The story of Lilia (Rewritten and 2x as good!!)

[blarg]

Not so long ago i posted Lilia, about a month to two ago and now while on a plane i decided to rewrite the story completely changing the scenes around using better imagery (i hope) and hopefully giving a better story all in all.

If you feel uncomfortable around "Sexual" words etc. then be wary for there's quite a few! There are no sex scenes so this is appropriate for teens!

Lilia
By: Blarg

Chapter 1

Juvas, a man of forty sat in the guard house positioned above the town’s portcullis and stared out the open portal to the endless desert-like expanses of Israel. He’d been on duty for since dawn and it was nearly the beginning of sun rise. He was sleepy and as usual nothing eventful had happened. He looked down at his belly and gave a deep sigh making it expand all the more. Some people found it a pleasant thought to see a belly on their frame for it meant they were living a healthy life. But for Juvas a man who’d adventured around the deserts of the middle east and not just Israel- it was a saddening sight indeed. He’d grown old, fat, and lazy living a comfortable life style in the relatively remote town of Ich’mentul.

He heard a lasting go off from his clock pinned on the wall over the door. He gave yet another sigh trying not only to relax his ever restless self but to release his bad karma, it was something his wife had convinced him to try out. Breathing out he felt his large belly strain against his girdle and sharply stopped. He saw several signs of wear and tear on his armor which he’d owned for two decades. Looking to his right he saw himself in a mirror, an old fat and seemingly frail man was staring back at him, the man sat on a chair with his short cropped hairstyle having some rather obvious holes in it. The clock he’d just looked at was located in the reflection but other than that there were just plain walls adorned with a few weapons which hang by a nail smashed into the wall.

Looking back through the open window he began reaching for his mug of ale which he brought with him every day when he saw a shadow flash through the desert expanse. Quickly standing up the guard rubbed his withered hands against his tired eyes to stare out to where he thought he’d seen the shadow. Staring through the expanse he noted nothing other than the usual- sand on top of sand which was on top of more sand creating dunes along with the occasional palm tree which for some unknown reason grew out of the sand.

A strong gust howled through the expanse and just as the guard was about to lay responsibility for the abnormality on his aging eyes when he a woman appeared before him. Her body was revealed by light cast out of the torch fastened on the wall next to the mirror. Her charms nearly instantly assaulted the old guard. He felt his heart throbbing in need of this woman. She was so attractive to him! For indeed even if he hadn’t been under her magical charms she would’ve appeared so- with her black locks of hair trailing down her pale slender shoulders. A tight black leather outfit hugged her womanly curves and those were indeed of extraordinary proportions. Her deep green eyes delved into him and he felt naked to her gaze as if she could read him like a book. To the man it appeared as if she was floating which she indeed was but not by magical means- rather by the use of her leather like wings. She did so very-much-so enjoy leather.

Luckily for the old man he was completely out of it or else he might’ve died on the spot from the shock of her. Feeling inspired by some implanted thought he began to back away from the sill overlooking the desert expanses. Seeing space to get in she lifted a bit higher up to let her shapely legs in putting her in a sitting position on the sill- her smooth wings slowly retracting themselves against her back. The man with his wits completely gone could not by any means resist the urge too stare at her mostly revealed legs- such an oddity it was amongst women to reveal their lovely bodies as she did!
She looked into the room and gave him a lovely smile, “Oh… what a nice place you have here…” licking her luscious lips she continued, “perhaps enough for two?” smiling devilishly she ran her slender elongated finger down the man’s chest until it reached his abdominal region and then she gave a light push which made the man fall backwards onto the ground unconscious. Standing up on her bare feet her imp-like tail followed in exploring the region behind her as if having a mind of its own. “I guess I’m too much for you.” Laughing to herself she opened the gate house door and began walking down the stairs into the city protected so feebly by its low walls.

She could’ve simply flown over but then again what would the fun of been of that? Moving in a very casual walk placing each leg in front of the other making her hips wave back and forth she strolled down one of the streets of the city- her tail wandering around as it had been when she’d first entered giving her a very… erotic look.

Lilia did not like killing humans in her way but she definitively didn’t mind incapacitating them! So when a man appeared exiting a house in a very sneaky-like manner pulling his pants up she didn’t hesitate to fire off a blast of compacted air which was shoved down his throat making him gag and while he clutched his throat his pants dropped revealing his man hood. Licking her lips the devious woman kept a mental note of his general position before continuing by the man who was slowly losing his consciousness to lack of air.

After several minutes wandering the streets trying to pinpoint the location of a force pulling her towards her destination ever so lightly giving her notice to how close she was to her location. Eventually she stumbled upon a grand gothic-styled house with a spire located at each corner of the building. Several gargoyles stared down at her in a devious manner trying to warn evil spirits off, supposedly ones like her self. She snickered at them and continued to cross the grounds and realized that she’d forgotten with whom she was dealing with.

As soon as stepped on the grounds of the house she felt an arcane crackle of energy ripple in the air as the gargoyles began to animate. Cursing she began a dash propelled by her long wings to the house door located fifty feet from her. She was there in a second and a half.

Bursting through her door she discarded all hopes for secrecy for though she knew the one flaw of gargoyles- their long animation times, she also knew that the animation time wasn’t long by most standards. However as she burst through the door which shattered to her intrusion with little effort on her part, a more sinister aspect of the house was revealed.

A barbed lance shot out of the wall located directly across from the main door. Staying true to its target it impaled the already infuriated succubus. Cursing her luck she extracted her body from the spear tearing out several pieces of vital arteries and muscles tissue for she’d been impaled through her shouldered arm and into her chest and finally through one of her lungs and glancing a blow on the second.

The pain was immense and would’ve been fatal had it not been for one of her several rings of power which began to regenerate her physical wounds. As she glanced around the decorated room and the wall directly in front of her she realized there were three other spears scattered randomly across the same wall the one that had impaled her had shot forth from. With a mere flick of her wrist every spear disintegrated falling to the floor as a grey mound of ash. Smiling to herself- her wounds already healed she began running down the halls and heard a shuffle on the floor above.

The owner had obviously set his several traps to wake him. As she rounded a corner of some hallway in the fancy interior and began to sprint up the stairs she heard the antagonizing scream of a gargoyle that rang through the small village. And several seconds later she heard the several shrieks of women and angered shouts of men.

Ohhh this is getting interesting. Smiling yet again at the prospect of an interesting battle coming up while she reached the top of the stairs she was hit by several things at once. A gargoyle blasted through a wall next to her and nearly bowled her over. But regardless of its miss it was still completely unharmed and all the while several pieces of wood sprayed to the sides colliding with both Lilea and her target, a man in his early thirties but his armor protected him from any wounds. Grinning in triumph he shot his quarrel from his cross bow. The poison dart shot out of the barrel but faster than any normal human eye could follow Lilia’s expression changed from lightly pleasant to a dark, heart-stopping snarl.

Her hand moved in a blur and caught the dart in between her fingers. The gargoyle that had been shuffling around charged at her giving out a threatening roar. Without taking her cold gaze off of the doomed man she cut the animated gargoyle’s life cord making it fall to the ground once again in the form of a lifeless statue. Its counter-part didn’t even enter the house for it hit a shield of negative energy repelling it away as forcefully as if it might’ve been shot out of a catapult.

“Hello Rivo Exuril. Your time has come and I assure you that nothing but the oblivion awaits you.” The man frozen in fear and in the ever-so-strong grasp of the she-demon simply stared at her with no recognition in his face what so ever.

Stuttering the man barely managed to utter a sentence before going back to a nervous stasis glancing around at every shadow and back again at Lilia revealing a terrified expression on his face as if he’d just discovered a demon prince in her place. “Wh-o-o ar-r-e y-y-ou!”

The snarl instantly disappeared from the succubus’s face replaced once again by a devious smile. His terror by no means subsided but being so weak minded he could not stop his eyes from following her beautiful, luscious lips as they moved, “Don’t tell me you don’t remember me Rivo!” exclaimed the woman as if she was talking to some long lost friend. To her left the gargoyle which had been shot backwards into a neighboring house had begun to regain his senses and started his charge all over again.
Walking past the trail of rubble and gingerly stepping over the gargoyle statue she set her foot down on the other side toes first giving her legs yet another sensual appearance. As if changing her mind she hoped over the statue and landed with her wings slightly unraveled and her tail in the air seemed to have abandoned his search on the ground and decided to lazily sway behind her.

She walked up to the man and stopped before him, her face five inches from the man but her breasts ever so lightly pressed up against him. Smiling sinisterly, yet almost in a sweet manner if such a expression exists she glanced away too look to her hind left to see the gargoyle collide with her barrier and get shot away once again. This time however it went into the air instead of downwards. Turning back to him she stared at the man who had a handsome clean shaven face with prominent blue eyes… one might almost think of him as a noble yet he was quite the opposite, he was a sword for hire.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about a girl who you left for dead in a mansion three years ago…” Bringer her face closer to the man she seemed to purr “Rivo.” Bringing her luscious lips against his he tried to press against her but he was bound in his spot despite how he felt by all the emotions that one should never feel at the same times- terror, hate, love, and aroused. Biting his lower lip she pulled away lightly but released it as she pulled away heaving out a heavy sigh.

His stutter seemingly done with the man’s eyes opened in recognition. “You can’t be! You can’t be that one slut we left for dead! We stabbed her in the heart!”

Her head looking down towards the man’s waist she smiled and looked back up. “So you remember.” She murmured in a voice that the man wanted only to lean forward and listen more closely to. “And I was no slut you being as pathetic as you still are raped me with your buddy leaving a black rose on my defiled body. Oh how I remember that cold feeling.” As she talked she pulled down her left front of her shirt revealing more of her skin but also revealing a scar on her heart, “You know, that’s the price of coming back from the dead- you have to give up your soul to the demigod who allows you to come back. And you retain the killing wound that had been inflicted upon you.”

Smiling sweetly she stepped back away from the frozen man golden armor depicted fights between men and dragons, a fine suit indeed. “That suit does not suit you in the least you scum.” She said as she moved further away from the man. “You will be unable to move so stopped struggling a warrior and especially one of inferior skill and intellect will never be able to resist my negative aura. I didn’t even have to cast a single spell! How pathetic you are indeed!”

Walking to the edge of the newly opened portal that had once been a wall the succubus stared out into the city which was coming alive from the resulting battle. The image of a gargoyle crashing into her barrier from above almost made her heart leap- almost. “You are so annoying…” Whispering a single word the gargoyle disappeared into the nether realm where it would cause no further disturbances.

“You of course know why I am here Rivo, to avenge myself and those who you’ve harmed in your past. I’ll let you know what awaits you before I utterly destroy you.” She saw many torch lights appear throughout the streets, her stay in the town was coming to an end. “I will simply kill you, I will consume your soul and further my own power. After a demon consumes a soul of a mortal the soul goes into oblivion and looses all hope of gaiing access to an after-life. You will just simply be ‘there’ for the rest of time and beyond. That is your punishment for your sins.” With that she turned away from the portal and walked up to the man who was now visibly trying to free himself from the bonds of her energy- but to no avail.

“Good bye Rivo.” She mumbled as her lips pressed up against him and she unleased her crave for a man’s touch and allowed her demonic side to greedily consume the man. She felt every emotion that the man had ever experience sweep over her at once- every love he ever had, every feeling from fear to hate, to shame. After what seemed as an eternity to her but in reality it was less than one second she opened her eyes and saw the empty husk of the man. “Bye-bye” She whispered pulling away from the man and touched her finger on his lips.

Spinning about with her hair trailing behind her she exit the house with a leap from Rivo’s house, the only two story house in the town; landing on the paved street below she began to retract her wings which she’d used to make her landing a bit softer and graceful. Turning to her left to exit the city once again and perhaps to stop by the unconscious man she was surprised to see a man running angrily at her. Interesting… he’s not part of a mob. Being unable to resist the possible surprise she stood their her right hand resting lightly on the hilt of a dirk and the other slowly running itself down her body all the while her tail resuming its endless search.

Heiricule was running across the dark streets of his city with vigor, he’d come to relieve his aging father of his night duty to find him lying on the floor. He’d been scared at first for the health of his father but found that he was unharmed- simply asleep. Soon after he’d left the guard house with his father propped up against a wall sitting on a floor and left Ishmil the town drunk who would always do any job for a coin for his next drink to watch over the city and take care of his father.

After running aimlessly through the streets he’d stumbled across yet another man similarly dispatched half naked lying on a porch of a house. He ended up deciding to slow down until he might be able to stumble across a suspicious stranger- after all it was a small town, or hear a sign of battle. That sign didn’t come much later for he heard the terrifying screech of a gargoyle and sprinted off in the direction. He would’ve gotten there faster if it hadn’t been for a mob who’d been blocking one of the roads- fearing entanglement with such a mob he’d double backed and found a different and longer route to the only house with gargoyles.

And now as he continued to run he saw rubble lying on the magnificent lawn of the richest man in the town. Not long after his run towards the mansion he witnessed the drop of a figure with wings and a tail from the second story of the home.

Drawing out his short sword from a sheath on his left thigh with his right arm he also executed a perfect arming of his small round shield by removing it from his back with his left arm with the same motion involved with drawing his sword.

He didn’t cry out a battle cry, he didn’t even shout, he simply charged in with silent resolve. What surprised him however- despite his determination was that the figure had been a woman- exotic almost seemed an understatement for her. But his uncertainty lasted a mere millisecond for this woman was a suspicious stranger who had shown no signs of surrender nor tried to cry out her innocence. He blinked- as is natural for most as he came close to his collision with the demon-like woman.

He felt a soft impact against his shield- as would be expected from a collision but it was too soft; even for this light woman. Opening his eyes from the blink he saw her horizontal to the ground her feet resting against the shield while her wings supported her in the air making an illusion that he was pushing her across the air.

“Oh such a strong warrior you are! And courageous in all regards!” She praised with a smile both the praise and smile were mocking in nature. But the warrior had other plans than chit-chat. He hopped to his left still keeping his shield against her but it was obvious that the new angle was uncomfortable and her wings struggled to keep her upright.

Smiling in victory the warrior slashed from the right with his short sword and what surprised him was the ring of metal on metal for in a space of a heart beat she’d drawn her dirk and parried his strike. What shocked him even more the next moment for it was before his brain could register everything that was happening- was the ring of metal on stone for half the blade had been sliced clean off falling to the ground and the other half still remaining attached to his hilt missed her frame by a mere millimeter.

Growling in frustration he abruptly stopped and expected the woman to go out of control but yet again to his surprise she seemed to have expected the action. Pushing down with her wings she lifted up a bit and ran up his shield and jumped off of his face gracefully entering a back flip with her leathery wings trailing behind her to the ground where she landed lightly on her toes next to a deteriorating shack.

The shack was used to keep the town’s fertilizer until the next planting season so it was not designed for appeal in appearance. Its exterior features showed a small building barely held together by random planks every which way with even more nails half bent and some actually embedded in the wood. The sound of the angry mod he’d circumvented earlier now a welcoming sight to the tower guardsman for he knew that strength came in numbers.

Purring the demon spoke with a voice demanding to be heard layered with a sweet touch almost like a touch of honey. “Ohhh how I love bad boys, you tried to hurt me but don’t worry we can have fun in other ways.” She emphasized the “other” with an exaggerated wink.

He didn’t want to respond to her, it disgusted him how this woman treated the fight as something that should be enjoyed. Drawing a concealed dagger hidden in his shirt located at his underarm. He decided to play along and started to by circling her. He had to delay her. “Oh and what other things do you have in mind?” He questioned her taking a large step closer to her to finish his question off.

Seemingly taken aback by his reproach the demon smiled, “Why won’t you come with me and I’ll show you, you handsome man.” He indeed was handsome with his striking hazel eyes which reminded some of the eyes of a prominent dragon. He had shoulder length jet-black hair which was ruffled and showed no signs of care adding a more exotic air to it, his whole body rippled from muscles showing signs of constant activity. He was not too tall matching evenly with Lilia’s height.

Deciding it was time to press in more he took a step closer in a more calm manner- completely shedding any hesitation in his footing. Pretending she wanted to get away from the man she backed up… purposely against the shack wall pressing herself against it. Taking one last step across the paved road he came up next to the demon and felt her tail wrap itself around his back and her wings expand and begin to envelop him. Her soft lips brushing lightly against his ear as she whispered, “Don’t worry I don’t bite,” she paused for a second as if pondering about something, “Unless you want me too.”

To his utter horror he felt his body going against his will- his body wanted to be consumed by the pleasure the lovely creature so openly offered him but never a man of weak heart he resisted temptation and without giving his body time to continue on its path to err he pulled out his concealed dagger and plunged it into her chest where he believe her heart to be. He felt the satisfying plop as he pulled it out for another strike along with a rush of blood exiting the wound.

To his surprise she didn’t back off rather she enveloped him more pressing her body closer to him until he couldn’t stab her from the front rather only from the side into her lungs. He was confused to her purpose until he felt something- something about his person being tugged in an unearthly manner and he realized soon what it was. It was his soul being tugged away by the demon woman. Gasping in a sharp pain which had no identifiable location he shoved her forcefully away but instead of her falling back wards he found himself falling back for she proved to be more firmly planted than he.

“Your soul is oh-so appetizing my dearest! You would not believe how much I crave you now, but alas I do not wish to kill innocents, so bade you farewell and do take care until I see you next, I promise you that you will receive a heavenly experience from a demon the next time we meet.” Giving yet another innocent yet sinister smile she spread her leather wings and revealing that all the wounds that had been inflicted by the small-sinister wounds had already healed and showed smooth flesh that looked as if it had never even been grazed by a feather.

Leaping up into the air along with a helping thrust of her lengthy wings she was in the air and flying away to the south, a direction the young guardsmen would remember. He continued to watch her figure fly away even when the mob surrounded him and demanded answers of him. It wasn’t until later that day that they found the dead body of their richest citizen along with his wrecked house.
to be continued...

Note: I wrote this on an airplane so i have yet to edit this and i am using this time while i am in my hotel room before going skiing to post this. Please post critique/comments for why else would i post this on here!
~blarg

[The Sun]

I do not like fantasy, but I do like helping fellow writers, who actually like to write, develop a better story. I added my commentary and suggestions all in underline and in bold, so you would understand what I was referring to. I do not have an opinion on the story, so I did not give one, but I do think you have promise in writing and I believe that reading some (or maybe more if you do) well known novels can help you understand how to develop better story structure. Though writing is something that I believe some are born with, I also believe that if those people do not capture that and try to learn more, that their skills will weaken and their talent will go to waste.

Anyway, here is my commentary and some advice. I only did some of the story since I do not have much time at the moment. Just take a look at it, see if it is helpful and if so I will continue it when I get a chance.

Originally Posted by blarg

Chapter 1

Juvas, a man of forty sat in the guard house positioned above the town’s portcullis and stared out the open portal to the endless desert-like expanses of Israel. He’d been on duty for since dawn and it was nearly the beginning of sun rise. He was sleepy and as usual nothing eventful had happened(Consider word structure. i.e "and as usually nothing was happening). He looked down at his belly and gave a deep sigh making it expand all the more. Some people found it a pleasant thought to see a belly on their frame for it meant they were living a healthy life. But for Juvas (use a comma) a man who’d adventured around the deserts of the middle east and not just Israel- (instead of the dash, that would be where you should end your first comma and put a second one. It helps break up thought and without the commas it really doesn't make sense when reading.) it was a saddening sight indeed. He’d grown old, fat, and lazy living a comfortable life style in the relatively remote town of Ich’mentul.

He heard a lasting (a lasting what?) go off from his clock (Consider adding a "which had been" or "that was" here.) pinned on the wall over the door. He gave yet another sigh trying not only to relax his ever restless self but to (consider adding "also") release his bad karma, it was something his wife had convinced him to try out. Breathing out he felt his large belly strain against his girdle and sharply (for me "sharply" does not work in this sense.) stopped. He saw several signs of wear and tear on his armor which he’d owned for two decades. Looking to his right he saw himself in a mirror, an old (,) fat and seemingly frail man was staring back at him, the man sat on a chair with his short cropped hairstyle having some rather obvious holes in it. The clock he’d just looked at was located in the reflection but other than that there were just plain walls adorned with a few weapons which hang by a nail smashed into the wall. (either try and reword this whole sentence to make it more relevant or just remove because it really is not needed in the least.

Looking back through the open window he began reaching for his mug of ale (Comma needed. Commas are not only for listing, they are for separating thoughts as well when you need to describe something that doesn't have to do with the scene.) which he brought with him every day (another comma ending your separation.) when he saw a shadow flash through the desert expanse. Quickly standing up (Comma) the guard rubbed his withered hands against his tired eyes to stare out to where he thought he’d seen the shadow. Staring(since you have already used 'stare' in the past sentence you should use a different word since it makes the paragraph seem repetitive) through the expanse he noted nothing other than the usual- sand on top of sand which was on top of more sand creating (try replacing with "which created" or something to that effect) dunes along with the occasional palm tree which for some unknown reason grew out of the sand. (I would change the wording, it actually made it seems as though another narrator just started telling the story. Has much to do with tone and the way you should not change the tone of your writing when narrating because the readers mind shifts.)

A strong gust howled through the expanse (try using a different word, maybe "region" since you used it in a close ranged sentence.) and just as the guard was about to lay responsibility for the abnormality on his aging eyes (nice wording) when (read the sentence over again, when does not make sense, just remove it.) he (saw?) a woman appear(-ed- take out the -ed) before him. Her body was revealed by light cast out of the torch fastened on the wall next to the mirror. Her charms nearly instantly (try rereading this and reword it, seldom do you use two -ly's together) assaulted the old guard. He felt his heart throbbing in need of this woman. (reword, I didn't get get it) She was so attractive to him! For indeed (consider removing) even if he hadn’t been under her magical charms (I think it would be better worded something like "under the magic of her charms") she would’ve appeared so- with her black locks of hair trailing down her pale slender shoulders. A tight black leather outfit hugged her womanly curves and those were indeed of extraordinary proportions (if this characteristic is NEEDED, reword, if not, remove). Her deep green eyes delved into him and he felt naked to her gaze (I am not sure if the wording works here.) (comma) as if she could read him like a book (if you meant 'read him like a book, then naked is not the right way to go. If her eyes "pierced through his soul" or something like that, then it would make more sense). To the man it appeared as if she was floating (Comma) which she indeed was (Comma) but not by magical means- rather by the use of her leather like wings. She did so very-much-so enjoy leather. (I don't understand why or how this is needed, it feels extremely misplaced)

FullMetal

[blarg]

I guess i should've written some thing about this whole setting. You find out she's a succubus very soon and i'm simply exemplifying it. As for the msising words i commented at the bottom of my post that i wrote it in a plane and lots of times i had to put the laptop down or look away etc. and other times i just left off in mid-thought. thanks for the editing but save your efforts for when i edit it for then you will have less work to do and it will be more important. Thanks keep reading though! Try to survive the barrage of mistakes :P

~blarg

[Babymullet Ver 9.8]

Originally Posted by FullMetal

She did so very-much-so enjoy leather. (I don't understand why or how this is needed, it feels extremely misplaced)

Made sense to me, a sudden thought to sum up a line of descriptions, I rather liked it.

Since you're going to be doing a read/edit yourself later on, I won't bother commenting on that.

Stylistically, it was good. Sometimes I floundered about as I suddenly skipped a line and got reallylost, but that's rather moot. The point I wish to make is that you have yet to hook me with your first chapter. Mainly because I don't know anything about the people in the story, and people are the most important aspect of the story in my thoughts., so I'm a bit at odds here. But, if you keep posting, I'll keep reading.

[blarg]

i'm sorry for beginning confusion but this is in a sense very much like r.a. salvatore's first story with the drow you are kind of thrust in and develop a slow understanding of everything, it's an approach i wanted to try out... i already have chapter 2 mostly written but ya skiing, chatting, writing, reading, and hw do not mix too well so ya. I'll try to put it up as soon as i can Feel at ease for i will have chapter three up by tuesday, perhaps even four will find its way online!!!

~blarg

[Babymullet Ver 9.8]

Oh I think there is much to be said with thrusting the reader into the world of the story and have them pick up details along the way, I prefer it over a dry explanation any day.

Still, you can start building a base very easily even when you're thrust in a story. For example, if you ever do improv comedy it is important to fit as much random detail about your character as possible. For example, I could just say this:

"Hey, this is like that time we got arrested at that tennis match."

Alright, so that's building up a base. Suddenly I've given a history, or at least part of a history, of a character in less than one sentence. You can go even further by saying this.

"Hey, this was like the time when we are Yale and we went streaking through the professor's tennis match because he was being a git."

Again, we use a sentence, but we have now built up a much larger report with the character. Always try and find ways to fit little details about someone, but if you can, go back to their past, it makes connecting with the reader all the easier.

[blarg]

i don't think that style would work with a serious toned story- here, just keep reading and tell me if u r not "engrossed" by end of chap 4
~blarg

[link]

this is funny, because i understand all of this. almost a year ago, Blarg gave me a couple pages of some story he was working on, and it was about some girl who was stabed in the hart, gave up her soal to a demigod to become a succubus. my guess is that that's the back story to this current story.

great start, even if it was a little hard to get through. you should realy hurry up with that edit.

[blarg]

Here comes the long-awaited chapter 2! I hope you like it as it begins to build on to some action! Please live through my rather long elaboration of the setting of the world. Thanks- i know that i still haven't edited, i want to get a lot more up before i do that and i'd like to inform everyone that i'm like 90% unconcious at the moment, that is the state that i wrote half of this chapter in, but without further delay! HERE'S CHAPTER 2!!!

Chapter 2

Vurul Lorvilok was a human wizard- one of immense power and undetermined age. He often took the form of a young handsome man while other times he took the form of an aging man. All anyone knew was that he was definitively the oldest human being alive who has not passed onto lichdom. What many people didn’t know was his druidic and religious side for he was a druidic wizard priest and all those classifications just went to show how powerful the man truly was.

Vurul was mostly a secretive and isolated man who would venture to the mountainous city of Uhao located below his sanctum to bed with women listen to tales that are too miniscule or too outrageous to ask of demons for. In reality there was one man in the world who knew the ever-changing man and understood his guarded secret and that very man was walking up a trail to the wizard’s sanctum. Atamus pressed on out the city gates of Uhao and into the bitter cold which was enforced by wind that bit at his skin relentlessly for it was no longer hindered by the walls of the city.

Taking a deep breath he took two steps forward and it wasn’t even those two steps before he felt the slam of the city’s portcullis dropping to the ground with a thud behind him making his feet wobble from the vibrations transferred from the ground through the snow and into his legs. Atamus was no adventurer nor was he anything that might even come close to that classification. He was a scholar and a well renowned one as well for he studied in the dead art of alchemy with rather positive results. The lands knew him as the man who had managed to turn copper into gold but copper was the lowest valued material he’d managed to do such a transmutation with.

Soon after the breakthrough Atamus was nearly assassinated by several assassins who’d been sent by several different rulers of lands near and abroad- fearing that he would make a lucky nation rich beyond anyone’s imagination. Deciding his life too dangerous to lead, he vanished paying several men to safeguard each other from betraying him and his disappearance and then headed off in search of sanctuary.

Strangely Atamus, who’d always thought of Vurul as a strange and unpredictable man- thus dangerous and unlikable- was the first one who came to his mind to go to. After many hours of trudging through the deep snow of the mountains; with wind constantly biting through his fur coats and at his skin as well as nearly falling off the narrow face running along the edge of a road leading to the wizard’s tower he finally got there. Jumping up with vitality that had deserted him with the first steps out of the city, he got over three steps and landed before an ominous door looming over him.

The door creaked open revealing a splendid waiting room in which there was a spiral stair case leading to the floor on the opposite side of the room. To his left stood a couch worthy of a king and to his right he saw a bookshelf decorated with rare pieces of literature. Around the room in no particular order there were portraits depicting several famous wizards, priests, and more rarely than the others- druids. A chandelier hung from the top of the ceiling and went down ten feet on the golden chain before leveling off to reveal golden structure emanating light. Though Vurul was a hermit in his own right, he did not like to live in poverty.

Smiling he disregarded both the benches and books and decided to look around the room, the last time he’d been there was a decade ago when the wizard first brought forth the tower and the inside was nothing less than bare with a few occasional wooden benches and tables scattered around. And now it seemed as if it was as grand as a high-priest’s quarters in the richest city in the world, Rome.

The alchemist didn’t manage to explore through the many portraits for long before he heard the scuffling of feet. It was very ominous and then after a few seconds of listening to them he realized there was more than one pair. Accompanying the thought came a woman’s giggle and the appearance of the giggler herself. A rather tall and slender woman who was partly naked stood atop the stairs with her dress in her hands and her blouse still not completely fastened. She had golden hair trailing down past her shoulders slightly disheveled showing signs of struggle… or perhaps something more intimate. She had prominent facial features which made Atamus quickly realize she was an elf and not just some random one either- she was royalty. She stared at alchemist with a hint of surprise on her fair face. Not much later he realized that she had had no idea that he’d entered the building.

The Elven woman simply stared down the man for a woman of her old age did not succumb to weakness of the flesh- but Atamus was not quite past that stage yet and slowly, very reluctantly he dragged his stare from the beautiful elf and pretended to be interested in the portraits once again. Not a moment too soon Vurul appeared equally disheveled and a bit light footed. He walked up to the edge of his stairs and looked down on his visitor, after a moment of thought his expression became one of recognition. “Ah my old friend Atamus, I would’ve never expected you to show up here!”

Atamus smiled back at the old man simply to give him a polite greeting for after all he was the guest of the house. “Ah but where are my manners my dear friend! Sometimes I believe that I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached to my body! Alzera meet Atamus an old friend.” Forcing a smile the scholar turned to face the elf and did a low bow to acknowledge her presence while honoring her.

“I’d love to stay and meet your... friend. But I must leave…” She paused and leaned back to hear something that Vurul whispered into her ear, he had taken the form of a strapping young elf with an angular jaw that spoke superiority. He had green eyes as was common amongst elves. His ears were not as pointed as a normal elf rather more rounded like a human’s while showing some hints of elf-like traits in them. Walking up to the equally handsome woman he cradled her and began to mutter the words of a spell. The elven queen who was still partly undressed had her eyes closed and stood very still but as the spell came to its climax and its ending the sly old mage apparently did something to arouse the woman for she opened her eyes in surprise and gave a grin as she disappeared.

Atamus did not have to be told to wait for he knew that the wizard did not like any form other than his aged one for it reminded of his actual age. Almost immediately after the departure of the woman the mage simply shifted forms in a blink of an eye. There was no complex structure growth; it was nothing like what a lycanthrope might have to experience to transform rather it was purely a magical illusion which had physical properties. The wizard was now an old man with a long white beard with glasses at the end of a long pointed nose. He had a white robes and a white hat on along with a magical staff- one Atamus recognized as a staff of power in his right hand.

“So Atamus have you come here to seek shelter?” Asked the old wizard in an exasperated and bored voice.

Responding in the opposite spectrum of speech the scholar chided the wizard in almost light-hearted manner. “Why you haven’t even asked about how things were,” seeing the mighty wizard’s facial expressions change he quickly stopped talking so intimately with his friend, “never mind, you’ve always been straight to business with everything including ladies.” With the ending note the wizard offered the nervous alchemist a smile but it soon disappeared.

Taking a breath to continue the slightly large scholar backed up and sat down on the bench and recounted his story and by the end of it Vurul produced an amused expression. “I knew what happened in the city my friend I was just wondering if you’d be honest. And yes of course you can stay here under my protection though I advise you to remain hidden for I have become quite the entertainer lately.” Vurul saw the confused expression on his friend’s face and continued on, “Simply put, I messed up. I entered the village a while ago and not long after I found myself entwined with an elven maiden who would not let me go- only later did I realize she was the queen of Italy… you wouldn’t believe my shock for I had just defied one of the strongest rulers in the world to just sleep with his wife.”

The wizard laughed nervously to himself but Atamus found nothing amusing about such an action, “I told you that your constant adventuring to those taverns and getting together with random strangers would lead you to trouble. I guess it’s just been accumulating from day one so now you’re stuck with a cheating queen of one of the most powerful nations in the world. You should at least consider yourself lucky that it isn’t a human king or else he’d of found out long ago.” Even with the grave tone of his friend the wizard dismissed the notion and began to traverse the “balcony” overlooking his waiting room and walked down next to his friend.

“Do not worry about me my friend; it is you who I’m worried about. If anything goes wrong I can always disappear for a few decades. While you cannot and you’re facing an immediate life-threatening situation, I can almost guarantee you that you will be safe while you remain in here but it will get dull in here after a while. After all for how long can the mountain tops of the Alpine’s stay interesting?” The druid was now standing directly across from Atamus. He continued, “You should know that it will be impossible for me to teleport you out of here because of the uncountable amounts of circling assassins who will with time will have magical means to track you down.”

The scholar smiled wryly at his long-time companion, “Don’t worry hopefully with time the assassins will stop but until that time I will have plenty of time to study Alchemy.”

The wizard looked at the scholar and reluctantly nodded, “You know that you should stop studying something potentially as dangerous as alchemy. But then again your road is not mine to walk.” The two realizing they’d reached an agreement began to walk up the stairs, together. Regarding his companion and his person for the first time the old wizard realized that Atamus had only traveling furs on his being along with some concealed magical devices that he could sense due to their arcane aura. “You do realize that you have no belongings on your person?”

Trailing slightly to the wizards left up the spiraling stairs the fat man smiled, “Not completely, I have my notes in my left breast pocket and I need none else unless my dear friend’s wealth has diminished greatly in the past few moments.”

“I see, so you held nothing dear enough to take with you- the exception being your notes. Very well I will provide you a concealed chamber, watch your head.” Vurul’s warning was heeded too late for as the two rounded the corner to a second hall branching off the one running by the “balcony” of the greeting hall they’d came to a small opened portal which had been opened by his will. Knowing well ahead of time of the small opening the wizard was ready to duck down but his larger companion was not so fortunate and made full contact between his face and the stone work of the grey hallway falling backwards flat on his back onto the red carpet laid on top of the hall’s floor.

Smiling in a slightly apologetic manner the wizard mumbled “Sorry” and continued on not waiting for his companion to regain his bearings- he didn’t have to not three seconds after the collision the man was back up and through the hole coming into an elegant room with a ceiling much higher than the door leading into it. There were several other doors leading out of the room branching out to other rooms of the complex, the center of the complex though- the place that the duo had came into was the bedroom.

Looking around Atamus saw his bed with spires at each post going up and supporting a royal purple canvas with drapes falling down to the ground around the bed allowing slightly distorted viewing of the green covers on the bed itself. Next to the bed there was nothing except for one shelf that stood six feet high containing several drawers; it was equally splendid; made out of white wood with ivy carvings draping its frame. On the opposite side of the room there was a table adorned with writing materials, a metal floating four feet above the table emanating a light yellow hue over the table.

“There are other rooms branching off of this one, you have a kitchen, a bath room, a library, and more I assure you. I even took the liberty to assign three imps to this residence to serve any needs that the entertained guest would require. I’m sorry that I gave you such a place but I cannot allow you to dwell in my actual tower.”

Knowing the man’s predicament but at the same time having no knowledge as to why the man was apologizing for providing such splendid housing for the weary traveler. “Don’t worry; I’m grateful that you gave me more than a place to stay. This is the quality of a king’s room! I will be perfectly well off in here. I won’t come out unless there’s some kind of emergency or unless you bade me to.”

Raising his eye brow Vurul began to walk out and lifted his head to the right looking over his shoulder coming a foot short of the portal out, “Don’t worry I had no problem providing this apartment to you. As for the quality of this place I assure you that it’s amazing but it comes quite a bit short of my own private chambers- I find it comforting that I live in greater chambers than a king.” Leaving the fat scholar with a gaping mouth the man exited the room and to add to the man’s confusion the hole shut after the man revealing that he was trapped in the place. After a few minutes of standing still he simply shrugged and began to explore the rooms of his new home.

**

As Vurul stepped out of the room a man appeared in front of him with a crack in the air. The man was extremely lean and gave out a corrupted feeling to a surrounding area making the aging wizard feel slightly at comfort but he quickly brushed off such pathetic feelings and stood to full height to regard the intruding man.

The man had black hair trailing down his back and had very prominent features indicating an elf and to further appease any onlooker he had pointed ears, but unlike other elves he had black pupils, the man was also ghostly pale. “Hello Vurul.” Said the man smiling revealing elongated canine teeth, at the end of his greetings three more cracks resounded in the air as three other figures emerged; a two more men and a women all showing similar frames to the original figure.

“Hello Sasha, Igor, Harold, and Louvre. I didn’t know that your kind came in numbers…”

All four shot the wizard fierce glares boring into the man but he remained unfazed, he continued on, “What has happened that the chosen four delegates of great secretive group of the pompous Dracula.”

The four vampires didn’t remark on the arrogant human’s words for they knew who they were dealing with and had no intentions in souring their relations with such a powerful ally further than necessary.

“We didn’t come here for ridiculous exchanges. We’ve came to notify you of the disturbance in the flow of dark energies of late. Our master noticed this a few months back but thought nothing of it… but the scale is being set out of balance, even we, creatures of the gaining forces have become concerned with this.” All four showed no emotions on their pale and stiff faces.

“Well that’s all good and nice but why send you four delegates here instead of a messenger boy?” Feeling a bit out of ease the wizard had maneuvered his self out from being between the vampires and the hall’s wall to go out into the middle of the hall with the vampires in their original position who’d pivoted to keep their faces on him.

“We came here to ensure your cooperation we want you to confront the source of this disruption. We have no intention in confronting someone feeding us the power that we so crave. But at the same time we do not wish to wage war against the goodly races of Europe nor invoke the wrath of beings that have been dormant for thousands of millennia that a human such as your self could not even fathom.”

The ever cocky wizard disregarded the insult, “Do not think of me as a simple human. I may not have passed into lichdom but I assure you that I’m several times older than any of you. As for this menace… I will deal swiftly with it and I’ll be leaving promptly and now I ask of you to leave my premises immediately and to never come in uninvited under penalty of my wrath.”

The four intruders gawked at the confronting human. “Very well we will take our leaves, but how will you plan on finding this source without us imparting our knowledge?” Questioned the ever inept Louvre, the wizard eyed him in such a manner that promised certain death and held the poor vampire in stupor for several seconds. Upon awareness he realized that he’d been abandoned by his comrades and without a seconds thought he vanished from sight after them.

The wizard didn’t wait a heart beat after the final disappearance, quickly launching himself into a brisk walk his white robes flowing over the ground behind him as he crossed the halls of the tower that was exponentially larger than it appeared from the outside. After several minutes of going trough several hallways and up several stairs he finally came to large chamber with hundreds of staves, swords, wands, shields, armors, robes, tomes, and various other magical items either set down on desks, stored in cabinets leading to dimensional pockets, or strapped onto the surrounding walls.

Taking a deep breath he expanded his conscious awareness throughout the room and embraced the sentient beings mental intrusions allowing it to delve into his mind and find out what he required of the room. Not soon after a blue Irnok demon with red spiraling came into the physical plane bearing a chest with the requested items. “Thank you V’leso, and as promised the next time you do a task I will set you free.” Carelessly remarked the confident wizard, and in response the demon said nothing, simply disappearing to hell for it had been sworn to not say a single word while in service under punishment of further indenture- Vurul really did not like demons.

Walking up to the golden rimmed chest created out of an oak tree he waved his hand to make it fly forth off the ground and spring open before the wizard. Looking into it he saw a great deal of items. Without delay he donned a new robe his current one disappearing for it had been a physical illusion the new one was white as well but had a few pockets hidden in its exterior folds in order to allow quick access to extra dimensional storages. Not long afterwards he put a different ring on each finger.

After a few seconds of pushing things around he put on soft clothe shoes, a real wizard hat, strapped girdle created from a white leopard’s hide, and strapped a thin dagger into the sheath sewn into the girdle. A second later he finished with an amulet of protection and decided to keep his staff of power- his only real object that came along with his transformation.

Sighing the man backed up from the now empty and still floating open chest. He released it from his magical grip and let it fall to the floor giving off a resounding clang throughout the room. He was finally able to relax, despite his unnerved appearance when he’d confronted the four vampires he had been extremely frightened. Four vampire delegates were no easy matter, though he didn’t doubt that he could defeat them even if they came at him while he wasn’t at his own home, he was most definitively concerned with what news they brought with them.

The vampires were a small clan that lived in the east in Russia and in Asia in general alongside the Orcs, Goblins, Trolls and other evil creatures, but they were by far the most organized and as a whole most powerful. If Dracula was concerned with a tip of balance then Vurul by all means was exasperated. Though a creature of evil Dracula was infinitely wise for he was the only being that had lived those millions of years ago when the world had come to an end and resulted in the destruction of all civilizations throughout the world- of course he never imparted the knowledge of what had happened.

Dracula was also an entity close to the semblance of a god dwelling in the material plane, it is unheard of any one standing against the creature and surviving the encounter. Luckily he desired in simply living for eternity constantly consuming more and more knowledge while he grew more powerful for the day he might finally become a full fledged god.

No one actually knew how to become a god, but many guessed that Dracula was the closest to becoming one for the last billion years. Coming in full circle in his train of thoughts he came back to his initial worries, why would such a powerful being be afraid? Were the gods involved in this? No, no gods my demonic sources would’ve informed me by now… Musing to himself he rubbed a the ring on his right pinky instantly teleporting him thousands of miles to the middle east where his informant- an imp had told him a Succubus had appeared. “Well I suppose you’re worth seeing after all my dear.” Smiled the grim sage as he fell down the sky directly en route to a flying figure a hundred feet below him.

~blarg

[Chromos]

I haven't had a chance to read all of it, but I like what I have read so far. Good work, Blarg!