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Thread: Change me. (Short poem)

  1. #1

    Unhappy Change me. (Short poem)

    So I wrote a short poem. I'd love to hear what you guys think:

    Change me.

    Life is dark
    And damp am I
    Of stinging tears
    that will not dry

    My person moist
    of trickling sweat
    A bad dream, a nightmare,
    a trap my mind has set

    I cry and weep and throw a fit
    As if I scream into the void "I quit"

    A soft hand touches me
    A hand of solid gold
    "Relax," it pleads, "let go of grief"
    And I do as I am told

    "Lay down, eyes closed,
    Forget the world's ill ways"
    By now no longer fully clothed
    I lay there, glassy eyes agaze

    A finger gently wipes my tears
    My cheeks still red and tender
    My eyelids lulled to sleep, no fears,
    He's mine, my very own defender

    With a sprinkle of bright snow
    Engulfed and caressed by whitest glow
    Life giving chills of caring and bliss
    It all goes away with a hug and a kiss
    Last edited by Musician147; 21-Dec-2015 at 18:49. Reason: Title

  2. #2


    This is a great poem. How about making the thread title something that tells people that's what you mean? I think you'd get more replies. Great job on the poem itself.

  3. #3

  4. #4


    Thanks guys. I changed the title of the thread, hopefully people will have a better idea of what's in it.

  5. #5


    I think that's an excellent poem. You really captured the tenderness of the moment. I'm curious if you had a particular cadence or meter in mind, it seems close to one but there are a few lines that vary that make me uncertain if you were going for a meter or just freeform.

    Also, I'm not 100% sure if this or the story forum would be a better place for poetry, but I kinda like this here as a change of pace.

  6. #6


    I didn't have a specific meter in mind, (never studied meters actually...) but did pay attention to rhythm. I mixed a few meters unconciously. The different meter in the last verse however was a conscious decision.

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