(I realised people may think this is a really long april fools, it's not)
A preface warning before I get into this, I will be describing facts about my life over the years that have lead up to this point. I've done good things and bad things with my life, you may finish my liking or hating me, I would guess the latter. I will talk about some acts that wont be PG13, but it will just be saying that they happened and no more. To keep people personal I will name them using * and a letter, such as *I.
The whole point of this is that I've got to a rather confusing stage, I don't know what to do because I am just not happy anymore.
If we start when I was 14, this is when I first started liking Diapers, I'm not sure why but I saw some and I decided to try one on, it just happened. From there I ended up learning everything about the community, it was amazing that i felt there were people out there like me. But at the same time, it wasn't.
I mean don't get me wrong I've always felt different, I've been manic depressive since I was 10, a fear of loneliness, I have aspergers and I'm a psychopath. And this made me feel like I belonged, and those few moments a day I was immersed in this life.
This took a toll on my real life, not that I stopped being friendly or enjoying myself, no, it was more of a deeper sadness, I felt alone and unloved. I found girls easy to talk to at this age, they would be friends with me because I always tried to help if they asked, there always had to be an answer. I used this, and started dating, it helped at the time but the sadness grew deeper.
I started too young, I was 9 when I went out with *L, I know that you'll say it wasn't a real relationship (I'm not saying it was) but that's not the point. I had someone who was there and even though I know now it wasn't real, I felt loved and needed. This is where addiction started.
My relationship with *L was on and off for two years, she's an amazing and intelligent girl and I loved her as much as someone that age could. But I could never truly open up. She broke my heart, not just by breaking up but by her reason, she didn't find me attractive anymore.
It wasn't long before I started dating *H, it never has taken long for me, not because I thought I was a catch or all the girls wanted me, but because it didn't matter who they were. Actually scratch that, it didn't matter who I was. I would change myself as much as I needed just to have that someone, the amount I suppress usually correlates with how long it last, *H didn't last long as there wasn't much to hold it together, as soon as i forget how much i hated being alone i started to realise the terrible situation I've made.
After *H came *F , who lasted about the same time, a few months, and then after *F came *R. Me and *R lasted longer from being close friends, I was still suppressing everything at this age, and while we lasted two years and then drifted apart.
This point is slightly mixed in here, as it covers all of this time, but I had been gathering girly clothes toys and baby paraphernalia at this time, mainly buying online. As well as online relationships, I would have them at the same time to get my fix while still feeling loved, it may have worked at the time but its just grew my hatred of myself. I felt sick at the people i talked to, the things i did, and i still did it.
My sadness returned, and I started seeing this girl from the year below, this didn't last long as it was a few months before i moved to Nottingham, and it meant nothing. Unlike all of my other relationships it was purely sexual, I had told her about ABDL and she was happy yo use pacifiers and bottles and stuff, but i was killing myself. I couldn't cope with the lack of feelings between us. I was 15 at the time, and she was my first.
I then moved to Nottingham, new life new chapter i thought. Damn I was wrong. It took me a few weeks before I started dating a girl, *A, she was great! The relationship started with my completely suppressing, but i was so busy from moving, i didn't have any of my stuff and i thought i could beat it. At the sixth month mark my ABDL urges came back, i started buying things again, and keeping what i did from her. About a year in I told her, it wasn't easy but she didn't mind, ish, and agreed to use the pacifier. Which was great! But my sissy side was screaming to be released.
Fast forward to one month ago, Telling all of this to my best friend *I, she had just broken up from her boyfriend, and she kissed me. Still together with *A, but me and *I started something, it only lasted a few weeks but she was my second. Even after over a year me and *A never actually made it that far, it took me and *I about three days. I wouldn't normally have done it but *I accepted me, she knew about my abdl side, and my sissy side and she didn't mind talking about it! She even helped with some make-up and stuff.
Then after *I started talking to my cousin on a game we play, I stopped what we had as I knew she caught feelings (and they are now dating). I recently broke up with *A, she found it as a shock but i couldn't be honest with her and her loving me, she wouldn't go out with me f i wasn't completely straight, and the sissy stuff was a complete no go. So another attempt to cover my loneliness cut short.
Even more recently I started talking to this girl *M, she's just different to everyone else, I told her about abdl and sissy less than a week ago. She got me a birthday present yesterday, labelled to Katie (sissy name), and it was a paci. And I really like her.
We've hit a problem, all of the other girls that i dated i loved, but i don't think I was good for them. Not that i wasn't good to them, I try to be as good a boyfriend as possible, but in the long run i tend to confuse and mess up their lives. I can't do this to her, she's already been through too much. I mean this is silly because I don't know if she'd ever have me, but I don't think i can inflict myself on her.
I'm at this point now, self loathing, loneliness and depression. Two weeks free from lessons is not a good thing for me like this. I don't know what will happen, or what I'll do, I just hope I don't regret it.