So let's get all of my bad stuff out in the open first, because I'm not sure how good a person I am, and I want to talk to someone who can keep that in mind while hopefully trying to help me be a better person.
Me and my girlfriend are currently taking a 3 month break. She's back home with her family for the holidays, and we're sorting out our personal lives. The ultimate cause of this was me using an online chat site called 'talktome' chatting with other girls anonymously and cheating on her. I'm normally the Dom in the relationship, and supposed to be her daddy, but when I go online I'm switch and play the role of a submissive diaper lover.
The thing is she was open to an open relationship. She even embraced me switching. The problem from my perspective was that I was wanting to switch more often then be dom, and I didn't know why as this had never happened before in my life. I didn't want to tell her, because she was frustrated by my repeated attempts to make our intimacy about me instead of her, so I rationalized going online and using those sites. Prior to that on occasion I had also used cam sites for a similar thing, and spent hundreds of dollars. We really didn't have the money for that.
So because I had done these things, and I didn't want her to think I was changing roles I lied to her... She found out, and almost left me, but stayed telling me I couldn't do it anymore. I promised her I wouldn't and broke down almost immediately when left alone and did it again. She found out, and that's the reason we're on this break right now.
Since then I haven't done any of it... I've kept to myself, worked on my problems, I'm going to therapy, and trying to put my life back together. I'm working a really demanding job, and trying to get rid of debt before I go back to college this winter.
That said for obvious reasons I had ruined her interest in sexual activities with me initially, and she didn't understand how I could have any sexual desires since she didn't... So for the first few weeks I didn't masturbate, used no porn, didn't even look at images of her. I refrained from all of it... But, as a comfort mechanism I started wearing diapers to bed at night (I used to masturbate to fall asleep occasionally, this caused additional tension since she was usually willing to have sex, honestly I can't rationalize most of my activities aside from saying I was being selfish).
Well, a couple weeks ago I started having really vivid dreams of be being a little. More importantly I was using diapers, and I woke up having wet a diaper. Initially I told her about it, and we decided maybe it was caused by me using the diapers as a comfort mechanism... So I stopped wearing.. The first night was fine, but the second night I wet the bed again without protection.
A few days later I went to work, and I wet myself in the daytime. That has never happened before... I'm going into psych, and near positive it's psychological and not physical, but the only thing that matches is a childhood disorder. My girlfriend helped relax that night... She decided she would work with me, and she treated me as a little. I'd been helping her for a few days by role-playing as her daddy, and I still want to do that, over the phone of course since we're away.
For a few days I had no accidents day or night... But then one night the dreams came back, and this time more lucid, and it was both messing and wetting and manifested in reality... This stuff kept happening for a week or so, and I was wearing diapers to work for fear of having an accident, and thankfully I was wearing since I wet and messed at work just yesterday.
As a side note, I stopped drinking coke shortly after she left, and started drinking water regularly (For the first time in probably 5 years), in an effort to be more fit and lose weight. I used to be in the Marine Corps, and I was running for a bit too, but while I feel healthier I can tell there's a difference because even when I don't have accidents I'm peeing a lot more, and when I defecate it's been more loose for half a month now too...
I'm seeing a therapist, but he has no specialty in sexual disorders, and is only a Masters level. I trust him with my general relationship issues, but am too embarrassed to bring up the sexual issues, and thus this... Eventually I plan on bringing it to a more qualified therapist, but I can't afford to right now... Up until now I've been using my girlfriend to talk to.
She's been really supportive, and helped me a lot. However, both her and I agreed that this is really too close to the line of some of the problems that caused all this to begin with... She needs time to herself, and I still need someone to talk to. I also need to work on being more supportive and loving of her, and not using her for my issues... For that reason she told me I should find someone to talk to about this...
That's why I'm here... I need someone to talk to, specifically about this issue, but maybe about just my issues in general. I will talk to anyone, but I have to admit up front that I am uncomfortable talking about such personal issues with males (My therapist is a male, and I can't even talk to him about this really)... It's weird and I don't know why but it really just makes me super uncomfortable.
In a public setting like a forum I'm glad to hear advice. Responses, and I need thoughts from anyone... But... My honest hope was that if there was a girl out there who would just be a friend and let me talk to her about this stuff I would appreciate that a lot. I know it's a weird request, and I'm not the greatest person, and I'd like you to write a message to my girlfriend so she knows you're talking to me, because I need this to be productive... But I honestly do need support...
I feel extremely depressed.. I'm losing control of my body (And it's not on purpose), I can't get my life on track, I'm worried I'm going to lose my girlfriend... And it's all selfish, but I sincerely do want to be a better person, and not the person that caused all this to happen in the first place.
Thank you for reading, I hope someone can help.