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05-05-2008
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#1 (permalink) |
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The Little Nonconformist
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Not The Spring Break He Was Expecting
(Author's Note: This is not the typical TB/DL story. I don't even know if it qualifies as one. If it doesn't, well, then I guess you can just lock this topic.)
Chapter 1: A Long and Boring Day Dan woke up to the sound of his alarm clock ringing in the early morning. He didn’t want to go to school today; he didn’t think it was necessary. They would not be doing much in school today for it was the last day before Spring Break. “Finally, a week off to relax and not worry about my grades,” Dan thought. Dan reluctantly got out of bed and followed his usual morning routine. He dressed himself in jeans and a red T-shirt, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, had some cereal and then he was walking to the bus stop. The landscape was dull; Dan lived in a small town in rural Pennsylvania. He was 17 years old and a senior in highschool. Only two other kids waited at the bus stop with him—a freshman boy and a sophomore girl. He never talked to either of them. The bus drove down the street and came to a slow, screeching stop in front of them. They each walked onto the bus and sat wherever. “This is going to be a long day…,” Dan thought. All of his friends were on vacations in warmer and sunnier places; they had all left a day or two earlier than Spring Break. With no friends to talk to, Dan knew he’d be sitting around all day. The bus arrived at the school and all the adolescents were walking inside. It was chaos before homeroom; all of the kids were talking and running around. Fortunately the homeroom bell rang a little bit after Dan got to his locker. Dan’s prediction on the bus came true. For nearly the entire day, Dan listened to teachers wrap up the subjects they were working on. And lunch was terrible; Dan just sat alone at the table miserably eating his ham and cheese sandwich in silence. He was so happy when the final bell rang; he practically ran outside and dashed to the bus. Dan didn’t know why he was so happy. The more he thought about it, Spring Break might not be so fun. After all, his friends were vacationing and he was stuck at home. His family was boring; they did not take vacations often. The bus stopped two blocks from his street and Dan walked back home. Looking around, he noticed the trees were bright green and almost fully blossomed. The birds were chirping. It would’ve been a picture-perfect day if only the sun was out. Instead, clouds covered the sky like a blanket. He opened the door and took off his shoes by the staircase. His 12-year-old sister, Casey was sitting on the couch watching television. And his mom was in the kitchen. “Hey mom, I’m home,” Dan called. “Oh, hey Danny. I bought some new pajamas at the store for you,” she said coming into the living room. “Cool, where are they?” “I put them in your dresser,” “Thanks.” Dan went upstairs to his room and opened his dresser. The pajamas were pretty plain, but he needed pajamas. Dan ripped the tag off and tossed it into the garbage can. He looked outside and noticed it was starting to rain. Dan cursed under his breath; he was planning on going outside and playing basketball. Instead, Dan decided to play basketball on the video game system. And he called his friend in Florida to see what was up with him. It was a very uneventful day for Dan; he didn’t like those kinds of days. He wanted days to be full of action and excitement. After eating dinner and trying to entertain himself, Dan decided to call it a day and go to sleep. He put on the baby blue pajamas his mom bought for him, then turned off the lights and got in bed. Dan slept like a baby all night long, but when he woke up, he noticed something was off. Dan got out of bed and found that everything seemed to be a lot bigger. The pajamas he was wearing fell off of him. They were much too big now. He had a hard time keeping his balance and he clumsily walked over to the mirror. Dan stood on the tip of his toes and saw in the mirror, the face of an innocent two-year-old boy staring back at him. The boy had blond hair and big blue eyes, with a round face and cute dimples. “What the…?” Dan muttered in a babyishly high-pitched voice. |
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06-05-2008
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#8 (permalink) |
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Regular
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It moved a bit too fast at times, and you overused the semicolon. The semicolon is a powerful grammar tool, but it can be over done. There were times when you could have left it out and made the transition from one action to another better. You also need to put it more in his perspective. Your using an overhead view much of the time.
But I do like the concept. It's a good start. |
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