If you do any kind of research on potty training, again and again you'll see the overused phrase "signs of readiness"
I could not think of a better statement to form the thesis of my feelings.
It's a feeling that I know so well and yet still can't fully comprehend. A feeling that has existed inside of me for as long as I conscious awareness, perhaps my earliest memory as a 2-3 year old. It's a feeling that reaches down to the root of who I am and defines so many other feelings. For years I let it define my short comings and weaknesses, but as I matured, I learned to use it to define my strength and perseverance, and most importantly, my ability to focus on what I want.
It was a feeling once associated with so much guilt, comparing myself to that of criminals who would hurt others. Only through maturity and exposure to life have I realized how far from the truth that is. Only through time, relationships (both friendships and romantic) and the aligning of my own thoughts have I come to develop an acceptance and even a pride for this feeling.
And yet it is still one that cannot be quenched. Ironically, not like the copious amounts of Capri Sun and Pedialyte that quench the palate and ready the bladder for this all important ritual. The coming of age rite of passage that I can only reach again in my deepest of sleep. Something so strong that for ten years I have attempted to perfect lucid dreaming so as to build my own world where I could truly be there again.
To be a toddler.
To show those signs of readiness.
To be potty trained. How I long to be potty trained once again.
At a time in my life where I can be real about these feelings with everyone around me, it's no dark secret anymore. I could have never imagined how accepting everyone would be of it, and for that I am very thankful. Yet to this day, it is still a powerful feeling, and I know it will always be one. I'm very happy that it no longer causes the negative feelings it once did.
Yet the thirst still exists. One that I can handle in healthy and safe and supported ways by friends and loved ones, but I do long for the day of fully realized lucid dreaming, virtual reality, or perhaps some form of existence beyond what we could imagine right now.
But when that long awaited day arrives, I will be put in Pull Ups and I will be potty trained again.
And then, and I only then, will I truly embrace the feeling of being a big kid as I always dreamed.