My first story, Be gentle

[Thugg_Lite]

This is my shitty story, and I give full permission for anyone the post it anywhere, but for the love of Satan, don’t take my name off of it. Side note, there will be gay blowjobs, or at least a handjob. At least in later chapters
Thank you, Thugg Lite
Prelude
As the car drove closer to the building I got a strange feeling about the place.
Shit, I’m sorry, I should tell you a little back story before we get in to, ‘How my life got really, odd.’

My name is Rick and the last one to called me Dick was a bull dyke from school who was sleeping with my girlfriend,
and thought I was a big enough man to not hit girls, turned her back, walked 2 steps then got jumped and 10 minutes later
was at the hospital with 5 broken bones; 3 missing teeth and 1 hell of a bruise on her ego.
Granted I had 9 broken bones; 5 missing teeth; and a bad case of, “The right to remain silent.”

Yes I know hitting girls is wrong but for **** sakes she was hands down the bigger man in the situation.
She was like 300 with 8% body fat (I know this because she was the big star of half the sports teams.)
and was like 6 foot 12 or something. Most Of the town was shocked that I would do
such a thing. a few were shocked I did such a thing and live to tell the tale.
I'm like 120, and 5 foot 2, but like a said 'she was SLEEPING
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

This was not my 1st act of senseless Violence, (I call it scenefull Violence,
‘cause it always made sense at the time,)
or even the 20th for that matter.
I was ****ed

My attorney said that if I was convicted, I was looking at 5-10 years in state,
but the prosecutor was willing to strike a deal.
Pleading guilty would get 3 years in an
experimentle reform school. That was one hell of a bargen,
and took it with out a second thought.
I got home, looked up this experimentle reform school on the internet,
and the first thing that I thought was ‘shit!’

[Thugg_Lite]

What do you thing so far?

[Pojo]

I don't know about this yet...You could tone down on the language...And is this whole story going to be about some fight you got in, or is going to be about some building you were driving to...

[Thugg_Lite]

It's going to the building, And thank you for the critasism.

[genbaby]

With that title for the topic you are making a big sign for critics to come look. What is the story title? Go over the story. I see a few spelling mistakes. You aren't starting off good for a plot line. Is the person sleeping with the main character's girlfriend a lezbien girl or a guy? Another thing if the girlfriend was bi and was sleeping with another girl her boyfriend would most likely know. Many people and most don't mind that if they are dating a bi person. It just seems confusing.

I want to see if you can work out a good plot line and see if you can pull off this flash back. Which you need to change the start of the flash back.
"Shit, I’m sorry, I should tell you a little back story before we get in to, ‘How my life got really, odd.’"
Should be like"this all goes back to a couple (period of time) ago"

Also check grammar. Like don't hit enter so often.

Like this part has to many enter spots.

"My attorney said that if I was convicted, I was looking at 5-10 years in state,
but the prosecutor was willing to strike a deal.
Pleading guilty would get 3 years in an
experimentle reform school. That was one hell of a bargen,
and took it with out a second thought.
I got home, looked up this experimentle reform school on the internet,
and the first thing that I thought was ‘shit!’"

Also listen to pojo and tone your language down or put a mature parts warning.

[Thugg_Lite]

thank you Genbaby for your critisism that was my intension with the topic title. I was going for a feel of a conversation/rant, Like if Rick was talking about what happened. although I'm getting the feeling it just comes off as "I HAZ A STORE 2 TEL!!!!!!111!!!!ELEVEN!"

I'm not trying to creat the greatest novel of the past 100 years, just some thing to lol with, or at the less help you kill your spare time.

[Fire2box]

Sounds like a bad version of "A Clockwork Orange" to me. At least you did not post this at the last forum I went to, they would tear this story apart.

[genbaby]

Never meant you are trying to write the best, but you need to try to get closer to it. I was just trying to advise you on how to make it better. You can't go and say i am not trying to make a perfect story so i don't have to make it the best to my ability or listen to advice. No one would read your stories.

[Manveru]

To be totally honest, I really have no idea what's going on in this story other than the main character Rick got in a fight.

The spelling and grammar could both use a lot of work and I'm unsure if it was simply an error in moving the story from whatever program you wrote it in to the ADISC site but the paragraph structure is just....abysmal. I had to stop reading halfway through because it hurt my eyes.

Not insulting it, that's just...my opinion.


And for me, that's.....that's gentle.

Here's how I'd write it.

Prelude
As the car drove closer to the building I got a strange feeling about the place.

Sh*t, I’m sorry, I should tell you a little back story before we get in to the topic of how my life got so strange.

My name is Rick and the last person who called me Dick was a bull dyke from school who was sleeping with my girlfriend. She thought I was a 'big enough' man not to hit girls. She turned her back on me, walked two steps, and then I jumped her. Ten minutes later, she was at the hospital with five broken bones, three missing teeth, and one hell of a bruise on her ego.

Then again, I had nine broken bones, five missing teeth, and a right to remain silent.

Yes, I know hitting girls is wrong but for **** sakes she was hands down the bigger man in the situation. She was around 300 pounds with 8% body fat (I know this because she was the big star of half the sports teams.), and was almost seven feet tall! (Six foot 12 is seven feet.....you know that right?) A few people were shocked that I did such a thing and lived to tell the tale, but as I said, she was sleeping with my girlfriend.

This was not my first act of senseless violence (I call it senseful violence, ‘cause it always made sense at the time), or even the 20th for that matter.

I was ****ed.

My attorney said that if I was convicted, I was looking at 5-10 years in state, but the prosecutor was willing to strike a deal. Pleading guilty would get 3 years in an experimental reform school. That was one hell of a bargain, and I took it with out a second thought. I got home, looked up this experimental reform school on the internet,
and the first thing that I thought was ‘shit!’

[Thugg_Lite]

I hate you, not becoase of what you said,but becoase you took my POS, did some editting and mad it a million times better.
Thank you for your opinion, I will take it to soul