Was my ABDL side linked to my mild depression?

Ok so, I haven't told anybody much about this, but almost a year ago, I had feelings for my best friend at the time. I had liked her for quite a while (I honestly forget why) but was too scared to tell her how I felt, and the emotions in me festered and ached. I eventually did ask her to be my girlfriend though, and she agreed to go out with me. In that moment, I felt soooooo happy about finally having my first girlfriend. What I didn't realize until after she broke up with me, a month and a half later, was that...

...almost the entire time I was with her...I was going through a mini-psychological Hell.

I just wasn't happy when I was with her, and tried to convince myself that I was. After the breakup though, I saw her significantly less. I became livelier in the months following, and just felt much more alive. I realized I had been going through some sort of mild depression, and just didn't notice until after I felt happy again. I just wanted to be happy with that relationship so bad, but I never really felt like she loved me (cause she didn't) and as a result, I didn't feel much of anything. I wasn't happy, I didn't laugh very much, I felt tired of all my friends, I never felt like doing anything, and I occasionally would cry while having no idea why.

Recently, I remembered something else about that time in my life. You see...this friend of mine, she and I had very little in common. We were night and day, and I was afraid of her finding out about my being ABDL. I tried indulging in my AB life, but when I was dating her, I just felt wrong about it, like, I was being secretive or doing something that would disgust and offend her. I couldn't enjoy it anymore...and I didn't get any love or relaxation from being with her either, so...is it possible that my innability to be myself was the root, or at least part of my depression? I wondered, has anyone else has had this happen before?

I am ok now, by the way. Since breaking up with her, I met another girl who is a lot like me, and she not only loves me for who I am, but I feel the same way about her and trusted her enough to tell her that I'm ABDL, and she now makes me happier than anything or anyone else in the world. She even has an account on here now, going by "BabyNeko".

PS, in case she sees this, I LOVE YOU, BABY! \^-^/ <3 <3 <3

What? Lucky, just happen to find yourself an AB. There has to be more to the story on how you met, random chance is just so small. Congrats either way.

So yeah, I have to remind myself that dating culture in high school is just entirely different than it is in the regular world.

First, you have to remember that some of your depression likely came from just being a teenager, hormones are still a mess, and there are a hundred things you are trying to deal with and contemplate about your life.

Second, most people would ask a girl out on a date or 2 or 3, before asking about the exclusivity of girlfriend boyfriend relationships (but that is why I need to remember that high school is different, because in high school it is the other way around). The reason people go out on a few dates first before asking for commitment is so they can actually get to know a little more about the person aside from what their face looks like. If you end up in a commitment with somebody who you discover you are very different from, you are likely going to experience stress, or fear, from not being sure how to properly escape a relationship that you don't like. Breaking up a relationship is emotionally stressful, so you can imagine that spending a whole month contemplating breaking up a relationship is also emotionally stressful.

Third, yeah hiding your AB side is going to give you some stress in your life too, however I know of a lot of AB's that do it, and even walk into a marriage with it still hidden (I personally don't condone such actions). I would say that hiding your AB side from your special other has a varying level of stress toward each individual. I suspect it is contingent on how much the AB feels like his little side is a part of him/herself. I think all of them have stress from being caught in the act, but humanity seems to deal with that pretty well without going through too much depression, because humanity tends to have a good few secrets and finds ways to maintain them, but it is stress, and could contribute to your depression. The other element though, is the stress from the idea that your special other doesn't actually know the full you, and being caught for that is actually more stressful, because the idea that, maybe they wouldn't love the full true you. Living in fear that your loved one might give you up because they don't actually completely know you, is a very stressful thing. The other element, is the stress that comes from wishing you could be more open about your little side, and knowing that you can't be, wishing you could do more with your life. That element probably isn't as big of a deal though, because there are AB's that have told their partners, and got the OK, but the partner doesn't want to see any of it. They tend to have a good relationship regardless, so I would say that level of stress isn't as influential either.

So yes, could your AB side with regard to your relationship have pushed you into depression? Yeah, but I would doubt that it is the number one element of your depression to blame. I would suspect that the rushed relationship, and the teenage hormones was more likely to have put you into it, but being AB certainly has some influence.

Also, a final note, a month and a half is too soon to determine if somebody actually loves another person, love takes a bit of time to develop. However, a month and a half is not too soon to determine if it isn't going to work out, I mean, people can tell when it just isn't the right chemistry, or they have nothing in common. Even the first date can be soon enough to know you just don't fit, but sometimes that can be a little early as well, you never know if the person was just nervous or had a really bad day.

I guess I should have mentioned that she and I already knew each other very very well, and had been close friends for months before this stuff happened, and even though I wasn't as mature then as I am now, the feelings were real. And yeah, the whole teenager thing probably had something to do with it. I was basically in denial the whole time.

And there is a bit more to the story of my current girlfriend and I, but I made a post about that already, lol. If you go to my account you should be able to find it.

Tyger makes a good point. You've told me how depressed and unhappy you were when you were with her. I believe that because she didn't know the whole you, your AB side, that you just became even more stressed out. You felt like you weren't yourself and you shouldn't have to feel that way. You should be able to feel comfortable with being yourself. Remember when we talked non stop for about a month or so as friends before we actually admitted our feelings to each other? We got to know each other on a personal level and we talked about all our intrests and found out that we share those same interests.

When you told me that you were an AB/DL, that didn't bother me at all because that wasn't going to change the way I feel about you. I was actually curious and I wanted to know more about who you are as an AB/DL. I just felt compelled to know everything about you and I wanted you to feel comfortable with telling me anything and with just being who you are. To this day I haven't told anyone about your AB side because I promised you that I wouldn't, and I understand how you feel about it. I'm glad that we can have conversations about anything, including AB/DL stuff. As long as you're happy now, that's what matters.

PS, I love you too, baby! <3 <3 <3

Awww, you guys are cute.

Tyger said:

Awww, you guys are cute.

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lol, thanks ^-^