I've been dealing with severe depression and anxiety through out most of my life. As time has gone on it has slowly gotten worse. When i still had Insurance through the government (CHIPS) I ended up getting on some anti depressants, they would work for a little bit then stop working. i switched meds many times with little luck, i would still have mood swings and when i didn't i felt like a zombie, no emotions, no interest in anything i use to enjoy doing. After i turned 18 i lost my insurance through the government and had to stop taking anti depressants.
So things started to slowly go down hill again. While i was never diagnosed with it i believe i may be bi-polar, the doctor suggested it was possible but he wasnt sure himself. I've tried many things to cope with it. For the longest time weed seemed to help space out the amount of depressive mood swings i would get but just like the anti depressants it stopped working as well after a few years, instead it started to make me extremely paranoid and made my anxiety worse so i stopped. i went through a stage of heavy drinking after that on a daily basis.
At this point i i started (stupidly) using k2 while looking for another job since it doesnt show up on drug test. Became extremely addicted to it for about 2 years. at this point i started to have even worse depression, anxiety and paranoia but was so addicted and felt so hopeless at that point i didnt care what happened to me, i was just waiting to get a over sprayed batch and end up OD'ing on it. Well one night I did get that bad batch and Od'ed but didnt die. I ended up blacking out and having a psychotic break instead while on it and was screaming at someone who wasnt there. that being said i ended up waking up my family from this. and they were able to snap me out of it. I was so scare sh*tless i dropped it and never touched the stuff again after that, but was never the same after that. that hopeless depression, anxiety and paranoia stuck with me after quitting and i couldnt shake it. While im not a religious man i turned to spirituality and doing things to try to improve my mental health on my own since i couldnt afford to get back on anti depressants. (meditation, controlled breathing when i have anxiety attacks, trying to get myself to think more positively.)
But as everything else i feel like its not working again. I'm back to being severely depressed again, any stress some days will send me into a full blown anxiety attack which is followed shortly after by severe depression which happens alot at work when i get stressed out. Now im starting to loose interest in everything i use to love, Gaming, my favorite tv shows, diapers. I feel like i have no direction in life, my current job i dont make enough to get my own place I have major issues trusting people (I think its a result of the k2) so a roomate isnt an option. I've cut myself off from people lost most of my friends due to it. I want to find a new job so i can make more money and move out and get my life together but im too much of a mess right now nor have the ambition to look for another job.
I really want to better my life but ive lost all motivation to do so. While i do not feel suicidal i do think about death alot. about what comes after? is there life after death? is it better then this? Will i feel at peace? its more of a curiosity then a want to die. I know like every other time I can pull myself together again. I've coped with it for many years. but i cant seem to break this cycle of falling back into a deep depression and anxiety. If anyone can offer advice or have been through similar situations in regard of depression and anxiety i would appreciate it. I feel very hopeless, Like i'm going to have to deal with feeling this way for the rest of my life... All i want is to be at peace and be happy.
Edit: wanted to add that i am clean now, and was just stating past drug use since its apply s to the subject. if the mention of past drug use breaks any forum rules I'd be happy to remove this from my post (dont want to get in trouble ) but felt it was relevant to the situation on giving everyone a better picture of what ive gone through in my past.