So last night my wife and I went grocery shopping. I got a sudden urge to pee really bad and I couldn't go for some reason. My wife and I were on the way to the bathroom thinking it might just be that Iím in public. We stopped in the wine section and was reading the back of a bottle of wine and realized I was peeing. I told me wife, we donít have to go Iím fine now. First experience ever like that. After putting the groceries in the truck, I climbed in to my truck and felt like I was dribbling. We wen't back to our place and made dinner. Went to the movies later last night to see Cloverfield. I had 2 large beers throughout the movie and got the urge to pee. No problem, peed. Later into the movie got another urge, for some reason I was in the mind set I have to leave the scene to go to the bathroom. So, I wanted to wait until it was over to use the bathroom, a scary part came up and startled me and I started peeing, again, didn't realize it until after I started. When I got up from the seat in the theater I felt pee come out. I couldn't tell you if it was dribble or when I stopped. It's hard to tell when the diaper is almost maxed out.
Last night before bed, I had an all of a sudden urge to poop and I wanted to hold it as I just put a fresh diaper on. I was holding it hoping the urge will go away. I bent down on my knees to get a crock pot out from under the counter and I felt a burst of pee come out and as I stood up poop came out. I felt the pressure while I was bending down and felt like it was getting sucked out as I stood up. Not very much just a little bit. I've been pooping twice a day now off and on for a week or so. It's in small amounts and not as messy. Yesterday morning when I pooped, I had the urge and went without giving resistance. My urges are early in the morning and later at night. This morning I woke up to another wet diaper and had another dream about peeing out of a window. I'm coming down with a cold and every time I sneeze/cough, I can feel pee come out I think. I was walking to the kitchen to get some cough syrup and I started to feel poop coming out but was able to clench it cause I just put on a fresh diaper. I had to fight to keep the poop in but after a couple hours the urge went away. I took a nap not sucking my thumb and I woke up to the urge, pooped first and then peed, and went back to sleep. When I woke up sucking my thumb and I was shocked. Why did I just allow it to happen? I woke up like okay, I have to poop and pee, whatever and went back sleep. I don't think I even opened my eyes. Why was I so passive with this?
I haven't told me wife any of this yet cause I'm actually embarrassed. Am I loosing control? I really feel like I've been practicing control until after I read a post couple days ago by someone asking can you loose control after wearing diapers for a while. I've always treated my diaper as though I had to walk to a bathroom and not just going for convenience. Maybe I haven't been paying attention as much as thought I was and really using it for the convenience. It wasn't until I read that post did I start paying attention to the sudden urges and not know until the middle of peeing. I guess looking back I can see how this happened. I'll be sitting in my office and I feel the urge to go and do it because it was convenient even though I was in the mind set oh, I have to use the bathroom, okay, I can go. After going, I donít think I pay attention because no need to. I go and Iím on my way. Maybe a few times that I'd pee and remember stopping and not initiating it.
I want to stop eventually wearing diapers cause there are other things I'd like to do with $125 a month. This was just a ĒthingĒ. My wife is excited about it as well as I am but turned into more than that with my anxiety. Iím having issues where when I stop wearing diapers I get anxiety Couple days ago I took shower and put on my underwear that was buried in my closet and I had problems breathing and this bubble in my throat. Plus I felt pressure in my head. So, I put my diaper on, my onsie, and my footed pajamas and Xanax and felt fine ever since. Now I'm afraid to stop wearing. #1 Iím going to have an accident and #2 Iíll be drugged up on Xanax.
How can I practice control again? I feel that my mind is being trained to be dependent on diapers with anxiety and all. Also feel that I am regressing because, I was never into thumb sucking now I feel like I get the best sleep ever. Donít get me wrong, with this all happening, I enjoy it. I get excited. It feels great. Iíve always fascinated about this day and remember thinking how Iíd never reach this moment. Now, that my wife knows and supports it, why should I care and let this take its course. I donít find diaper an inconvenience at this point.