Hi all, I've lurked on the forum for a while but finally thought I should set up an account. I was wondering if I could ask for some advice about an issue that has been troubling for many years but has seemed to escalate in recent years as I get older.
I've been a DL since I was quite young and I've always been very cautious of embracing this side of my life. I've always felt very guility for being a DL however I've slowly come to accept it as part of my life, albeit privately.
I am very confused about my sexuality which is really causing me great issues in my life. I've never had any interest in having sex so I recently came to the conclusion that I must be asexual. I have always however had a sexual interest in diapers and have fantasised about the idea of my male friends being put back in diapers and regressed to 'babyhood'.
What is deeply concerning me is that I have no interest in a relationship of any sort and I get aroused by the idea of friends (both older and younger than me) getting put back into diapers. I tend to prefer fantasising about my friends when they were younger (pre-16) as it feels more realistic and I get aroused by the idea of someone being forced back into diapers. My huge concern is that this isn't healthy as I'm worried that it's bordering on pedophilic thoughts. Quite frankly, if that was the case then I would be unable to live with myself. I can just able cope with being an AB and Asexual but I couldn't cope with having those sort of thoughts.
I've never got aroused by anyone (without thinking of them in diapers) so my hope is that I'm aroused by the diapers aspect and the idea of younger people in diapers is purely just because i like to imagine 'realistic' scenarios which is why I fantasise about that. Another reason I worry is that that I enjoy spending time with children as there's no pressure with them and the conversation is about 'carefree' issues and there is no talk of relationships, sex, etc. I also think being around children takes me back to a time in my life where I was happy and secure (I'm almost envious of them and want to swap places with them!)
I used to consider myself a pretty successful and popular guy (Working in a very good job and very sporty) but lately I'm getting more and more withdrawn as I think there's something wrong with me due to the reasons above. As I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone, I think I just get more and more paranoid that there is something wrong with me. This whole idea in my head that something was wrong with me came around as I've always loved working with kids to inspire them and coach football so while working, I decided to start coaching a youth football team. My friends always used to joke that I was a 'pedophile' as I was always with the kids which started to put seeds of doubt in my mind about whether there was some truth in it as I did enjoy coaching the kids and spending time with them. In some ways, I prefered their company to that of my friends. With the combination of being asexual and the thoughts I have as a AB, I was so worried that there might be some truth in my friends jokes that I have totally given up coaching just in case they are right. It's also totally freaks me out that they could be right.
For the record, I would never ever do anything to a child (I'd kill myself first!) but I'm now crazily scared that there is something wrong with me. Does anyone have any advice? Is there something wrong with me for having those thoughts or is it quite common for an DL to fantasise about the sort of things I am.
Would be very grateful for some reassurance or some advice as I'm going out of mind with worry. Thank you.