Fair warning, this post is really depressing so proceed with caution.
Things aren't going great for a number of reasons I'd rather not get into. Over the last year and a half or so I've developed a bad habit of fantasizing about committing suicide on a semi-regular basis as a form of comforting myself whenever things seem completely hopeless. It doesn't have to be for any huge reason either, that's the sad part. I'm constantly fighting to not fall into that deep depressive state that seems to lurk under the surface. Whenever I seriously fail at something, or I feel hated by my friends, or something bad happens that I know I can't fix, I fall back into this awful depressed state. Sometimes nothing has to happen at all for me to start feeling like this. Just out of the blue, I'll start feeling like I'm useless, my life is pointless, I'd be better off if I just stopped living. I just sit back and imagine putting a gun to my head and how it would be like flicking off a switch and just like that, it would finally be over. When I'm driving I'll think just how easy it would be to veer off the road and end it. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to make it stop. I know, I have so much to live for and what not, but if the bad outweighs the good by such a huge margin, is it really worth it? I don't enjoy wanting to die. It just brings me comfort to think that that's always an option if my life becomes unfixable.
I've never made a plan before, and I don't think I could actually do anything as I've always been a total wimp but I seriously scare myself when I get like this and I'm really glad my dad doesn't own a gun. The one thing that's stopped these fantasies from becoming a real possibility is the devastating effect it would have on my family. Maybe I'm just exaggerating and being a whiney overemotional teenager, or maybe this is serious. Maybe both. Sorry this probably sounds really incoherent and I'm still not doing a great job of explaining how I feel/why I feel this way. There's more to all this than I could possibly cover in one post. Can anyone relate to this in the slightest? I just had to get this out somewhere. Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated.