|
13-04-2008
|
#22 (permalink) |
|
Cthulhu F'thagn!
|
*Dons his Professional Critic Hat*
This is a great story, one of the best I've seen on here in a long time. As such, my time wearing this hat will be short! :p As others have said, your spelling is an issue. Not anywhere near as big of an issue as it is with a lot of other stories posted on here, but an issue nonetheless. As I have said countless times, copy-pasting your post into a word processor and using the spellcheck (or enabling the spell-check extension on Firefox if you use it) can work wonders to get the little 'whoopsies' out of an otherwise impeccable story. Keep it up, I see the grammar and spelling improving with each chapter - stay on this road and it'll look professional in no time! |
|
|
13-04-2008
|
#27 (permalink) |
|
Regular
|
Idea
As you know I have been trying to come up with the next chapter but I just don't know where to go, so here is my idea. You all know the basic plot of the story and know and have a decent feeling for the characters so send me your ideas in a PM, help me write the story. I will look over what you guys have to say and choose what I thing would be the best way for the story to go.
Awaiting your PMs, and can't wait to see what you all can come up with. |
|
|
|
24-06-2008
|
#28 (permalink) |
|
Regular
|
It's been over two months but here it is the next chapter.
Chapter 5 They drove in silence on the way to Kadis’s house and within 10 minutes they were there. Kenshin popped the trunk and Kadis got out and grabbed her bag and then gave Kenshin a kiss. “Now you two stay out of trouble ok?” she said with a smile. “We will.” Said the two brothers in unison with Ryan fidgeting in has car seat. “Aww does my little guy want his hugs and kisses?” said Kadis looking at Ryan with a smile. He nodded and she unbuckled his seat belt and picked him up and he wrapped his little arms around her neck as she held him in her arms for a few seconds and then gave him a kiss on the forehead and told him to be good and not to give Kenshin any trouble. He nodded once more and kissed her cheek and she buckled him back up and closed the door and waved good bye and Kenshin drove off toward there house. On the way there Kenshin started talking. “So did my little bro have a fun day at school?” “Yeah, we started learning about the planets today.” “Oh really what have you learned so far?” said Kenshin with a smile because he had been studying space and the planets ever since he was Ryan’s age. “Just that there are 9 planets and that they all revolve around the sun.” he said with a spark in his eyes happy that his big brother wanted to know. “Good, if there’s anything that you ever want to know about the planets just come to me and I’ll tell you. Did anything else happen today?” “I got an owie at PE today because we were playing basketball and I tripped and cut my knee and the coach sent me to the nurse which was a good thing because I also needed a change too.” “Ok I’ll take a look at it when we get home. About 5 minutes later Kenshin pulled into the driveway of their two story home and parked his black 2001 Mustang and got out and walked to the other side and got Ryan out of his car seat and then grabbed their backpacks and walked into the house with Ryan close behind. “Ok so come on to the kitchen and lets see that knee.” Ryan nodded and Kenshin lead the way and Kenshin sat Ryan at the bar and looked at his knee which was alittle swollen and was red where it had been bleeding just a few hours before. “You look ok, let me get the peroxide and that should help it a little bit.” Kenshin walked to the bathroom and returned a few minutes later with a diaper bag containing a bottle of peroxide, band aids, cotton balls and diaper changing supplies. He took a cotton ball and dipped it in the peroxide and dapped it on Ryan’s knee causing Ryan to flinch from the sting but he toughened up and acted like it didn’t hurt. Kenshin took our a band aid and put it over Ryan’s knee and then ruffled his hair for being a good boy and not crying and then felt Ryan’s diaper and it was wet. “Ok time for a change.” He said as he laid out the changing mat and Ryan jumped down from the bar stool and took off his shoes and pants and then laid down and let Kenshin change him and when he was done let Ryan put his pants back one and throw away the used diaper and packed up all of the changing supplies. “Ok I have some history homework that needs to get done, do you have any homework tonight?” “Nope.” Said Ryan with a smile. “I got all of it done in class.” “But don’t you have a spelling test to study for?” Ryan’s smile quickly turned sad. “Yeah but I need help studying.” ‘Ok go ahead and watch TV and I’ll help you study after dinner. Come get me if you need anything.” Said Kenshin grabbing his bag and taking out a notebook and an American History textbook and sat at the table and started working. Ryan nodded and walked to the living room and turned on the TV and watched Sponge Bob until Kenshin came in an hour later and sat on the couth and Ryan cuddled up in his lap. “Are you done big bro?” “Yup, so what do you want for dinner?” “Fried chicken!” he said with a big smile “Ok wait right here and I’ll go get it started.” Kenshin got up and walked back to the kitchen and took a bag of fried chicken stripes from the freezer and put them in the oven and then went to the fridge and pulsed out a root beer for himself and filled sippy cup full of juice for Ryan and then walked back to the couch and gave him and he took it with a smile and sat up in kenshin’s lap as the watch cartoons until they heard the oven timer go off and they walked to the kitchen and Kenshin turned off the oven and took the strips out of the oven and set them off the stove and fixed two plates of chicken strips with BBQ sauce on the side for Ryan and himself and set them on the table and helped Ryan into his booster seat and started eating. During dinner they talked about random stuff and Ryan said how much he missed there parents and Kenshin reassured him that they would be back before he knew it and that made him smile. After dinner was done Kenshin took the plates and put them in the dishwasher and then looked at Ryan. “Ok study time go get your list for me and lets see what you have for this week.” “Awww do I have to?” “Do you want to fail the test?” “No.” Ryan said with a grown and got his spelling list out of his backpack and brought it to Kenshin and they made flash cards and went over every word to make sure that Ryan understood them. At about 8:30pm they decided to stop for the night and Kenshin gave Ryan a bath and put him in a fresh diaper and his favorite Blue’s Clues sleeper. “Ok little guy do you think you can do big bro a favor?” “What’s that big bro?” “I want you to try and sleep in your own room tonight and if you get scared you can come sleep with me but I really want you to try to sleep in your room ok.” “Ok big bro I’ll try.” Kenshin smiled and told Ryan to go to his room and that he would be there in a minute to tuck him in. Ryan nodded and went to his room while Kenshin went down stairs and warmed up a bottle of milk for him and then walked back up to Ryan’s room and sat in the rocking chair slowly rocking Ryan as he drank his bottle and when he was finished Kenshin walked to Ryan’s crib with a sleepy Ryan in his arms and laid him in his crib and gave him his binkie and his Blue plushie and kissed his forehead and smiled. “Sleep well little bro, I love you.” He kissed his forehead once more and turned on Ryan’s night light and the baby monitor just in case Ryan woke up and then left the room leaving his door cracked a little. He went back down stairs and turned on the TV to watch a little more before bed when the phone rang and he picked it up and answered it. “Hello” “Onii-kun can I come over?” said Kadis her voice somewhat shaken. “I don’t know, I just put Ryan to bed and was about to go to bed.” “Please I really need you right now. “Ok come on over.” They hung up and within 15 minutes a scared and shaken kadis knocked on the door and as soon as Kenshin opened the door she throw herself into his arms. “What’s wrong Kadis?” She looked up at him not with the eyes of a 15 yr old but with the eyes of a scared 5 yr old. “Kensin my parents are dead.” |
|
|
|
25-06-2008
|
#29 (permalink) |
|
Regular
|
Chapter 6 Kenshin took her hand and led her over to the couch and sat down and looked at Kadis with confused eyes while trying to comfort her at the same time. “What do you mean they’re dead?” “Well my parents went out on a date tonight and I got a call from the cops about 25 minutes ago saying that they where hit by a drunk driver and killing instantly.” ‘We look on the bright side of this Nee-Chan atleast they went peacefully and without pain.” “Yeah that’s good but what am I going to do my grandparents live three states away and I don’t want to go live with them because that would mean that I would have to leave you and that sweet bundle of joy you call a brother.” “Don’t worry we will figure something out but it’s late and you need to get some sleep. You can sleep on the couch and I’ll try to think of something in the morning.” Kadis gave him a smile for the first time since she had entered the house and they kissed and then Kenshin went to the closet and came back with a blanket and a pillow and let Kadis get comfortable and then he kissed her good night and gave her a smile to reinsure her that everything was going to work out and then walked upstairs and peeked into Ryan’s room to check on him. Seeing that he was ok Kenshin went to his room and got into bed and fell asleep. Kenshin woke up early the next morning around 4:30am to make breakfast and to think of a plan for Kadis not to be sent away and after about 15 minutes it hit him. “Mema and Poppy.” That’s all he could say to himself. He smiled and continued with breakfast and once it was finished he set it on the table and then went to go wake Kadis. “Nee-Chan wake up.” He said in a soft voice softly running his hand through her hair and she awoke slowly and Kenshin could see it in her eyes, that gleam that he had seen the night before of a 5 yr old girl wanting her parents, wondering where they where. “Onii-Kun? What am I doing here?” “You came over last night.” Kenshin went on to tell her everything that went on the night before and when he was done she was in tears and sobbing into Kenshin’s sholder. “It’s ok Nee-Chan, it’s all gonna be ok. I thought of a way that you could stay here but first breakfast is on the table go and get something to eat and I’ll be with you in a few minutes after I get the little guy woken up.” Kadis dried her eyes still sad but was happy that Kenshin had thought of something that had a small chance of working and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. Kenshin walked into Ryan’s room only to see him playing with his plushie in his crib waiting for him. Once he saw Kenshin enter the room he smiled and stood up putting his hands in the air so Kenshin could pick him up and as he did so Ryan smiled and gave him a hug. “Morning big bro, did you sleep well.” Kenshin nodded and gave him a smile as he laid Ryan on the changing table. Once he was done changing him he let Ryan pick out what he wanted to wear and then helped him get dressed and then walked with him down to the kitchen. “Mommy?” said Ryan in a surprised voice. “What are you doing here?” “Well I missed my baby and decided to come over for breakfast.” She said deciding it was best not for Ryan to know the true. Ryan smiled and ran over to her and gave her a hug and Kadis picked him up and let him sit in her lap as they ate breakfast and talked until 5:45am. “Ok little bro get your stuff ready for school I’m going to take you to Rachel’s early today so me and Kadis can hang out a little before school.” “Ok big bro.” said Ryan as he jumped down from Kadis’s lap and went to the living room to get his stuff together. Within 5 minutes everyone was ready and they were on the road and got to Rachel’s around 6:00am. Kadis took Ryan out of his car seat, grabbed his backpack and carried him to the front door and Kenshin rang the bell. With in a few seconds Rachel’s mom answered the door. “Kenshin? Why are you here so early?” He ignored her and gave Ryan a hug and told him to go inside. With a smile Ryan hugged him and Kadis and walked inside with his backpack. Once he was inside and out of earshot he began explaining. “I’m sorry to drop him off so early but something horrible happened last night.” “What happened? Is everything ok?” asked Rachel’s mom with a concerned look. “Everything is fine now but Kadis’s parents were killed last night and had her sleep over at my place last night. I had to bring Ryan over early so Kadis could go to her place and get ready for school. I thought this would be easier then telling Ryan, he’s too young to be involved in something like this.” Rachel’s mother nodded and have them both a hug. “You’re a good man Kenshin, doing something like this when most people would have turned her away.” He nodded and thanked her again and they got back into Kenshin’s car and drove to Kadis’s so she could get ready for school. As Kadis was getting dressed she started talking. “So what’s this plan of yours Onii-Kun?” “I’m going to talk to my grandparents and see if you can stay there for the rest of the month, then when my parents get back I will talk with them and see if they will let you stay with us.” Kadis smiled and gave Kenshin a big hug. “Thank you so much Onii-Kun, I just wish I could do something to repay you.” “There’s no need your love is thanks enough.” He said with a smile and returning her hug. “Now come on we got to get going.” She nodded and finished her make-up and grabbed her bag and they ran to the car and got to school just as the warning bell rang. They kissed and ran to their classes. |
|
|
Linear Mode
