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Thread: Strange New Thoughts

  1. #1

    Default Strange New Thoughts

    Thanks to the wonderful anonymity the Internet provides I finally have a place where I can talk to people about the way I am feeling without too much worry. Even with all that wonderful anonymity I still feel kind of weird talking or rather typing about this it's not something I have ever really discussed with anyone before. I would also like to apologize in advance if this post is a little bit disorganized and wall of text-y, or if I go off on a tangent about airplanes or something here (I will try to remove any such tangents before I post but my inner aviation nerd does not always let me do so), I also feel the need to apologize for the Star Trek reference in the title when it should really be a Star Wars reference (I mean Star Trek is still better but still).

    So my goal in life for as long as I can remember was always the same, flying F-14's off of aircraft carriers, now there are four major problems to my achieving that goal two of which I am reasonably confident I can get past one that is impossible to get past and one that is just confusing the heck out of me. The problems I am sure I can get past are that I first have to have a bachelors degree to be an officer which you have to be to be a pilot and as I am in college working on a two year diploma that I will then upgrade to a bachelors degree this shouldn't be a problem. The second is that I am a Canadian so I will need to get my citizenship in the United States as well. Now I generally am of the opinion that nothing is impossible the fact that the F-14's were retired in 2006 kind of precludes my possibility of ever flying them off carriers, now I suppose I could try and join the Iranian air force but they don't have carriers and probably wouldn't accept me for a number of reasons. Luckily I would still be happy with F-18's and what not (even if I would have to make fun of the jet every now and again ).

    That leaves the final problem, the one that this thread is (mainly) about, and the one that I don't even know where to begin with well other than maybe giving it its own paragraph (ha! See teachers? I sort of paid attention in English class). I have recently begun to come to terms with the fact that I would rather be female than I would male. This has left me in a rather confused position as I do not dislike being male but I feel that I would prefer (or preferred) to have been female, I am not entirely sure why I would rather be a girl but there it is (or rather isn't). It is not just recently that I have been having these thoughts it is only just that I am starting to pay attention to them now rather than just dismissing them as a dream or trying to justify some of my choices as something else. I vaguely remember a dream from when I was 7 or 8 where I can't remember who I was talking to but I distinctly recall telling them that I was now a girl as well. In my more recent dreams I often find myself as a female naval aviator. I have always had an attraction to some articles of girls clothing I know I prefer female designs on diapers and that I have always like female underwear in comparison to boxers. I suppose the problem should be gone on May 27th 2016 as that is when the ban on trans-gender servicemen/women is to be lifted. Then again if I do go into the military as a guy and go the route of sex change I'm not sure I would want to return as there is still likely to be prejudice and coming back after going from a guy to a girl would I imagine be very awkward for all involved. Alternatively I could always attempt to transition before joining which would eliminate a lot of potential awkwardness as they would have always known me as female, though I am not sure how I would afford to do that. Conversely I could wait until after I was out of the service to do it I would most likely be able to afford it then, but I'm not sure that I would be able to wait that long if the feelings I am having now stick around.

    In another thread in this sub-forum I mentioned that I went by the name of Alana when I was in my girl mode and that she (or parts of her anyway) became a character in an on line pbem rpg. When I am writing as Alana I for all intents and purposes become her so that I can more effectively write her, I find that I also sometimes look on at the real world from her perspective and often wish that I could stay looking at the world from her perspective.

    I am also aware that a military life especially when deployed aboard a ship can seriously impact the diaper lover side of me as well. Joining the military and flying has been all I have every really wanted to do for such a long time and I thought that I had all the problems figured out (well with the exception of my favourite (Arghh spell check stop telling me Canadian spelling is wrong) aircraft being retired) and now (well maybe I have had an growing inkling as to this for a number of years now) all these feeling and thoughts about changing my gender, and at the time I am about to run out of time in all likelihood or so it feels like.

    I know that I should go speak to a professional about these thoughts/feelings but right know I have neither the time nor the money to do so. In the meantime I am open to thoughts and suggestions. Sorry for kind of dumping this wall of text here but I needed to express this somehow before my head exploded all over my laptop, cleaning gray matter out of the keyboard is absolutely no fun what so ever. It looks like I made it to the end without going off on a tangent (or at least a major one) either so hooray for that.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.

    -KyBar or Alana in this case.

  2. #2


    Wow! That's a lot going on. There is no one answer. There's certainly nothing that says you can't or can. Going for it could certainly lead to a flame out. I'm retired and have had a good life with hopefully more to go. I would say take it one step at a time. With success or failure adapt and move on to the next area. Then implement the next part and then on again. If you fail, then you learn from it and move on. Keep your goals in sight. Funny thing about taking a road. You never know where it might lead. You could end up not where you intended to go but somewhere better. I hope that makes sense to you. Best of luck!

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