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Thread: My OCD is making me want to legitimately kill myself

  1. #1

    Default My OCD is making me want to legitimately kill myself

    I suffer from OCD, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The worst thing are the thoughts, the intrusive, unwanted, unceasing thoughts that will rear their ugly head at the worst possible time.

    Thoughts of murder, rape, or worse, child molestation. The kind of thing I would NEVER actually do, I end up thinking and obsessing over.

    I just want the torment to end. I don't want to feel like I have to make it up to somebody for something I never did. I feel like I have to go above and beyond to prove that I am not a monster, as if I had already committed an unspeakable deed.

    It sometimes gets so bad that I legitimately wished I could down a bunch of my pills, or put a gun to my head. I end up sobbing over it.

    I'm legitimately tormented, particularly about my fiance's niece, the sweetest, most wonderful 6 year old you could ever meet. I love her to death and would NEVER hurt her or violate her or defile her in any way, but I just have these horrible thoughts, unspeakable thoughts. I feel like I have to exonerate myself for a crime I've never committed.

    Please help me.

  2. #2

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    These thoughts don't mean anything. Somebody very close to me has this exact issue, and things have gotten better over time. You have these thoughts, yes, but the fact that you don't willingly proves that you're not a monster. The fact that you hate them so much proves that you're not a monster. If I have a cockroach in my house but that doesn't make me the cockroach queen, just as these thoughts don't make you a bad person. It may get hard, sure, and I can't say for 100% sure that they'll go away, but I can say that it's at least worth a fight. Maybe getting a therapist of some sort will help out? Someone you can safely vent to and get advice from?

    Again though, just remember that you're not a monster, you're not having them willingly. Much love and support <3

  3. #3

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    I keep having these thoughts of bathing a kid, or things of that nature, in an almost positive light. Then I catch myself and wonder why the fuck I am thinking those things.

    Where does OCD end and your own desires begin?

  4. #4

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    As someone who suffers from OCD and the same kinds of intrusive thoughts, you are not alone.

    My therapist explained to me that actually, EVERYONE has these kinds of thoughts as random things passing through, but most people don't notice them because they're so brief. With certain types of OCD, your brain latches onto them instead of immediately letting them go like a neurotypical person would. When these intrusive thoughts strike, remind yourself that it's not really "your" conscious thoughts, your brain is just having difficulty sorting through the trash.

    It helps to remember that just because you're thinking of something does not mean you're actually going to go out and do it. These thoughts are just trash. Make an effort to give less importance to them than you are now. I know, it's easier said than done, but it CAN be done.

    There are also some medications you might be able to take that can lessen OCD and intrusive thoughts, talk with a doctor about them.

    Also, thoughts of bathing a child are not necessarily sexual, and may just be a desire to want to spend time with them. You're not a monster, I promise!

  5. #5

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    Do you have the resources to go visit a therapist? I think it would be a really important thing to do. Like ModdedPrincess said, you are not a monster. Please find a way to stop the suicidal thoughts, maybe there is some sort of change of habit that you can make so that when your disturbing thoughts come to mind, you can go do something to try and distract from them, clean, exorcise, listen to loud music, paint.

    I can't say that I am personally that great at removing random spawning thoughts from my head that I am ashamed of, I used to think I had that all the time, but then later I learned that my thoughts were not actually bad, and that I had just been taught to be afraid of them. In this case though, I would say that thoughts of rape or child molestation is a different situation.

    From my agnostic perspective, I'm going to state something that you might not like:



    Quote Originally Posted by Crinklesaurus View Post
    Where does OCD end and your own desires begin?
    (Edit: following paragraph is just of personal ideology, I'm not saying it as matter of fact)
    I'd say that there is no partition between the two, your thoughts of rape and molestation, are at some level an interest/curiosity, I wouldn't call it a desire though, because that would mean that you fully want it. Right now you are in conflict over it, which I think is where lies the good in you, the fact that you are making an effort to fight it. Everybody has their monsters, but if you don't let it take control of you, then it doesn't define you. I look at the body and mind as the chemical mix-mash of DNA selection and evolutionary randomization that it scientifically is. It isn't your fault that you are OCD, but it is the cards that you get. It probably isn't your fault that you have these thoughts either. You are 22 and still in a height of hormones, sexual gratification is still maddening, and it piles up until it is released, it is also not your fault that you are a sexual creature.

    But knowing that you are driven by hormones, doesn't mean that you have to give into them, and be the monster that you fear, it just means that you need to manage them. I know a lot of people are religiously driven to avoid masturbation, if you are avoiding this activity, I would highly suggest you get over it and realize that your junk is constantly producing sperm, and it has to be pushed out at some point of time. Regularizing sexual relief by giving yourself a schedule to masturbate, even if you don't want to for the first while, can actually help make the sexual drive less pressing. In my own experience, I found that holding back my sexual gratification, just made it that much more maddening, but now that it is a more regular thing, it is a bit more boring, and I can actually go about my regular life without thinking about sex.

    I know I got a little f'd up in the head once when I saw a person trying to commit suicide by cutting himself with 3 different knives, and ever since, I have a hard time looking at serrated blades, but I also noticed that I get random, knife murderous thoughts, it is really disturbing, and I have no earthly clue where it comes from, but rather than say, "Well shit, I'm a monster," i instead say to myself, "ugh, gross," and then move on to thinking about something else. The more time you spend obsessing over something, trying to figure out where the thought came from, and then contemplating why it came to you, the more time you spend THINKING about it, which is what you don't want, unless you are under the assistance of a therapist. Instead, just remember to yourself that you are prone to these kind of thoughts, and then take actions to avoid them. I personally try my best to be as peaceful of a person that I can, and do my best to make sure my life is as calm as I can make it, because I realize that I am prone to violent anger (when I was a kid, I almost clocked another kid with a log, he lucked out with a cut on his forehead).

    Instead of looking at yourself as, "I'm a monster," look at yourself as, "I'm prone to forced sexual activities," and then lets look at what that really means. At some extent you are a dominant, and in many fetish lifestyles, that is actually an acceptable thing. You will actually find people who want to have a sexual relationship with their partner that consists of appearing to be raped. Obviously these are in the context of consent, but still, they want the feeling of it. What I look at this as, is that you might feel better about yourself, when you acknowledge that you have a dominant behavior mustering inside of you, and that you have to, and can, contain it under the bounds of consent. Spend time learning how important it is, and building a deep respect, for a person's ability and right to choose what they do with their life, and their ability of agency and consent. Instead of being mad at yourself for wanting empowered sex, be mad at others for taking advantage of people who didn't want it. Build up a reverence towards the animal inside, and learn how to tame it so it doesn't go wild on you, by either being starved to madness, or carelessly freed from it's leash. There are a lot of people on fetlife, who look for somebody who are into forceful sexual activities, these are consenting individuals, and there is nothing wrong with that when both parties are actually wanting it.

    Id say the real elephant in the room, is the thoughts about child molestation. I feel really bad for pedophiles actually, because I really bet that it isn't something that they just up and choose to be into, something must have happened during puberty to jack them up. The problem is, that when your brain makes a synaptic pathway for sexual activities, it really is a tough bond to break, at least from what I understand. Based on a documentary "Are all men pedophiles" on Netflix, I'd say that there are just some people who are pedophiles, who recognize it, and make the proper efforts to avoid it, and thereby live healthy respectable lives. Human history has a weird past though, and pedophilia in ancient cultures was sometimes accepted as normal. I'm not saying that it is an excuse to say it is OK, what i'm saying, is there is probably blood in a lot of us, that stems from people of that cultural past, that we have no choice but to learn to deal with it. Humanity has taken a long time to improve what it's sense of morals are defined as, and realistically, humanity has improved a lot from our past history, and we can't be upset that we aren't perfect, just be glad that we are better. Be glad that you haven't done anything to a child.

    What I question, is if you remember having any experience during your childhood that could have spawned these types of thoughts? Or if you have heard of a history within your family of people who might have been more prone to these types of activities?

    Don't be ashamed of what pops in your head, the vast majority of what caused it to be there, isn't your fault, instead, be ashamed of what you do with it, if you do something wrong with it, otherwise, you are one of many human beings who is just trying to find peace and happiness, in a culture that has developed a specific set of acceptable and non-acceptable rules, that fortunately are pretty liberal, but really, sit on the bounds that people's right to choose should be respected.
    Last edited by Tyger; 05-Oct-2015 at 02:19.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Crinklesaurus View Post
    I suffer from OCD, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The worst thing are the thoughts, the intrusive, unwanted, unceasing thoughts that will rear their ugly head at the worst possible time.

    [...]

    I just want the torment to end. I don't want to feel like I have to make it up to somebody for something I never did. I feel like I have to go above and beyond to prove that I am not a monster, as if I had already committed an unspeakable deed.

    It sometimes gets so bad that I legitimately wished I could down a bunch of my pills, or put a gun to my head. I end up sobbing over it.

    I'm legitimately tormented[...] I just have these horrible thoughts, unspeakable thoughts. I feel like I have to exonerate myself for a crime I've never committed.

    Please help me.
    Crinklesaurus,

    There are a number of articles on-line, that speak to this sort of thing...

    Just as these thoughts disturb you; it frightens the uninitiated too... though you've got what I see to be some pretty good responses here; this appears to be some particularly complex issues to sort through...

    The biases are considerable and are probably a good portion of what confuses the issues... There are treatment options available... some such as various methods of what's known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), that may appear as questionable at first glance... However, there seems to be good indication for working with the OCD aspects alone and, in consideration of what we call Dark Thoughts which, what you are experiencing seems to be.

    What I've read on some of the ERP modalities, appears quite counter-intuitive to me... Understand though, I have no practical experience with this...

    I'm sure that these Dark Thoughts are quite disturbing to you and, I can only recommend that you seek competent professional help, from those who specialize in OCD... I wouldn't worry about the particular thoughts that you are having as it takes away from the base issue created by the OCD...

    Preoccupation of these thoughts does not necessarily indicate interest or intent of actions...

    It could be something of a symbolic nature... comparable to dreaming... that may or may not have any literal significance to things that have or have not happened in your past... or, any foretelling of the future...

    My best recommendation would be to not make any assumptions particularly, if you know that you aren't going to act out any of this imagery...

    We do support you as best we can and, though there is developing information to suggest that this online support, can be more significantly useful than previously considered... I believe that this particular instance with the intrusive Dark Thoughts, should most certainly be observed and handled in an in-person professional setting... along with peer support both, on-line and in in-person relations...

    We can help to assure you in knowing that you have some venue to express yourself in comfort among the caring and those desiring your relief of this torment...

    May peace of mind be with you very soon!

    -Marka

  7. #7

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    There has been so much of value stated that I have just this to say. I'm somewhat OCD as well, and have a constant stream of conversation going on inside my head. Some of it can be disturbing, but look at what we are surrounded by in our society. We are constantly bombarded by input from a dozen different kinds of media, be it TV, radio, Ipads, smart phones. The stream never stops and anything and everything comes to us. Television makes light of murder, rape, war. We hear horrible things in songs and rap and we think we become desensitized to it, but do we?

    I eventually learned that the disturbing stuff turning over in my head is simply a fiction regurgitated by my brain. No one else is part of this nor wants to take part in it. It simply is fiction. On the other side of this coin, I also talk to God, all the time. Sometimes I'll play simple computer games just to stop my mind. Often I read. On the positive side, I write fiction, letting that part of my mind be creative. As a musician I also will spend an hour or two practicing and playing piano.

    You simply have to except the trash as simply that: trash. Find something else to do to occupy your mind and put the voices on hold. If all else fails, seek some professional help, even just a medical doctor, because there are meds that can help.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Crinklesaurus View Post
    Where does OCD end and your own desires begin?
    I have to apologize, I think I went a little dramatic and overboard in my reply to this particular issue. I just tend to get a little too dug into ideas because I have spent a lot of time recently questioning everything about life.

    Anyway Crinklesaurus, your not a terrible person, you are a good person, and that is the main thing.

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