, but I made sure to never let any of them get too close. No matter how nice the person was or how beautiful and kind the woman was, I’d only let them know so much about me before they reached the impassable moat I’d built around myself. Drinking also became a bi-weekly routine. Every other weekend I’d drink myself stupid with a bunch of the people living in my building, and sometimes with people who I hardly knew. The problem with alcohol is that is happens to be somewhat of a truth serum, and while I hate to admit it, that’s exactly what helped me to open myself back up to people. You see, there was a night during the last couple of weeks of my second semester when my roommates and I decided to throw a huge end of the school year/just drink like a lush party. There were many familiar and unfamiliar faces that showed up that night, but I didn’t care because I’d had a few shots of Jagermeister before everyone came to loosen up. I was buzzed to say the least, but I was told by many that I was “a happy drunk”, so the people I conversed with smiled a lot when I attempted to engage in a conversation with them. Well, after a few hours and four beers later, I managed to bump into one of the women from my English class, so I gently walked—er, stumbled over to her to say hello. She was sitting alone inside of my living room with a beer in her hand. What…is her name? Trisha! Yeah! I think… “Hey there, Trisha!” I said to the redhead loudly. “Oh, hello John.” she softly spoke. Now Trisha was one of those people who made me wonder if she liked me or not because of the way she looked at me. I could never tell if she was either angry with me or she just came off that way, but you can never be too certain with some people. “Why are you sitting in here by yourself? Most of the party’s going on outside!” “I don’t know. I’m really in the mood to talk for a bit! Would you like to talk, John, or are you too drunk?” “Well, I’m not that drunk…but I don’t want you to pull any of your psychology stuff on me if we talk!” “Oh, come now! It’s the end of the year! I wouldn’t dare, especially when you’re under the influence!” “Well, good! So, what should we talk about?” We delved into different areas of discussion from there. Trisha seemed to be more interested in what I had to say than usual, but I think it was from the drinking she’d done that night. Still, I pushed it aside and enjoyed our conversation for a couple of hours. “Oh, John! You’ve got to be one of the funniest people I know! You’re almost never like this when you’re sober!” “What do you mean?” I asked. “I mean you’re usually so distant from everybody!” “Wow…is it really that obvious?” “Yeah, actually. I mean, you’re nice all of the time, but still, I notice you don’t let anyone get too close.” “I think that alcohol has given you some kind of psychic power, Trisha!” I laughed. Trisha chuckled as she twirled her fingers around her long hair. The smell of her perfume lightly danced around my nose while the look in her eyes beckoned me to tell her what happened. I decided to play the partial truth game with her just to cover my tracks. “Nah, but you’re kind of right. I’ve had a bit of a trust issue with people since last semester.” “Ohh. What happened?” “Just…someone I thought I knew turned out to be a completely different person.” “And?” Damn it…careful what you say, John! “She used my secret against me.” I blurted out. Damn the alcohol! “Secret, eh? You’re the last person I’d expect to have a secret!” “Please. Everybody has a secret. Mine just happens to be very personal, and I plan on taking it to the grave with me.” Why do I keep talking?! Shut up John! “John, I’m officially intrigued! It sounds pretty deep!” “Well, let’s get one thing straight: I’m not gay, and I didn’t kill anybody.” I joked. “Everyone always thinks that one of those two things is the secret.” “Ha! You definitely don’t seem like the type to like other men or kill other people!” “Ohh yes,” I put on a fake lisp, “I love men and killing people!” We both burst out in laughter for a good half of a minute and almost spilled our beers while doing so. “Well, I’m not going to ask you what your secret is, John.” “And I’m probably never going to tell you what it is. The last person I told decided she thought it’d be a good idea to use it in a personal attack, and I haven’t spoken to her ever since.” “Aw, that’s horrible!” “I know.” “Well, whatever it is, I still think you’re an admirable person, and should you ever find it in you to tell me about it, I won’t think any less of you.” “Thanks, Trisha. However, I beg to differ. You see, it’s a rather touchy subject. There was one point in which I almost told my parents, but then I found out the hard way that they were completely against it. I mean, imagine having your own parents show so much disgust and arrogance towards people like me. They don’t know that I fit into that group of people, but still. It scares me to even think how others would react.” “But you shouldn’t let it fester, John. I understand that you now have a trust issue with everybody, but I mean, have you ever thought about telling a therapist or counselor?” “Please, they’d send me to the nuthouse as soon as they found out. ‘What did you come here for, John?’ ‘Oh, well you see, I like to be babied sometimes’—oh God…I didn’t just…” “Wait…what?” The alcohol became my worst enemy in that instant. I know that it was good for me to let out what was bothering me for so long, but I didn’t want it to have to be that way, especially in front of Trisha or anyone else on campus. The risks were too much for me to take. “It’s nothing, Trisha.” I felt myself sober up rather quickly as I looked away. “John, don’t feel bad.” “But why shouldn’t I? I mean, here I am, 19 years old, and I want to be the exact opposite of what I should be!” I argued as I choked up. “You weren’t there! You don’t know how hard it was for me to live with this for so long, Trisha! For years I kept it in and let it eat away at me, calling myself a freak! And then I have the courage to tell the only person I loved, and what does she do? She turns her back on me and ridicules me! That only adds to the feeling of regret!” “Look at me, John.” “What kind of man am I?! I would give anything to know why I was born with this! Was it so I could be deemed a freak by society if they found out? Was it so I could go crazy wondering why I’m attracted to such an infantile thing?!” “John,” Trisha grabbed my hand, “calm down, buddy! It’s okay!” “People always look at me like I’ve got it made and like everything’s fine, but they can’t see what I go through because they will never understand. They think I’m perfect, but I have this as my flaw…” My fear got the best of me, yet my intoxicated state of mind let my tongue and brain out of their cages. I could hardly look Trisha in the eyes. “Listen to me,” Trisha wiped some of my tears away, “it’s okay. Everyone has something about them that they can’t explain. That isn’t a flaw, John. That’s something about you that makes you happy, though I can see you’re rather personal about it, and there isn’t anything wrong with that! But don’t think I’m going to make fun of you for it. I am a psychology major, so I have heard of this kind of thing before. And do you know what? Whether you meant to tell me your secret or not, I think that you’re a very admirable man for admitting your ‘oddity.’ You have nothing to be ashamed of, and your secret is safe with me!” “Trisha…” was all I managed to say as I hugged her tightly. The “thank you” that I wanted to get out was silent, but I’m sure she knew I was grateful. She gave me a new sense of appreciation for myself and my desire. While Trisha understood, I had a feeling that she wouldn’t be the right person to try to go out with, or to ask to partake in my babying, but that was fine at the time. She soon became close friend, and she would support me through even the toughest times. Things aren’t always as they seem, though, but this time they’d take a turn for the better. TO BE CONTINUED |
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| The Infantilist Chapters of My Life | Kovalchuk | Stories in Progress | 11 | 23-03-2008 04:52 AM |
Great story, can't wait for more!
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