Our World [Warning: Violence & Sugesstive Themes!]

[1magus]

Always like stories with scared little boys

[hbcrayons]

Originally Posted by 1magus

Always like stories with scared little boys

You might want to be careful how you word your responses. That post could be taken in the wrong way.

[Chillhouse]

I havn't read all of it yet, but just one little nit-pick: You tend to seemingly put in sudden unneeded and awkward words that deliberately slow down the story and make it seem lethargic in scenes of high and awesome action when the pace should be fast, sudden, and not dragged along.
EX:

Suddenly, a young man with long, white hair walked up to the spectacle. His pale skin looked almost as though it was shining under the moonlight. Clothed in black jeans and a white jacket, he walked over to the thugs. They paid him no mind, probably thinking he'd even join in. Instead, he came up behind a thug with red hair in the style of a Mohawk and gently tapped him on his shoulder. When the thug turned around to see what he wanted, he was quickly greeted by a punch to the face. The others soon took notice and glared at the young man angrily. The blood-stained boy looked up to see why no one was hitting him anymore and quietly watched what unfolded.

Gotta watch that.

[1magus]

Originally Posted by hbcrayons

You might want to be careful how you word your responses. That post could be taken in the wrong way.

[hbcrayons]

Originally Posted by 1magus

Some people may take it as if you were a pedophile... and not just an appreciator of stories with little boys as the protagonists who end up scared.

[Slang]

Cool story. Pretty interesting concept with DLs "coming out", though that's not really what the story ended up being about (so far). I dunno, normally the idea of some strange dude picking up a kid who got beat down by a gang, randomly taking him in to his place where he happens to have a nursury would kinda bug me as something not entirely realistic, but for some reason the story worked for me. Kinda felt like watching an anime too. Might be that long white hair on the dude instantly made me think Sephiroth, or maybe it's just your avatar, I dunno. But yeah, pretty solid start dude.

[Little Tyler]

Mr. Man, very good start to a very interesting story. I do have to agree with what chillhouse said, some words do slow down the pace of the story; something that i have to watch out for myself (i've the same problem about adding unneeded words) I await the part 2 eagerly.

ps. The whole chase and gang scene was very well written. You definitely showed the main characters emotions expertly without simply typing them out.

[1magus]

Originally Posted by hbcrayons

Some people may take it as if you were a pedophile... and not just an appreciator of stories with little boys as the protagonists who end up scared.

So what you are saying is that you will fuel the notion that all AB/TBs are pedophiles?

[hbcrayons]

Originally Posted by 1magus

So what you are saying is that you will fuel the notion that all AB/TBs are pedophiles?

No, not at all. All I was pointing out was that you should watch how you word what you're saying so others don't.

[1magus]

Originally Posted by hbcrayons

No, not at all. All I was pointing out was that you should watch how you word what you're saying so others don't.

All I'm saying is nobody has pointed this out but you