I've given considerable thought lately to my identity, and the way I present myself to the world. Now while I wouldn't describe myself as a fake, my life has been a careful construct of personas, each designed to meet the expectations of others and to carefully conceal my most precious secret...me.
I've always described myself as a chameleon quite adept at fitting in (thank goodness for powers of observation). Now I realise that most people develop masks to protect their vulnerabilities, but I'm seeing now that mine have been more akin to very clever role playing. In other words, I can't really identify a single adolescent or adult persona that I've had, that is authentically me. The only persona which has ever felt completely honest and free is little me. Even now, as I type this, I feel like I am being someone else. I can't really give examples except to say that every adult interaction I have, even with those closest to me, is a put on.
I guess I've always known really, however the penny dropped for me while listening to some music today. As I listened I began to identify with the genre and my personality shifted quite noticeably...I was beginning to role play in much the same way that little kids do, when they assume various adult characteristics. I tend to do the same when I watch movies and certainly when I move between social groups. The only genuinely consistent but all so private persona is little me.
Even though engaging my little self involves a degree of role play, it is more a way of distracting myself from the adult physicality...that I can't control, but my deepest and most honest feelings have always been little...total freedom comes when I suspend any need to 'be' anything in particular, and just be....me. Guess where that is hahaha...whenever I relax, my demeanour always defaults to 'little'
It's kind of confusing, because I'm not saying that I'm a baby trapped in an adults body...it's obviously way more complicated than that, and I don't even set out for the day with the thought that I'm now pretending to be big. Everything I do, is done with integrity, it's just that it's not really me, rather me being the person I'm expected to be....all the time with my little self wanting to escape and be free. Often I do visualise myself doing precisely what I feel like....amusing day dreams. If my teachers had only really known where my mind was when they described me as a day dreamer. Lmao.
Apologies for the long post, but I'm just interested whether this is a common experience for you, or whether your little time is more just a kind of amusement/comfort thing.