I have not worn diapers in over 2 years because I have not been able to afford them. I have been trying to get a job but the market for them is slim pickings. I even applied to Taco Bell and got nothing back. I have recieved many phone calls for jobs but I cannot take them due to lack of a GED or high school diploma. I feel so ashamed to not have graduated and I feel like my life is not headed in the right direction. I know that I should get a GED but all the excuses I can think of won't make any of you believe me when I say I just can't do it. I have a bad attitude because of depression, suicidal tendencies, social phobia, and many other things. I need someone to help me prove myself wrong... that I CAN do it and that I will make something of my life. I just keep trying to get better mentally first... I'm learning coping skills from my therapist. I DO NOT want pills... been there done that. They screwed up my eyes. I can see fine, but the color of them changes sometimes based on mood. This appears to be fading... and they are returning to my natural blue eyes. I have dark blonde hair often mistaken for brown. I have natural highlights in my hair. My facial hair is often too blonde so I shave it off to avoid people calling me something well.. that I'm not. I hope that I can improve myself enough to the point where I recognise when I'm doing something wrong... people are noticing that I'm changing for the better slowly but surely. The pain in my heart doesn't always fade but it does fade when I laugh with good friends or spend time with my fiance. I wish I didn't hate myself like I do... I'm trying to change that. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 15 but I probably should have gotten it much sooner seeing as my first depressing thought was around the age of three. No one should ever have to say that their first suicidal thought was at a young age and continued into adulthood. People say "Oh, it's just a phase." Yes because 3-19 is a phase right? Maybe they misunderstand the phrase, "Just a phase" but that's not of my concern. My one wish for being on this site is to gain friends of the same interest, get advice when I need it, and seek solice in the safety of the ADISC site.