OK. I have been thinking allot about my life stile choice. And what it is to me, to be "Little" as we call it.
As most of you know I made a choice to be who I am on the inside as much as posable. I really don't get the adult world where people live to work and try to look better than everybody else. Causing themselves to be stressed out.
Why? When playing with the people around you and having fun is a lot less stress full.
Not trying to reach the top, but being happy with where I am.
I get on with people better this way. Because I Work and play to my fullist potential. This is not to say that If promotion does presents itself that I wouldn't go for it. But I feel that I am living my life to the fullist I can at the moment.
Giving me a feeling of contentment most of the time.
Perhaps I should talk about how I got to where I am and why I think I have chosen this life style.
Growing up and school was not the happiest. I found that I couldn't learn as the other children in my class.
This was from the first year. At the end of that year l was still on the first work card.
I went through school trying to keep up but didn't.
This including being able to get to the toilet. I often went home wet. And having to change my bedding.
I can remember my muther getting really cross with me if I was messy or wet.
It was not to I was 13 that I was told that I have dyslexia and i was sent to a school with other kids like me. A freand told me how he keep clean down there which worked. I now know that what we wear doing was making a kind of nappy. But knowing that if I did mess I could deal with it. Help me gain so much more confidence.
It was not until I left school that my muther came across ADHD.
Anyway my muther was my champion and would not let me say that I was unable to do things.
It over 10 years now that she pass way and my father died when I was 11.
It was about then when I started to lose it mentally.
I became a christian when I was in my 20 as this gave me a sense of acceptance which it still does also it helped me give myself.
And as helped now.
So how did I start back in nappys.
I had managed to get continent through ussing the toilet wen I realised I wanted to go. But I would need to get to a toilet quickly.
This was OK until I found my self in a situation where I was not able to get to the toilet.
I was able to acquire some adult size nappies which I used in situation where I was not going to be able to get to the toilet when I needed to. And this has worked for me.
Now I wear at night as well. This is to help me sleep at night. If i have to get up in the night my ADHD starts and I don't get enough sleep.
I seem to have 3 changes a day. One in the morning, at lunch time and one in the evening as part of my bed time routine.
I wouldn't say that I was a DL they where just a means to an end and still are. Although I really do like the feeling of a dry nappy after I have changed form a wet one.
So how did I start being a AB Little.
I think it was through wearing that I started to try thing out. Nothing to big by this time I was loving on my own. So getting Rex my cuddly dog to have a bed with me was easy. Now I don't sleep with out him. Don't know why it just nice to have him.
Getting a pacifier I really struggled with this one. But as soon as i put it in my mouth the kind of magic happened. And i was hooked I think for me sucking helps me focus on doing thing like typing this and checking the spelling.
Leads me on to something that I had to do, to make friends with my self. Sounds very hippy like I know.
There is a big me called Simon that for a long time was mean to the little me called Sisi.
Becouse Simon was trying to be a adult. He wouldn't let Sisi. Come out to play. Sisi hat to sit in the corner and be quiet. Because children are seen and not heard.
But the more little sisi was unhappy becouse he was not allowed to play the more Simon got stressed, and depressed. And this continued until Big Simon could not carry on any more. And little Sisi, was so bored with sitting in the corner he got up to mischief.
It toke some time to get a balance and to become friends with my self. And this is something that I would like to share with you.
As a adult we like thing to be organised. For example to get to point "y" then we have to start at point "x" then in to point "z".
But Sisi will see no point, at all.
Because X stands for X men and where does Point "N" come in is it at the start.
Sisi live in the now, right now, this minute, if not sooner. Maybe.
So something that is organised has become chaotic. Simon had to learn when to deaild with his fear of the unknow so Sisi can make sense of it in his way.
Dealing with the Fear.
With choosing to make any change there is a fear. Simon could see the possible consequences of his choice. Sisi can not. There has to be an open discussion with your self. About what could happen. But allowing Sisi to find out. Most of the time it OK. People are more interested in what they are doing, than to pay attention to someone else. And this helped Simon not to be such a wuss.
While I was dealing with all this I had a therapist' who told me about my inner child.
And introduce Simon to Sisi. Sisi was ready to forgive Simon and Simon was ready to hold Sisi and hug him.
It was this therapist that said about me having a kind of Peter Pan syndrome. Still seeing the world with innocents and not understanding it.
Also helped understand about my sexuality.
As i found it hard to have any sexual relationships. I had friends and some good friends. But as soon as it started to become all kissy, kissy I was out of there. Now I know that I am asexual. This is one thing I longer have to worry about.
So that how I became to be a little 48 year old boy who is also like 5. Sisi and Simon are kind of one person now as it can be hear to tell where one start and the other ends, a bit like the colours of a rainbow, I think that's why I like painting them.
Anyway this is just me. It felt right to shair them to the community. As it may be help full to some one. As breaking away from the norm, discovering who you are inside.
I know I can be a lonely journey.
I have done my best with checking the spelling, hope that it does make sense.