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Thread: Why does it take so long to get over the abuse?

  1. #1

    Default Why does it take so long to get over the abuse?

    Rather it was domestic abuse or child abuse or whatever abuse you have encountered why does it take so long to get over it?

    Now I know why I have resented my ex and why I had all these triggers and anger, he was abusive and emotional and I just found out he was a narcissistic. It means I am not crazy or too sensitive or a loser or holding a grudge. Even a short relationship with an abuser can cause you harm and damage, it doesn't take long at all

    I have been dealing with it by going to narcissistic forums and blogs and reading stories about it by victims and gosh I can relate which is why I strongly believe he was one and it is a spectrum so every narc is different and not all of them are attention seekers or have high self esteem or think highly of themselves. There are actually misconceptions about narcissism like they don't have low self esteem or that they all love themselves or that they don't really care what others think of them. I had no idea stereotypes existed about it which is why I never even guess my ex was one. The type he had is called covert narcissism and it's not really recognized by doctors. Narcs with that type tend to be shy and awkward, shy in social situations or socially awkward, they are loyal and nice and act nice to others you wouldn't even guess they are one. They are also very sensitive and emotional, it's easy to hurt their feelings so they cry. This was all him and they are considered low functioning on the narcissism spectrum and the worst kind. They are considered vulnerable and they tend to have anxiety or depression and vulnerable to stress, also him. Also they may not have relationship or never had one before and. He has only had one when we met so I was his second.

    I do remember a post here by a member about having autism and being over sensitive so he also cried a lot so I talked about my ex about why it's bad to be too sensitive and why it's toxic and he told me he thinks my ex used his emotions as an excuse to get his way. That was part of the eye opener for I didn't even know what being too sensitive meant and very emotional. I only knew about it from my ex and his was inaccurate because he was a manipulator. But it still wasn't enough for me then to start doing some research until I came across a blog called Lucky Otter's Heaven and she often blogs about narcissism and cluster B personality disorders and sometimes Asperger's so I started to read about it and then I looked it up and then I learned the term covert narcissism from the blogger and I looked that term up too and that is when it all clicked. I had made the discover about my ex. He was more than an asshole, more than a jerk and more than just having issues that needed to be sorted through therapy. And my mom said she thinks he was beyond help and she could be right because I have read that it's very tough to treat personality disorders and narcissism and most narcs don't change or recover because they don't see anything wrong or don't have the self awareness so I wonder if my mom already knew about him, she also told me he was just crazy. She just never labeled him as a narcissist. I once saw on another board by one of my former online friends that she felt sorry for me because I don't even know I get abused. She was right. I didn't know. Now I have made the discovery and it's been the hard truth but also a relief because it meant it wasn't my fault and it included good news with it too.

    I have started to think about going into counseling again because of this. At least it will be someone I can talk to and not worry about bothering them with my obsessive thinking when it's something I ever talk about only. They are paid for those things. Lot of people would not want to deal with this but them.

    But why is this so difficult to get over?

  2. #2


    Calico, dealing with abuse is not an easy thing to do. There's a lot that you have to not only learn, but accept in your heart and mind. You have to find the truth out, often through counseling and self-discovery, and understand that a lot of what happened wasn't something you did.

    I grew up under a narcissistic mother. It took me more than twenty years after leaving home to truly come to terms with everything that went on and all the stuff she pulled on me. To her, "children should be seen and not heard," was a big thing. I went to a military academy for my first six months after high school, mainly because of her pushing. I left the academy soon after because I discovered it wasn't what I wanted to do in life and my mother threatened me with zero support for college or anything after, she was so disappointed in me. When I got back home after leaving the academy, I had to take a cab to the house, both her and my stepfather couldn't be bothered to take the time to pick me up.

    This woman got upset with the lady I married because she wasn't from 'the right class of people'. Constantly put my wife down and upset her, but couldn't understand why I was bothered when I finally got smart enough to try and stop it. When she wanted to have my kids over the weekend of my son's birthday and we refused because we always spent their birthdays with them, she left a nasty voice mail threatening to 'sue me for every penny' to get to visit my kids. When I calmed down enough to try and talk to her on the phone, she told me she was sorry she ever gave birth to me. That ended our relationship.

    Just like your ex, she can't understand why I ended our relationship. Nothing she did or said was wrong, after all, she was upset and angry and that's why she said it. Everything that is wrong is not her fault, and so she sees no reason to change. Classic narcissist personality.

    Living under her as a child I couldn't see it, she was 'Mom'. Now, I refuse to use that word for her. It took me almost twenty years to get out from under her and see what was going on. Now, I'm living a happier and healthier life. My biggest worry is that we are putting on a wedding ceremony for my oldest daughter next year and that woman may try to show up uninvited. I'm more than willing to talk and let you know what it was like for me and what it took me to discover, understand, and accept.

  3. #3


    My ex also put anyone down that wasn't right for him. He even put my family down too to my face. He even put me down by telling me how low functioning I am and how bad my self help skills were and he just didn't seem to listen to me when I would explain things, he was willful ignorant. But he was very "honest" he said and said he doesn't lie. I suspect he hid behind the honesty to be abusive and to put me down and to convince me.

    Fortunately he abandoned me so that was a good thing for me even though it hurt. I was basically tossed out like an appliance. I think now it was because I couldn't keep my mouth shut, I couldn't be the way he wanted me to be, he was being found out due to my big mouth, my parents may have scared him off because they kept coming to the area to "visit" my aunt and uncle, his games didn't work with me due to me not knowing his intentions, I refused to be into what he wanted me to be, I refused to stop talking to my friends online just because they had a penis and to my parents, also because I kept on asking him questions whenever a noticed a change in detail about his stories or whenever something didn't add up because I wanted it to make sense than assuming it's a bunch of bull. He would get defensive and upset with me when I would say things like "I thought you said..." but yet I often felt like I needed a tape recorder and record everything we talked about because he was telling me I said this or that or he never said that, I did. I like to see this as me being lucky if he let me go and went silent on me. Some victims can't get away from their narcs because they want to keep them and control them. My ex was the type who would let his victims go if they wanted to. His ex girlfriend finally walked out on him and he could never understand why she left him and he told me she always played the game of threatening to leave him and take their son with so he stayed. But I think she was using that threat to keep him from abusing her and she finally grew a bone one day and left him and she did take their son and was doing anything she could to keep him away and to keep full custody according to him and they always met in a parking lot when it would be time for him to get their son when it would be his time to spend a week with him and a month during the summer and she was always with her new boyfriend when they would drop her son off and to pick him up. This should tell me something so I have wanted to get in touch with her and to talk about him but sadly I couldn't find her on Facebook so my questions may never be answered and I don't feel comfortable talking to her son since he has his dad who is now a woman now on his friends and listed as his mother and I found his half sisters too but they were 11 and 13 when she left him and I am not sure how their relationship is with my ex but he got along with his son when we were together and they acted like best friends.

    But because he wants control, he had decided if he couldn't control his next victim, he will let them go. And the ironic thing is he told me he didn't want to be a control freak so he never stopped me from doing anything or tell me I couldn't do it but he sure made it feel I couldn't do it or it will upset him and cause him to ignore me. He also told me he didn't want me to change, he only wants me to change if I want to, not because of him. He also told me wants me to do it because I want to, not because he wants me to because he didn't want to be a control freak. His actions always contradicted what he would say. Actions speak louder than words. I made the mistake listening to his words than listening to my feelings. I felt he was controlling and I was right. If other people say he is, then he probably is. It doesn't matter what he says about it. I suspect he was accused of being a control freak so he changed his ways but he was still controlling. He just learned to do it differently. I also don't know if his lied about his abuse or not his ex girlfriend did to him but I have also found out that with narcissists, they are always the victim, they were either in a abusive relationship with their ex, bla bla bla and they all turn out to be lies so that I don't know about my ex. But my mom doubts his ex abused him. In fact she thinks he abused her and I think she may be right because of how he treated me and thought could be why she actually left him and doesn't want her kids talking to him at all and not let their son talk to his dad and he wasn't allowed to see her daughters at all. Back then I just thought she was a jerk and an ass for doing alienation and trying to do parental alienation but now I wonder if it was due to the abuse and I have no idea how he treated her daughters and how well they got along despite his good stories about them and sounding like a good father to them. He even saw them as his daughters and wanted custody over them too. He had raised them for eight years. But it's also possible she was abusive too as he said and sometimes both people abuse each other and I don't know if she was a narc too if what he said about her was true.

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