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Thread: I'm non-abdl, but apparently my bf is?

  1. #1

    Default I'm non-abdl, but apparently my bf is?

    Any help here would be fantastic. I am not an ABDL. I need a little help understanding a few things.

    So an old friend of mine started talking to me a couple days ago, and it turns out he knows my boyfriend of two months. Since they are from very different areas, I asked how they knew each other. After a lot of questions and guessing, he finally admitted that he knows my boyfriend through an online ABDL site. This is all very new to me. My boyfriend doesn't even know that I know. I've been trying to give him opportunities to talk about it without seeming too obvious, because I want him to get to the point where he feels comfortable enough to tell me himself. But my friend pointed out that he is hiding it from me and trying not to be an ABDL for me, even though I never knew. I don't want him to change for me. So my first question is, should I tell him I know?

    My second question is what do you guys expect from a non-ABDL girlfriend? I already know that I do not want to participate and that it is a turn-off for me (no offense). I have already tried looking up porn to see if it would do anything for me, and it doesn't. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. I mainly just want to know what to expect so I don't make him feel like crap when he surprises me in a diaper one day. And how do I tell him I don't want to be a part of it without him feeling like I don't accept him or love him?

    I'm really sorry if I offended anyone. That's not what I'm here to do. I just need to know if I should work for this relationship to work or if I should just cut it off and save him some hurt. Thank you.

  2. #2

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    First of all, welcome to ADISC! We'll try to offer whatever help and assistance we can. Secondly, plaudits for being so understanding, and for trying to make your boyfriend more comfortable. That's the best that most of us can reasonably hope for.

    That's rather a tough position to find yourself in, not the least because if I were your boyfriend, I'd feel rather betrayed by your mutual friend for telling you (or indeed anyone else) about his paraphilia. ABDL is incredibly personal, even when it isn't sexual, and the fear of rejection does tend to cause most people to keep it to themselves. In some cases, an ABDL can be married with kids before their partner finds about it, which is hardly ideal. Compared to that, two months is nothing, so if you want a conversation about it any time soon, you are probably going to need to bring it up yourself. You are going to need to be prepared for a certain amount of panic and self-loathing, so you really need to get him relaxed first.

    I can't speak for your boyfriend's fantasies, but for myself, at the very least, I would like acceptance of the fact that I am going to use ABDL paraphernalia, including nappies, in private, and that I might occasionally engage in regressive activity. You don't have to participate, and TBH, I'm not necessarily sure that I would want you to. Not every AB fantasises about being mommied, and just because an activity is sexual doesn't mean that a couple both have to be involved. Where it isn't sexual, it's just an interest that doesn't appeal to you - no different to anything else that he is into, but you are not. Wearing nappies around you would be a plus, but it's not essential. But again, I can't speak for the strength of you boyfriend's paraphilia. Though if he is trying to suppress it for your sake, and mostly succeeding, it can't be all-consuming.

    The big issue is tolerance. If you can demonstrate understanding and tolerance, even if you don't wish to be involved, then you will have overcome most ABDLs worst fears - that their partner will regard them as a hopeless, degenerate freak.

  3. #3

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    Thank you for replying back so quickly! I really appreciate it.

    You said it wouldn't be essential to wear nappies around your girlfriend, so would it be awful of me to ask him not to wear diapers or that sort of thing around me? I don't want him to feel ashamed, but I see him as one of the most prominent men in my life. He means a lot to me, even after only two short months. I just don't think I'm ready to see him as a little boy (or girl. I have no idea yet) instead of the MAN I have grown to love and respect and cherish.

    And also, how do I satisfy him sexually because I can't wear a diaper for him? Will we just have normal sex? Do you think that would be fine with him in the long run?

  4. #4

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    Hey, wow that's a new one on me..... Can I start by congratulating you for firstly not dumping him, and secondly for making an effort to educate yourself. As Akastus has already indicated, there is no real way of knowing what his preferences are, or if he wants or needs you to participate at all. the thing is that now you do know and at some point in your relationship he needs to know that.

    I can't stress enough how extremely sensitive this is, I mean I would totally freak out if I was outed against my wishes. However, if your fella is like most others, he will ultimately desire that you know and completely accept the person that he is. He may or may not be a regressive ABDL and so trying to determine what he may or may not want from you is the wrong way to go about this.

    You really have to decide whether you are going to discuss this with him, or whether you're going to maintain his secret until he is ready to discuss it.

    In my case, I remember coming so close so many times to telling my partner, and then chickening out. I would often try to explore alternative desires with her in an effort to create the right environment for it to come out, but that never happened. eventually, I just had to tell her....the best thing I ever did. she is still getting used to the idea that I am both her man and sometimes a baby with her. The thing is, after some time, she recognises that she is dealing with different personas and is learning to relate differently to each....it is possible.

    Go gentle with him, this is not something most of us choose....it's hard wired into us, and can be extremely difficult on us. acceptance is the only way to live in harmony with this....self-acceptance, and then genuine acceptance of those who must know.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by DLsGirlfriend View Post
    And also, how do I satisfy him sexually because I can't wear a diaper for him? Will we just have normal sex? Do you think that would be fine with him in the long run?
    Every ab/dl's needs and wants are different. The best thing would be to ask him.

  6. #6

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    oh yeah, about your regular sexual relationship with him.... chances are that if your currently enjoying a 'typically normal relationship' (whatever that is) then that's probably fine for him (in his adult persona) so I wouldn't necessarily worry about that. As far as the other goes....well you'd need to ask him. Chances are though, he's gonna be cool with you just accepting his interest.

  7. #7

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    Wow, this is an interesting topic. We've had several significant others come to ask questions before, but I don't think I've seen one where the girlfriend knew but the ABDL didn't know that she knew. Quite a twist. Welcome DLsGirlfriend, and thanks for coming here to ask and do research, that's really cool of you.

    My opinion is that you should tell him that you know, particularly because he's apparently trying not to indulge himself on your behalf and you're not going to break up with him if he wears a diaper at some point. It should be a gentle conversation, possibly best started somewhere private and maybe even with a disclaimer like "don't freak out, but I talked to your friend and..." and then explain how you found out. He might well deny it as well on first appearance, and since this is a second-hand account, I don't think you can say 100% conclusively that he is ABDL (though from the friend's account it seems 99% likely). Point being, just listen to him after the initial disclosure, don't pressure or require that anything be discussed right then.

    You've also raised a few different questions, which are tough to answer, but I'll try to add some thoughts that I hope are helpful.

    1. Him wearing around you or not: This varies by person. He might be totally fine only indulging when he's by himself, or he might be someone that feels the urge to wear more often and would really like it if he could wear around you sometimes. It's worth noting that diapers, unless they are very wet or dirty, are actually really hard to detect under normal clothing. Not impossible, mind you, but I bet if he's got a dry diaper on under jeans or khakis, you won't notice right away, maybe even not at all. My suggestion though is to be open to slowly working on this. Maybe start out by saying you're not totally comfortable with it, but have him try wearing around you once or twice and see if you can notice it. Ask him what his needs are too and see if you two can work out a compromise.

    2. Seeing him as a little boy (or girl): This is a tough one in some ways, but also a very easy one in other ways. Let me offer the following thought: everyone needs to feel little sometimes. People are hurt, they cry, they want to be vulnerable and be supported. People get excited, they get playful, there are lots of "little" things that anyone, ABDL or not, does. Him being ABDL may mean that he has some mannerisms that he'd like to indulge that are more childish, whether that's wearing diapers or simply being more playful than he has been with you up to this point. But that doesn't mean he can't be the man you need for important stuff. He can be strong, reliable, and powerful at some times while still acting like a kid at other times. Really, I promise.

    3. Sexual satisfaction. Here, I have no clue. People run a very broad range on this one. Some ABDLs like to wear diapers but not related to sex at all. Others like diapers to go with sex. Some have trouble getting aroused without a diaper present, but others have no problem at all doing the "normal" stuff. You'll have to ask him (common theme, that) and he may not even be sure. Sometimes the only way to know what works is to try things out and be open to experimenting slowly at a pace that's comfortable for both you and him until you figure it out. There is a small chance that there won't be any overlap between his and your sexual desires and if that happens that may be a problem. But cross that bridge when you come to it because I think it's actually pretty unlikely.

    I hope all that helps a little. Good luck to you both!

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by DLsGirlfriend View Post
    Thank you for replying back so quickly! I really appreciate it.

    You said it wouldn't be essential to wear nappies around your girlfriend, so would it be awful of me to ask him not to wear diapers or that sort of thing around me? I don't want him to feel ashamed, but I see him as one of the most prominent men in my life. He means a lot to me, even after only two short months. I just don't think I'm ready to see him as a little boy (or girl. I have no idea yet) instead of the MAN I have grown to love and respect and cherish.

    And also, how do I satisfy him sexually because I can't wear a diaper for him? Will we just have normal sex? Do you think that would be fine with him in the long run?
    It depends what you mean by "around you". If you end up living together, then he's always going to be around you, and I for one would be quite unhappy if I wasn't allowed to express my innermost feelings in the privacy of my own home, because if not there, then where? Can you reside under the same roof at the same time, knowing that he is wearing and using nappies somewhere else in the house, even if you don't see him doing so?

    As for sex - there's no inherent conflict between ABDL and vanilla sexuality. It depends on the individual's headspace. If your boyfriend has his "adult" and "little" personalities separated within his mind, then he should respond to normal sexual stimulation.

  9. #9

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    Sorry, I do not think that you should bring it up with him. If his "friend" had not outed him, you would not know, and perhaps that is his preference at this point. I can only see him getting embarrassed, defensive and angry as a result of being outed - angry not with you, but with himself and his friend.

    I believe that your knowledge of his situation is a good thing so that you can get used to the idea and weigh your options, however you should probably keep it to yourself until he is ready to tell you on his own.
    Last edited by Kenn; 23-Oct-2015 at 11:19.

  10. #10

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    You can alway bring it out by other means look on youtube 15stone babys be watching it .
    It may be a little uncomfortable for him but say you found it on YouTube .
    Be kind and sympathetic to those person's on the show.
    Then he may feel he would like to tell you .
    There are ways to help him feel better with him self.
    The big thing is we want to be accepted as we are most of us hide our diaper thing for fear being rejected.

    Yes it's hard to see your prince is a ab/dl but when you're accepting of it the bond is stronger .
    99% cant give it up it's so much a part of who we are and will always be.
    But we are loving kind sensitive person's.
    Thank you for being understanding that speak's a lot for you.

    The big thing is with pottie training there a stigmata about a diaper.
    Yes we may not have a physical need but we have a mental need no difference .
    We all do thing's that make us feel good some eat or spend money even some bite nails.
    My girl friend wears depends she has to no control and keeps things dry when she is out and about.
    So she understand's me . I wish you the best and welcome to ADISC we will be glad to help in any way there are couples on this site that can help also.

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