To get ahead in life, one has to be determined, focused, driven or a combination of the three. Correct? Well, I have problems in these areas and I feel that its hindering my success. I have a hard time seeing things through to the end without either rushing it along and settling for second best or getting very discouraged and giving up only to become very angry with myself for doing so later because its now too late to do anything about it.
I have two main goals right now that I'm struggling with because of these problems.
My main goal is to get my band on the festival circuit. Though we are all thoroughly experienced players and performers and we've gotten our record played on the radio both locally and in Spain, when it comes to actually getting a chance to play at even a small/medium sized festival, nobody will even click the link and listen for even 30 seconds. It seems like you have to already be somebody to be somebody if you know what I mean. It's really unfair that the quality of the music doesn't matter to them. They don't even listen.
Since this band really doesn't make much of any money, I have been supporting myself by hiring myself out to local cover bands as a guitarist and vocalist. It's repetitious, degrading and not very rewarding work but it's better than digging ditches and I do this 3-5 nights a week and spend the day trying to get someone to listen to my music and give us a chance.
When I spend hours sending out bios, promo, links and filling out forms to get into these events and get routinely shut down before I'm even given a chance, it really gets me down and this leads me to my second goal..
Getting healthier mentally and physically.
I'll admit it, I struggle with anger, depression anxiety and my weight. Being visually impaired, I've never been a very physically active person so sports and exercise have never been my thing at all. I've been trying to lose about 25 pounds but it's very hard for me because I'm not very coordinated and am trying to learn to excersise my but need help learning. While my dad is trying to help me and is very patient, he has to walk me through the motions over and over and I get very self conscious and feel stupid and just like before, get discouraged.
When I get discouraged, I tend to veer off course and start behaving self destructively. I start binge eating again, smoke too much weed, start drinking irresponsibly and stay in bed for 10-12 hours at a time. This in turn causes me to feel ashamed of myself which makes me sad and that makes me angry. This aggression is then taken out on people and that's just plain wrong. I hate that part because even though most people I deal with probably don't know it, that's not how I really am. I'm really a very shy, sweet and loving person who wants nothing more than for everyone to be happy. But whenever I feel discouraged, threatened, inferior or that I'm not being taken seriously I get hut and that can cause me get violently angry and it scares me. I don't want to do something I'll regret.
Most of my anger is expressed through saying things that I later wish I could take back. Like I said, I'm disabled so I haven't been in too many physical altercations, but the ones that I have been in, I initiated. The worst part is, I don't remember them. I only know from what people say and the bruises and soreness the next day. This has happened twice.
I wish I knew how to keep my head on stay deterred to drop the pounds, stop feeling sorry for myself and go out there and show the world that I can be somebody. I don't know how to use my willpower.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm sorry this post is so long. I just don't know how to get my life in order.