Thanks to the wonderful anonymity the Internet provides I finally have a place where I can talk to people about the way I am feeling without too much worry. Even with all that wonderful anonymity I still feel kind of weird talking or rather typing about this it's not something I have ever really discussed with anyone before. I would also like to apologize in advance if this post is a little bit disorganized and wall of text-y, or if I go off on a tangent about airplanes or something here (I will try to remove any such tangents before I post but my inner aviation nerd does not always let me do so), I also feel the need to apologize for the Star Trek reference in the title when it should really be a Star Wars reference (I mean Star Trek is still better but still).
So my goal in life for as long as I can remember was always the same, flying F-14's off of aircraft carriers, now there are four major problems to my achieving that goal two of which I am reasonably confident I can get past one that is impossible to get past and one that is just confusing the heck out of me. The problems I am sure I can get past are that I first have to have a bachelors degree to be an officer which you have to be to be a pilot and as I am in college working on a two year diploma that I will then upgrade to a bachelors degree this shouldn't be a problem. The second is that I am a Canadian so I will need to get my citizenship in the United States as well. Now I generally am of the opinion that nothing is impossible the fact that the F-14's were retired in 2006 kind of precludes my possibility of ever flying them off carriers, now I suppose I could try and join the Iranian air force but they don't have carriers and probably wouldn't accept me for a number of reasons. Luckily I would still be happy with F-18's and what not (even if I would have to make fun of the jet every now and again ).
That leaves the final problem, the one that this thread is (mainly) about, and the one that I don't even know where to begin with well other than maybe giving it its own paragraph (ha! See teachers? I sort of paid attention in English class). I have recently begun to come to terms with the fact that I would rather be female than I would male. This has left me in a rather confused position as I do not dislike being male but I feel that I would prefer (or preferred) to have been female, I am not entirely sure why I would rather be a girl but there it is (or rather isn't). It is not just recently that I have been having these thoughts it is only just that I am starting to pay attention to them now rather than just dismissing them as a dream or trying to justify some of my choices as something else. I vaguely remember a dream from when I was 7 or 8 where I can't remember who I was talking to but I distinctly recall telling them that I was now a girl as well. In my more recent dreams I often find myself as a female naval aviator. I have always had an attraction to some articles of girls clothing I know I prefer female designs on diapers and that I have always like female underwear in comparison to boxers. I suppose the problem should be gone on May 27th 2016 as that is when the ban on trans-gender servicemen/women is to be lifted. Then again if I do go into the military as a guy and go the route of sex change I'm not sure I would want to return as there is still likely to be prejudice and coming back after going from a guy to a girl would I imagine be very awkward for all involved. Alternatively I could always attempt to transition before joining which would eliminate a lot of potential awkwardness as they would have always known me as female, though I am not sure how I would afford to do that. Conversely I could wait until after I was out of the service to do it I would most likely be able to afford it then, but I'm not sure that I would be able to wait that long if the feelings I am having now stick around.
In another thread in this sub-forum I mentioned that I went by the name of Alana when I was in my girl mode and that she (or parts of her anyway) became a character in an on line pbem rpg. When I am writing as Alana I for all intents and purposes become her so that I can more effectively write her, I find that I also sometimes look on at the real world from her perspective and often wish that I could stay looking at the world from her perspective.
I am also aware that a military life especially when deployed aboard a ship can seriously impact the diaper lover side of me as well. Joining the military and flying has been all I have every really wanted to do for such a long time and I thought that I had all the problems figured out (well with the exception of my favourite (Arghh spell check stop telling me Canadian spelling is wrong) aircraft being retired) and now (well maybe I have had an growing inkling as to this for a number of years now) all these feeling and thoughts about changing my gender, and at the time I am about to run out of time in all likelihood or so it feels like.
I know that I should go speak to a professional about these thoughts/feelings but right know I have neither the time nor the money to do so. In the meantime I am open to thoughts and suggestions. Sorry for kind of dumping this wall of text here but I needed to express this somehow before my head exploded all over my laptop, cleaning gray matter out of the keyboard is absolutely no fun what so ever. It looks like I made it to the end without going off on a tangent (or at least a major one) either so hooray for that.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
-KyBar or Alana in this case.