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Thread: Childfree- Why so taboo?

  1. #1

    Default Childfree- Why so taboo?

    Hello everyone! I did a search on this topic, although I didn't really see any relevant threads discussing what I'm talking about.

    So I'm a part of DDLG and as a result, I am heavily into the caregiver side of a relationship. I'm a daddy dom and I love taking care of my girlfriend as a Little. I find it incredibly rewarding, cute, and even romantic. That being said, I also despise kids.

    Okay, I guess I don't "hate" kids, but I hate the thought of actually having my own. I know it's ironic, since I love being a "daddy", but whenever I think about having my own children, I feel repulsed. There are a number of reasons— they're messy, they're loud, they're EXPENSIVE, they're time consuming, they're stressful, they take away time from my loved one, they need constant attention, they need to be taught quite literally everything, etc. etc. etc. I could go on. Bottom line— I don't want kids of my own. Ever.

    Now I have no problem with people who want they're own kids. I'm not going to be disgusted by parents or wannabe-parents. I'm not going to think less of people who want kids or lecture people why having kids is not worth the trouble. I don't care what people want to do with their reproductive abilities or desire for future family. Yet, everyone seems concerned with MINE.

    I constantly get asked when I'm having kids/how many kids I want/if I'm excited to start my own family. I always answer calmly and politely, "Oh, I don't want to have kids. They're not for me." And of course, I'm frequently meant with a surprised look as if I just tried to proclaim myself as God, or something. Then comes "the storm."

    "WHY don't you want kids? Who wouldn't want kids? Don't you want a family? What if your wife wants them??"

    I really shouldn't have to explain myself. "Because I don't want them" should be a good enough answer, but it never seems to be. I explain myself, and then I get round 2:

    "You'll change your mind when you're older! *hearty laugh*" "Everyone wants kids once they turn *insert age here*!" "You'll fall in love and then you'll get baby fever!"

    No, I won't change my mind. In fact, as I got older, I changed my mind from 'wanting kids' to 'NOT wanting kids'. I'm 21, which is still young, sure. But this is something I absolutely know about myself. I used to always think that having kids was a requirement. I felt pressured into having them, so I told myself I did want them. As I got older, I realized "Hey, it's my life. I'm under no obligation to reproduce." I'd rather focus on myself, my loved one, and my career solely. If you want to add kids to that equation, great! For me, no thank you.

    Then of course, there's the 3rd round:

    "How could you be so selfish? I can't believe you don't want to have kids. What else is there to do in life? YOU WERE A CHILD ONCE TOO!11!"

    At this point, I just end the conversation, though it shouldn't get to this to begin with.

    I don't understand why people are so personally offended when I say I don't want kids. I don't insult kids, I don't tell them that having kids is a bad decision. I mind my own business and respect others' decisions. Yet, no one can seem to do the same for me.

    Am I alone on this? Am I really that strange and perplexing? Is not wanting kids REALLY that taboo? I'm constantly met with hostility and people commonly resort to offending ME just because they don't agree with my life choice. Which, by the way, affects them in no way whatsoever.

    I guess this was more of a rant than anything. I'm just wondering what are others' thoughts on this? Are there any childfree people here too? Are you met with hostility? If you're not childfree, do you find it "weird" that people don't want kids? Why such the big deal?

    Thank for reading, if you made it this far!

  2. #2

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    When I was younger, I probably considered having kids in the future. Nowadays though, no, I don't think they're at all for me. I don't see myself taking responsibility for another person for 18+ years. The way I look at it, I'm an [adult] baby myself, I'm the one that needs cared for; I'm not in the market to become a caregiver.

  3. #3

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    The urge to reproduce is incredibly strong. It has to be, for a species to endure in the long run. Species that don't have such a drive, tend to go extinct - just look at pandas. Half the problem is not the destruction of their habitat, nor the incredible inefficiency of their diet, but their sheer reluctance to have sex. Because it is instinctive, and so powerful, for most people, having kids is axiomatic. It is just the way that the world is. It's what humans do. So to come across someone who is adamant that they don't want kids is like encountering someone who refuses to breathe, or someone who claims that the sky is brown, or (if you are extremely devout) claims that God does not exist - it's a viewpoint that is so utterly alien to them that they simply cannot comprehend it. And since most people are somewhat solipsistic - they assume that their own personal experiences are representative of the human condition - if they cannot comprehend a viewpoint, they may believe that the person expounding it cannot really believe that.

    And to be fair, the people you meet may have a point. There are endless clichés about biological clocks for a reason. People do change their minds about things, often quite profoundly, and it can be quite jarring when you look back at what you used to believe, and wonder why you believed that. People change. It's entirely possible that a decade from now, you may actually want children.
    Last edited by Akastus; 20-Sep-2015 at 19:32.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnApple View Post
    [...]

    Now I have no problem with people who want they're own kids. I'm not going to be disgusted by parents or wannabe-parents. I'm not going to think less of people who want kids or lecture people why having kids is not worth the trouble. I don't care what people want to do with their reproductive abilities or desire for future family. Yet, everyone seems concerned with MINE.

    I constantly get asked when I'm having kids/how many kids I want/if I'm excited to start my own family. I always answer calmly and politely, "Oh, I don't want to have kids. They're not for me." And of course, I'm frequently meant with a surprised look as if I just tried to proclaim myself as God, or something. Then comes "the storm."

    "WHY don't you want kids? Who wouldn't want kids? Don't you want a family? What if your wife wants them??"

    I really shouldn't have to explain myself. "Because I don't want them" should be a good enough answer, but it never seems to be. I explain myself, and then I get round 2:[...]

    For me, no thank you.

    [...] though it shouldn't get to this to begin with.

    I don't understand why people are so personally offended when I say I don't want kids. I don't insult kids, I don't tell them that having kids is a bad decision. I mind my own business and respect others' decisions. Yet, no one can seem to do the same for me.

    Am I alone on this? [...] Are there any childfree people here too? Are you met with hostility? If you're not childfree, do you find it "weird" that people don't want kids? Why such the big deal?

    Thank for reading, if you made it this far!
    Dear JohnApple,

    I have not met with the degree of argumentation that you seem to have had, with making a conscious choice to not have children...

    I think that just blindly having children "because that's what you're supposed to do" ... is about as short-sighted and irresponsible as you can get...

    I commend you for making an individual choice; you ought to be rewarded for your responsibility, not chided at...

    I don't know if you are not wanting to be confrontational... so perhaps just ignore the question altogether... leave them hanging in an awkward silence to the matter... train yourself to go deaf to that particular question...

    You shouldn't have to defend yourself... so don't! Just let it drop to the floor and continue on... Maybe ask them, if they want anchovies on their pizza...

    I suspect too, that perhaps a number of the childbearing marchers may have found themselves envious of your decision... for all the "that's what your supposed to do" rhetoric, it didn't occur to them to make an individual choice for themselves too...

    This is Marka ... I support you!
    Good-day!



    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Akastus View Post
    The urge to reproduce is incredibly strong.[...] Because it is instinctive, and so powerful, for most people, having kids is axiomatic. It is just the way that the world is. It's what humans do. So to come across someone who is adamant that they don't want kids is like encountering someone who refuses to breathe, or someone who claims that the sky is brown, or (if you are extremely devout) claims that God does not exist - it's a viewpoint that is so utterly alien to them that they simply cannot comprehend it. And since most people are somewhat solipsistic - they assume that their own experiences are representative of the human condition - if they cannot comprehend a viewpoint, they may believe that the person expounding it cannot really believe that.

    And to be fair, the people you meet may have a point. There are endless clichés about biological clocks for a reason. People do change their minds about things, often quite profoundly, and it can be quite jarring when you look back at what you used to believe, and wonder why you believed that. People change. It's entirely possible that a decade from now, you may actually want children.
    I considered the instinctual aspects too... the thing of it is, we as humans are supposed to have this great conscious-mind to make decisions beyond instinctive reflex...

    I don't believe that we're actually above animals... though we certainly are different (even if animals of a sort ourselves)... "It is what animals do", humans have choice in the matter...
    -Marka

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    I considered the instinctual aspects too... the thing of it is, we as humans are supposed to have this great conscious-mind to make decisions beyond instinctive reflex...

    I don't believe that we're actually above animals... though we certainly are different (even if animals of a sort ourselves)... "It is what animals do", humans have choice in the matter...
    -Marka
    Of course we do. But it takes a conscious effort to go against instinct, and most people don't bother much of the time unless there's a powerful justification. Our instincts evolved for a reason, after all, and many of them are still relevant. Perhaps more importantly, in order to override instinct, you have to realise when your reactions are a product of instinct rather than reason. Few people like to acknowledge just how much of their behaviour is driven by biological imperatives.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Akastus View Post
    Of course we do. But it takes a conscious effort to go against instinct, and most people don't bother much of the time unless there's a powerful justification. Our instincts evolved for a reason, after all, and many of them are still relevant. Perhaps more importantly, in order to override instinct, you have to realise when your reactions are a product of instinct rather than reason. Few people like to acknowledge just how much of their behaviour is driven by biological imperatives.
    Well said Akastus!

    JohnApple, Thank you for using reason!

    -Marka

  7. #7

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    Thank you for the replies, everyone!

    I definitely realize that reproducing/having children is a biological instinct and therefore, may seem "unnatural" to not want to have kids. But honestly, I never expected the severity of the backlash that I have received. People aren't just confused, they're angry that I'm not having children, or at least that's what they sound like.

    We have evolved as a species to the point where we are capable of making our own decisions, going against what we're "programmed to do". But everyone does "unnatural" things every single day. Not only that, but it's generally very rude and unacceptable to judge someone on a harmless life decision. If you were to tell someone that their sexual orientation, eating habits, gender identification, clothing style, etc. etc. were "wrong", the vast majority of people would be shocked to hear someone say that. It would be considered extremely rude and ignorant, and with good reason. Yet when someone says "I don't want to have kids", it's perfectly 'acceptable' to belittle them, lecture them, and try to force your own views on them. I think that's what bothers me. People don't have to agree with my decision by any means, but why get so defensive about it?

    I'm very adamant about not having kids. There are multiple reasons, with a bunch of different scenarios that affected my decision throughout life. I didn't wake up one day and say to myself "Nope not feeling kids." It is something I feel very strongly about personally, and I don't appreciate someone telling me "You're wrong. You'll realize the 'right' decision later in life." We should be better than that as a society, as a SPECIES.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnApple View Post
    I definitely realize that reproducing/having children is a biological instinct and therefore, may seem "unnatural" to not want to have kids. But honestly, I never expected the severity of the backlash that I have received. People aren't just confused, they're angry that I'm not having children, or at least that's what they sound like.
    People fear what they don't understand, and fear is linked to anger. I re-emphasise - to some people, your viewpoint is incredibly alien, and it isn't that surprising that they might become defensive of their own life choices in response, which you may interpret as anger.

    Besides, it's hardly socially acceptable to say that you wish that you hadn't had kids, so it may be that some of them simply resent you because they wish that they had made the same choice. Jealousy is an ugly thing.

  9. #9

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    Hello JohnApple and welcome to the group.

    It is nice to see a newbie that brings up such a interesting discussion.

    I see nothing wrong with what I have read.

    I too had the same feeling up until I went from none to father of a nine year old with special needs in one "I Do"

    There is a LOT of responsibility to kids and you really have to have your mental age in control before you get hit with a bundle in your arms and realize his life depends on your. I was 43 when I had my first child and when they put that bundle into my arms I was still not ready for it. The emotional state I was in was nothing like I imagined, and the first thought through my mind was "OMG WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE".

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Akastus View Post
    People fear what they don't understand, and fear is linked to anger. I re-emphasise - to some people, your viewpoint is incredibly alien, and it isn't that surprising that they might become defensive of their own life choices in response, which you may interpret as anger.

    Besides, it's hardly socially acceptable to say that you wish that you hadn't had kids, so it may be that some of them simply resent you because they wish that they had made the same choice. Jealousy is an ugly thing.
    I suppose I can understand that. I'm just shocked at how close-minded some people are. As for jealousy... if that's the case than I suppose there's nothing I can say or do to calm them down about the topic!


    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    Hello JohnApple and welcome to the group.

    It is nice to see a newbie that brings up such a interesting discussion.

    I see nothing wrong with what I have read.

    I too had the same feeling up until I went from none to father of a nine year old with special needs in one "I Do"

    There is a LOT of responsibility to kids and you really have to have your mental age in control before you get hit with a bundle in your arms and realize his life depends on your. I was 43 when I had my first child and when they put that bundle into my arms I was still not ready for it. The emotional state I was in was nothing like I imagined, and the first thought through my mind was "OMG WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE".
    Thank you, it's great to be here! I totally get what you're saying about responsibility, and that is one of the major reasons why I don't want to have kids. I do NOT have what it takes to look after and care for a kid, and it gets worse as I get older. I can't even babysit for an hour. It's like literal torture to me. I think I'd be doing everyone a favor if I didn't have kids!

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