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Thread: Confused and Don't know where to go

  1. #1

    Default Confused and Don't know where to go

    Lately I have been confused about life.. I will start from the beginning..

    When I was 3/4 just old enough to think for myself and such. I thought I was a girl. My parents treated me like such for a short time. When I got to pre-school age that stopped. The thought left my head for the next couple years.
    When I was 5-6 I started wanting to paint my nails and wear girly cloths and that was stopped very quickly. My parents physically and mentally beat it out of me.
    Nothing came of it until puberty think 16 or so (I was a late bloomer, I know). When I really started to hate myself. I lived live and did my thing not much I could do.

    Fast forward to today I am fairly fresh out of college, just got a job. I feel like I was meant to be a girl. It is really starting to bug me, I am not the type to be easily depressed but I'd call my current state just that. I've been viewing the MtF transition reedit for 12 hours straight.. I really want to do it...

    The problem I am running into is A. my catholic bigoted parents, I live near and see my Grandpa on the daily. Now he is a VERY accepting man, but he is 80. So I can't imagine he'd accept it. I don't feel right with who I am and it is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress. Though if I did anything to change who I am.. would it just make my life worse? I need advice.. I am lost.

  2. #2
    MarchinBunny

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    I was in a very similar situation as you. When I was younger I felt the same and eventually I sort of just blocked it out. Eventually it almost felt like I no longer knew who I was. I felt lost, depressed and I could never put my finger on why. It wasn't until my teens that I started to come back to realizing how I felt after letting some guy online believe I was a girl because I liked him. Eventually I told the truth, lying is never any good. But, of course I was still confused at the time. I didn't understand why I would feel like I should be a girl. So I never really spoke about it.

    It wasn't until I heard my sister talking about sex changes on some show that really peaked my interest. So I looked into it, and that was the first time I came across the term transgender. It clicked instantly and made sense. At that point all the things in the past, I started remembering how I felt and the things I did. It felt like a great weight got lifted from my shoulders when I realized this and it felt like I finally understood my self and knew who I was.

    Of course, things didn't go to well with my family when I told them. Most of them are Christian and where pretty unaccepting of it. Many of them thought it was just a phase while admitting that .. it's true I was extremely feminine. XD My Dad was likely the only one who just accepted it .. instantly. To him it made perfect sense.

    My advice to you is to go see a therapist. They will help you work out what you need to do, and how you should explain it to your family. It's something all transgender individuals need to eventually do. I was to quick. I just told them as soon as I found out, which wasn't the correct thing to do. It's best to have as much research into the matter as possible.

    The other things you need to be prepared for, which is something a therapist can help you with, is they may not be accepting. Your family may in fact not want to see you, or speak to you in the worst case scenario. For me, my family gradually started to accept it over time as they realized it wasn't just some phase. They began working around their religions to accept it. Not everyone is willing to do that though. I even have one relative who tried to kill me by chocking me to death after we had an argument about it, not kidding. XD

    One thing is for certain though, most transgender, typically need help. So trying to ignore it and do nothing about it ... is likely the worst thing you can do. I tried that once ... and I fell into a very dark depression where I would sit outside a park starring at a water tower, thinking over and over again on if I should jump. Everyday for 3 - 4 hours ... I would do that. I did that for nearly 5 - 6 months. Granted, my depression also had a lot to do with all the other things I was going through at the time too. Such as even with being an AB/DL .. though at the time I didn't know I was an AB/DL. XD I was dealing with the possibility of being thrown out ... and just things where not going well as they usually never do for me.

    I have bad luck, I think it's extremely unlikely, things could possibly be any worse than my situation. So my experiences are not very good for judging how things will go as mine is simply the worst case scenario besides suicide of course.

    As I said, a therapist. It's the first step you will have to take, and likely the most important.

    Edit: Also, I wouldn't attempt to make changes prior to seeing a therapist. They typically help you through that as well.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post
    -snippy-
    I plan on telling my psychologist. I am scared to tell him. I trust him whole wholeheartedly.. but I am still very scared.

  4. #4
    MarchinBunny

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    Quote Originally Posted by SergeantPepper View Post
    I plan on telling my psychologist. I am scared to tell him. I trust him whole wholeheartedly.. but I am still very scared.
    Do you know if your therapist has experience with transgender?

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post
    Do you know if your therapist has experience with transgender?
    No clue at all. If I am not mistaken his focus is families and adolescents, so I imagine he has dealt with it before.

  6. #6
    MarchinBunny

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    Quote Originally Posted by SergeantPepper View Post
    No clue at all. If I am not mistaken his focus is families and adolescents, so I imagine he has dealt with it before.
    Possibly, though if he doesn't have much experience, I would recommend going to another therapist who does. Tends to make a big a difference.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post
    Possibly, though if he doesn't have much experience, I would recommend going to another therapist who does. Tends to make a big a difference.
    I'll talk to him about it, I see him in a few days. I'll ask him if he has an experience with it. I know if he doesn't he can recommend one. He is a good guy.

  8. #8

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    I know I won't bring it up with my psychologist in person. I will get scared and sit there for an hour looking at him as I have for years. Is it worth shooting him a text telling him to bring it up? We talk via text once in a while. What are your thoughts on doing it that way?

  9. #9
    MarchinBunny

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    Quote Originally Posted by SergeantPepper View Post
    I know I won't bring it up with my psychologist in person. I will get scared and sit there for an hour looking at him as I have for years. Is it worth shooting him a text telling him to bring it up? We talk via text once in a while. What are your thoughts on doing it that way?
    If you can do it through text, I don't see why not. I say go for it. It's better than not bringing it up, I say. I mean look, he is your therapist, if you can't tell him .. what else is he there for? Trust me, I know how scary it can be to talk about these things, especially for the first time with someone. But after it's said and done, it's really not all that bad. At the end of the day, all it should do is help. O.O If it did anything else I would start questioning if you had a good therapist lol. XD

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by brabbit1987 View Post
    If you can do it through text, I don't see why not. I say go for it. It's better than not bringing it up, I say. I mean look, he is your therapist, if you can't tell him .. what else is he there for? Trust me, I know how scary it can be to talk about these things, especially for the first time with someone. But after it's said and done, it's really not all that bad. At the end of the day, all it should do is help. O.O If it did anything else I would start questioning if you had a good therapist lol. XD
    Sent him a text. I am shaking, I am crying and feel like I need to throw-up..

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