Writing this is a struggle finally admitting this to myself has been hard and now I feel really incredibly lost and I due to anxiety I feel like I can't talk to any of the people in my life who know about my little side because I feel as if I turn to them for help to often and I'm just not feeling up to it. I guess my hope is maybe I can find some help from you guys hopefully! So before I ask my question I guess I need to give some major background and part of that struggle is keeping it concise. So my last relationship romantically was about two years ago and to be honest I think it's taken me all this time to fully recover from it, but I'm not walking away without scars. The reason I realize this is because very recently like two days ago someone agreed to be my mommy. She's honestly a wonderful person and we have a lot in common, but she is also in a romantic relationship with another person and so her being my mommy is basically no-romantic. I guess the problem I'm reaching is two fold firstly I'm afraid I've realized to truly open myself again and pursue a true relationship because I'm afraid to be hurt again. The second problem requires a bit more background.
I am afraid of taking the risk of going into the relationship partly because of fear on the part of the other party but also fear on my part. See here's the problem I have since I was young broken down my mind to three parts because it's just how I understood myself. One part is my passion,anger,bitterness and hatred. It's also the part of me that does not want to be hurt and would rather just be alone because then no one could ever hurt me. If I just kept everyone as friends then things wouldn't have to get complicated. The other part is my social face it's friendly considerate and cares a lot about keeping relationships and keepiing things balanced and centered and lastly there is my little. My little is friendly out going and bold he is unafraid and open to the world and yet he's the most vulnerable part of me the part I protect the part I don't really show the world because every other part of me is afraid of rejection. My little is the only part of the three that sort of has his own identity like it's something I can manifest and express exclusively, but ultimately all three parts make who I am. They make me, me.
So I guess here is my main concern about having a mommy who I am very fond of and one who I guess is fond of me. I'm just not sure I trust myself with non-platonic relationships of any sort which I feel a CG/L relationship is non-platonic. I'm afraid of developing feelings for her beyond my little like me as a person. I'm afraid of this because I'm not just a little haha I'm a whole person with feelings and everything and even if I can manifest my little at times ultimately it's just another part of the whole picture of me. I'm afraid of actually like liking her and having these feelings get out of hand. I respect her and I know she's in a relationship so I'd rather not have those kinds of feelings, but I'm still nervous that they'll develop and this kinda just makes me reluctant to accept her offer of being my mommy. I really freaking want to, but I'm not sure I can because I'm afraid of my own emotions of my own heart of my own feelings.
I guess I'm just really seeking advice or perspective. I mean should I just go for it and try to learn as much as I can? I get the feeling I should just go for it and if I fail well then hell at least I can hopefully learn from the experience right? Isn't that what life is about?
It's possible to do these things platonically but it doesn't work for everyone and in every case. If you think you can do it, talk with your friend and let her know ofn your concerns. You need to be ready to end it if it gets into dangerous territory and she has a right to make an informed choice on this.
One that you can only answer and decide yourself. Which I think you did already? Partially at least, since you listed some of the pros and cons to it.
As you mentioned yourself, obviously you would learn some things, gain experience, besides that first and foremost your little side would have a lot of fun. Which is what you're seeking, right? Or perhaps not as much? You sound a bit like you'd rather find a partner... someone as potential relationship material, instead of just having a playpartner.
I'm just saying, and I don't mean you should let it go at all. Just a bit brainstorming about what you said.
So basically it's the problem with keeping it platonic, which you'd need to do, since she has a working relationship... and trying to go inbetween that... Well I would not suggest to do this. So you need to keep out serious emotions, while there is a chance they may develop over time. That's the thing, can you stop this from happening or would you be okay to end the whole thing abruptly if this worst case scenario would emerge? Or do you have any other emergency plan?
From my own perspective... or experience simply and to be honest. I couldn't do that. I would have to keep this person very much on distance... otherwise there would be feelings. They would develop no matter if I'd like this to happen or not. Despite that I may feel like it's not the right partner, it would still be a kind of intimate relationship for me. To keep it short: It wouldn't end well. I would feel sad, or even disregarded and very envious seeing this dear person with someone else, while myself just being only something to "play" with. Perhaps I would have fun, my little side surely would, but those negative feelings would still make this unbearable after some time.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to talk you out of it. I only want you to ask yourself if it wouldn't be the same for you. Would you be able to keep the distance, keeping it romance free and furthermore not getting emotional on a basis you'd feel like you're in a commitment between two people with those specific unspoken rules.
If you're able to see past this in a way, so just to have some fun, while being able to be little actually from time to time - then there's nothing wrong with it. Just have some fun. It's nothing wrong about it, if it's consensual.
Regarding relationships, or to be specific being afraid to truly open yourself again, since you just might end up hurt... Of course you know, as we all do, this might happen. But still, don't be afraid to open yourself to someone, if you feel it may be the right person to do so. Don't hide yourself and what you truly feel just because of this. We all have been there, we did all end up hurt, everyone hurts. The chance to encounter someone who has been through this themself is rather high and this person might also be afraid.
What matters however is to keep going on. Talk to people, date if you feel like it. Be in a relationship if you found someone and think it might work... despite that you may simply stumble into one by chance. But be open about it. And by the time when you truly get to know this special someone, then don't be afraid to open yourself. Ultimately this depends on yourself and how you feel about it, when you think it's the right time to talk about this whole aspect of yourself. Of course it may feel wrong to drag it into an relationship. However, those kind of things are not easily mentioned and explained in the beginning and you're not forced too. Just do it at your own pace, when you're ready, if at all. You don't have to, especially if you don't feel like it would be the right thing to do at any given point or in any relationship at all. But I think nonetheless it's important to gain some experience simply. If it's not serious that don't make it by your own... it just shouldn't have been then. And maybe in time you will find the right person to share this.
I wish you best of luck, no matter if you want to go for this play partner thingy or eventually not. :-)
I think that is very possible that you start having some feelings towards your friend. But, these feelings might not be romantic as you fear.
I speak from experience of having developed some feelings that were not romantic but were still of love and care and I guess intimacy as well in the past. It's hard to explain, I have romantic feelings but sometimes there are girls that you get these, call it motherly, caring or nurturing instincts vibe from, and you get all these feelings who are not romantic but they kind of feel as strong or similar but different and not sexual at all.
It's kind confusing lol but you might be confusing both feelings I believe, so I think it's relevant for this topic.
You mentioned that you're still healing from a past relationship, that you aren't sure you can be in a CG/l relationship without romantic feelings entering the picture, and that you're wary of her existing romantic partner. This isn't a tidy little situation, but I don't think it's too hard to organize, either.
So, first thing: still-getting-over-the-last-one. Whether or not you're ready to be in a new relationship is something only you can make your mind up about. Nobody can blame you if you decide you have more healing to do first -- it's OK. Even if you decide this isn't something you can or want to do right now, you'll have other opportunities to try out this type of relationship. It may hurt, but if that's the right choice for you to make, trust yourself and let it go.
However, this might be something you are ready for -- at least ready to seriously consider. In that case, let's talk about the feelings.
(Im so sorry, this got so long haha I put some of it under shortcuts so it's easier to read!)
Here is a very important concept you may not have thought about before:
People can't predict how their feelings will grow and develop. You don't know how you're going to fit with someone until you're actually with them -- in other words, the dynamic between two people can't be predicted, because it doesn't exist until they're together. You just don't know until you try.
You seem to imply that if it's just your little that is involved with her -- or has a relationship/connection with her -- then it won't be romantic. But if the rest of you -- the whole "you" -- gets attached to her, then it will be or might be romantic. I would suggest: don't assume that you will be able to control the amount of intimacy you feel with her. CG/l is very powerful, and it overrides the most determined thoughts. Not to mention, if your little is the realest part of you, then of course there will be a deep connection if you "click," and it may just bypass your different-parts.
Nobody can guarantee you won't have romantic feelings for her. It just can't be ensured, not by you or anyone else. So that's a possibility you really need to make peace with beforehand. If you're not willing to risk that happening, then you probably shouldn't pursue this.
Last thing -- which is really all the other things too: her other partner.
In a situation with multiple relationships, everyone really needs to be fully aware of everyone else. (Secrets are BAD! So so so bad! Secrets always end up destroying trust.) And IDEALLY, everyone involved will be happy about (and for) everyone else.
Ideally, this other person will be just as delighted as you are that you (might) get to be with her. There definitely shouldn't be any hostility. If there is, you probably want to steer clear of the whole situation, because it's messy, and unpleasant, and just really hurtful for everyone involved. You shouldn't have to put yourself in a position to get bombarded by this other person's insecurities -- and neither should your friend.
BUT -- it is typical for everyone to be a little nervous. If the other partner is just genuinely worried, you should really try to sit down and talk with them about it: what you want, what your concerns are. Listen to their worries, try to understand, and reassure them if you can. Such as saying: "I don't want to develop feelings for her and interfere with your relationship, because I know you're very important to her and I respect the fact that you're together. I don't have any intention of coming between you, but I'm not too sure where this might end up. It's a bit of an unknown for me, to be honest. But, as long as you're really OK with it, I'd like to try."
However, here's where it gets tricky, no? Because maybe this third person is OK with you and her being together as long as there's no romantic attachment. (I assume that also implies no sexual attachment, but that distinction is up to you three.) But what does that even mean? Do they draw the line at you and her having sex? Or being sexually attracted? Or falling in love with each other? Or being romantically attracted? Or kissing? Is it actions that are a problem, or feelings? You should find this out for sure. What's okay and what's not okay with your friend's other partner? And can you live with that?
And there, again. No one can promise you won't develop romantic (or sexual) feelings toward your lady friend once you're in a relationship. So if you do, what's the plan? How will you both handle that? Talk to her about it and see what you agree on. And worst-case scenario ... being absolutely blunt, here ... what if it comes to a choice between her and you, or her and the other partner? Will they take priority, because theirs is the pre-existing relationship? Can you live with that idea?
These are things that need to be discussed ahead of time. Trust me, you don't want to be surprised with "I thought you knew," or "well I just assumed that we'd..." So, be really really clear with each other. You may save yourself some heartache later.
If either of them -- or you -- aren't able or willing to communicate this openly and honestly, this is probably not a situation you want to put yourself in. (Polyamory, romantic or platonic, is hard. These relationships have to be a lot stronger than normal ones, I think, because they're under more strain. It can be SO rewarding, but even when it's good, it's hard.)
In general, I would suggest taking it really, really slow. Don't do any Fun Stuff until you've discussed this to a point of feeling genuinely comfortable and relaxed with the whole idea (including her other partner), and you feel at least moderately okay with every potential outcome. All those floaty happy chemicals from budding caregiver attachment can make it really hard to think clearly, or make choices aligned with what is really best for you.
Believe me, even though it can be frustrating to work that hard up front -- everything is so much more amazing once it's in place! That's a true relationship: built on understanding, acceptance, integrity, trust. It's worth the effort. In my very humble but experienced opinion.
Wooh, thank you FaennaJo, for such a well thought out and written post. An thanks for bringing up so many different points. You are right though. I have no idea how the relationship will impact me and I need to accept that. It is just really hard sometimes cause I want to plan for all outcomes which isn't really a helpful or productive habit honestly. I can't respond to all of your post, but just know I am very grateful.