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Thread: Prove me wrong

  1. #1

    Cool Prove me wrong

    That I'm not a failure for not having a GED, a license, or a job.
    That I am good enough despite how my brain thinks.
    That I can do just as good as anyone else who tries to do things that are diffciult.
    That I am not all alone.
    That I-

    Forget all that... what I really want to say is this, maybe I don't need advice from ADISC afterall because I've been ignoring the advice I once gave myself when I was at the lowest point in my life. I can remember what I meant but not what I said it was something like this... "*insert my name here*, you can do this, you're better than the problems you are facing. I know you can barely stand right now but get up. Face your tyrant of fears, stand up for yourself and don't be bullied by your own head. I believe in you!" now it may seem crazy that I said that to myself or something like it, but I've realised I need to take my own advice, swallow the difficult pill and fight through the bitter aftertaste.

    As a few have said here and as I've known for only a few years, I am my own worst enemy. I can sabatoge myself into thinking I don't need anyone, that I can do it alone, or even that I couldn't do it even if someone helped. From now on I've made the choice to stand up for myself, against myself. That being said, I mean the thoughts that surround my conscious mind. Ones of suicide, depressing thoughts, and self doubt as well as doubting others. Doubt can be a good thing, but this time... it's not. Like a bird, I trust the branch I'm perched on and it feels cozy and I want to stay here... but I need to take flight and soar... truly reach for the stars and push myself beyond the mediocre and pursue excellence.

    There is only so much I can say... so much I can do... to properly explain myself and I feel like I'm getting better at doing that. I just know things are changing for the better and that I need to escape the narrow window of depression and get out to the open perspective of internal calm. The... eye of the storm so to speak. Once I reach that... only the storm on the outside can be seen but I am calm nontheless.

    So from the very all of my heart, thank you ADISC members. All the advice wanted or unwanted.... thank you. I hope to remain a valuable addition to the site, and am able to contribute.


  2. #2

    Default

    Only thing I have to add... there's nothing to be done about yesterday, its over. You can only plan for the future and control what you do right now.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Only thing I have to add... there's nothing to be done about yesterday, its over. You can only plan for the future and control what you do right now.
    I don't believe that... I think we can change the past by fixing it in the present. If that was true then victims of violent crimes couldn't be consoled, if there was nothing to do with the past. Planning is stupid... my plans have never worked out and I always put extra pressure on myself if I make a plan. I'm more of a moment to moment person, good or bad, it's what I am. The sooner I accept that, the better. I know I've said a lot of wrong things on this site that I should not have said, even this comment might be wrong or stupid but at least I'm still myself. I call BS on the whole "won't know who you are until you're 25" nonsense... I grew up with two older brothers and they may have changed over the years... but essentially they are the same person just with more experiences.What I lack in experience I make up for in being honest with myself more often than ever. In truth I know, getting a GED is not a cakewalk, but I'm not completely incompetent and I know I have a great amount of competence. Despite that, I can still fail the tests. Knowing that I can fail, only makes me want to pass... regardless of my fear of succeeding. I don't want to succeed for a few reasons... one: People will expect more from me and I'll just let them down and they will see me as less of a person (or so I feel). Two: If I succeed the comforting blanket of a comfort zone will be farther away than it already is and I'm not sure I'll cope well with the pressure to continue to suceed. Third and last but not least: Success doesn't make me feel good... I feel a sense of embarassment. Which often causes me to want to sour the mood with a bad remark... something I'm working on. I should end my rambling nonsense here... but I hope that it wasn't a total loss to make this comment.

  4. #4

    Default

    With regards to planning, understand that making plans is not a bad thing, you'll want to have that sort of forethought as you move through life. Saving money for a car, house, retirement, etc. is 'making plans'. I think what is more important is to understand that 'life happens' for better or worse. My wife and I always are setting money aside for an emergency slush fund; when we're planning on doing something for a while and suddenly the car breaks, or one of the kids gets sick, or something around the house needs fixed, that changes plans appropriately.

    As for learning who you are, that discovery may come to some people at 25, some at 18, some never figure it out. It's not so much that you change the type of person you are, but you learn what you want to do and be in life. Worry less about what other people think of you; there is truly only one person who you can control in this world and it is yourself. If people have unrealistically high expectations of you, they stand to be disappointed. Don't succeed because others want you to, do it because you want to. I grew up under a mother who wanted me to follow the plans she had for my life. I walked away from that, disappointing her severely. I often heard how choosing my own path was going to be disastrous. I laughed inside when, after I bought my first house, my mother tried arguing the tax bracket I was in and it came out that at 27 I now made more than her and my stepfather combined. My path worked out quite well.

    There are people who will talk to you and help you, there are people you want to make proud by accomplishing things. Don't be afraid of getting help when you need it and it's available. Also, don't let yourself fall into a trap of doing things just to make someone else feel good.

  5. #5

    Default

    Total loss? Nah.

    I think you're reading too much into "plan". I'm not talking about some elaborate 20 year outline of your life, although that's a useful exercise now and then, just to see how the things you're doing now fit in. Everything requires a certain amount of "plan" or you end up running around in unproductive circles. I have to fix part of the gutters on my house. First step in the plan is to get up on the ladder to eyeball the job. Next, measure the bad sections, count up the number of joints I'll need, estimate the number of hangers. Write all that down, THEN go to the hardware store. Not doing that means multiple trips to get more, or a bunch of stuff left over that I've paid for but don't need. Then I either have to return it or it clutters up my garage. Oh.... and measuring the inside of my car before I plunk down the cash to be sure I can get a 10' section of gutter inside (I can...)

    Sometimes things you do today are somewhat determined by things you did or didn't do in the past, eg, you have to get a GED because you didn't finish school, but that isn't really changing the past. A matter of semantics I suppose. You can't go back in time and change your decisions, but you can study now, and go take the GED test in the future.

    Some things require a significant amount of advance planning. Doing the Chicago marathon for example... aside from all the training involved, entry slots sell out almost a year in advance. Training, signing up and paying an entry fee isn't a complicated plan, but you do have to think about it well ahead of time.

    Motivating yourself by sharing goals and plans with others works well for some people and some endeavors. It works for me for some things, but not others. I have to be careful what plans I share with Mrs. Maxx. She tries to help, means well, but ends up running around in circles and distracting me with irrelevant suggestions, so I have to waste time explaining things and in some cases undoing what she's done before I can get back to the actual project. Her motto seems to be "fire, aim, ready", although she is getting better. After 35 years, I've managed to convince her that a tape measure is a valuable tool.

    A plan doesn't mean rigidity. Inevitably circumstances change, or factors pop up that you didn't know about. Advance planning reduces the starts and stops by at least accounting for the things that ARE knowable. Examples: Looking at a map before you get in a car to go someplace, watching a couple of youtube videos and reading the Chilton's before starting in on a car repair, or going to the DMV website to find out what fees and ID are required to replace a lost license.

    Knowing yourself and your limitations is important. Knowledge doesn't imply surrender. I'm an introvert, so I know I have to be wary of letting myself become too withdrawn or isolated. I have no intentions of becoming a social butterfly, but I do have to work at maintaining social skills and contacts to achieve certain things I want. Knowing you're an "in the moment" guy means you need to think about taking a deep breath before diving in, and consider whether you can just go with it, or go down the cliff and check to see if the water's deep enough.

    At the same time, you have to be careful not to overanalyze, same as I do.
    Last edited by Maxx; 08-Oct-2015 at 22:10.

  6. #6

    Default

    Look, you've clearly stumbled out of the gate, but you're still at the very beginning of the race.

    We mythologize this idea that everybody who's anybody goes straight into college then graduates and starts a career before they're 23, when only a third of people even finish a 4-year degree. That means the majority of people end up starting at the bottom of the ladder in their late teens and early 20s.

    What that means for you is that once you get on your feet, you're going to be like pretty much everyone else. A slow start in the first couple of years of adulthood doesn't dictate or significantly alter your destiny.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Fruitkitty View Post
    Look, you've clearly stumbled out of the gate, but you're still at the very beginning of the race.

    We mythologize this idea that everybody who's anybody goes straight into college then graduates and starts a career before they're 23, when only a third of people even finish a 4-year degree. That means the majority of people end up starting at the bottom of the ladder in their late teens and early 20s.

    What that means for you is that once you get on your feet, you're going to be like pretty much everyone else. A slow start in the first couple of years of adulthood doesn't dictate or significantly alter your destiny.
    I am in my second career as a disability civil rights activist.
    It took me a long time to find my true calling.
    I used to think of myself as a failure, but no more.
    Premetheus, please try not to be so darn hard on yourself.
    Finding fulfillment in life takes time.

  8. #8

    Default

    When I read the first part of your thread I thought, instead of looking at the things you haven't accomplished, look at what you have been successful doing. We all fail at things. My first year at college was a disaster, two F's and 3 D's. I finished my senior year with A's and B's. Everything takes time, that's why members have suggested having some sort of plan.

    Years ago I thought about changing careers and since I was working full time, I started taking college courses in accounting, and because of time restraints, I took them one course at a time. If you want your GED, take that first course: just one. Challenge yourself and you might be surprised. Think about getting a part time job, the simpler the better. Sometimes the best course of action is to do just one small positive thing. That way you're going forward instead of standing still.

    A few months ago I decided that there were some things I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to start writing again and I wanted to learn some new and difficult pieces on the piano. I've done both and it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. It just has to be one, simple enough thing.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AnalogRTO View Post
    With regards to planning, understand that making plans is not a bad thing, you'll want to have that sort of forethought as you move through life. Saving money for a car, house, retirement, etc. is 'making plans'. I think what is more important is to understand that 'life happens' for better or worse. My wife and I always are setting money aside for an emergency slush fund; when we're planning on doing something for a while and suddenly the car breaks, or one of the kids gets sick, or something around the house needs fixed, that changes plans appropriately.

    As for learning who you are, that discovery may come to some people at 25, some at 18, some never figure it out. It's not so much that you change the type of person you are, but you learn what you want to do and be in life. Worry less about what other people think of you; there is truly only one person who you can control in this world and it is yourself. If people have unrealistically high expectations of you, they stand to be disappointed. Don't succeed because others want you to, do it because you want to. I grew up under a mother who wanted me to follow the plans she had for my life. I walked away from that, disappointing her severely. I often heard how choosing my own path was going to be disastrous. I laughed inside when, after I bought my first house, my mother tried arguing the tax bracket I was in and it came out that at 27 I now made more than her and my stepfather combined. My path worked out quite well.

    There are people who will talk to you and help you, there are people you want to make proud by accomplishing things. Don't be afraid of getting help when you need it and it's available. Also, don't let yourself fall into a trap of doing things just to make someone else feel good.
    I can see saving money more as common sense than planning, maybe that's just my perspective. I have known for awhile that what I wanted to do is to design video games. That has been my dream since career day, years ago. People tend to hold me to a higher standard and I can
    t keep up with it. My very best can either be the best thing ever for some, or the very worst in the eyes of others. My mother is the same way now... I hope my life works out as yours seems to have. I don't want to make anyone proud... I gave up on that dream. I don't need to be validated by anyone, I'll validate myself. I don't measure up to what people want and I hope I never meet someone's expectations. I always have been afraid of asking for advice, especially when I need it... even asking on this site is a new thing for me. I also have already fallen into the deepest parts of that trap... pardon me while I try to escape it. I just can't stop helping others even when I'm falling apart.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Total loss? Nah.

    I think you're reading too much into "plan". I'm not talking about some elaborate 20 year outline of your life, although that's a useful exercise now and then, just to see how the things you're doing now fit in. Everything requires a certain amount of "plan" or you end up running around in unproductive circles. I have to fix part of the gutters on my house. First step in the plan is to get up on the ladder to eyeball the job. Next, measure the bad sections, count up the number of joints I'll need, estimate the number of hangers. Write all that down, THEN go to the hardware store. Not doing that means multiple trips to get more, or a bunch of stuff left over that I've paid for but don't need. Then I either have to return it or it clutters up my garage. Oh.... and measuring the inside of my car before I plunk down the cash to be sure I can get a 10' section of gutter inside (I can...)

    Sometimes things you do today are somewhat determined by things you did or didn't do in the past, eg, you have to get a GED because you didn't finish school, but that isn't really changing the past. A matter of semantics I suppose. You can't go back in time and change your decisions, but you can study now, and go take the GED test in the future.

    Some things require a significant amount of advance planning. Doing the Chicago marathon for example... aside from all the training involved, entry slots sell out almost a year in advance. Training, signing up and paying an entry fee isn't a complicated plan, but you do have to think about it well ahead of time.

    Motivating yourself by sharing goals and plans with others works well for some people and some endeavors. It works for me for some things, but not others. I have to be careful what plans I share with Mrs. Maxx. She tries to help, means well, but ends up running around in circles and distracting me with irrelevant suggestions, so I have to waste time explaining things and in some cases undoing what she's done before I can get back to the actual project. Her motto seems to be "fire, aim, ready", although she is getting better. After 35 years, I've managed to convince her that a tape measure is a valuable tool.

    A plan doesn't mean rigidity. Inevitably circumstances change, or factors pop up that you didn't know about. Advance planning reduces the starts and stops by at least accounting for the things that ARE knowable. Examples: Looking at a map before you get in a car to go someplace, watching a couple of youtube videos and reading the Chilton's before starting in on a car repair, or going to the DMV website to find out what fees and ID are required to replace a lost license.

    Knowing yourself and your limitations is important. Knowledge doesn't imply surrender. I'm an introvert, so I know I have to be wary of letting myself become too withdrawn or isolated. I have no intentions of becoming a social butterfly, but I do have to work at maintaining social skills and contacts to achieve certain things I want. Knowing you're an "in the moment" guy means you need to think about taking a deep breath before diving in, and consider whether you can just go with it, or go down the cliff and check to see if the water's deep enough.

    At the same time, you have to be careful not to overanalyze, same as I do.
    I might be, I'm not a fan of the word 'plan' as my plans and other's plans for my life have not worked out so far. My issue is I try to do everything at once and I want my life better right this moment... I know I can't do that. I get tangled in my own spiderweb of words that end up hanging me.

    As far as marathons go I think I've been subconsciously training for one, several years in the making. I know that it's just an example, but I was drawn to what you said because I have always wanted to run a marathon just to say I could, I wouldn't care what place I got, just that I did it. I seem to have a simliar mentality that It has to be done as soon as the idea comes up... I know I'm still learning and I keep saying that I will always be learning. Yet somehow people think I am arrogant or that I think I'm somehow better than anyone else... which I have never believed. My low self esteem can attest to the fact that I feel less valuable than everyone else and I feel what I say and do is unimportant. (It's funny because the situations you mentioned actually happened to me, I lost the replacement license that I had).

    Limitations? Oh boy do I have a lot of those... as an introvert myself I know where you're coming from... at least a little bit. The thing is I overthink and over-analyze everything and I hate that I do but I can't seem to stop or at least slow down. My thoughts are always racing and seem to slow down when I focus on something intently. I know what you're thinking... ADD or ADHD right? Well the thing is I don't have either. I've already been diagnosed and that's not just by one but two therapists. Long term depression or dythimia or whatever it is... I have had it long before I even hit puberty and I know this because of what I remember. I always felt down, I didn't like what I saw in the mirror... I cried a lot and was in strong emotional pain... or I was totally numb and dry eyed. I may or may not have PTSD... it doesn't have to come from a warzone or a crazy accident but it often does. What if constant stress and pressure as well as bullying... just didn't stop until it was too late and the damage was done.... am I always going to be broken? A misfit toy with no place in Santa's sleigh? A key without a lock? I sure hope not. I know PTSD is no laughing matter nor is it something to self diagnose but all I can say is that I just have the symtoms of it and without an offical diagnoses I'll just say I'm a pained individual who's trying to fix his broken pieces. I'm so far out of my comfort zone... my comfort zone was permenently lost when I lost my old home that I lived in for 18 years... it took out such a huge chunk of my heart I feel like I had to get a brand new heart just to feel again.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Fruitkitty View Post
    Look, you've clearly stumbled out of the gate, but you're still at the very beginning of the race.

    We mythologize this idea that everybody who's anybody goes straight into college then graduates and starts a career before they're 23, when only a third of people even finish a 4-year degree. That means the majority of people end up starting at the bottom of the ladder in their late teens and early 20s.

    What that means for you is that once you get on your feet, you're going to be like pretty much everyone else. A slow start in the first couple of years of adulthood doesn't dictate or significantly alter your destiny.
    The problem I have is I don't even want to start the race. I want to wait at the starting line, back up, and say I ran the whole race. I would only get laughed at and told that I cheated but I just don't want to fight anymore. I have no competitive spirit.. I feel like It was drowned out of me. I may not have the worst life ever but this has been no cakewalk. I know I'm going to be fine but knowing does not change how I feel about life. I find so little joy in living and the things that make me happy I can't have... I'm stuck where I am and it looks like I'm going to have to fall a little deeper to start to look up and see that this hole is really a tunnel instead of staring at the darkness, to see that there is light in this life. Seeing my fiance and a few select friends are the only things that make me feel truly happy. Due to recent events that, has become difficult. Today though... I hope to start getting my GED.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by caitianx View Post
    I am in my second career as a disability civil rights activist.
    It took me a long time to find my true calling.
    I used to think of myself as a failure, but no more.
    Premetheus, please try not to be so darn hard on yourself.
    Finding fulfillment in life takes time.
    I don't really want fulfillment in life... I just want to be okay for once. Not good, not great, maybe just a little happy.... but at the very least... just okay. I'm hard on myself because nothing I do seems to be enough for anyone. I know I'm saying all of this because my perspective is narrow but It's what I have in my thoughts.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    When I read the first part of your thread I thought, instead of looking at the things you haven't accomplished, look at what you have been successful doing. We all fail at things. My first year at college was a disaster, two F's and 3 D's. I finished my senior year with A's and B's. Everything takes time, that's why members have suggested having some sort of plan.

    Years ago I thought about changing careers and since I was working full time, I started taking college courses in accounting, and because of time restraints, I took them one course at a time. If you want your GED, take that first course: just one. Challenge yourself and you might be surprised. Think about getting a part time job, the simpler the better. Sometimes the best course of action is to do just one small positive thing. That way you're going forward instead of standing still.

    A few months ago I decided that there were some things I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to start writing again and I wanted to learn some new and difficult pieces on the piano. I've done both and it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. It just has to be one, simple enough thing.
    My plan? It's not really a plan... more something I need to do. Take life one day at a time because everything can change in a moment, I'm always expecting everything to go wrong so if it does I'll just be right for once. I am usually wrong about things and when I'm right I second guess myself and screw things up. Today my one goal is to get my GED classes started... I've been trying to do this for months. I keep letting my lack of motivation and how I feel get in the way... I'm scared of people... it's my second of only two fears (1. Social anxiety 2. myself succeeding in anything/myself). I really hope I do this today.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    As far as marathons go I think I've been subconsciously training for one, several years in the making. I know that it's just an example, but I was drawn to what you said because I have always wanted to run a marathon just to say I could, I wouldn't care what place I got, just that I did it. I seem to have a simliar mentality that It has to be done as soon as the idea comes up... I know I'm still learning and I keep saying that I will always be learning. Yet somehow people think I am arrogant or that I think I'm somehow better than anyone else... which I have never believed. My low self esteem can attest to the fact that I feel less valuable than everyone else and I feel what I say and do is unimportant. (It's funny because the situations you mentioned actually happened to me, I lost the replacement license that I had).
    If/when a marathon moves from your"someday" list to "yes I'm going to do it", you have resources here to get you on the right path (pun intended). I know Starrunner is a runner, and there are others here as well. Be forewarned that, if you're not a runner now, first thing I'd tell you is start with 5k/10k and target a marathon 2 years in the future. It takes time and miles for muscles, bones, tendons, and cardiovascular system to adapt to that sort of abuse. Remember that Phidippides died. Respect the distance.



    My plan? It's not really a plan... more something I need to do. Take life one day at a time because everything can change in a moment, I'm always expecting everything to go wrong so if it does I'll just be right for once. I am usually wrong about things and when I'm right I second guess myself and screw things up. Today my one goal is to get my GED classes started... I've been trying to do this for months. I keep letting my lack of motivation and how I feel get in the way... I'm scared of people... it's my second of only two fears (1. Social anxiety 2. myself succeeding in anything/myself). I really hope I do this today.
    You know what you want, you know the obstacles you have to overcome. No advice from me necessary.
    Last edited by Maxx; 09-Oct-2015 at 14:22.

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