For the last few, months really, I haven't been the same. That trip down to Texas with my family in June just, changed something in me, almost like I feel numb to the world. But with that said, never before has my anxiety been this bad. There isn't a day I go without worrying about the same thing to the point where I almost feel like vomiting. If I was more sensitive then I could probably cry, but my heart is as cold as ice. Things in the last month have especially been going badly, moreso something that happened the other day. I posted a thread about this earlier, but my girlfriend has major depression. And suffice to say, it hasn't gotten any better. In fact, I think it's gotten worse. And as much as it pains me to say it, almost all of my anxiety comes from when she gets really depressed. Every time she is down and wants to just give it all up; my stomach and psyche take a huge hit and I feel like I want to throw up and I won't eat for the entire day. It's just...part of me doesn't want to do this anymore...and I hate myself for even thinking that! I do care about her, more than ANYthing in the entire world! And yet...this thought has plagued my mind for the last month. Almost every day there's a part of me that says "I wish things could go back to how they were before all of this." or "I never wish I had even gotten into a relationship.". I fucking hate having these thoughts on my mind on a daily basis, but I can't stop thinking about it! Moreso in the last 2 days because of something she told me. Long story short, I wasn't gonna dress up for Halloween cause I was a lazyass and didn't get a costume ready, big whoop right? Well, she puts on the crocodile tears and depressive mopyness that she always has when she's feeling depressed, except that she outright told me that it was all to get me to change my mind about not dressing up. And you know what? It hurt...it actually hurt. I felt betrayed...lied to. And now I can't help but think, in the back of my mind, "What if it's all an act? Is any of this actually real? What has she been lying to me about all this time? What's really the truth anymore?". And you have no idea how much I hate myself for even THINKING that! But it's constantly been nagging me since she said that. If anything, I guess I'm more confused and just kinda saddened by it.
Sorry for the depressive bullshit, seems like a lotta people on here have been feeling like this recently. This year has just been horrible. But yeah, feels a little better actually typing all of this out rather than running through it over and over again in my head.