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Thread: I think... I might have been... molested

  1. #1

    Exclamation I think... I might have been... molested

    This memory keeps coming back... it's fuzzy and fragile. I don't know why I'm remembering it now of all times. From what I do recall it was when I was 11 so.. 8 years ago. I was with my family, we were driving somewhere that I don't remember. I went to use the bathroom, after I'd gone I was washing my hands and some guy came in and saw me. He said something.. all I remember was lips moving then suddenly feeling his hand on my genitals playing with them. I didn't move, I think my heart was pounding and I was scared. Someone else came in shortly after and he withdrew his hand fast enough and the other guy didn't see him. I finished washing my hands then... it just repeats. The whole memory I mean. I think I kept washing my hands then left but I can't be sure. I think I washed my hands more than once and kept leaving the bathroom and coming back and washing my hands. After who knows how many times I got back in the car and sat in silence. Even that I'm not sure of.... the guy had a red shirt, khaki pants and brown boots. That's all I remember of his appearance. Whether this memory is real or not I do not know... I just know that it keeps coming back up in my head.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    This memory keeps coming back... it's fuzzy and fragile. I don't know why I'm remembering it now of all times. From what I do recall it was when I was 11 so.. 8 years ago. I was with my family, we were driving somewhere that I don't remember. I went to use the bathroom, after I'd gone I was washing my hands and some guy came in and saw me. He said something.. all I remember was lips moving then suddenly feeling his hand on my genitals playing with them. I didn't move, I think my heart was pounding and I was scared. Someone else came in shortly after and he withdrew his hand fast enough and the other guy didn't see him. I finished washing my hands then... it just repeats. The whole memory I mean. I think I kept washing my hands then left but I can't be sure. I think I washed my hands more than once and kept leaving the bathroom and coming back and washing my hands. After who knows how many times I got back in the car and sat in silence. Even that I'm not sure of.... the guy had a red shirt, khaki pants and brown boots. That's all I remember of his appearance. Whether this memory is real or not I do not know... I just know that it keeps coming back up in my head.
    For comparison...

    I was first 13, then again around 19-years old... when I recalled a similar event, of when I was around 5-years old...

    We hear about the pitfalls of repressed memories and such...

    What you describe, sounds very much to me... as an actual recounting event...

    There's nothing sensational or explicit... yet, you remember things like the clothing and, odd little attachments of memory... (probably odors too?)

    It also could explain very much, your skewed perspectives... The challenge of intellect and what may be a type of emotional lability...

    I wish that I didn't believe you... for both of our conveniences... And yet, I do believe that this is a genuine event...

    AND... it's something I strongly recommend that you get immediate counsel for...

    I hope that you'll get your Dad involved too...

    If you thought you were having a difficult time before this... you should know, that it can get worse, before it get's better... BUT, that should not deter you from working through this! Do not suppress it either... as I did, when at 13-years of age... that only prolongs the inevitable...

    While it's technically too soon to jump for joy in your honor... I think that you've hit on a huge stumbling-block of your life... You have to know that the freedom that awaits you... is immense!...

    Okay, I don't want to leave you hanging...

    I'm here for you, perhaps more now than before!
    -Marka

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    For comparison...

    I was first 13, then again around 19-years old... when I recalled a similar event, of when I was around 5-years old...

    We hear about the pitfalls of repressed memories and such...

    What you describe, sounds very much to me... as an actual recounting event...

    There's nothing sensational or explicit... yet, you remember things like the clothing and, odd little attachments of memory... (probably odors too?)

    It also could explain very much, your skewed perspectives... The challenge of intellect and what may be a type of emotional lability...

    I wish that I didn't believe you... for both of our conveniences... And yet, I do believe that this is a genuine event...

    AND... it's something I strongly recommend that you get immediate counsel for...

    I hope that you'll get your Dad involved too...

    If you thought you were having a difficult time before this... you should know, that it can get worse, before it get's better... BUT, that should not deter you from working through this! Do not suppress it either... as I did, when at 13-years of age... that only prolongs the inevitable...

    While it's technically too soon to jump for joy in your honor... I think that you've hit on a huge stumbling-block of your life... You have to know that the freedom that awaits you... is immense!...

    Okay, I don't want to leave you hanging...

    I'm here for you, perhaps more now than before!
    -Marka
    I want to believe my brain is just making it up... I don't want to live knowing someone did that to me. How can I even move through something like this? I wish the memory would just have never came up. I want to forget it forever... beyond supression I just want it gone. I know I have to move through it but I just... it makes me understand now why I am so feminine... he said something that I don't remember but it made me feel like a girl. I think he was trying to make me gay? I don't know but whatever he was doing it failed to accomplish what he wanted. Unless making me a feminine male was his goal.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I want to believe my brain is just making it up... I don't want to live knowing someone did that to me. How can I even move through something like this? I wish the memory would just have never came up. I want to forget it forever... beyond supression I just want it gone. I know I have to move through it but I just... it makes me understand now why I am so feminine... he said something that I don't remember but it made me feel like a girl. I think he was trying to make me gay? I don't know but whatever he was doing it failed to accomplish what he wanted. Unless making me a feminine male was his goal.
    I wouldn't give him too much power of thought... My guess would be, he saw an easy target (opportunistic)... and, likely thought nothing more than his own thrill...

    Alright, time for a more specific set of resources...

    Starting with: RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.

    Rape Abuse Incest National Network

    Before you say "yeah, but..."

    In the numbers of people that I have talked with that ranged from having violent attacks to, a single known event of molestation... whether they were familiar with the perpetrators or not is, there are a number of psychological dynamics, similarly experienced across the board...

    Depression, anxiety, panic-attacks, PTSD, BPD, and others are quite common... and, they can occur from other life events too; such as, war, natural disasters, other psychological and physical abuse and major disruptions or disturbances of normal life...



    About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline

    Need help?
    Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

    How does it work?
    When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have the option to enter the zip code of their current location to more accurately locate the nearest sexual assault service provider.

    How can the hotline help me?
    Calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline gives you access to a range of free services including:

    Confidential, judgment-free support from a trained staff member
    Support finding a local health facility that is trained to care for survivors of sexual assault and offers services like sexual assault forensic exams
    Someone to help you talk through what happened
    Local resources that can assist with your next steps toward healing and recovery
    Referrals for long term support in your area
    Information about the laws in your area
    Basic information about medical concerns

    Is it confidential?
    The National Sexual Assault Hotline is a safe, confidential service. When you call the hotline, only the first six numbers of the phone number are used to route the call, and your complete phone number is never stored in our system. Most states do have laws that require local staff to contact authorities in certain situations, like if there is a child or vulnerable adult who is in danger.

    While almost all callers are connected directly to a staff member or volunteer at a local sexual assault service provider, a handful of providers use an answering service after daytime business hours. This service helps manage the flow of calls. If all staff members are busy, you may choose to leave a phone number with the answering service. In this case, the number will be confidential and will be given directly to the organization’s staff member for a callback. If you reach an answering service, you can try calling back after some time has passed, or you can choose to call during regular business hours when more staff members are available. You can also access 24/7 help online by visiting online.rainn.org.
    *I'll return in an hour or so...*

    With you,
    -Marka

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    I wouldn't give him too much power of thought... My guess would be, he saw an easy target (opportunistic)... and, likely thought nothing more than his own thrill...

    Alright, time for a more specific set of resources...

    Starting with: RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.

    Rape Abuse Incest National Network

    Before you say "yeah, but..."

    In the numbers of people that I have talked with that ranged from having violent attacks to, a single known event of molestation... whether they were familiar with the perpetrators or not is, there are a number of psychological dynamics, similarly experienced across the board...

    Depression, anxiety, panic-attacks, PTSD, BPD, and others are quite common... and, they can occur from other life events too; such as, war, natural disasters, other psychological and physical abuse and major disruptions or disturbances of normal life...



    *I'll return in an hour or so...*

    With you,
    -Marka
    I'll... I'll think about getting help... this is all a lot to process.

  6. #6

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    Oddly enough, I had a flashback memory today from when I was 11. The radio was playing that old song, "I'm going to Put a Spell On You" and I remembered watching scary movies at night with my mom's boss's son. He was a year and a half older than me, and we'd do sleep overs. We'd always watch scary movies late at night on TV and we'd both get scared. He'd act scared and grab me and hold me and we'd be very close. He'd also insist that we hold hands. Who knows what he did when we finally went to sleep. There's a reason I say that.

    His mom had a beach house and I would stay with them during the summer. She'd leave us for a couple of days, give us money for food while she drove up to northern New Jersey to play the horses. Stevie would talk me into taking showers with him, and then he'd insist that I wash him, and by that I mean, all of him. He would do the same to me. Eventually he moved on to mutual masturbation, something that I resisted.

    Anyway, the scary movie events hit me today. I hadn't remembered watching them with him and the closeness in a long while. To be sure, these memories are suppressed in the sense that I'm suddenly remembering them. I simply buried them and moved on. I remember when I was with him, though. I wanted to be with him because he was a tough little kid, and he was cool, sort of fun to be with much of the time. But he could also be very controlling and then I felt very insecure. It just leaves me with a feeling of confusion, wondering about myself more than about him.

    The best advise I can give you, not being a professional, is try to find ways to let go of it so that you can move on. It was a one time event and you survived without too much going on. The strange man was the one with the problem, not you. You did nothing wrong. You were simply his victim and more aptly, his prey. Forgive him so that it doesn't devour you, because you're worth something, and he's just a passing memory in the night.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I'll... I'll think about getting help... this is all a lot to process.
    Thank you... yes it is a lot to process!

    It really is, it really is... man! It's worth it... it doesn't happen overnight (you knew that)... Gawd, if I could save you half the trouble and torment over so many years... then what I and, others have experienced...

    You'll have to do the work... though, never alone again (unless you choose otherwise)...

    The resources and information are getting so much better now too...

    Will you talk to your Dad about it? I'm hoping that you will... maybe give yourself some time with this first but, not too much time...

    I'll continue to try to find good resources to tap into...

    It's okay to cry... maybe even necessary for a while...

    I am sorry for your pain... I truly am...

    If I didn't point it out earlier... there are also text-chat options available from the websites listed...

    RAINN-CHAT

    National Crisis Helpline-Chat

    Use your resources, kid

    With you still,
    -Marka
    Last edited by Marka; 29-Sep-2015 at 20:24.

  8. #8

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    It's not your fault being innocence in this .
    We don't understand what is happening at the time thing's like this happen.
    Mine was worse they are getting there cheep thrill .
    So yes you will feel shame anger hate feeling dirty inside.

    Been there done that's why I'm an ab .
    But the one thing is I'm a better then he is or was .
    So are you yes I have lived with this a long time .
    Try not to dwell on this ok. I remember it all sorry brings up feeling when I think about it.
    You must forgive yourself for a very long time I wonder ed what I could have done deferent.
    Just know it not you .
    I know it's not much help .
    All the best.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I want to believe my brain is just making it up
    Entirely possible. Brains do things like that sometimes. The feeling of deja vu...some believe that's the brain mistakenly interpreting a current input as a memory and presenting it to you that way.

    Or maybe its the memory of a dream that your brain has mistakenly identified as a real occurrence.

    I have a vivid memory of a dream...where I died in a house fire. Some years later, I narrowly escaped a house fire, with many of the details very similar to the dream. Was it premonition? or a personal software glitch? Now, 30 years later, I can't be sure that my memory of the dream isn't a false recycling of memory of the event. Other people can confirm the fire actually happened, no one can confirm my dream, since I don't think I told anyone about it before the actual fire.

    Doesn't matter I suppose, although both memories have left me conscious of fire prevention and safety, especially in regards to electriicity.

    The brain might also be acting as a powerful probability calculator. Despite the fact that I try to be rational at all times, I tend to pay attention to strong gut feelings, dreams, or things that seem like premonitions. Over the years I can point to a number of instances where I've done things like leave a party minutes before the police show up.... or deciding not to go to an event that ends up ravaged by a tornado.

    Or maybe there are guardian angels.....




    .. I don't want to live knowing someone did that to me. How can I even move through something like this?
    Someone with a positive mental attitude like yours would realize there's nothing you can do about it now, years after the fact. Whether it really happened or not, its just a memory, nothing more. Time spent thinking about it is time not spent on your current goals, or at least on something more productive or enjoyable. Truth is, if it did happen, there isn't much you could have done at the time to change it.

    Long term issue? I imagine you'll regard gas station restrooms with disgust, which is how most normal people view them.

    P.S. Sorry Marka, I'm generally not one for psychobabble or navel contemplation, but its fine that you've given our boy resources if he is.

    Personally, I don't think one dimly remembered event like this rises to the level of ptsd. Blown up in Afghanistan, gunned down on the streets of Chicago, different deal. I would think his problem is more related to dwelling on the memory than the event itself. If it actually happened.
    Last edited by Maxx; 29-Sep-2015 at 15:55.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I think he was trying to make me gay? I don't know but whatever he was doing it failed to accomplish what he wanted. Unless making me a feminine male was his goal.
    This may not help, but honesty and clarity is important. I doubt his concerns were anything about what he wanted to become of you. He was having a random encounter with a little boy. He was a pedophile, and he was taking advantage of you being alone. Since you were in a public restroom, he was probably looking for a quick fix, there would be too many people around for him to do something more to you in there, or worse, kidnap you.

    Like Marka has suggested, you should probably look for professional help to make sure what happened and if this was just a weird dream or reality. If you have a good relationship with your parents, maybe you can ask them if they remember you acting funny that day, and walking in and out of the bathroom.

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