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Thread: When to tell your other half your an abdl

  1. #1

    Default When to tell your other half your an abdl

    Hi I'm just wondering when is it the time to tell your other half your an abdl. Iv been going out with my other half 3 months now and every day we seem to closer and we have no secrets between us at. Should I wait a few years or less

  2. #2

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    Tough one. I waited 42 years (though admittedly I was mostly inactive). Colitis BIC was my excuse.
    Last edited by Kenn; 15-Nov-2015 at 06:27.

  3. #3

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    If you didn't see it, we have an article on this topic: https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthre...To-Tell-or-Not. I hope you'll find it helpful.

    My relationships, such as they are, have lately been with people who already know. I think on that basis, I'd lean toward talking about it sooner rather than later. Once I had determined that they should be discreet about the matter, we could discuss it. It's important to me, at least within its confines, and I see no point in wasting either party's time if there's no possible accommodation with it.

  4. #4

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    I think you should definitely tell your SO before you become engaged and after you begin dating but at what point between should tell? That is not so straight forward.

    In your case and to answer your specific question: yes, I think it is not too early to start the conversation.

  5. #5

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    I told my girlfriend (now my wife of 20 years) as soon as I realized we were heading toward a serious relationship. For us it was in the first few weeks of dating. We married a year later and had known each other for more than a year prior to dating. She did not handle it well (I didn't either, lots of shame), and this caused years of issues between us. While it is still not ideal, it is very good and I wear whenever I want. How you tell her is as important as when. If you are unsure and ashamed, it will be much harder for her to be accepting.

  6. #6

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    I would tell your SO certainly before there is a ring involved. Here's what I told my (then) girlfriend (now) wife. I invited her over for a special breakfast one morning. I asked her to think of all the things she loves about me. I told her this is a part of who I have been since I was a child. She doesn't have to indulge me, but she needs to know this is part of who I am. All the parts of me she already loves will still always be there. Without this part of me, though, I wouldn't be the person she loves, and there's no way to change that or make it go away. I told her she had the opportunity to leave if she didn't like it. She chose to stay. I offered her the website http://understanding.infantilism.org for her reference. She took the time to explore it.

    The other thing I have found is the more at ease with it I am, the more at ease with it she is. If I am panicking or totally embarrassed, then so is she. If I am relaxed about it, then so is she. I try to be discreet most of the time. I tell her that the relationship is open; she can always offer feedback on my diaper wearing, but I will not force the subject.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by BachBrahms View Post
    The other thing I have found is the more at ease with it I am, the more at ease with it she is. If I am panicking or totally embarrassed, then so is she. If I am relaxed about it, then so is she. I try to be discreet most of the time. I tell her that the relationship is open; she can always offer feedback on my diaper wearing, but I will not force the subject.
    Wow this is so so true!!! You just made me realize it! I need to work out in being relax and comfortable when I talk about diapers.
    Also the part that you say to not force it and be discreet

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by BachBrahms View Post
    I would tell your SO certainly before there is a ring involved. Here's what I told my (then) girlfriend (now) wife. I invited her over for a special breakfast one morning. I asked her to think of all the things she loves about me. I told her this is a part of who I have been since I was a child. She doesn't have to indulge me, but she needs to know this is part of who I am. All the parts of me she already loves will still always be there. Without this part of me, though, I wouldn't be the person she loves, and there's no way to change that or make it go away. I told her she had the opportunity to leave if she didn't like it. She chose to stay. I offered her the website http://understanding.infantilism.org for her reference. She took the time to explore it.

    The other thing I have found is the more at ease with it I am, the more at ease with it she is. If I am panicking or totally embarrassed, then so is she. If I am relaxed about it, then so is she. I try to be discreet most of the time. I tell her that the relationship is open; she can always offer feedback on my diaper wearing, but I will not force the subject.
    This is probably the best post I have read on letting a spouse or potential spouse know

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by BachBrahms View Post
    I would tell your SO certainly before there is a ring involved. Here's what I told my (then) girlfriend (now) wife. I invited her over for a special breakfast one morning. I asked her to think of all the things she loves about me. I told her this is a part of who I have been since I was a child. She doesn't have to indulge me, but she needs to know this is part of who I am. All the parts of me she already loves will still always be there. Without this part of me, though, I wouldn't be the person she loves, and there's no way to change that or make it go away. I told her she had the opportunity to leave if she didn't like it. She chose to stay. I offered her the website http://understanding.infantilism.org for her reference. She took the time to explore it.

    The other thing I have found is the more at ease with it I am, the more at ease with it she is. If I am panicking or totally embarrassed, then so is she. If I am relaxed about it, then so is she. I try to be discreet most of the time. I tell her that the relationship is open; she can always offer feedback on my diaper wearing, but I will not force the subject.
    When i get a girlfriend again i am doing this advice wow this was great!!!

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyTcd View Post
    Hi I'm just wondering when is it the time to tell your other half your an abdl. Iv been going out with my other half 3 months now and every day we seem to closer and we have no secrets between us at. Should I wait a few years or less
    This is a challenging topic. Part of the challenge is to avoid simply appealing to popular moral ideals. That stuff's easy to agree with, and almost totally useless. The ADISC article fails in this regard, and is an overly long treatment of an overly simplistic opinion besides, filled with bad words like "always" and "never". I mean no disrespect to its author by saying that. (And I doubt any would be taken, as the author seems to have martyred him or herself somewhere along the way. (Which suggests that he or she was a bit emotionally "delicate". (Which suggests that he or she might not have been the best source of objective advice on an often emotional topic like relation--ok, ok! Shutting up!)))

    Let's start from the top: Relationships. Relationships, regardless of their kind, are inherently manipulative. That's not just my usual runaway cynicism, either. Let's be honest: We don't seek to form or maintain relationships with people because we like to give-give-give to them. We generally give with the expectation of receiving, and we tune our giving to receive the things we want, whether that's to have sex, to receive affection, to earn money, or to simply be left alone. Relationships where both parties consistently get what they hope to get tend to work out. I don't mean to diminish the importance of love, but love is a thing that is given and (hopefully) received, just like so many other things.

    When we set out to form relationships, we try to communicate all of what we believe to be our best attributes first. That makes plenty of sense. Think about a person you don't know very well. If you were asked to describe what kind of person they are, what would you say? Certainly your description would be extrapolated from very little information, and would be utterly unlike the description given by a lifelong friend of that same person. Seems obvious enough, right? The point is, when you're getting to know somebody, every little thing you find out about them is HUGE! GIGANTIC! SUPER-IMPORTANT!! Your knowledge of them is such a vaccuum that every little detail explodes to fill the void, and you end up with a grossly disfigured impression of that person. At least until you know them better. Unfortunately, we're all too busy to really know everybody we meet.

    In short: When your relationship is young, every part of yourself that you expose is a huge deal. Later on, generally less so, because there is context--a "big picture" within which new things can be seen in proper proportion. That means you actually get to control how big a deal some things are through the timing of you disclosures. Woo-hoo! (But doing it right can be tricky.)

    And now, on to AB/DL. AB/DL is not the same thing to each of us. Seriously, like... any advice that treats AB/DL as a singular condition of some sort is total crap. Move right along. For some, AB/DL an all-consuming lifestyle. For others, merely a prominent diversion. For still others, it may present as no more than a form of masturbation--one in which the hand and the genitals are separated by a diaper, but are otherwise playing their usual mundane roles. And there are a million other variations. I say this not to make AB/DL seem inapproachably complicated, but rather to highlight that its place in an individual's life--and hence in that individual's relationships--is going to vary. It may be a bigger thing, or a smaller thing.

    So! Back to relationships. If you look on AB/DL as central to your identity, then it's a very big deal! And coming out to a new girlfriend about it is going to make it seem like that, because she won't know much else about you. But maybe that's ok for you. Maybe the timing of your disclosure, which likely causes your girlfriend to think of you as an AB/DL above all else, paints an accurate picture of you. On the opposite end of the spectrum: If you privately jerk off like just about every male in existence, but you do so with a diaper on, then coming out about that anywhere near the start of a relationship likely makes it out to be a far bigger part of you than it is. Heck, how many non-AB/DL males go gushing to their girlfriends--or even spouses--about how they pleasure themelves when they're alone? ("Baby, before we get engaged, I feel I should tell you: I jerk off to porn.") I'll hazard a guess: Next to zero. You're not special.

    "Now just wait a moment!" I can hear some of you saying. "Relationships are built on openness and honesty." Well, certainly we can aspire to that. But real, lasting relationships are also strategic, calculated. All but a very few of us know this well before we are adults, so let's not pretend it isn't how the world actually works. We don't get to dump out our souls in front of prospective mates and let them see everything that we are, so we're stuck carefully dosing out things in a way that promotes appreciation of who we are--or want to be. And even if we mean to, we never get it all out. Sorry, you open-about-everything people, but you will die with secrets.

    So how big a thing is AB/DL to you? What kind of relationship are we talking about? And to what extent do you expect the other party to be involved with your AB/DL? Make up your mind, and then you'll have some idea of when--perhaps even if--you ought to come out about it. But don't let somebody tell you that you should come out about it because "honesty is important". In the strategy game that is all relationships, the question is not just about whether something does matter, but also whether it should matter. You decide, but be ready to commit to your decision.

    Finally: We have a lot of older people here who came out, or were discovered, well into their marriages and had things go well. I have a pretty basic theory to (sort of) explain the ones that fail: They failed for multiple reasons. That's the theory. A deep, mutually-fulfilling relationship of years is unlikely to fall flat over the revelation of a diaper fetish, AB-ism, or whatever. I really have a hard time believing claims to the contrary. I will believe, however, that these things can amount to "the straw that broke them camel's back". But then so can just about anything! AB/DL can be an embarrassing thing to come out about. That's a pretty simple explanation for keeping it to yourself, especially if you also don't mind keeping it to yourself. And if you can't make another person see that, well then your relationship was probably already in the toilet. On the other hand, if the sudden appearance of AB/DL is paired with the sudden expectation that your spouse will baby you and change your diapers, well... You fucked up big-time, because you weren't up-front with the only person you really do need to be up-front with at the start of every relationship: You.

    I suppose I'll finish by saying that I've been married for over 16 years, have two kids, and "came out" (was discovered) 13 years in. Diapers have remained a private thing for me. That's in line with my expectations, and with my wife's approval. So far, so good. If I had it to do over again, would I still keep it a secret? Hell yeah. Two of my best friends are guys I've known since elementary school, too--30+ years ago. They don't know I'm a DL, and why should they? I'm a fiercely loyal friend and companion, but private is private.

    And being open for open's sake is na´ve, idealistic advice for suckers! And aspiring hermits.
    Last edited by Cottontail; 16-Nov-2015 at 17:21.

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