My Diapers and Me

Arlikra · 15-04-2009

Ok... I actually hate this now. Thanks to everybody for reading and commenting

Wegs · 15-04-2009

Nice start. It was well written, and interesting. I look forward to more.

Arlikra · 15-04-2009

Thanks for the feedback Wegs

I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do with this but that has now changed and I'll be writing more but maybe not here because I don't really see it as a story as such, I'll see how it goes I guess.

bordendazed · 19-04-2009

Then again the folks may be oblivious to the obvious...

Calico · 19-04-2009

Is it "Eye-den" or "Aid-den?"

Arlikra · 20-04-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Calico

Is it "Eye-den" or "Aid-den?"

Good point. I really don't know, it was a random name I found on the internet. Pronounce it however you want

I think I will write more when I have time. I just read it back and I honestly think it sucks and that kind of puts me off carrying on. I am really critical of myself though.

babylife247 · 20-04-2009

Look very good love this soo far nice start can't wait for more.

Thunder · 20-04-2009

I liked it. It was a very good start, except the sentences seemed a little short. The one thing I noticed was that I really didn't get to know the charecters much. I learned that Aiden was 4 and a half, and shy, but that was about it. I'd like to know more about them as people, not as charecters. And in a well written story, it's not strewn out in one sentence, such as: "Aiden is 4 and a half, four feet and five inches, he's of hispanic decent and he has curly brown hair." That's not a way that readers like to learn about charecters, it needs to be as if it's not a narrator telling the story, for example: "Aiden yawned, greeting the new day. He sat up on his bright blue bed and walked downstairs to see his parents. "Hi Dad!" He said, his dad looked down and smiled. He rustled his fingers through Aiden's curly brown hair, and said, "Hi buddy! What would you like for breakfast?", Aiden cheerfully responded, "Pancakes!" looking up at his father."

It's the little descriptions that matter. People base their ideas of charecters on what they know, and use their immagination for the rest. That requires more attention be put forward by the reader, and their brain is more engaged. In example one, everything is right there, it's not as much fun for the reader to put together. Description is one of the MOST important things while writing a story. Everything revolves around you, the writer painting a picture that comes alive while being read, to make you feel like you're really there. That's the experience you should get when reading a great story, and like I said, it's the little things. The "Bright blue bed" makes a picture come to your head doesn't it? You always want to use strong adjectives when describing something. For example, "The Bright Blue Bed" compared to, "The Blue Bed" You get more out of the first, right?

The charecter's emotions are extremely important to display. When reading a very well writen story, I know and feel exactly what the charecter is going through, why the charecter is sad or happy, why he's doing what, and why he responds in a certain way to the good and bad things that happen to him. You said he noticed how comfortable the diapers were, but what about them made it so appealing to Aiden? Isn't he supposed to abhor wearing diapers? After all he's a four year old potty trained boy, and i'd immagine his parents convinced him that diapers were only for babies. I'd like to understand his feelings more.

Jocelyn seems a bit of an unkind person to me, because not many babysitters would make a young child sit in a corner all day long. And I would like to see it go a little bit deeper, such as, why hasn't she told Aiden's parents? If she's looking out for him, she should have his parents know that he's having accidents. I just think that would be the better aproach.

Just to point this out, i copied and pasted this from your story.

“Now if you need to use the toilet you take it off and go,”

Not to be rude, but this sentence is constructed a bit poorly. It should look more like this:

“Now if you need to use the toilet, take the diaper off and go.”

Try not to use "It" when you can avoid to when talking about something specific (especially in dialogue), unless you mention that item several times in the same sentence. It was proboably just a typo, but you had a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence. Make sure to use commas in senteces, otherwise it won't sound right.

For example:

"Billy thought it would be fun to go outside so he did."
Doesn't look as good as:
"Billy thought it would be fun to go outside, so he did."

A comma can make a huge difference. And I hope you use a lot of dialogue, because it seems fitting for this story.

How's that for constructive criticism?

Otherwise, i liked the beggining to the story, it seems promising.

BabyGrizzy · 21-04-2009

At first, I thought it was going to be the classic story about a little kid who wets his pants and gets a spanking or something like that...I must say that I was pleasantly surprised...I'd love to read more!

Arlikra · 21-04-2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thunder

How's that for constructive criticism?

Brilliant thank you

15-04-2009	#1 (permalink)
Arlikra AsH ♥ NoNa Donor Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Staffordshire, UK Age: 21 Posts: 500 Threads: 19 Wiki Edits: 2 Reputation: 12	My Diapers and Me Ok... I actually hate this now. Thanks to everybody for reading and commenting Last edited by Arlikra; 23-04-2009 at 01:53 AM.

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15-04-2009	#2 (permalink)
Wegs Adam's Little Brother Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: NJ, USA Age: 15 Posts: 1,030 Threads: 29 Wiki Edits: 1 Blog Entries: 8 Reputation: 24	Nice start. It was well written, and interesting. I look forward to more.

15-04-2009	#3 (permalink)
Arlikra AsH ♥ NoNa Donor Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Staffordshire, UK Age: 21 Posts: 500 Threads: 19 Wiki Edits: 2 Reputation: 12	Thanks for the feedback Wegs I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do with this but that has now changed and I'll be writing more but maybe not here because I don't really see it as a story as such, I'll see how it goes I guess.

19-04-2009	#4 (permalink)
bordendazed Banned Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: USA Posts: 17 Threads: 1 Reputation: 0	Then again the folks may be oblivious to the obvious...

19-04-2009	#5 (permalink)
Calico VIP Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Rockford (hometown Oregon) Age: 24 Posts: 574 Threads: 39 Reputation: 26	Is it "Eye-den" or "Aid-den?"

20-04-2009	#7 (permalink)
babylife247 Regular Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 160 Threads: 7 Reputation: 4	Look very good love this soo far nice start can't wait for more.

20-04-2009	#8 (permalink)
Thunder Regular Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Connecticut, USA Posts: 260 Threads: 16 Reputation: 5	I liked it. It was a very good start, except the sentences seemed a little short. The one thing I noticed was that I really didn't get to know the charecters much. I learned that Aiden was 4 and a half, and shy, but that was about it. I'd like to know more about them as people, not as charecters. And in a well written story, it's not strewn out in one sentence, such as: "Aiden is 4 and a half, four feet and five inches, he's of hispanic decent and he has curly brown hair." That's not a way that readers like to learn about charecters, it needs to be as if it's not a narrator telling the story, for example: "Aiden yawned, greeting the new day. He sat up on his bright blue bed and walked downstairs to see his parents. "Hi Dad!" He said, his dad looked down and smiled. He rustled his fingers through Aiden's curly brown hair, and said, "Hi buddy! What would you like for breakfast?", Aiden cheerfully responded, "Pancakes!" looking up at his father." It's the little descriptions that matter. People base their ideas of charecters on what they know, and use their immagination for the rest. That requires more attention be put forward by the reader, and their brain is more engaged. In example one, everything is right there, it's not as much fun for the reader to put together. Description is one of the MOST important things while writing a story. Everything revolves around you, the writer painting a picture that comes alive while being read, to make you feel like you're really there. That's the experience you should get when reading a great story, and like I said, it's the little things. The "Bright blue bed" makes a picture come to your head doesn't it? You always want to use strong adjectives when describing something. For example, "The Bright Blue Bed" compared to, "The Blue Bed" You get more out of the first, right? The charecter's emotions are extremely important to display. When reading a very well writen story, I know and feel exactly what the charecter is going through, why the charecter is sad or happy, why he's doing what, and why he responds in a certain way to the good and bad things that happen to him. You said he noticed how comfortable the diapers were, but what about them made it so appealing to Aiden? Isn't he supposed to abhor wearing diapers? After all he's a four year old potty trained boy, and i'd immagine his parents convinced him that diapers were only for babies. I'd like to understand his feelings more. Jocelyn seems a bit of an unkind person to me, because not many babysitters would make a young child sit in a corner all day long. And I would like to see it go a little bit deeper, such as, why hasn't she told Aiden's parents? If she's looking out for him, she should have his parents know that he's having accidents. I just think that would be the better aproach. Just to point this out, i copied and pasted this from your story. “Now if you need to use the toilet you take it off and go,” Not to be rude, but this sentence is constructed a bit poorly. It should look more like this: “Now if you need to use the toilet, take the diaper off and go.” Try not to use "It" when you can avoid to when talking about something specific (especially in dialogue), unless you mention that item several times in the same sentence. It was proboably just a typo, but you had a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence. Make sure to use commas in senteces, otherwise it won't sound right. For example: "Billy thought it would be fun to go outside so he did." Doesn't look as good as: "Billy thought it would be fun to go outside, so he did." A comma can make a huge difference. And I hope you use a lot of dialogue, because it seems fitting for this story. How's that for constructive criticism? Otherwise, i liked the beggining to the story, it seems promising.

21-04-2009	#9 (permalink)
BabyGrizzy VIP Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California, USA Age: 16 Posts: 994 Threads: 78 Gallery Uploads: 37 Wiki Edits: 7 Blog Entries: 1 Reputation: 29	At first, I thought it was going to be the classic story about a little kid who wets his pants and gets a spanking or something like that...I must say that I was pleasantly surprised...I'd love to read more!