The... The, um, The Culling. Positively One Thousand Percent ABTBDLBFLGICADISC-Related!

[Point Blanch]

It was a dark and stormy afternoon. It wasn’t nighttime yet, so the crew wasn’t about to ask the captain to tell them another story. But the captain was all out of stories so I’m here to tell you one, instead. Because a happy crew is one that doesn’t have scurvy, and apparently, if you don’t read this you’ll get it. So be happy and read this story.


One day there was a guy. This guy was around for a long time before, but today he was also here. There. Not here. He was around for about seventeen years before this!

But today, he was around for exactly seventeen years, because today was his seventeenth birthday. Early in the morning, when the captain was just getting to sleep from telling his stories to the crew, this guy was asleep and dreaming.

“Alex, when are you going to grow up?” asked his mom in his dream.
“I am already a grown-up. LOL” thought Alex. His dream mom seemed to comprehend his thoughts.
“Ha, ha. Very funny. But you are irresponsible. I just don’t know what we’re going to do with you.”

Where am I? What happened to my upbraiding I was just getting? mused Alex as he ran away from a something menacing but very vague.

“Alex? Alex?” asked his mother again.

Not right now. I’m going to be minorly inconvenienced by dying in this dream. And I am responsible. Leave me alone.

“Alex, get up. You have school in five minutes and I didn’t wake you up before now, so that I could have a part in this story! I deserve it, you know. I’m your mother!”

“Dang it!” grumbled Alex. Normally he had ten minutes to be late for school, and now he only had five! No time for a shower, only time catch the bus. Luckily, since he was an athlete and extremely popular, he could dash out and shovel a freshman out of a seat with enough time to inhale an apple. And since he was so athletic, his throat was wide and he didn’t choke despite inhaling an apple. Wow!

“See you later, mom. I may be going somewhere after school. No need to cook; I’ll pick up fast food on the way and it’ll be *finger-licking* good” sang Alex, as he trounced around the kitchen looking for something to inhale.

“We all know, no need to remind us. We all know, but THE BUS IS HERE!!” spat his mother. Alex rushed out of the kitchen and, just as planned, made it to the bus with enough time to take out a shovel, knock out a freshman with it, and take his seat.

* * * * *

Alex really didn’t mind school, except for the classes and the time in-between the classes. Alex was clearly intelligent enough, or average enough, to get by in school without paying the least bit of attention. His long, dark hair was more than enough to conceal his closed eyes or, when he had slept his required sixteen hours, glazed look. As he didn’t live close to any of his friends, he sat the bus ride in solitude, thinking of little but whether or not he swung the shovel too hard. Then he got a text message that said simply, “I wnt 2 tlk. Cm 2 my hs ftr schl? –Mr”.

I wonder what that means, comically considered our hero. She didn’t use a single vowel. Or maybe it wasn’t a she, since it says “Mr”.

Thankfully, our anti-hero had no time to consider this thought because he lived next door to the school. Now, let me tell you - this isn’t any old school. Oh no. Not in this story, mister. This school… is a school for magical people! Magical people who need to learn how to do trigonometry and learn about American history. The school itself was invisible to the normal human eye, but since nobody is normal, everyone can see it who is a human. The school frequently has problems with birds running into the walls of it, unfortunately. However, the class of 1955 left a wonderful bird-splatter mural on the east wing, spelling out the school’s name: “Gnk’thorkestrb’f”. The owners originally wanted it to be named “Green Hills High School”, but when they were saying it they choked and that’s what was written down.

Alex jumped off the bus and looked around. Oh, look! He thought. It’s Olivia, Frank (aka Eugene Thunderblunt), genbaby, Neonite, Zagete, Pojo, Lone Wolf, stonemask55, Laram5, Dethklok_still_rules, Sid3po, and Mesmerale! What a treat! Unfortunately, they all had their backs turned to him and were too busy throwing rocks at an eighty-year-old man, who tried to sneak into the school as a 15-year-old boy aspiring to become a rockstar, to notice him.

One person did notice him, though. It was Mr. And Mr. was up on the third story of Gnk’thorkestrb’f, talking to her cat.

“It sure is a nice day,” she said, while combing the cat’s black fur.

“Meow,” said the cat.

“What?” asked Mr.

“Meow,” repeated the cat, who leapt off Mr.’s lap.

“I wish you would speak English. I need someone to discuss my dastardly plans with. And you are simply not cutting it at the moment.”

“Sorry,” said the cat.



COMNTS PLZ

[HypnoToad]

Shit, I forgot to sign up. But it tis quite silly, quite a nice satire you have going on. If it's not too late can you put me in? I'd like to either be senor bagels, the mexican janitor or myself.

[Point Blanch]

Next chapter, my son. Next chapter.

[stonemask55]

Dude that was horrible and holy c*** awesome all at the same time.

[baconbit]

I throw rocks at old men yay.

[Mako]

Wow... this is deep. It like touched my soul, and then some places I don't want to talk about because it makes me break into ashamed sobs of depression. Good job.

[Zagete]

Hahahah, I laughed so much. I caught some movie parodies which made it funnier :p

[Raul]

After reading that i felt like I had just been tossed around on an acid trip... But still, it kept me interested for certain.

[Pojo]

Needs more Pojo

[LumpyCustard]

That's fucked up. (in a good way)

Throwing rocks at old people could be an enjoyable experience.