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Thread: Need some help..

  1. #1

    Default Need some help..

    So, this is going to be one of those "relationship things"
    My boyfriend is feeling pretty down about our relationship.
    He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he isn't sure about his total sexuality.
    He wants to have a boyfriend as well as having a girlfriend...
    He wants us to all be in some happy relationship... which would be fine.. but I'm gay.
    I am also not wanting to be in a three way relationship because that just won't ever work.
    He keeps telling me he is confused, and doesn't know what he wants. I sometimes just want him to break up with me and find someone who will and can make him happier.
    This has been dragging on the entire 8 months our relationship has been lasting.
    I want him to be happy, and I want the other person he is trying to get involved happy.
    I just fear that this will drive us so far apart. Is it selfish to want them to be happy, but not want to make myself unhappy in the process??

  2. #2

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    No, it's not selfish to want to avoid making yourself unhappy. Everyone deserves happiness, or at least the chance to try and pursue it.

    On this problem, it's a tough one. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have already talked about it somewhat, so the thing here is to make clear to him what things just won't work for you. Once he knows that, he can also start figuring out what things are okay with you and exploring in that space. Now, it is possible that there will be a real incompatibility here where the things that he wants and the things that just don't work for you mean the two of you can't be together. If that happens, it's probably best you go your separate ways, at least temporarily while he figures things out and maybe permanently depending on what happens. But if it turns out that he can try to figure things out in a way that still leaves you comfortable, then the two of you might be able to work it out.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through a tough situation like this, though. Nobody wants to have to put themselves in conflict with someone else they care about. Just try to do the right thing throughout and keep an open mind and you may be able to work things out.

  3. #3

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    There's another thread about songs you CAN'T listen to. Here's a candidate for your situation.


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKV9WFxDSfg

    Or one that I have difficulty with because of its association with a breakup (about a decade before Mrs. Maxx....)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2zds1aRwAo

  4. #4

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    We have talked about it for sometime through the night, and some today... I am not sure anything I am saying is getting through.
    I am just going to let him do as he pleases until I can't take it anymore, and then we will go our separate ways.
    He wants to talk, but he just doesn't seem to actually be listening.... Oh well, I should be used to this sort of thing by now I suppose.
    I guess some of us aren't meant to be in relationships.. I'll be better off living and dying alone than with someone I love.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by BronyPony1418 View Post
    We have talked about it for sometime through the night, and some today... I am not sure anything I am saying is getting through.
    I am just going to let him do as he pleases until I can't take it anymore, and then we will go our separate ways.
    He wants to talk, but he just doesn't seem to actually be listening.... Oh well, I should be used to this sort of thing by now I suppose.
    I guess some of us aren't meant to be in relationships.. I'll be better off living and dying alone than with someone I love.
    I'm sorry this is going in the direction that it is. All I can say is to not give up on love. You simply need to find the right one. It's not unusual to be confused when you're 20. When I went off to college, I met up with a guy who I genuinely liked and we were a couple for at least 3 of the 4 years. But after we graduated, we went our separate ways, he getting drafted, and I moving and getting a job. He now is married to someone who looks a lot like I did when I was younger. I'm married to my wife, have three children and five grandchildren.

    For each and every one of us, we must find our own way, and those paths often stray from one another. Don't give up on love, but you might have to give up on him.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by BronyPony1418 View Post
    We have talked about it for sometime through the night, and some today... I am not sure anything I am saying is getting through.
    I am just going to let him do as he pleases until I can't take it anymore, and then we will go our separate ways.
    He wants to talk, but he just doesn't seem to actually be listening.... Oh well, I should be used to this sort of thing by now I suppose.
    I guess some of us aren't meant to be in relationships.. I'll be better off living and dying alone than with someone I love.
    I dunno if this advice will help, but I'll do my best. Listening and talking is hard, it's actually a skill, especially on difficult subjects. What you might want to do is have everyone take a day or a couple days off the subject, and then when you come back to it, establish some rules for the conversation and go through it carefully. I'd suggest something like the following
    -Each person gets 10 minutes to talk about their position without interruption. The other person can take notes.
    -After both have spoken, the one who listened first goes back over and summarizes what they heard to make sure they got it right, then gets ~10 minutes for questions. Then switch and have the other person do the same thing.
    -Then 10 minutes of free talking where you can go back and forth and try to focus on things.

    During all of the above no discussion of what to do next, only trying to understand what each of you wants and why. Then, after that's all done, you can sit down and brainstorm ideas about what to do next for the two of you.

    I know that can be kind of difficult to do in practice, but I've worked on a lot of really contentious legal issues and it really does amazing things to structure a conversation and give each person time to be heard and to hear the other.

  7. #7

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    We seem to be fine again, but I know he is hiding how he feels.. it's even harder on us being that it is a long distance relationship.
    It has its ups and downs sure, but I just don't know if we will actually make it all work out in the end. I hope we can because is the first I feel like I can actually trust.
    We have shared so many secrets, and supported each other through different things. We have known one another for a few years, but this is the first we are sharing as a couple.
    The last relationship I had that lasted nearly as long as this one has I was dumped on Christmas, and completely forgotten about by New Years..
    I don't want us to end on a sour note, with me being the reason.

  8. #8

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    I was married for 24 years and 14 days before my wife passed away. We loved each other deeply. We were not always happy though.

    Happiness is important for both people. Love is wonderful but it by itself is not always enough. Communication is also very important. If you do not think communication is working between you both, it needs to be fixed. It does not get better over time, this I know from experience. It is one of the bad memories I have.

    Now that I am alone again, happiness is something I seek. I have found some in my photography. I do not know if I will seek another relationship. It will have to be with someone who accepts me as I am. That was not the case in my first marriage. My diaper wearing side was not accepted and had to be locked away for many years. It was a part I missed during those years.

    You do need to find a balance in life, happiness is a part of that. Thread lightly for the time being. If you see things are going in a mutual direction, carry on. If things are moving in diverging paths you may be forced to make a difficult decision.

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