Let me start by saying that this is NOT a cry for help, nor a request for advice. I am fine, and don't need any advice on my personal situation, but I felt like just opening up a little bit anonymously, and talking about something I am learning about myself.
I am learning that I can enjoy cutting myself.
You often read stories of self harming, and this type of behaviour seems generally, but of course not always, mostly centred around hormonal teenage behaviour, and more related to females. I know it covers a wider cross section than that, but I think most people's idea of someone cutting themselves would be a teenage girl.
Not a guy in his mid forties.
Now I've had bouts of depression for years. Took anti depressants for over a decade. I stopped taking them probably 5 years ago, and I've been good. Admittedly I drink way too much, and I'm a pot smoker, but I've been pretty upbeat for a long time now. I've had some ups and downs, but more ups for sure.
This week I've crashed. Back into old habits. I feel like shit, tired, moody etc. Blah blah blah. I even tried to pick a fight a few days ago.
I must think I'm younger than what I am.
Anyway, the other day at work and I feel like crap. There's the sharp knife on my desk. With no one around, I pressed it into my forearm and lightly drew it across. Not deep, but enough to make it flow.
Since then, I've done it another 6 times.
I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't. I've never understood why or how people could do this. It's whacked out behaviour. Even being depressed myself, I couldn't figure out why people would do this.
I can now. It's somewhat intoxicating.