Paper clip

[Dave]

Author's note: I figured I would keep working on my game and long story and I am going to need your guys critical eyes to help me with this one. It helps relieve the stress of my job, moving, graduating, and starting College at Wvu this fall.This story is going to be hard to write...
Is this story true? It's as true as it needs to be. The people, places, and events of the story may or may not be real. But the feelings it inspires in the reader is real. I will never laugh or cry with many of you but maybe while reading this you will with me. This could be the story of anyone of us .

Intro:

Life is a crazy concept. You are never completely in control of it. There is only the illusion of control because at any moment it could all be over or could change completely. The dropping of a needle could change the lives of everyone on earth. Every letter of every word ever said has changed the world in even the smallest way. But this chain of events that will alter the lives of two people starts with a paper clip, which is also the end of another sequence of events:

Preface:

Melanie had always been the save the world type of girl. She worked on a small scale basis helping her friends quit drugs and just generally brightening the world for everyone around her. She just picked the wrong day to play hero. She was at the bank when three masked men decided to rob the place. As they ran through the front doors automatic weapons blazing, the lead man pulled out a pistol and fired two shots into the air. Sweat was soaking it's way through the man's shirt and he was out of breath.
"Touch the button and die." he barked at the kind woman who barely managed a whimper from her hiding spot behind the desk. "If we get what we want no body will get hurt."
But men like these never get want they want and they know it. A few short minutes later the police had already arrived. As any criminal who had watched too many movies they decide that killing a hostage would definitely get their attention.
"You there, pregnant bitch, come here." He screamed as his heart rate quickened, the full gravity of the situation finally sinking in past his adrenaline.
But before he could fire the round into the woman's stomach killing her and the baby Melanie pushed the her out of the way taking the bullet a little below her waist line and having it exit through the inside of her left thigh. After the bullet was fired the shooter was compromised and a SWAT sniper placed a bullet in the mans left eye after which it continued through his head and into the back wall of the bank, promptly followed by most of the man's brain. After which the other two men surrendered.
Melanie spent three weeks in the hospital and the town hailed her as a hero. But she now had a problem which leads us to our story.....

I really wanted to write chapter one tonight but this bit of background I think was necessary because it is the series of events that is ended by the simple act of dropping a paper clip. I would keep writing but have to sleep and work so I will continue it asap. Which could be tomorrow night

[Babyjames5]

A little more detail is in order and maybe some paragraphs. I'll definitely continue to read this if you continue to write it.

[Dave]

That was just a short Preface but I think that when I do continue this story I am going to put a lot of time into it, and do it right. I will be working on it steadily now, even at work. So if I don't post soon someone yell at me.

[betagame]

This should this be moved to Stories in Progress.

[genbaby]

It has always beeen in stories in progress.

[whitefox]

I found the level of detail okay, and although we haven't yet bonded with any of the characters, there are a few clues as to what the main character (Melanie, I'm assuming) may be like.

I'm a bit picky about certain things, such as not putting any extra space between paragraphs, just because it makes it that much easier to read. I understand that indentation is not possible (or pretty hard) with the forums, so that point is moot. Otherwise, I only noticed a few errors with grammar, one was with the dialogue:

Originally Posted by "Dave"

"Touch the button and die." he barked at the kind woman who barely managed a whimper from her hiding spot behind the desk.

You should replace that period with a comma. If it was a question or exclamation mark, then that would have been okay, but if you intend to continue the sentence after dialogue, it should be a comma instead of a period. It could have read:

"Touch the button and die," he barked at the kind woman, who barely managed a whimper from her hiding spot behind the desk.

There were a few spots where there could have been a comma. If you look at the corrected sentence above, I added one after "woman". Also here:

Originally Posted by "Dave"

As any criminal who had watched too many movies they decide that killing a hostage would definitely get their attention.

Not only could you revise it to include a comma, you could also change it to make it more readable, by changing the subject from "any criminal" to "any group of criminals":

Like: As any group of criminals who had watched too many movies, they decided that killing a hostage would definitely get the cops' attention.

I changed the tense of "decide" to past: "decided", because that was the tense of the rest of the story. Also, I changed "their" to "the cops'" so that it is easy to understand who you're talking about. It's just a bit confusing as it is.

One last thing is the repetitive use of "she" in the second paragraph:

Originally Posted by "Dave"

She worked on a small scale basis helping her friends quit drugs and just generally brightening the world for everyone around her. She just picked the wrong day to play hero. She was at the bank when three masked men decided to rob the place.

Try changing that up a little. It seems a bit bland as it is, so you could try combining sentences, revising the current ones, or some other action.

That's all I have for now. This does look promising, even for a *B/DL kind of story. I wish you the best of luck should (actually, when) you choose to continue it. Please do so sometime in the near future.

-whitefox

[Night]

Originally Posted by betagame

This should this be moved to Stories in Progress.

It already in Stories in Progress