Ok so about at the start of last year, I started developing intense feelings of wanting a woman (who used to be an occasional baby sitter, was a family friend and was about 8/9 years older than me) that I had been rejected by (which had plunged me into depression and instances of self harm) and loved/was obsessed with to be my Mommy.
I initially sought counseling (for the 2nd time, I had previously counseling sessions related to the same issue) specifically to try and work these feelings out. Though I did try hard, I still didn't find anything to do with my relationship with my mother that was amiss. I did discover however that in actual fact I feel remarkably distant from my family. My dad is an alcoholic, my brother is just so different to me and also treats women badly and I don't feel any real strong guilt about not seeing my mum often even though I know she wants to. I don't feel anything strong to them to be honest. A couple of years ago my brother got run over and very nearly escaped death/being a vegetable for the rest of his life. I didn't feel a thing the whole time with perhaps one exception where I visited him at the hospital (I only did this twice I think) and he was very obviously under the effects of his brain damage.
Through some studies I've recently found it appears having ab/dl desires whilst having no history of abuse/neglect is actually the norm amongst us but my personal case seems to differ in two major ways to the majority.
1. I have only started to have these desires at the age of 20 whereas most tend to report something like just never 'growing out' of diapers and such when about 9/10.
2. My desires have stemmed from my love/obsession with one person in particular.
With regards to no.2, I am still trying to figure out whether my ab/dl desires are exclusive to this one person or whether I would truly like to live out my fantasies with other people that aren't her.
There is a lot more to tell which I am happy to divulge but I just thought I'd be concise as I can for my first post, seeing as this has been my life story for about 3 years.
Am I real ab/dl or has my mind just essentially made up a new quality to project onto this woman as a means of resisting getting over her.