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Thread: Advice for a significant other

  1. #1

    Default Advice for a significant other

    I am in a serious relationship with a dl. I completely accept him for who he is. He confided in me today the extent of his infantilism. I have some concerns. He told me that he wears diapers 24/7 and never uses the toilet anymore, ever. He said that it's obvious that he has a diaper on, and that the smell is sometimes very obvious and embarrassing. He doesn't think I will be able to deal with it. We have a long distance relationship at the moment, but he is preparing to uproot and move across the country to be near me. Suddenly I find myself fearful. I have absolutely no problem with the infantilism. I'm concerned about the smell, the (apparently) obvious fact that he's wearing diapers/rubber pants, and how I'll really handle that when the time comes.
    I love him very much and don't want this relationship to end. Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.

  2. #2

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    Wow! I am DL but I am not sure if I'd want to date a guy who always does number 2 in his pants. Sounds tough. Does he expect you to change his dirty diaper? Hard to tell long distance. Probably best to just plan a week visit and not jump into a huge move right away.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    I am in a serious relationship with a dl. I completely accept him for who he is. He confided in me today the extent of his infantilism. I have some concerns. He told me that he wears diapers 24/7 and never uses the toilet anymore, ever. He said that it's obvious that he has a diaper on, and that the smell is sometimes very obvious and embarrassing. He doesn't think I will be able to deal with it. We have a long distance relationship at the moment, but he is preparing to uproot and move across the country to be near me. Suddenly I find myself fearful. I have absolutely no problem with the infantilism. I'm concerned about the smell, the (apparently) obvious fact that he's wearing diapers/rubber pants, and how I'll really handle that when the time comes.
    I love him very much and don't want this relationship to end. Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.
    namidmeoquanee,

    First of all, welcome to ADISC! (hopefully, you'll consider making a bit more of an introduction here in Greetings / Introductions in the not so distant future.)

    Thank you for taking the time and effort to make an introduction! It does help for this particular situation, to know there is considerable more tangible history between you and your "Significant Other"...

    Uh... Your potential roommate seems to be a bit more on the "deeper" end of things than many of us are.

    You say that he has said, that he doesn't think you will be able to deal with it... That's probably a good place to start!

    I'm not intending to throw your fella friend under the proverbial bus... BUT, you are most certainly entitled to your peace of mind as well! ... If this is only about you or, only about him... then we have an issue about the relationship in general. Neverminding him moving to Oregon to be with you, the look of perhaps obvious wearable potty containment apparatus, let-alone 'poo-poo' smell (probably urine too.)

    So, when you've brought up these concerns to him (you have brought this up with him, right??) ... How and what does he respond with?

    I'm not a believer of compromise carte blanche yet, some compromise is generally indicated in all sorts of relationships... not the least of which would be in a live-in situation...

    So, let's assume for the sake of this conversation... you genuinely love him and, he genuinely loves you... BEFORE he sublet's his apartment, breaks the lease or, rents a moving truck...

    I'd say that you two collectively and individually... have some things to work out first-first-first...

    I do not recommend allowing any sort of desperation or severe longing of companionship, to be the driving factor in anything that causes you much cost in compromise especially, that for which you have yet to reconcile for yourself...

    Can/will he pull back on the 24/7? Or at least perhaps the #2's? Wear a little less bulk? Is his person defined by these measures...?

    Let's pretend that he's all moved in now and, you can't stomach the smell... or you're embarrassed by the obvious diaper-bulk, that he won't tame-down when out in public or when friends or family is at your place... Where are you with this now?

    You have my best intentions and wishes!

    I hope that I have properly yet kindly, provoked some additional thought...

    Keep talking, we're listening...

    Sincerely,
    -Marka
    Last edited by Marka; 23-Sep-2015 at 20:27.

  4. #4

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    Thank you so much for your input. We have talked many times about the infantilism; I just didn't understand the extent until today. He says that if he doesn't wear the diapers he is constantly worried that he will wet himself or worse. The way he talks, it sounds as if it is not something he can control. I don't believe it's even possible anymore for him to cut back. I wouldn't mind at all if it were something that he did in the privacy of our home. But the public factor....family...friends....that has me concerned. No, he doesn't want me to change him, or be "mommy" in any way, he says. He is desperate to stop completely, but doesn't think it's possible, as this has been a life long issue and he is now in his late 50's. He said that there is a part of him, the little boy, that won't go away, and he doesn't want him to. He wants to nurture him, love him, let him know that he'll be okay. My heart breaks for him. He says the roots go very deep and I see that. I was "all in". The infantilism was not a problem for me. But, now...I don't know how to handle the knowledge that it won't be just be who will be dealing with it, but my kids, my parents, my friends....I don't know what that would "look" like. Thanks for your help through this. I would never betray his secret just so I could have someone to talk to, so this was the only option for me to get some feedback.

  5. #5

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    Edit: OK, I didn't see your second post until I submitted this tome and I'll admit that it makes it clear that he's willing to change but ability is the issue. Your boyfriend needs psychological help. I didn't say "would benefit from psychological help" or "should get psychological help if presented the opportunity". No, he needs psychological help and quite possibly occupational therapy in the same way that a heart attack victim needs heparin. This sounds like it's not causing him anxiety so much as it is a self-perpetuating cycle of self-loathing that's causing a slew of other issues (depression, self-esteem issues, etc). This isn't just a prerequisite for the relationship, but for him to continue being a stable person. I'm leaving the rest of my post because I don't think it's entirely irrelevant and I'm too tired now to update the entire thing.</Edit>

    I'm confused about a few things here, so please bear with me.



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    I am in a serious relationship with a dl. I completely accept him for who he is. He confided in me today the extent of his infantilism. I have some concerns.
    My read is that you knew about this before, but only now he told you how far he takes it. Is that correct?



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    He told me that he wears diapers 24/7 and never uses the toilet anymore, ever. He said that it's obvious that he has a diaper on, and that the smell is sometimes very obvious and embarrassing. He doesn't think I will be able to deal with it.
    Forgetting your concerns about the relationship for the moment, I have concerns about him. I like to say that there's being in control of your fetish, and your fetish being in control of you. I'm going to blindly assume that his love and devotion for you runs as deep as that you have for him, which is very. It sounds to me like he's concerned that how he practices his fetish will cause him to lose you. The fact that he said that without pairing with discussing any sort of willingness to change, or compromise, or consider your needs makes me think that this shouldn't be a conversation about whether this will be an issue for your relationship. It should be a conversation about him having a serious problem and needing to get help.

    By the way, that part about how he says that he's engaging in something that causes him embarrassment? Either he's extraordinarily poorly adjusted to his fetish, or there's an exhibitionistic component that he needs to be embarrassed to get fulfillment. That means his goal is to go out in public in a condition that other people can clearly see and smell (eww) his diaper. He's the ABDL equivalent of a Central Park flasher.

    That said, you have met him before in-person, right? I assume you have, but I don't know why you didn't know about this if if the smell and appearance is as obvious as he's making it out to be.



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    He doesn't think I will be able to deal with it. We have a long distance relationship at the moment, but he is preparing to uproot and move across the country to be near me.
    I'm assuming that if he's prepared to uproot himself and permanently relocate across the country, then you've spent significant time together in the past. Perhaps not quite to the point of cohabitation, but I'm sure you've been together in person a fair amount. How did you handle it then? What level of exposure have you had in the past?

    Also, what do you mean "preparing to"? Are you saying he's looking into the feasibility, or he's buying moving boxes and packing tape? I'll admit that all people have different decision making processes, but here's mine. Whenever I'm going to make a major decision, I decide to go ahead with it and look for every possible problem that could disrupt that. I take my time looking for them, I'm very thorough (consulting everyone who has an ear), and I take any issues that arise seriously. I strongly recommend that you two do not do anything until you're more on the same page about this. Right now you very much aren't.



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    Suddenly I find myself fearful. I have absolutely no problem with the infantilism. I'm concerned about the smell, the (apparently) obvious fact that he's wearing diapers/rubber pants, and how I'll really handle that when the time comes. I love him very much and don't want this relationship to end. Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.
    My overarching advice is that you need to realize you're having the wrong conversation. Do not ask whether or not you can live with his lifestyle. As if both of you are willing to compromise your lifestyles for the other. Me and my fiancee are currently looking at ways to integrate diapers and pee play into our relationship so I'm getting experienced with this. If you want more info look in my post history. There's an extremely important concept that the ABDL partner needs to realize: this is not an innocuous fetish. A foot fetish is innocuous. If he needs to rub your feet a bit during sex in order to get off, that might not be your thing, but you probably would be pretty neutral, right? It doesn't do anything for you, but it doesn't really bother you either. Diaper play is a different matter because human waste is something that humans tend to have a natural revulsion to. That may be an emotion that we can ignore or quash, but for the vast majority of the population it's pretty strongly hardwired.

    My suggestion to you is this: tell him you need him to make a numbered list. This list will contain everything he'd like to happen in his relationship with you relative to diapers, major and minor. Not "within reason," this should be his dream list of everything he'd like to do. For example, if I made such a list for my fiancee (we'll call her Jane), it would look something like this.



    1. I wear and wet diapers around the house, including when Jane is around, and stay in wet diapers for extended periods of time. [occasionally]
    2. I sleep in wet diapers. [frequently]
    3. I wear and wet diapers when me and Jane go out (eg, dates, errands, road trips, etc). [some occasions, not all]
    4. Jane puts me into diapers when I'm undiapered, and changes my wet diapers. She takes an active role- telling me she's going to diaper me, checking diaper for wetness instead of me asking, etc. [occasionally]
    5. Jane urinates on me when we shower together. [occasionally]
    6. Jane urinates on me in bed in various sexual positions (missionary, cowgirl, 69, etc).
    7. Jane incorporates the act of diapering me, me wetting my diaper, and changing my diaper into sex play. [frequently on occasions I'm diapered]
    8. Jane urinates in a diaper and puts it on me, as an enhancement to any of the previous points (eg, my sleeping diaper). [frequently]
    9. Any of the previous points with Jane wearing the diaper instead of/in addition to me (no wetting). [special occasion]
    10. Any of the previous points with Jane wearing the diaper instead of/in addition to me (with wetting). [special occasion]
    Two important notes here. One, those last two items I type as "Any of the previous..."? He should type them all out individually. Two, my list would actually be a lot longer and would get more hardcore. I made these abridgements for the sake of brevity (the list is long enough that you get the point) and adhering to this site's PG-13 content rule. I probably pushed the bounds of PG-13 somewhat, but our moderation staff usually lets such things slide if it's for information or advice. And now, back to your regularly scheduled Dear AEsahaettr column...

    You take this list and sleep on it for a couple days. What you need to do is evaluate your willingness to do/tolerate/live with/participate in/whatever each item on the list, and you need to divorce yourself from the (admittedly admirable) "I'll do anything to make this work" mentality. As you're figuring out and getting anxiety over, "I'll do anything to make this work" is an attitude that sounds great in theory but living by it is something else altogether. You need to read his list and "score" each item for how you feel about each thing.

    • If you have no problem with the thing, or think it could be something you'd even enjoy, give it a checkmark.
    • If you think you could do the thing, but need more information or need to put conditions on it, write down those questions/feelings/etc.
    • If you think that something seems undesirable no matter how you cut it, regardless of how you feel about your boyfriend, cross it off.


    This list is your talking point. This is where compromise needs to happen. Any and all things on the list are on the table- even things you crossed off. First, get any more information wherever you need it. Then talk about anything that you didn't check or cross off. Maybe once you learn more, hopefully, those can be checked or crossed off. For example, when I first talked about wearing and wetting diapers openly (eg, no pants, I'm just hanging out in a diaper and a t-shirt) as we go about our home life, she was really nervous. Turns out she thought I meant doing this 24/7, whereas I meant occasionally. Probably once a week. Sometimes twice a week. A full weekend (Friday afternoon to Sunday night) a few times a year. Once we talked more she found it much less objectionable.

    The crossed off points are where you need to compromise.

    ===WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS HELPFUL COLUMN FOR ANGRY RANTING===

    Frankly, the more I read your post the more pissed off I'm getting. The ABDL community is one which is overwhelmingly men whom are predominantly attracted to women (ie, the vast majority of us are straight or bisexual men). That means that finding a partner who's not only willing to tolerate our fetish but ready to embrace us for it is something that we all dream of and many of us never find. And here you are, such a person, and the dude who's so incredibly lucky to have found someone like is basically saying "This is who I am, take it or leave it." The word "selfish" seems wholly inadequate to describe this. He seems to have no idea how lucky he is to have you, nor is he invested enough in your relationship to signal any willingness to change. Think about that. Seriously, think about it.

    ===ANGRY RANT CONCLUDED THANK YOU COME AGAIN===

    The remaining points are where you need to compromise. Put the onus on him to suggest compromises. You're not a mind reader, nor do you have time invested in exploring ABDL to understand either the relative importance of things on his list to him or ways in which they could be modified. Maybe he could really live without three things you crossed off, but a fourth one is really important and he'd like to talk about finding a mutually agreeable way to put it back in play. Maybe all the things that you crossed off her on the "reach" part of the list and not actually vital. Maybe you crossed off 2/3rds of the list, they're all things he can't live without, and together they're just too overwhelming for you- a case in which I think you already know the ultimate conclusion.

    There's a question you need to impress and he has to come up with an adequate solution to. Every item you've agreed to is a point where you've compromised with him. What will he give up so that his compromises are equal to yours? Meaningful compromise or lack thereof is where this will be successful or not, and I would wager as being the grounds on which this relationship will grow or cease to exist.
    Last edited by AEsahaettr; 23-Sep-2015 at 07:30.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    Thank you so much for your input. We have talked many times about the infantilism; I just didn't understand the extent until today. He says that if he doesn't wear the diapers he is constantly worried that he will wet himself or worse. The way he talks, it sounds as if it is not something he can control. I don't believe it's even possible anymore for him to cut back. I wouldn't mind at all if it were something that he did in the privacy of our home. But the public factor....family...friends....that has me concerned. No, he doesn't want me to change him, or be "mommy" in any way, he says. He is desperate to stop completely, but doesn't think it's possible, as this has been a life long issue and he is now in his late 50's. He said that there is a part of him, the little boy, that won't go away, and he doesn't want him to. He wants to nurture him, love him, let him know that he'll be okay. My heart breaks for him. He says the roots go very deep and I see that. I was "all in". The infantilism was not a problem for me. But, now...I don't know how to handle the knowledge that it won't be just be who will be dealing with it, but my kids, my parents, my friends....I don't know what that would "look" like. Thanks for your help through this. I would never betray his secret just so I could have someone to talk to, so this was the only option for me to get some feedback.
    You are most certainly welcome, namidmeoquanee! (I won't even try to pronounce that... a 2nd time )

    Great job on your resourcefulness in finding us... and your dedication to working through this...

    You don't sound desperate for companionship... In just these short few paragraphs that we've exchanged, I think you have a wonderful heart...

    So... The only thing that comes to mind for me in this moment is... can he move to your town/city/area and, live in his own place?

    I mean... what are the options?

    So, the flip side... we don't generally wish to put too much into what it looks like (unless you were speaking about how to conceptualize a scenario)... Dang! We could probably get around somehow, what it looks like... though it seems you have the very likeliness of what it smells like too... I think that's a bit more difficult to pull off... eeek! God forbid, you're in the middle of dinner... Ah! but what you have to know about me is... My name is Marka... I'm a poo phobic!

    I don't mean to make offense at you or him genuinely... I hope the translation for levity is not entirely lost...

    I will ask again, have you talked with him about these very specific details?

    I mean yeah, he could try a counselor to work out a better balance... I believe from what you've conveyed, that he most likely is authentic... not making your position any easier but, I wonder if it is perhaps simple, the answers you seek... just not a bit easy...

    I'll leave you with that for now... keep it coming!


    -Marka

  7. #7

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    A few thoughts....

    Coming here, talking to us about this, obviously the focus is on diapers and bodily functions. Its safe to assume that there are other things about him that are attractive to you that could outweigh the annoyance of our hobby, eg, "He's a former professional athlete, 6% body fat, richer than Croesus, his _____ is 10 inches long and his tongue isn't far behind" Yes, of course I'm being shallow and over the top, but the point is, there are things you are going to want out of a relationship too. Will he be able to meet your needs, whatever they are? If not, is there really a point to pairing up? I don't need or expect you to tell us what those things are...you just need to know them yourself.

    Yes, over time things can change, people get sick, markets crash, and you do your best to be faithful and overcome. All well and good. Still, does it make sense to jump into something just because you think you need a man? Not saying you're doing this, just provoking thought. Yes, relationships do affect people, but you're not going to change the basics of who and what he is. It doesn't work at 20, even less so at our age.

    If its just about companionship, get a dog. They're easier and cheaper to get rid of if it doesn't work out. That occurred to me because I'm dogsitting this week. 2 minutes after Mrs. Maxx left for work, Junior's dog pushed open the bedroom door, leaped on the bed and nosed me onto the floor. Desperate for company. I don't even like dogs. I could still be in bed. In a diaper. For whatever reason, this one is madly in love with me. If it weren't Junior's....

    Its not clear from your posts how much time you've spent with him IRL. One would hope, significant amounts. Online tends to distort things. In a place like this, or in online conversations like yours with him, people tend to be way more open about things like fantasies. He may be exaggerating his diaper use and need a bit, perhaps projecting his vision of how he wishes things were, and how he fantasizes things might be with you.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by AEsahaettr View Post
    My suggestion to you is this: tell him you need him to make a numbered list. This list will contain everything he'd like to happen in his relationship with you relative to diapers, major and minor. Not "within reason," this should be his dream list of everything he'd like to do. For example, if I made such a list for my fiancee (we'll call her Jane), it would look something like this.
    This is good. With the caveat that there will likely be things on the list that he has never done, especially with another person. Its entirely possible that he'll try some of them and find that they really don't do anything for him. Real life vs. fantasy rarely turn out the same.




    Frankly, the more I read your post the more pissed off I'm getting. The ABDL community is one which is overwhelmingly men whom are predominantly attracted to women (ie, the vast majority of us are straight or bisexual men). That means that finding a partner who's not only willing to tolerate our fetish but ready to embrace us for it is something that we all dream of and many of us never find. And here you are, such a person, and the dude who's so incredibly lucky to have found someone like is basically saying "This is who I am, take it or leave it." The word "selfish" seems wholly inadequate to describe this. He seems to have no idea how lucky he is to have you, nor is he invested enough in your relationship to signal any willingness to change. Think about that. Seriously, think about it.
    Agreed.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    I'm concerned about the smell, the (apparently) obvious fact that he's wearing diapers/rubber pants, and how I'll really handle that when the time comes.
    Another very real and valid concern. You're approaching the age where a woman's sense of smell seems to go haywire. Ever notice that old ladies all wear the same disgusting perfume/cologne/whatever in quantities that gag normal humans? Mrs. Maxx started doing that about the time menopause kicked. As far as I can tell, she doesn't have any bad smells she needed to cover up... I'm not going to divorce court over it, its just something I have to live with. Depending on the hormonal climate, gentle suggestions have been met with anything from minor huff and dismissal to irrational rants. At the same time she became hypersensitive to some smells, noseblind to others, and started detecting imaginary scents. Even if he's scrupulously clean, to the point that noone else can detect it, you may find that its still strong and obvious to you. If you can deal with it, fine. If not, don't be afraid to call it a dealbreaker. Hopefully you're not going straight from online to live-in.

    Its worth noting that many of our members are incontinent, and go around diapered in public all the time without detection. Care about diet, frequent changing when needed, reduce the smell factor. Modern diapers for daytime use aren't incredibly bulky, so there doesn't have to be an obvious bulge. With the right diaper, and dressing to disguise it, it is possible to go around with someone diapered with noone the wiser.

    Its also worth noting that REAL babies, when properly tended, aren't smelly. Well, except at certain guilty, grunting moments. Good moms, dads, or caregivers don't leave them in that condition for very long.

    Diaper lovers and adult babies on the other hand, tend to like the bulk, and of course if he's using them for both functions....

    Many, if not most diaper lovers only pee in diapers, doing #2 only occasionally if ever. Even for us, smell and cleanup are a little much. I could understand that being a point you stand firm on even if you can tolerate the rest of it. Perhaps permitting that only when you're not around.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    He says that if he doesn't wear the diapers he is constantly worried that he will wet himself or worse. The way he talks, it sounds as if it is not something he can control. I don't believe it's even possible anymore for him to cut back.
    One of the common fantasies in our hobby/lifestyle/compulsion is "untraining", ie, wetting without conscious effort. We've had numerous discussions about that here, and the consensus is, it doesn't happen, even with more or less constant diaper use. It does get easier to let go when wearing a diaper, but the subconscious mind always seems to remember to tell the sphincters to hang on when we're in bed or wearing big boy pants.

    I've been doing this on and off for more than 50 years. I haven't had an accident in bed or big boy pants. Not ever. Not even once.

    That said, he's approaching an age where physical issues can result in a need for protection. Usually, that results from treatments for prostate cancer. There are other physical causes for incontinence as well. Birth defect, injury, disease...Obviously I can't judge from afar if he has a real, physical issue, but you haven't mentioned anything like that. My spidey sense says "fantasy, wishful thinking".

    Barring physical issues, if he really, truly can't cut back, or do without when the situation demands, I'd be wary. That's not a good sign of mental strength and stability.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    But the public factor....family...friends....that has me concerned.
    Can he clean up and be presentable when required? I would like to think so. If his compulsion has taken him over to the point that he can't, that's an awfully big red flag unless you're into it as well.

    How big an issue this is depends in how social you are, as well as proximity and familiarity of family and friends. Most of my extended family is scattered across the country, so they're not going to pop in without at least a few hours notice. Junior and his wife are only a few miles away, though, and of course have our house keys. Discretion is necessary. Mrs. Maxx also has some relatives who aren't exactly paragons of etiquette, so they have a habit of popping by without benefit of phone or text. At least they don't have keys, nor do neighbors, friends who might show up at the door with a beer or to borrow a tool.

    "This is my boyfriend ____, don't mind the smell, he wears diapers for fun". If you're not into it, this doesn't fly, and its not reasonable to expect positive responses from friends, relatives, acquaintances, even on the Left Coast.

    Edit: A final thought... if he's been living alone for some time, with the freedom to indulge himself as he pleases, it would be a pretty big change to give it up. I'm sure that plays a part in his giving you the whole story. At least he's being upfront about it. As I'm sure you would/will miss some of your freedom to come and go as you please, and do some of the odd little things that you do without even realizing.
    Last edited by Maxx; 24-Sep-2015 at 01:15.

  8. #8

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    There are so many good responses so far that I have only this to say. Can't he change his diaper when it gets wet or soiled? When all is said and done, one has to be considerate to the people around them. If this isn't part of him, there is something terribly wrong, and I think in a very short time living with this, you are going to be miserable.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    If its just about companionship, get a dog. They're easier and cheaper to get rid of if it doesn't work out. That occurred to me because I'm dogsitting this week. 2 minutes after Mrs. Maxx left for work, Junior's dog pushed open the bedroom door, leaped on the bed and nosed me onto the floor. Desperate for company. I don't even like dogs. I could still be in bed. In a diaper. For whatever reason, this one is madly in love with me. If it weren't Junior's....
    Off topic, but a lot of dogs make their favorite person in the family the one who plays hard to get.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by namidmeoquanee View Post
    Thank you so much for your input. We have talked many times about the infantilism; I just didn't understand the extent until today. He says that if he doesn't wear the diapers he is constantly worried that he will wet himself or worse. The way he talks, it sounds as if it is not something he can control. I don't believe it's even possible anymore for him to cut back. I wouldn't mind at all if it were something that he did in the privacy of our home. But the public factor....family...friends....that has me concerned. No, he doesn't want me to change him, or be "mommy" in any way, he says. He is desperate to stop completely, but doesn't think it's possible, as this has been a life long issue and he is now in his late 50's. He said that there is a part of him, the little boy, that won't go away, and he doesn't want him to. He wants to nurture him, love him, let him know that he'll be okay. My heart breaks for him. He says the roots go very deep and I see that. I was "all in". The infantilism was not a problem for me. But, now...I don't know how to handle the knowledge that it won't be just be who will be dealing with it, but my kids, my parents, my friends....I don't know what that would "look" like. Thanks for your help through this. I would never betray his secret just so I could have someone to talk to, so this was the only option for me to get some feedback.
    There's already been some really great advice in this thread, but I do have one thing to add. From what you're saying here, it sounds like there are two separate issues. He likes diapers because there's a part of him that's a little boy, and that's fine. Separately though, you're telling us that he's so used to diapers that he might be legitimately medically incontinent. That is, he might need the diapers because without them he'll pee his pants anyway.

    If that's the case, ask yourself if that's something you could live with. Would you be able to stay with a guy, for example, who was paralyzed from the waist down or who had Crohn's disease and really needed the diapers? Because from what it sounds like here, that's about where this person is.

    Now, it may be that he could learn to go without diapers over time, say with practice in a safe environment, and he might be open to that idea, so I think you could float that to him and see what he thinks. But at least to start, it sounds like we're in the territory of medical necessity, and I think you should make sure that you understand him right and, if so, you should approach it as a medical issue and ask whether you could work with that or not.

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