A truth not known until now

I have not worn diapers in over 2 years because I have not been able to afford them. I have been trying to get a job but the market for them is slim pickings. I even applied to Taco Bell and got nothing back. I have recieved many phone calls for jobs but I cannot take them due to lack of a GED or high school diploma. I feel so ashamed to not have graduated and I feel like my life is not headed in the right direction. I know that I should get a GED but all the excuses I can think of won't make any of you believe me when I say I just can't do it. I have a bad attitude because of depression, suicidal tendencies, social phobia, and many other things. I need someone to help me prove myself wrong... that I CAN do it and that I will make something of my life. I just keep trying to get better mentally first... I'm learning coping skills from my therapist. I DO NOT want pills... been there done that. They screwed up my eyes. I can see fine, but the color of them changes sometimes based on mood. This appears to be fading... and they are returning to my natural blue eyes. I have dark blonde hair often mistaken for brown. I have natural highlights in my hair. My facial hair is often too blonde so I shave it off to avoid people calling me something well.. that I'm not. I hope that I can improve myself enough to the point where I recognise when I'm doing something wrong... people are noticing that I'm changing for the better slowly but surely. The pain in my heart doesn't always fade but it does fade when I laugh with good friends or spend time with my fiance. I wish I didn't hate myself like I do... I'm trying to change that. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 15 but I probably should have gotten it much sooner seeing as my first depressing thought was around the age of three. No one should ever have to say that their first suicidal thought was at a young age and continued into adulthood. People say "Oh, it's just a phase." Yes because 3-19 is a phase right? Maybe they misunderstand the phrase, "Just a phase" but that's not of my concern. My one wish for being on this site is to gain friends of the same interest, get advice when I need it, and seek solice in the safety of the ADISC site.

Hi, Premetheus. I think it's wonderful that you're working hard to put yourself, your mind, and your heart in order. Many of us have been in difficult spots at various stages of our lives, but most lives are cyclical. If you're down, you'll be up soon enough, especially if you continue to work on yourself as you have been.

And, for what it's worth, you write and express yourself better than most, regardless of your formal education.

-RMS

Hey, Permetheus. You seem like you are a reasonably intelligent guy from your posts. Unless you lack complete arithmetic skills, you should be able to pass a GED, especially if you get some counseling, test preparation help. If you put your mind to it, you should do ok. Once you overcome this hurdle, you won't feel sorry for yourself and you can attack the world with your abilities. Go for it!

RMS401 said:

Hi, Premetheus. I think it's wonderful that you're working hard to put yourself, your mind, and your heart in order. Many of us have been in difficult spots at various stages of our lives, but most lives are cyclical. If you're down, you'll be up soon enough, especially if you continue to work on yourself as you have been.

And, for what it's worth, you write and express yourself better than most, regardless of your formal education.

-RMS

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Well I have tried many other schools ranging from online, offline, charter, and a home program. School just really de-motivates me because it was the reason I was bullied a lot of my life if not even still carrying on through today just from strangers and not peers. All the stress just really takes it out of me and I want to get back what I lost. I stopped going to school halfway through 10th grade because I physically (I got sick), emotionally, and mentally couldn't handle it anymore. I have been bullied from day one to now. I'm trying so hard not to care what mean people think of me.. I'm trying to take in the positive but the negative far outweighs the positive in my life. Thank you for the compliment... normally I'd argue against it, but I'm fighting instinct. I will continue to try to get a GED so I can do something with my life.

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chuck said:

Hey, Permetheus. You seem like you are a reasonably intelligent guy from your posts. Unless you lack complete arithmetic skills, you should be able to pass a GED, especially if you get some counseling, test preparation help. If you put your mind to it, you should do ok. Once you overcome this hurdle, you won't feel sorry for yourself and you can attack the world with your abilities. Go for it!

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I'm good at math but I hate it and am somewhat dependent on a calculator because that is just how I learned it. I know I could probably do well on the tests and whatnot for a GED the issue is entirely timing, gas money, and lack of personal motivation and the fact that I have a lot of personal issues I'm trying to cope with (see previous posts).

Too bad you aren't a musician because that's how I've supported myself almost my entire life. It's not easy, but you are sort of your own boss. There are jobs that allow you some freedom to do your own thing.

dogboy said:

Too bad you aren't a musician because that's how I've supported myself almost my entire life. It's not easy, but you are sort of your own boss. There are jobs that allow you some freedom to do your own thing.

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Can I tell you something? I am a musician... I just am not well known nor do I have a large fan base, or proper equipment and I also can't play any instrument... yet. I have a youtube channel even but it really has not gone anywhere.

Premetheus said:

Can I tell you something? I am a musician... I just am not well known nor do I have a large fan base, or proper equipment and I also can't play any instrument... yet. I have a youtube channel even but it really has not gone anywhere.

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I should remember what instrument you play because I'm sure you've talked about it, but since I don't, what instrument do you play or are you a singer? I've always been musical and begged for music lesson when I was a little kid. I took piano and then organ and the rest became history, or more like, my history. I couldn't really sing, but I attended Westminster Choir College, Princeton and there I had to sing. I eventually became head of the bass section for symphonic choir and sang at Philharmonic Hall, Carnegie Hall....places like that.

Having a descent musical instrument is essential if you're going to get anywhere, and they're always expensive. Since I was a church musician, the churches always supplied the instruments: pipe organ and piano. Over the years I've collected a number of keyboards, though I'd love to buy a Yamaha CLP (stupid laptop can't type fives or sixes so it's a five eighty five).

In college I practiced my instrument four hours a day and after graduation I upped it to eight hours a day. It takes a lot of serious work to become good at the craft but you can make money at it.

dogboy said:

I should remember what instrument you play because I'm sure you've talked about it, but since I don't, what instrument do you play or are you a singer? I've always been musical and begged for music lesson when I was a little kid. I took piano and then organ and the rest became history, or more like, my history. I couldn't really sing, but I attended Westminster Choir College, Princeton and there I had to sing. I eventually became head of the bass section for symphonic choir and sang at Philharmonic Hall, Carnegie Hall....places like that.

Having a descent musical instrument is essential if you're going to get anywhere, and they're always expensive. Since I was a church musician, the churches always supplied the instruments: pipe organ and piano. Over the years I've collected a number of keyboards, though I'd love to buy a Yamaha CLP (stupid laptop can't type fives or sixes so it's a five eighty five).

In college I practiced my instrument four hours a day and after graduation I upped it to eight hours a day. It takes a lot of serious work to become good at the craft but you can make money at it.

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I'm a singer, my voice is all I have of value musically.

Premetheus said:

I'm a singer, my voice is all I have of value musically.

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I just saw that in another thread of yours. Keep working at it. Bands are always looking for lead singers because they are very hard to find. The first rock band I was in was when I was in college, and we had a very good lead, but I sang a few of the songs, and that was my start. Everyone has to start somewhere.

dogboy said:

I just saw that in another thread of yours. Keep working at it. Bands are always looking for lead singers because they are very hard to find. The first rock band I was in was when I was in college, and we had a very good lead, but I sang a few of the songs, and that was my start. Everyone has to start somewhere.

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I would have thought lead singers would be plentiful but I guess not. I really just need a place to start.. my recording equipment is limited so the audio on youtube probably is not as good as it could be.

Premetheus said:

I would have thought lead singers would be plentiful but I guess not. I really just need a place to start.. my recording equipment is limited so the audio on youtube probably is not as good as it could be.

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Good equipment is horribly expensive. It can become a vicious cycle. About 20 years ago, I was playing keyboard in a band just for fun. We never really made any money, and we were just average. But our drummer had connections, and she told a guy who's past two bands had won Battle of the Bands competitions, and he came knocking on my door, asking if I'd play keyboard for his band. The rest became history as we became this incredible band, playing for as many as 20,000 people at a single gig. We even had Dave Matthews in our audience.

Once I was in that band, it paid so well that not only did it help significantly for my wife and I to put our kids through college. It also enabled me to buy a lot of really good equipment, stuff I still use. Sometimes it's all about being in the right place at the right time.

dogboy said:

Good equipment is horribly expensive. It can become a vicious cycle. About 20 years ago, I was playing keyboard in a band just for fun. We never really made any money, and we were just average. But our drummer had connections, and she told a guy who's past two bands had won Battle of the Bands competitions, and he came knocking on my door, asking if I'd play keyboard for his band. The rest became history as we became this incredible band, playing for as many as 20,000 people at a single gig. We even had Dave Matthews in our audience.

Once I was in that band, it paid so well that not only did it help significantly for my wife and I to put our kids through college. It also enabled me to buy a lot of really good equipment, stuff I still use. Sometimes it's all about being in the right place at the right time.

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I must be in the wrong place at the wrong time quite often then lol I never seem to have connections. I hope someday I'll get noticed by the right people.

Premetheus said:

I must be in the wrong place at the wrong time quite often then lol I never seem to have connections. I hope someday I'll get noticed by the right people.

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Keep working hard and have the courage to put yourself out there. That's something that I realized at a young age, to find the courage to take risks. It's not easy, but now at age 67, I have so many incredible memories, and I'm still making music.

dogboy said:

Keep working hard and have the courage to put yourself out there. That's something that I realized at a young age, to find the courage to take risks. It's not easy, but now at age 67, I have so many incredible memories, and I'm still making music.

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I do put myself out there only to be ignored so my lack of equipment and video edits are crippling any hope I have of going anywhere that I want to. My memory is also not great when it comes to lyrics so that could be problematic.

Premetheus said:

I do put myself out there only to be ignored so my lack of equipment and video edits are crippling any hope I have of going anywhere that I want to. My memory is also not great when it comes to lyrics so that could be problematic.

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I have a terrible memory, especially for lyrics. When I was a student, both high school and college, I had to memorize all the big pieces that I played. It wasn't easy but I did it. Now I find it to be almost impossible. Maybe it's because I don't have an angry teacher pushing me. I'm learning the Chopin Nocturne in E flat Major, and I realize that in order to play the complicated runs, I'm having to memorize them. It's been a very long process...sigh. I envy these young geniuses who come along and seem to easily memorize everything. That's never been me.