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Thread: Practical questions (re: diapers, female pleasure, and non-abdl partners)

  1. #1

    Default Practical questions (re: diapers, female pleasure, and non-abdl partners)

    Hey,

    I haven't posted on an abdl forum in probably 8-10 years. I used to be a regular at the abdl story forum. Some of you may recognize my handle. If so, hi.

    The reason for the hiatus is that I've found that excessive thinking about diapers is a problem in my life. Too much dwelling on it leads me either to look for abdl porn or create abdl porn in my head. I don't believe either is healthy (I have pretty conservative views on sexuality--I think sex was created for marriage, and fantasies or porn just create unrealistic expectations for marriage--but this thread is not really about that, so I don't mean to start a fight).

    At any rate, a few months ago, I got married to a non-abdl. She understands that I have a diaper fetish (DL all the way), but she definitely is not interested. She hasn't drawn any lines in the sand ("I will never do. . . " or "you can never do. . . "), but she also thinks is weird (no shock there), and she has no real attraction to it.

    I love my wife a lot, and I want to share my entire sexuality with her. As diapers are a purely sexual thing for me, I'm not going to engage in any diaper play (and try to avoid diaper fantasies) without her. But she's also not into it.

    I've done some internet searching on how to live with a diaper fetish and a non-abdl spouse, but I find that the posts tend to be focused on how to get the non-abdl spouse to not freak out about the diaper play that the abdl spouse is going to engage in anyways, whether the non-abdl spouse likes it or not. Bonus points for somewhat getting her (it's usually a her) to participate.

    But I don't like that way of thinking. It seems to be extremely selfish. I don't want my sexuality to be all about fulfilling my needs. I want it to be about connecting to my wife and fulfilling her needs. So for me, diaper play is either something we do together or I don't do at all. Anything solo is going to be self-focused. And if we do it together, it has to be in a way that is somewhat fulfilling to her, not just something I've guilted her into. Again, the latter is just going to be selfish. If we can't do diaper play in a way that's fulfilling for her, I don't want to do it at all (which will require a lot of self-control and self-denial--I think keeping our marriage bed other-focused is worth the self-denial if it has to be that way, but it's obviously not my preference).

    tl;dr: I married a non-abdl woman, she's great but has no interest in diapers.

    With that in mind, I want to know if anybody has advice about how to get a non-abdl interested in diaper play. Like I said, the abdl equivalent of "close your eyes and think of England" isn't an option here. It's either something we enjoy together or we don't do. Now I don't expect her to become a full-blown DL like I am, but that doesn't necessarily preclude finding something diaper-related that is mutually enjoyable as a change of pace.

    So I guess the main questions are these:

    (1) Has anyone managed to engage in diaper play with a non-abdl partner that both parties actually enjoyed? If so, are there any ideas you'd be willing to share?

    (2) I know most DLs are guys. To any of the ladies out there, would you be willing to share anything diaper-related that is a particular turn-on (especially physical pleasures)? Obviously, my wife is a unique woman, and what works for you won't necessarily work for her. But I have no first-person knowledge of female sexuality at all, so I'm going to get a more educated opinion from somewhat who (to put it bluntly) has a vagina than I am from my own imagination.

    (a little background information: I can really go either way as far as being the diaperer or diaperee, but my wife dated one too many immature guys to be anything but turned off by the idea of me wearing. So any exploration we even think of doing would likely involve her wearing. I'd also love to do a kind of fetish trade, where I engage her weird fantasy one day and she engages my weird fantasy another. But she doesn't have any weird fantasies, so no luck there.)

    And I hope this goes without saying, but there will be discussion before anything gets tried (if anything gets tried). I'm not going to spring something on her out of the blue. Just wanted to get any insight from people who have personal experience.

    Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

  2. #2

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    Take any advice I give with a pinch of salt, being only 18 and having the same (but ultimately less serious i guess) issue with my girlfriend.

    Have you tried the dip your toe in method? I seem to have made some headway recently with getting her to warm up to the idea of a pacifier, and I think its trying to get someone comfortable and ultimately enjoying a small step before thinking of moving on. I think the reason most people see this as an impossible task (and dont get me wrong I see that too) is that they see where they are and the end goal but don't know everything inbetween. At least with me and my SO with everything the best solution is baby steps and getting used to stuff.

    Hoped that helped! (Oh and I'm stealing the advice anyone gives you to try and apply it to my situation as well, hehehe)

    Hugs x

  3. #3

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    Absolutely, baby steps will be a must. Of course, it's trickier to do baby steps when you're just DL and not AB. Pacifiers don't do much for me, personally. Just trying to get a handle on what steps would be likeliest to catch on, and what they might be progressing towards, since my set goal is not "get my wife to do X," it's "find something in this broad swath of stuff that my wife could possibly enjoy." Especially something that could focus on her. I know this is my thing, but (trying to say this without getting to explicit) just because of biology, I think it can be easy to do something that satisfies the guy and leaves the girl hanging. I would really like to not do that (which doesn't necessarily mean it has to be mind-blowing for her, but at least makes her feel loved).

  4. #4

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    Eep sorry I did read your whole post but then missed the important dl bit haha, RTFQ moon moon.

    I think you can take the same idea though, maybe try and create a list or a mindmap of stuff you'd like to do. And then try and find the tamest and just talk to her about it. But I think exhausting fantasies and stuff would be good to even find just a detail from one to implement.

    Or even talking to her and getting her to have an idea, which personally i think would be harder, so maybe try with a very tame idea. And then let her have an idea and as it's come from her she should be more comfortable.

  5. #5

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    As with moon, I don't have a vast amount of personal experience in this particular area so a pinch of salt may go a long way.

    If you'll allow me to summarize your post, it sounds like what your asking about is mainly a question of acceptance. Mainly acceptance on your wife's side, but also perhaps on yours. I would recommend at least being open and honest with her. Let her know that this is a part of you and tell her about your needs, and have a discussion about if this is something she is willing to participate in. I fully understand and respect your desire to not make this about you, and agree that that is a good goal to have, but don't draw a line in the sand and say "I will not ___." Past responses and anecdotes that I have seen indicate that completely pushing away a part of you long term can be very hard emotionally.

    As an addendum to drawing lines in the sand, don't be afraid to walk away. And by that I don't mean anything as drastic as "If you don't accept this part of me then ..." But accepting or allowing that this might not be something she's ever interested in and making peace with it on your own terms and having a place in your life for being a DL may also be a way to go, although I cannot say how that fits in with the rest of views on the subject.

    Best of luck to you. Hopefully things go well.

  6. #6

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    I'm by no means an expert here but I think you're missing the boat by being so black and white in your thinking. We do all kinds of things for the ones we love that we are excited about to varying degrees. I think you should definitely be mindful of her and your enjoyment in intimacy but you can do something that you wouldn't do yourself because it makes someone happy and that brings pleasure in itself. I think the desire to have all pleasures mutual is laudable but not necessarily practical. We enjoy things differently and to different degrees. Find what she's okay with and if she's happy to do it, let her make you happy as you will for her.

  7. #7

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    Its great that she knows and tolerates your quirk/hobby/passtime. I don't know that you should hold out a lot of hope, or press for her to participate. This is a pretty weird thing to like. I'm assuming that you mostly engage when she's not around. I wouldn't go any farther than dropping a hint that you're going to be wearing while she's gone. If she has any interest in participating, that gives her an opening to say something.



    Quote Originally Posted by iceblumist View Post
    But I don't like that way of thinking. It seems to be extremely selfish. I don't want my sexuality to be all about fulfilling my needs. I want it to be about connecting to my wife and fulfilling her needs. So for me, diaper play is either something we do together or I don't do at all. Anything solo is going to be self-focused. And if we do it together, it has to be in a way that is somewhat fulfilling to her, not just something I've guilted her into. Again, the latter is just going to be selfish. If we can't do diaper play in a way that's fulfilling for her, I don't want to do it at all (which will require a lot of self-control and self-denial--I think keeping our marriage bed other-focused is worth the self-denial if it has to be that way, but it's obviously not my preference).
    I'm sure there are plenty of things you enjoy doing together, and some (other than diapers) that one of you likes and the other can't stand. That's just how it is. Isn't it universal for women to complain about men watching football on Sunday? And men to complain about women spending hours on the phone gossiping?

    Mrs. Maxx likes gardening. I'm more than happy to leave the yard and garden to her. I'm an Ironman. She's come to a few races, but for the most part she considers running around in circles and jumping to conclusions a valid and sufficient form of exercise.

    Inevitably, as any married man will tell you, there are times when you've got to handle business yourself, if for no other reason than she's on the physically unable to perform list from time to time. Then there's menopause..... Admirable to want to share EVERYTHING, but I don't know of anyone that's managed it.

    Confession: I've been married for 35 years, she doesn't know about the diapers. I'm 100% sure she wouldn't get it, and 97.3% sure that she would react badly. I have no desire to diaper or be diapered by her, so as long as our schedules and activities leave me enough privacy to indulge now and then, I'm fine with leaving things as they are.

    Note that we met and married long before the internet existed, so even if I'd wanted to be upfront about liking diapers, I'd have had no idea what to call it, or that it could be incorporated into our sex life. At the time, I figured it was something unique to me and that I'd lose interest and move on to other things anyway. Who knew? If we both live long enough to retire, or our circumstances force us into tighter living arrangements, I might have to either bring it up or give up the diapers. I'll jump from that bridge when and if we come to it.

    P.S. I do remember now... from the other forum. I think you spelled your alias a bit differently, perhaps that threw me off. Might we be looking for contributions to the story section?
    Last edited by Maxx; 05-Jan-2016 at 00:11.

  8. #8

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    Probably no story contributions. Like I said, I don't want to engage in fantasizing, because it builds up desires/expectations that aren't going to be fulfilled in the real world.

    Thanks, everybody, for the thoughts so far! I guess I've been unclear about a few things, so let me try to clear them up:

    (1) I definitely don't have an expectation that my wife will engage in this with me. If it doesn't happen (or if we try it and she doesn't like it), then it doesn't happen. But I would like to at least see if there are any possibilities, and that's kinda what I'm trying to get advice for here. Which possibilities are the most likely to go over well with a non-abdl woman.

    (2) I don't like the idea of walking away from DL play entirely if she doesn't like it, but I don't think self-denial is going to cause serious emotional problems. I'm not planning on pretending diapers are not a turn-on. But I will stay off the diaper sites and away from diapers in person if I have to. And I really don't see how this is much different than abstaining from sex before I got married. Might not be fun, but it will sure be a test of self-discipline, and developing more self-discipline is probably a good thing anyways. And I do see it a bit different than, for instance, her not liking hockey (which I love). Because hockey is not, in my mind, irrevocably tied to the class of acts that I see as there for the purpose of bringing a couple together. And diapers are (again, I must emphasize "for me." If it's not sexual for you, diaper play without the significant other makes sense. If it is sexual, then she's gotta be looped in).

    (3) When I say that she needs to enjoy it, I don't necessarily mean that she needs to develop a diaper fetish. There are things we do right now that give her no physical pleasure that she enjoys because I enjoy it. And vice versa. If diapers were to get to that point, where it didn't float her boat but she enjoyed play on occasion because it made me happy, that would be a win. I just don't want it to be a drudge for her. And if it is something that she enjoys only for my sake, I want to be careful to make sure we're doing lots of other things that she's enjoying more directly (for instance, you always hear stories about how a warm, wet diaper against the genitals is just especially stimulating physically. I know this is true for me, but I have no idea if it's true for the ladies or just a myth created by guys like me). If I can find diaper stuff that meets that criterion, great, if not, that's okay. But again, worth looking.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by iceblumist View Post
    Because hockey is not, in my mind, irrevocably tied to the class of acts that I see as there for the purpose of bringing a couple together. And diapers are (again, I must emphasize "for me." If it's not sexual for you, diaper play without the significant other makes sense. If it is sexual, then she's gotta be looped in).
    1. Beg to disagree. Mrs Maxx went through some gyrations to get Junior (and especially Mrs. Junior) to invite us over for Sunday's Blackhawks game (we don't have cable). She doesn't give a rat's behind about hockey. Her objective was playtime with the 2 year old granddaughter. I suppose a tiny bit of making me happy was in there somewhere, along with making Junior happy since he probably wouldn't have been able to watch the game either if I wasn't there.

    2. Admittedly, diapers are considerably less sexual for me than they used to be, but then I was never under the impression that I needed to, or she would want me to, share every bizarre fantasy that flits through my head. I suppose every couple is different, and the two of us are a bit more self-contained than you and Mrs. Mist.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    1. Beg to disagree. Mrs Maxx went through some gyrations to get Junior (and especially Mrs. Junior) to invite us over for Sunday's Blackhawks game (we don't have cable). She doesn't give a rat's behind about hockey. Her objective was playtime with the 2 year old granddaughter. I suppose a tiny bit of making me happy was in there somewhere, along with making Junior happy since he probably wouldn't have been able to watch the game either if I wasn't there.
    Key word "irrevocably." I had Carolina season tickets for four years, and my wife has been to three games with me just for the sake of being with me. But I can also go by myself and have a grand old time (well, as grand as can be given the state of Hurricanes hockey). If she does it, it's to be close to me, but I can do it when she's not there and get other benefits. It's different with diaper play/fantasies. I'm not getting anything out of them that isn't sexual. So if she's not jumping onboard, my choices are to avoid diaper play/fantasies or to do something sexual without my wife involved. And that's not an option for us. There are areas in our lives where we're fine splitting up and doing different things, but we want our sexual activity to be shared (and if one or the other is on the PUP list, then we either modify sexual play such that it's doable or have a period of abstinence--we abstained for our entire relationship before we got married, so it's not like it isn't doable). I know that's not the case for many others, but it is for us, so that's what I'm working with.

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