Next year I'm going to start seeing my psychologist again.
I've had a increase of flashbacks, just random events of bullying, just like I'm reliving the moment, I remember seeing my hand get finger sliced open and seeing blood pouring out, and running for help, It comes back to me like it was just yesterday and causes me some distress and makes me slightly uncomfortable, worst part is, its that all my bullying comes back in one way or another its like a part of me unintentionally tries to repress itself.
Right now I feel like crying, but this is unusual because I don't often feel emotion this intense, I do feel emotion, but I'm too deep in thought to care about it.
It's like reliving the moment of it happening, its so clear like It just occurred to me, why does this keep coming back to me.
I often don't feel emotion, but at times I'm full of emotion, is my body trying to repress my emotions unintentionally?
It's never been a issue for me until the last year or so, maybe my brain has just processed the trauma, at the time no one cared, no one bothered to make sure I was fine, I felt like passing out, at the time I felt nothing, I remember having to have my finger bandaged, it was a awful experience, but felt nothing none the less, but when I have the flashback, I feel intense emotion, that I didn't have at the time, It's weird I don't know why I feel like crying about this.
A lot of my bullying involved blood, lots of pain from people kicking, tripping me over, people who were my friends running away from me, threatening to hurt me, telling me to stick up for myself, yet when I do, I get threatened just because it was one of there friends.
Is my brain trying to make sense of my past, its weird and makes me sad.
I often get panic attacks when I get into arguments and feel like the person is going to hurt me, abuse me or get back at me in some way, and there sole purpose is to betray and to hurt me, no clue why, its often irrational, but knowing my past I don't blame my brain.
Sorry about opening up about myself more often though I appericate the advice, I'm just opening up so it helps get it off my chest.
Also these flashbacks occur quote often, mostly daily in some way shape or form, sometimes every couple days, depends how distracted I am.