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Thread: Clearly

  1. #1

    Lightbulb Clearly

    It has come to my attention that I must suffer a great deal of pain and misery at the hands of myself and others if I am to change. So in this post I will forgo responding negatively to advice. Tell me what I'm supposed to do, do not be afraid to be cruel because I've had enough of it in my life that I'm starting to build a tolerance. So vent your frustration with me, tell me what you dislike so I can try to change my bad behavior and can learn to strive to be a better person, man, Christian, human, and whatever else I may or may not be. Also use this time to point out the good so I may continue to do the good and change the bad habits starting today.
    Last edited by Premetheus; 25-Sep-2015 at 01:03.

  2. #2

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    I've read most of your topics and posts, and while I can't say I know your whole story, you do remind me of a good friend I have.

    He was pretty depressed, and he felt like he was going no where in life. Like you, he had no job, couldn't go to college, and essentially just spent his days sitting at home doing nothing. I couldn't cheer him up no matter what I did. I was always met with sadness, "what's the point", and after enough pestering, hostility. His problem was that he spent so much time proving to others about why he felt he was such a failure, that he ignored trying to change.

    Any time my other friends and I made any progress with him, it was completely destroyed the second anything negative happened. Bear with me for a minute with this comparison, but think of trying to get a frightened kitten out from underneath a car. It's very scared and feels that it has no choice but to stay under the car for safety It takes a LOT of coaxing, treats, and time to get it to slowly start to come out from underneath the car. However, you make one slight, sudden move, or a noise that's just a bit too loud, and the kitten darts back under the car and you have to start all over again. This is exactly what it was like helping my friend get his chin up.

    Went on a job-application spree? Doesn't get a call back the next day so he deems himself "unhireable" and quits searching.
    Took a practice placement test for college? Didn't understand some questions so he quits and says he's too dumb to ever get back into school.
    Got him to hang out with us and talk to a girl? Didn't get her number after the first conversation so he thinks he's ugly and sulks until we take him home, then refuses to come back out for a week.

    Anything bad that happened was amplified tenfold in his mind. His hope was so fragile, that if something didn't go exactly the way he wanted it to, he gave up. He didn't realize that recovering from such a deep "slump" takes time and a lot of trial and error. As much as he would have liked to, you can't just say "Okay, I'm going to try to improve myself again." And expect yourself to speed down a path of success. You're going to fail, probably a lot, on your recovery and improvement. But instead of giving up and going back to square one, you need to use those failures as a lesson. Learn from them. Study what didn't go right, and make adjustments. If you only "try" once a month, and spend the rest of the time in-between those attempts wallowing, you'll never improve. You have to be persistent, which can be tiring I know.

    It came to the point where he almost wanted to be down in the dumps all the time. I don't mean he literally enjoyed it, but he was so afraid of change and trying to succeed only to fail, that he felt more comfortable "being a failure" than being someone who tries only to fall flat on his face. He had an excuse for EVERYTHING. No matter what advice you gave him, no matter how well-thought out or heartfelt, he dismissed it with a depressing thought or comment. Although he didn't want to hear it, part of it was simply unintentional laziness. That old saying "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." has never been more appropriate. You need to build momentum and use that to push forward. Again, no one said it was going to be easy, but if you TRULY want change, you'll take baby steps and make progress.

    Keep trying to improve yourself, no matter what it may be. When you fail (and you will, best come to terms with that beforehand), don't get discouraged. Try again. Not a month later, not a week later, not a day later. Try again immediately after or as soon as physically possible. Even if you STILL don't succeed, you're keeping yourself active and productive, which will only help you. Don't make excuses. Period. Even if you have a perfectly acceptable one, can it and instead try to think of a reason why you SHOULD try anyway. Positive thoughts. Making excuses is easy, and becomes easier the more you do it. You want to avoid that and keep yourself from getting stuck in that loop.

    I hope this made sense and didn't just appear as some long babbling. I truly want to see you succeed. I hope this was at least somewhat inspirational, because while I don't necessarily understand what you're going through, I have seen it and know how tough it can be to deal with.

    Oh, and that friend now has a part time job, is going to community college, and lost a bit of weight as a bonus. He still has a ways to go, but he's improved immensely over the past couple of years. It's not easy, but if you give yourself a bit of tough love, you can really turn your whole outlook on life around.

    Good luck!

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnApple View Post
    I've read most of your topics and posts, and while I can't say I know your whole story, you do remind me of a good friend I have.

    He was pretty depressed, and he felt like he was going no where in life. Like you, he had no job, couldn't go to college, and essentially just spent his days sitting at home doing nothing. I couldn't cheer him up no matter what I did. I was always met with sadness, "what's the point", and after enough pestering, hostility. His problem was that he spent so much time proving to others about why he felt he was such a failure, that he ignored trying to change.

    Any time my other friends and I made any progress with him, it was completely destroyed the second anything negative happened. Bear with me for a minute with this comparison, but think of trying to get a frightened kitten out from underneath a car. It's very scared and feels that it has no choice but to stay under the car for safety It takes a LOT of coaxing, treats, and time to get it to slowly start to come out from underneath the car. However, you make one slight, sudden move, or a noise that's just a bit too loud, and the kitten darts back under the car and you have to start all over again. This is exactly what it was like helping my friend get his chin up.

    Went on a job-application spree? Doesn't get a call back the next day so he deems himself "unhireable" and quits searching.
    Took a practice placement test for college? Didn't understand some questions so he quits and says he's too dumb to ever get back into school.
    Got him to hang out with us and talk to a girl? Didn't get her number after the first conversation so he thinks he's ugly and sulks until we take him home, then refuses to come back out for a week.

    Anything bad that happened was amplified tenfold in his mind. His hope was so fragile, that if something didn't go exactly the way he wanted it to, he gave up. He didn't realize that recovering from such a deep "slump" takes time and a lot of trial and error. As much as he would have liked to, you can't just say "Okay, I'm going to try to improve myself again." And expect yourself to speed down a path of success. You're going to fail, probably a lot, on your recovery and improvement. But instead of giving up and going back to square one, you need to use those failures as a lesson. Learn from them. Study what didn't go right, and make adjustments. If you only "try" once a month, and spend the rest of the time in-between those attempts wallowing, you'll never improve. You have to be persistent, which can be tiring I know.

    It came to the point where he almost wanted to be down in the dumps all the time. I don't mean he literally enjoyed it, but he was so afraid of change and trying to succeed only to fail, that he felt more comfortable "being a failure" than being someone who tries only to fall flat on his face. He had an excuse for EVERYTHING. No matter what advice you gave him, no matter how well-thought out or heartfelt, he dismissed it with a depressing thought or comment. Although he didn't want to hear it, part of it was simply unintentional laziness. That old saying "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." has never been more appropriate. You need to build momentum and use that to push forward. Again, no one said it was going to be easy, but if you TRULY want change, you'll take baby steps and make progress.

    Keep trying to improve yourself, no matter what it may be. When you fail (and you will, best come to terms with that beforehand), don't get discouraged. Try again. Not a month later, not a week later, not a day later. Try again immediately after or as soon as physically possible. Even if you STILL don't succeed, you're keeping yourself active and productive, which will only help you. Don't make excuses. Period. Even if you have a perfectly acceptable one, can it and instead try to think of a reason why you SHOULD try anyway. Positive thoughts. Making excuses is easy, and becomes easier the more you do it. You want to avoid that and keep yourself from getting stuck in that loop.

    I hope this made sense and didn't just appear as some long babbling. I truly want to see you succeed. I hope this was at least somewhat inspirational, because while I don't necessarily understand what you're going through, I have seen it and know how tough it can be to deal with.

    Oh, and that friend now has a part time job, is going to community college, and lost a bit of weight as a bonus. He still has a ways to go, but he's improved immensely over the past couple of years. It's not easy, but if you give yourself a bit of tough love, you can really turn your whole outlook on life around.

    Good luck!
    As much as I want to believe that I'll be better someday it is hard to see it through the foggy haze of self doubt and doubting everyone around me whether they mean what they say or not. I am probably like your friend just one thing different, I don't enjoy living and I have not in 19 years. Was I born this way? No not really, I was made this way according to some but I don't want to blame anyone... what pisses me off is people don't take me literally when all I do is speak literally... I mean what I say and I say what I mean there is no hidden meaning... I'm sick of people picking up on things that are not there. Thank you for your comment, it was easy to read and believe me... I prefer longer, well thought out replies, over anything short.

  4. #4

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    I don't believe I can improve on what JohnApple said, but I'll add this. There are many of us who have suffered, both from others and also from the decisions we've made. At the end of the year 2000, I lost my job as a full time music director. We still had one child in college and my wife's health was beginning to deteriorate. To make matters worse, my dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer. To be honest, I had a suicide plan based on a date I had set in my mind.

    That said, I started answering job adds, lots of them. I also drove to our local community college and took 9 classes that I needed for teacher certification. I substitute taught and I got a part time job as a church music director. Eventually I passed a quick degree program for gaining teacher certification. I also landed a good paying, part time church music director job. As I revealed in another thread, I got picked up by a very good wedding band as their keyboardist.

    In the course of a year, I went from being at the end of my rope, to having three jobs. Now I'm retired, but I still have the church job, something that gives meaning to my life, and joy. I've heard it said many times that happiness is based on one's attitude, how one sees the world. Life is both amazing and cruel. If you are your own worst enemy, get out of your way. By that I mean, start making changes, both in how you see others and how you react to them. Sometimes it's better to listen to others than offer a lot of information. It's like taking a break from all the things that distress you. For tomorrow and then next few days, find one thing that interests you and has some future promise and work on that.

    I'm working on two meaningful projects at the moment. I'm writing one of my traditional spooky stories for this site and I'm working on a concert I wish to give. Today I was working on chapter three, and I was practicing my Chopin Nocturne in E flat Major. I feel like I accomplished something today and I feel good about it. It's better to do something than to do nothing.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    As much as I want to believe that I'll be better someday it is hard to see it through the foggy haze of self doubt and doubting everyone around me whether they mean what they say or not. I am probably like your friend just one thing different, I don't enjoy living and I have not in 19 years. Was I born this way? No not really, I was made this way according to some but I don't want to blame anyone... what pisses me off is people don't take me literally when all I do is speak literally... I mean what I say and I say what I mean there is no hidden meaning... I'm sick of people picking up on things that are not there. Thank you for your comment, it was easy to read and believe me... I prefer longer, well thought out replies, over anything short.
    It does sound like you are living in a sort of "haze" of negativity. Your first step is going to be to get through this haze and to start thinking more clearly and positively. How, exactly, I'm not sure. That's something your therapist will guide you through (it's good that you're seeking professional help!)

    But, you do have a girlfriend who you are in love with. Not only that but guess what! She loves you too! Obviously you're doing something right. She can be your inspiration to look forward to a better life. That's one benefit you have over my friend. Work on improving for YOU, but keep your girlfriend in mind to help you realize what's important and why you're improving. Are there going to be a lot of people putting you down and making it harder? Yeah, unfortunately. But you can turn that into a positive. Turn your life around to prove them wrong, to shut them up, to make them see that you are bigger than they are. "Let the haters be your motivators." Seriously. Don't let them win.

    Do you have social media? If so, I highly recommend deleting all of it (with the exception of this forum, if you find it helpful). Yep, cutting it off cold turkey. I know this seems like a foreign concept in 2015, but I've seen it help tremendously. Part of the reason people find it hard to get out of their "slumps", is that they're comparing their life and progress to everyone else, intentional or not. Never do that. Focus on yourself and block the rest of the world out, save for the things you enjoy (like your girlfriend). Is it easy? Hell no. But again, nothing worth doing is going to be.



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I don't believe I can improve on what JohnApple said, but I'll add this. There are many of us who have suffered, both from others and also from the decisions we've made. At the end of the year 2000, I lost my job as a full time music director. We still had one child in college and my wife's health was beginning to deteriorate. To make matters worse, my dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer. To be honest, I had a suicide plan based on a date I had set in my mind.

    That said, I started answering job adds, lots of them. I also drove to our local community college and took 9 classes that I needed for teacher certification. I substitute taught and I got a part time job as a church music director. Eventually I passed a quick degree program for gaining teacher certification. I also landed a good paying, part time church music director job. As I revealed in another thread, I got picked up by a very good wedding band as their keyboardist.

    In the course of a year, I went from being at the end of my rope, to having three jobs. Now I'm retired, but I still have the church job, something that gives meaning to my life, and joy. I've heard it said many times that happiness is based on one's attitude, how one sees the world. Life is both amazing and cruel. If you are your own worst enemy, get out of your way. By that I mean, start making changes, both in how you see others and how you react to them. Sometimes it's better to listen to others than offer a lot of information. It's like taking a break from all the things that distress you. For tomorrow and then next few days, find one thing that interests you and has some future promise and work on that.

    I'm working on two meaningful projects at the moment. I'm writing one of my traditional spooky stories for this site and I'm working on a concert I wish to give. Today I was working on chapter three, and I was practicing my Chopin Nocturne in E flat Major. I feel like I accomplished something today and I feel good about it. It's better to do something than to do nothing.
    That's very inspiring! I'm glad to hear things got much better for you! That's really what it's all about— trudging through the muck, slowly at first, and finding small victories everyday along with setting mini goals to look forward to.

  6. #6

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    I am not deleting my social media ever. That would be pointless. I unintentionally compare my life to others but that stops now. I already knew I was not the only one who suffered, It's hard to focus on other people when you are blinded by pain. I'm going to be a better person to prove everyone wrong. I was never looking for validation, hope, or kindness. I was looking to change myself, for people, like me. I need to be different than I've been lately and I know that now.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I am not deleting my social media ever. That would be pointless. I unintentionally compare my life to others but that stops now. I already knew I was not the only one who suffered, It's hard to focus on other people when you are blinded by pain. I'm going to be a better person to prove everyone wrong. I was never looking for validation, hope, or kindness. I was looking to change myself, for people, like me. I need to be different than I've been lately and I know that now.
    Sounds great! We're here to help you...

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by chuck View Post
    Sounds great! We're here to help you...
    I never said or thought people weren't trying to help me, unless I felt the person didn't really understand me and they misreperesented me.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I never said or thought people weren't trying to help me, unless I felt the person didn't really understand me and they misreperesented me.
    Mhh... sometimes people do not understand. Happens of course if they misinterpret things or lack crucial context. Whether it's on their behalf or not. This amount is miniscule however.

    Just look at it from another perspective: Different people give you different input.
    Not all people are the same, or to be precise no single being is the same as the one to their right or their left. So as we vary on our characteristics, our hopes and fears, and all the experience we made, so do our believes, opinions, and suggestions by this amount. It's never going to be exactly the same. There's always a minor difference, which simply comes down to what each individual did end up experiencing as "helpful" for their own, learned to be helpful about a subject and so on.

    Hence you get cheerful answers, one's in a roundabout way, even trivial one's and those that sometimes state the blunt truth. Mind you however the truth someone believes in, nothing more and nothing less. This might not end up being your view of the world.
    So you're getting solely input, opinions and ideas, which may help: But it's a vast majority of differing one's, which you do not need to follow, or especially don't need to take personal at all. Sometimes it's those kind of views of the world we can't exactly agree upon, hence you barely can't follow such a kind of support. Which may even feel forced upon, but it is not at all.
    You don't need to suffer therefore. No one would want that here; Which doesn't mean it's everywhere like this, then at best it's to ignore what gives you no benefit... just moving on, since there's point in remaining at this place or with those people.

    Just try what you find helpful, cheer on positive feedback. Perhaps give some blunt or even negating input a second chance, even while it may end up being no valid idea; or even completely useless input. Since you can still put that idea away.
    As mentioned already, don't lose heart and keep on trying.

  10. #10

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    Good Evening!

    I myself am here to listen to you.

    I may not have much advice, since I am a person on the Autism Spectrum with my own issues.
    I was a Deacon for 6 years @ my church, and am used to listening and keeping the confidences of others.

    caitianx

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