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Thread: Gone Too Soon...

  1. #1

    Default Gone Too Soon...

    I............. *tears up* I WAS a father.... My fiance found out she was pregnant.... I haven't posted this until now... but I'm crying and I can't hold back anymore... my fiance and I lost a baby. She was only a few months pregnant... But I could feel a baby in her stomach.... I felt it's hand... then a month or so later she was gone... my fiance had bleeding and bad abdominal pain... I didn't feel any movement..I feel like it's all my fault... she was in a bad place.. her aunt and uncle smoke non stop all the time... I've read about second hand smoke being linked to miscarriage but I was hoping that maybe the baby could make it without being damaged or anything... my fiacnce went outside when they smoked and tried to stay away from them... but they had parties where many people smoked... now maybe It is my fault and I just had bad genes or maybe she did or we both did or... I just... I don't know... I don't want to blame anyone but at the same time I want to blame something... we were trying to have a baby so maybe just maybe it could bring us together and people would be more willing to help... but it just wasn't meant to be... maybe it was a bad motive but I loved that child and it wasn't even born yet. I was dreaming of the day I'd walk them down the aisle and say... "It was hard for us, but we made it and now here you are, getting married.".... I would work hard to give them everything.. .to make sure they didn't end up a failure like me... I know I have time and I'm young but my feelings may not always align with what is true... I just hope I can get through all this... I know people have it worse... but this just isn't good.

  2. #2

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    Sorry for your loss... I went through that with Mrs. Maxx a few months into our marriage. Tough times for a while. My understanding of it is...sometimes it just happens. Maybe there was some kind of defect her body recognized and rejected, maybe the smoke was a contributing factor. Or maybe it was more or less random. In our case, we're pretty sure conception was on New Year's Eve, so perhaps alcohol damaged sperm was a factor. Never said that to anyone... including her.... but I did take note of that and was much more careful when we tried again, abstaining from pretty much everything for a few months beforehand.

    The previous thread about marriage makes a lot more sense now, as does your state of mind and reactions to other threads. Again, sorry for what your going through.

    If there is good news in this, there's no reason she can't have healthy children later, providing there weren't any serious complications to the miscarriage. We let Mrs. Maxx heal for a year, then tried again, getting Maxx Junior on the first try. In a tent, on vacation, quietly, with 6 year old Maxxette sleeping a few feet away. The dates all match up....

    Please forgive me for becoming a Dad again for a moment... Please for the childs sake, and yours, try to wait before trying again, or even taking chances, until your living arrangements and relationship are a little more...buttoned down? Kids are wonderful, but they're a full-time, lifetime commitment. 24/7 in a way you can't begin to imagine unless you've done it. Utter exhaustion in ways you've never experienced. Cuteness prevents us from drowning them the first few months, but once they're mobile, you have to think about other things in 8 second chunks, because that's how much time you have between setting them down in the middle of the room, and rescuing them from the stairs, the electrical outlet, climbing up the kitchen cabinets, sticking a finger up the dog's ***, etc. Relentless. Cribs? Hah! Most kids can climb before they can walk. Motivating, sure, but trying to sort out other aspects of your life while going through that is a monumental task, especially if your family support system is shaky.

    Being a grandparent is much better, because we can leave. Even so, we let Mrs. Junior take more advantage of us than we should, because we remember what it was like. And of course, because the granddaughter is the cutest, smartest, most well-behaved kid who ever lived.

    Back when Junior was a toddler, and we were house shopping, we looked at a big old house a couple miles from my parents. When we mentioned it, my Mom took Mrs. Maxx aside and said "Don't you dare!" . Mrs. Maxx was a little offended at the time, but understands now that she's on the other end of it. Grandparents don't mind helping, and like to see the kids frequently, but there is a limit. If you're counting on parents or relatives for living space and childcare, its only fair to discuss it with them beforehand...

    I've lived through that. Maxxette boomeranged to live with us (12-14 years ago?) when she and her husband had financial difficulties. Me, Mrs. Maxx, Maxx Junior, Maxxette, Mr. Maxxette, two kids, Maxxette's giant dog all living in my little 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house was not an experience any of us would like to repeat. No diapers for me for 2 years, among other things. Intimate time with Mrs. Maxx....all but non-existent. All of the family relationships strained. The only positive was some quality time with two young grandsons.

    Eventually (but not before some heated conversations between us...) Mr. Maxxette got off my couch and joined the Army. He's still there, deciding to hang on for the pension. He's also got some valuable skills, so he'll be in demand when he gets out. They also learned their financial lessons, and now own 2 (or is it 3 now?) houses. He was always a good guy, he just needed direction, and the Army gave him that.

    P.S. The Army wasn't my idea, it was his. Not suggesting that's the right way for you to go, I just thought it was appropriate to mention how they got out of their difficulties....and out from under my roof. Beyond that, Maxxette eventually went back to school herself, and now has a Masters degree. No easy task with two kids and a husband who was overseas half the time. A hopeful sign perhaps for you... it would have been a lot easier if she'd done it when she was a kid, but it can be done later if you want it bad enough. I got some payback for my trouble as well. Mrs. Maxx would visit them to help out during the summer several years in a row, so I'd get a few weeks of uninterrupted diaper time.
    Last edited by Maxx; 21-Sep-2015 at 18:40.

  3. #3

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    My sister had a miscarriage a while back, she nor anybody in her surroundings smoke or drank, or really did anything partyish. On the other hand, there are still people who are pregnant and taking some type of illegal drugs, give birth, and somehow have a healthy child. Smoking, drinking, and recreational drugs are certainly going to make a pregnancy more difficult, but sometimes things just don't work out and it is unavoidable. Sometimes it is just the randomness of which sperm hit which of the two eggs first. It could have been that your child got the wrong blend of genetics which can still be one in a million between the same two people. The fact that life exists at all is a miracle in whatever definition of miracle you want that to be, so the act of creating an entirely new life, is a pretty significant and difficult process. I think it is really hard to find anybody to blame on this. It sounds like you guys tried really hard to keep away from the smoke, so it wasn't like you were being neglectful. If your Christian or something else, maybe you can say a little prayer to God and ask him to say hello to your baby, or just talk to the baby yourself, there is nothing wrong with meditation in the form of prayer if that is what you are into. If you are atheist, well, you know that life is what you make of it and this doesn't have to break you. Your baby knows no pain, and you can still try for another, or even make a baby that is already alive happy by adoption.

    I know that a lot of this still won't help remove the pain, but time will make it easier. I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

  4. #4

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    Oh my gosh, that is horrible! I can not fathom the depths of your sorrow and pain, but I am sorry for your loss. I pray things get better for you.

  5. #5

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    Sorry to sound harsh, but from what I've seen in your other posts, a baby is probably the last thing you need right now... Having a baby isn't going to magically solve your problems. In fact, it might just add to them. Who would support this kid? Seeing you're unemployed, does your fiance make enough? Babies aren't cheap. It just frustrates me to see people who can't support children having them anyway, and just adding them to the welfare rolls here in the United States. And chances are the baby grows up, has babies it can't afford, and the generational poverty goes on.

    I know I'm being blunt, but perhaps take the miscarriage as a sign that a baby isn't the best choice right now.

  6. #6

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be one of the hardest things to live through.

    My best friend had a miscarriage several years ago. I wanted to help and felt so helpless. It takes time to get over this.

    My friend's partner lives with Cystic Fibrosis and they were unable to conceive through the regular method. They went through In Vitro Fertilization. I learned about how expensive it was, not to mention the costs of medication and receiving shots in places you don't want to imagine. There's also no guarantee they would be able to conceive by undergoing this process. After having gone through it and all the work and sacrifice, she became pregnant.... and miscarried at nearly five months.

    A year later, after considering other options such as adoption, they decided to try again and put themselves through the IVM process all over again. I was so worried for them. What if it didn't work? What if she miscarried again? They were so devastated after the first experience. How much worse would it be if it happened all over again? I admired their perseverance and courage, but I was really concerned about them.

    On the second attempt, they gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl who is surrounded with so much love from her parents. She's two years old now.After having gone through such a rigorous, difficult process only to suffer the miscarriage, I think they, more than many people, appreciated the fragility of life and loved their daughter all the more for what they lived through. I can't imagine better parents anywhere on this planet.

    Take the time to heal together. You don't need to make any decisions right now. You will decide how to proceed when you are both ready. As for today, please accept my sympathy.

  7. #7

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    Sorry for your loss.

    I know from other posts you are going through seriously hard times and this isn't what you want to hear, but I've got to echo what KimbaStarshine said. I don't have children, but I've seen a lot of friends go through the whole baby thing, and the truth I've picked up is that babies don't fix problems, they create them. They push people in good stable relashionships with reaosnable finances right to the brink. Don't get me wrong, I've never heard anyone say they regretted it, but they all say it was really tough and have plenty of horror stories.

    All the reasons you listed as hoping having a baby would solve are basically all the reasons you shouldn't be having one right now. They are a major finanical stresser, not to mention a stresser in general. In addition to all the financial stress and emotional stress you have now, you'd also have the huge financial burden that comes with a baby, plus the huge time and energy committment that Maxx mentioned.

    And if you think people give you flack now for not having a job, having a baby on purpose when you don't have the financial means to provide for it is going to generate like 100x that.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by KimbaStarshine View Post
    Sorry to sound harsh, but from what I've seen in your other posts, a baby is probably the last thing you need right now... Having a baby isn't going to magically solve your problems. In fact, it might just add to them. Who would support this kid? Seeing you're unemployed, does your fiance make enough? Babies aren't cheap. It just frustrates me to see people who can't support children having them anyway, and just adding them to the welfare rolls here in the United States. And chances are the baby grows up, has babies it can't afford, and the generational poverty goes on.

    I know I'm being blunt, but perhaps take the miscarriage as a sign that a baby isn't the best choice right now.
    If you are sorry to sound harsh then maybe you shouldn't be harsh in the first place seeing as you claim to have read previous posts. She actually has a job.. so it's a start. I get it, now is not the right time for a kid but you can't be so blunt to someone who has only had blunt-ness given to them. I know you have good intentions, but curb it next time, I'm not exactly emotionally stable and since you know that, I question why you made such a comment in the first place. I'm not trying to sound whiney or rude but... lay off.

  9. #9

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    I am sorry to hear of your loss. I too have been through a miscarriage and the feelings you have is normal. I was a wreck for a couple of weeks. In my case everything was fine at a check up at 11:00 and at 2:30 she lost the baby. IT is very hard to go through.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by BoundCoder View Post
    Sorry for your loss.

    I know from other posts you are going through seriously hard times and this isn't what you want to hear, but I've got to echo what KimbaStarshine said. I don't have children, but I've seen a lot of friends go through the whole baby thing, and the truth I've picked up is that babies don't fix problems, they create them. They push people in good stable relashionships with reaosnable finances right to the brink. Don't get me wrong, I've never heard anyone say they regretted it, but they all say it was really tough and have plenty of horror stories.

    All the reasons you listed as hoping having a baby would solve are basically all the reasons you shouldn't be having one right now. They are a major finanical stresser, not to mention a stresser in general. In addition to all the financial stress and emotional stress you have now, you'd also have the huge financial burden that comes with a baby, plus the huge time and energy committment that Maxx mentioned.

    And if you think people give you flack now for not having a job, having a baby on purpose when you don't have the financial means to provide for it is going to generate like 100x that.
    I get it, I made a wrong decision, maybe an echo isn't what I need. That's all I'm saying.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Sorry for your loss... I went through that with Mrs. Maxx a few months into our marriage. Tough times for a while. My understanding of it is...sometimes it just happens. Maybe there was some kind of defect her body recognized and rejected, maybe the smoke was a contributing factor. Or maybe it was more or less random. In our case, we're pretty sure conception was on New Year's Eve, so perhaps alcohol damaged sperm was a factor. Never said that to anyone... including her.... but I did take note of that and was much more careful when we tried again, abstaining from pretty much everything for a few months beforehand.

    The previous thread about marriage makes a lot more sense now, as does your state of mind and reactions to other threads. Again, sorry for what your going through.

    If there is good news in this, there's no reason she can't have healthy children later, providing there weren't any serious complications to the miscarriage. We let Mrs. Maxx heal for a year, then tried again, getting Maxx Junior on the first try. In a tent, on vacation, quietly, with 6 year old Maxxette sleeping a few feet away. The dates all match up....

    Please forgive me for becoming a Dad again for a moment... Please for the childs sake, and yours, try to wait before trying again, or even taking chances, until your living arrangements and relationship are a little more...buttoned down? Kids are wonderful, but they're a full-time, lifetime commitment. 24/7 in a way you can't begin to imagine unless you've done it. Utter exhaustion in ways you've never experienced. Cuteness prevents us from drowning them the first few months, but once they're mobile, you have to think about other things in 8 second chunks, because that's how much time you have between setting them down in the middle of the room, and rescuing them from the stairs, the electrical outlet, climbing up the kitchen cabinets, sticking a finger up the dog's ***, etc. Relentless. Cribs? Hah! Most kids can climb before they can walk. Motivating, sure, but trying to sort out other aspects of your life while going through that is a monumental task, especially if your family support system is shaky.

    Being a grandparent is much better, because we can leave. Even so, we let Mrs. Junior take more advantage of us than we should, because we remember what it was like. And of course, because the granddaughter is the cutest, smartest, most well-behaved kid who ever lived.

    Back when Junior was a toddler, and we were house shopping, we looked at a big old house a couple miles from my parents. When we mentioned it, my Mom took Mrs. Maxx aside and said "Don't you dare!" . Mrs. Maxx was a little offended at the time, but understands now that she's on the other end of it. Grandparents don't mind helping, and like to see the kids frequently, but there is a limit. If you're counting on parents or relatives for living space and childcare, its only fair to discuss it with them beforehand...

    I've lived through that. Maxxette boomeranged to live with us (12-14 years ago?) when she and her husband had financial difficulties. Me, Mrs. Maxx, Maxx Junior, Maxxette, Mr. Maxxette, two kids, Maxxette's giant dog all living in my little 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house was not an experience any of us would like to repeat. No diapers for me for 2 years, among other things. Intimate time with Mrs. Maxx....all but non-existent. All of the family relationships strained. The only positive was some quality time with two young grandsons.

    Eventually (but not before some heated conversations between us...) Mr. Maxxette got off my couch and joined the Army. He's still there, deciding to hang on for the pension. He's also got some valuable skills, so he'll be in demand when he gets out. They also learned their financial lessons, and now own 2 (or is it 3 now?) houses. He was always a good guy, he just needed direction, and the Army gave him that.

    P.S. The Army wasn't my idea, it was his. Not suggesting that's the right way for you to go, I just thought it was appropriate to mention how they got out of their difficulties....and out from under my roof. Beyond that, Maxxette eventually went back to school herself, and now has a Masters degree. No easy task with two kids and a husband who was overseas half the time. A hopeful sign perhaps for you... it would have been a lot easier if she'd done it when she was a kid, but it can be done later if you want it bad enough. I got some payback for my trouble as well. Mrs. Maxx would visit them to help out during the summer several years in a row, so I'd get a few weeks of uninterrupted diaper time.
    I know now is not the time for kids, I got that much, thank you for taking the time and effort to reply. I appreciate long, well-written, thoughtful responses. Your advice is solid and I will take note.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    My sister had a miscarriage a while back, she nor anybody in her surroundings smoke or drank, or really did anything partyish. On the other hand, there are still people who are pregnant and taking some type of illegal drugs, give birth, and somehow have a healthy child. Smoking, drinking, and recreational drugs are certainly going to make a pregnancy more difficult, but sometimes things just don't work out and it is unavoidable. Sometimes it is just the randomness of which sperm hit which of the two eggs first. It could have been that your child got the wrong blend of genetics which can still be one in a million between the same two people. The fact that life exists at all is a miracle in whatever definition of miracle you want that to be, so the act of creating an entirely new life, is a pretty significant and difficult process. I think it is really hard to find anybody to blame on this. It sounds like you guys tried really hard to keep away from the smoke, so it wasn't like you were being neglectful. If your Christian or something else, maybe you can say a little prayer to God and ask him to say hello to your baby, or just talk to the baby yourself, there is nothing wrong with meditation in the form of prayer if that is what you are into. If you are atheist, well, you know that life is what you make of it and this doesn't have to break you. Your baby knows no pain, and you can still try for another, or even make a baby that is already alive happy by adoption.

    I know that a lot of this still won't help remove the pain, but time will make it easier. I'm sorry for what you have gone through.
    Thank you for taking the time to reply.. I know you could have spent it doing something else and that means a lot.

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    Quote Originally Posted by aaronbabywolf View Post
    Oh my gosh, that is horrible! I can not fathom the depths of your sorrow and pain, but I am sorry for your loss. I pray things get better for you.
    Thank you Prayers are appreciated from fellow Christians.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner View Post
    I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be one of the hardest things to live through.

    My best friend had a miscarriage several years ago. I wanted to help and felt so helpless. It takes time to get over this.

    My friend's partner lives with Cystic Fibrosis and they were unable to conceive through the regular method. They went through In Vitro Fertilization. I learned about how expensive it was, not to mention the costs of medication and receiving shots in places you don't want to imagine. There's also no guarantee they would be able to conceive by undergoing this process. After having gone through it and all the work and sacrifice, she became pregnant.... and miscarried at nearly five months.

    A year later, after considering other options such as adoption, they decided to try again and put themselves through the IVM process all over again. I was so worried for them. What if it didn't work? What if she miscarried again? They were so devastated after the first experience. How much worse would it be if it happened all over again? I admired their perseverance and courage, but I was really concerned about them.

    On the second attempt, they gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl who is surrounded with so much love from her parents. She's two years old now.After having gone through such a rigorous, difficult process only to suffer the miscarriage, I think they, more than many people, appreciated the fragility of life and loved their daughter all the more for what they lived through. I can't imagine better parents anywhere on this planet.

    Take the time to heal together. You don't need to make any decisions right now. You will decide how to proceed when you are both ready. As for today, please accept my sympathy.
    Your sympathy is well recieved... I have so much going on my thoughts are just racing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    I am sorry to hear of your loss. I too have been through a miscarriage and the feelings you have is normal. I was a wreck for a couple of weeks. In my case everything was fine at a check up at 11:00 and at 2:30 she lost the baby. IT is very hard to go through.
    Thanks... I appreciate your response.. I just don't know how to stop thinking so much.

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