The other future

**teenstar** · 15-04-2009

It was summer in a small town in California, this was the town where a 15 year old Ashley lived in. It was a town like any other, you had working people working every day. The children playing and going to school every day and of course the parrents.

Ashley was a 15 year old boy with medium long blonde hair and of course the blue eyes. He was a very bright youn kid who used to be very active with most sports, you know the popular boy. Who most people wanted to be friends with, but somehow felt it hard to be. As it is with most popular kids these days.

Anyways this is where our story really starts.

C1

"So are u coming?", Jay asked Ashley while staring at his textbook. "I don't know.", Ashley said while taking a sip from his soda.

Jay was most likely to be seen as one of Ashley's best friends, thought many didn't like this.

"Ahh, come on man. U already blowed us of once.", Jay said as he rememberd how he waited for him to show up last Friday.

"Okay than.", Ashley said as he looked at him, Jay was his friend ever since he moved to this little town. He in a way looked similar like Ashley tanned, blonde hair, blue eyes and a slim body.

"Going to where?", said a voice that came behin Ashley, who turned around in surprise as he stared at Mischa.

"Random place.", he quickly said to her as he wanted to turn around.

In responce she nodded slightly and looked at Jay, who was also amazed by the girls beaty. "The old Factory", he said as he tried to smile to her.

"For what a party?", she asked playfull as she tried to obtain more information from him.

"Yeah...", Jay said softly, but before he could finnish his sentance he was shut up by Ashley poking him with his foot. A second passed bye when he did, Ashley hoped that Jay got the message from him, but than again he was unsurtain if he did.

"Just a party..", Jay finally said as he stared at Ashley, knowing slightly his friend didn't want her to know anymore about it. "Ow... Okay than. Well maybe I'll see you two there, I got to go to class. Bye", she said as she looked at both boys, not knowing exactly what to say next. Ashley slidly noted her nodding as she walked away from them.

"Dude, what was that about?", Jay asked him as he looked at him. "Nothing...", he said while staring back. "I just don't want her to hang around with us that much.", he said as he took a moment to look at his watch. 12:45 he read as he stared at it. "Come on we need to get to class.", Ashley said as he finnished drinking his drink and grabbing his backpack.

Jay nodded slightly. He knew that Ashley was one of the coolest guys to hang around with, but at the same time he also knew of his problems. But instead of talking about it, Ashley kept those things to himself. And even know Jay didn't like that, he kept at as such.

Both boys walked into school where both of them where greeted every now and than. After a short walk they enterd the science class of Mr. Hendriks, a old guy who seemed always to respond in a grumpy way.

satyrical · 17-04-2009

I do want to see where you're going with this, so please keep writing.

**teenstar** · 18-04-2009

And this hour was no diffrence with the man. As ussual he scolded the kids who had failed to make their homework and after reading the assignmeants with the class he acted even more grumpy at every bad answer.

It was a delight for the students to finally hear the schoolbell ring. The class slowly grabbed their stuff from the desks and inserted them into their backpack. They acted so slowly as the still knew what happend the first lesson they had from him.

Ashley nodded slightly as he got up from his chair and flipped his backpack on his back. "Ashley.", Mr. Hendriks said harshly as he looked at the young teenager.

"Yes?", said Ashley as he looked at the man. "Good job on your last assignmeant, keep it up.", he said on a strange way to him.

"Thanks.", Ashley said on a more calmly voice, it wasn't odd for him to be commented on his work. However he was surprised to hear it from him, after all Mr. Hendrikse was known to pick on the popular kids on school.

When Ashley finally left the room, he was quickly fallowed by Jay. "Wait up Ashley.", he said as he tried his best to catch up to his friend.

"What I said I was going to wait on you by the lockers.", Ashley said while looking at the blue eyes of his friend. "I know, but I didn't want to be left alone there.", he said as he catched up with him.

"Sure...", Ashley said as he nodded softly while turning his eyes the other way. "Hey tell me, what did your parrents say?", Ashley asked as he looked at Jay.

"About?", Jay asked him as they both reached their lockers.

"About u starting with your driver license?", Ashley asked him while unlocking his locker.

Jay nodded softly in return while trying to think what he wanted to say.

"They, well... Let's just say...", he started to stammer.

Ashley smiled as he grabbed a spanish book "U haven't told them yet.", he said as he put the book in his backpack.

Jay softly nodded and looked a bit guilty to Ashley. "No... I tried yesterday, but than my mom started to talk about... well u know.", Jay said he grabbed a book out of his locker and placed another one in it.

"Have u asked it?", he said as Ashley closed his locker. "Yeah I have told him and he was cool about it.", Ashley said while he waited for Jay to be ready.

"For real?", Jay asked while Ashley only gave a slide nod to him. "Hey but I gotta run to class.", Ashley said as he looked at his watch. "Okay, c ya later.", Jay said as both seperated their ways untill they where both for the day and met with each other at the parkingplace.

As any other afternoon Ashley had to participate the Spannish classes of Ms. Jurot. She was one of the newest teachers on school and as any boy in the class, Ashley thought she was hot. Thought she was only 23, she looked amazing. She was thin, had brown eyes and had dark long hair. In one word she belonged to the top thee of hottest teachers within their school. As he enterd her classroom he was greated by her with a beatifull smile. Thought Ashley didn't know for sure if she smiled at him or to one of the other students who where already sitting on their seats.

"Hey Ashley.", said a formiliar voice behind his back. In return Ashley nodded first slightly as he turned around and faced Mischa for the third time this day. "Hey.", he said in return while he turned around and started to unpack his backpack.

"Mind if I sit next to you?", she asked as she already stood next to him. "No go ahead.", he said as she already took her place next to him. "So did u had any problems with the assignmeant?", she asked as she tried to start a further conversation with him.

"Not so much.", he said while he grabbed a pen from his backpack. "Why u?", he asked in return, just to sound polite.

"Yeah a little, the second assignmeant.", she said.

(More will come as it goes. And yes I have a idea of where I want this to go.)

baconbit · 22-04-2009

Did you even read this over. You used "u" instead of you i say "had" instead of have, "on" for in, and "of" for off. You really should have went over this a few times in word or open office before posting it.

I also noticed you a miss wording sentences all together. "Why u?" should have been "Why, did you?" and "Yeah a little, the second assignmeant." should be "Yeah, a little on the second assignment.". You made quite a few more of those mistakes as well.

Other than that I think you should develop the characters more in the story. I am happy that for the most part you are using correct grammar.

huggies_cutie · 25-04-2009

I totally agree with genbaby. Also, you may want to diverge, as this story seems very uncreative and has exactly the same plot as about 1000 other diaper stories. Why does it always have to have the character being good at everything. I'm sorry but that was very boring dialogue

**teenstar** · 27-04-2009

Guys correct me if I'm wrong. But this is my story. Original or not, I will make it as I see fit, after all I have the freedom to do so.

If you like it, great. If u don't than buzz of.

teenbaby96 · 08-05-2009

I read similar stories like this, same plot, story line and everything, why not try something new. Its a good try though

**mark** · 08-05-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by teenstar

Guys correct me if I'm wrong. But this is my story. Original or not, I will make it as I see fit, after all I have the freedom to do so.

If you like it, great. If u don't than buzz of.

Yes, you do have the freedom to make it as you see fit, but they also have the freedom to critique a story that you posted publicly.

15-04-2009	#1 (permalink)
teenstar Lurker Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Utrecht, Netherlands Posts: 15 Threads: 2 Blog Entries: 1 Reputation: 0	The other future It was summer in a small town in California, this was the town where a 15 year old Ashley lived in. It was a town like any other, you had working people working every day. The children playing and going to school every day and of course the parrents. Ashley was a 15 year old boy with medium long blonde hair and of course the blue eyes. He was a very bright youn kid who used to be very active with most sports, you know the popular boy. Who most people wanted to be friends with, but somehow felt it hard to be. As it is with most popular kids these days. Anyways this is where our story really starts. C1 "So are u coming?", Jay asked Ashley while staring at his textbook. "I don't know.", Ashley said while taking a sip from his soda. Jay was most likely to be seen as one of Ashley's best friends, thought many didn't like this. "Ahh, come on man. U already blowed us of once.", Jay said as he rememberd how he waited for him to show up last Friday. "Okay than.", Ashley said as he looked at him, Jay was his friend ever since he moved to this little town. He in a way looked similar like Ashley tanned, blonde hair, blue eyes and a slim body. "Going to where?", said a voice that came behin Ashley, who turned around in surprise as he stared at Mischa. "Random place.", he quickly said to her as he wanted to turn around. In responce she nodded slightly and looked at Jay, who was also amazed by the girls beaty. "The old Factory", he said as he tried to smile to her. "For what a party?", she asked playfull as she tried to obtain more information from him. "Yeah...", Jay said softly, but before he could finnish his sentance he was shut up by Ashley poking him with his foot. A second passed bye when he did, Ashley hoped that Jay got the message from him, but than again he was unsurtain if he did. "Just a party..", Jay finally said as he stared at Ashley, knowing slightly his friend didn't want her to know anymore about it. "Ow... Okay than. Well maybe I'll see you two there, I got to go to class. Bye", she said as she looked at both boys, not knowing exactly what to say next. Ashley slidly noted her nodding as she walked away from them. "Dude, what was that about?", Jay asked him as he looked at him. "Nothing...", he said while staring back. "I just don't want her to hang around with us that much.", he said as he took a moment to look at his watch. 12:45 he read as he stared at it. "Come on we need to get to class.", Ashley said as he finnished drinking his drink and grabbing his backpack. Jay nodded slightly. He knew that Ashley was one of the coolest guys to hang around with, but at the same time he also knew of his problems. But instead of talking about it, Ashley kept those things to himself. And even know Jay didn't like that, he kept at as such. Both boys walked into school where both of them where greeted every now and than. After a short walk they enterd the science class of Mr. Hendriks, a old guy who seemed always to respond in a grumpy way. Last edited by teenstar; 16-04-2009 at 11:47 AM.

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17-04-2009	#2 (permalink)
satyrical The Writer Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: NS, Canada Age: 21 Posts: 1,038 Threads: 13 Blog Entries: 5 Reputation: 39	I do want to see where you're going with this, so please keep writing.

18-04-2009	#3 (permalink)
teenstar Lurker Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Utrecht, Netherlands Posts: 15 Threads: 2 Blog Entries: 1 Reputation: 0	And this hour was no diffrence with the man. As ussual he scolded the kids who had failed to make their homework and after reading the assignmeants with the class he acted even more grumpy at every bad answer. It was a delight for the students to finally hear the schoolbell ring. The class slowly grabbed their stuff from the desks and inserted them into their backpack. They acted so slowly as the still knew what happend the first lesson they had from him. Ashley nodded slightly as he got up from his chair and flipped his backpack on his back. "Ashley.", Mr. Hendriks said harshly as he looked at the young teenager. "Yes?", said Ashley as he looked at the man. "Good job on your last assignmeant, keep it up.", he said on a strange way to him. "Thanks.", Ashley said on a more calmly voice, it wasn't odd for him to be commented on his work. However he was surprised to hear it from him, after all Mr. Hendrikse was known to pick on the popular kids on school. When Ashley finally left the room, he was quickly fallowed by Jay. "Wait up Ashley.", he said as he tried his best to catch up to his friend. "What I said I was going to wait on you by the lockers.", Ashley said while looking at the blue eyes of his friend. "I know, but I didn't want to be left alone there.", he said as he catched up with him. "Sure...", Ashley said as he nodded softly while turning his eyes the other way. "Hey tell me, what did your parrents say?", Ashley asked as he looked at Jay. "About?", Jay asked him as they both reached their lockers. "About u starting with your driver license?", Ashley asked him while unlocking his locker. Jay nodded softly in return while trying to think what he wanted to say. "They, well... Let's just say...", he started to stammer. Ashley smiled as he grabbed a spanish book "U haven't told them yet.", he said as he put the book in his backpack. Jay softly nodded and looked a bit guilty to Ashley. "No... I tried yesterday, but than my mom started to talk about... well u know.", Jay said he grabbed a book out of his locker and placed another one in it. "Have u asked it?", he said as Ashley closed his locker. "Yeah I have told him and he was cool about it.", Ashley said while he waited for Jay to be ready. "For real?", Jay asked while Ashley only gave a slide nod to him. "Hey but I gotta run to class.", Ashley said as he looked at his watch. "Okay, c ya later.", Jay said as both seperated their ways untill they where both for the day and met with each other at the parkingplace. As any other afternoon Ashley had to participate the Spannish classes of Ms. Jurot. She was one of the newest teachers on school and as any boy in the class, Ashley thought she was hot. Thought she was only 23, she looked amazing. She was thin, had brown eyes and had dark long hair. In one word she belonged to the top thee of hottest teachers within their school. As he enterd her classroom he was greated by her with a beatifull smile. Thought Ashley didn't know for sure if she smiled at him or to one of the other students who where already sitting on their seats. "Hey Ashley.", said a formiliar voice behind his back. In return Ashley nodded first slightly as he turned around and faced Mischa for the third time this day. "Hey.", he said in return while he turned around and started to unpack his backpack. "Mind if I sit next to you?", she asked as she already stood next to him. "No go ahead.", he said as she already took her place next to him. "So did u had any problems with the assignmeant?", she asked as she tried to start a further conversation with him. "Not so much.", he said while he grabbed a pen from his backpack. "Why u?", he asked in return, just to sound polite. "Yeah a little, the second assignmeant.", she said. (More will come as it goes. And yes I have a idea of where I want this to go.)

22-04-2009	#4 (permalink)
baconbit Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Maryland USA Age: 15 Posts: 1,651 Threads: 30 Blog Entries: 6 Reputation: 13	Did you even read this over. You used "u" instead of you i say "had" instead of have, "on" for in, and "of" for off. You really should have went over this a few times in word or open office before posting it. I also noticed you a miss wording sentences all together. "Why u?" should have been "Why, did you?" and "Yeah a little, the second assignmeant." should be "Yeah, a little on the second assignment.". You made quite a few more of those mistakes as well. Other than that I think you should develop the characters more in the story. I am happy that for the most part you are using correct grammar.

25-04-2009	#5 (permalink)
huggies_cutie Regular Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 67 Threads: 4 Reputation: 1	I totally agree with genbaby. Also, you may want to diverge, as this story seems very uncreative and has exactly the same plot as about 1000 other diaper stories. Why does it always have to have the character being good at everything. I'm sorry but that was very boring dialogue

27-04-2009	#6 (permalink)
teenstar Lurker Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Utrecht, Netherlands Posts: 15 Threads: 2 Blog Entries: 1 Reputation: 0	Guys correct me if I'm wrong. But this is my story. Original or not, I will make it as I see fit, after all I have the freedom to do so. If you like it, great. If u don't than buzz of.

08-05-2009	#7 (permalink)
teenbaby96 Regular Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Malaysia Posts: 64 Threads: 1 Reputation: 0	I read similar stories like this, same plot, story line and everything, why not try something new. Its a good try though