In the past few years I've had some pretty horrible twists in luck. Unfortunately, despite the fact that things are better now, I still hold some resentment and contempt for my family due to some of those events that happened through the earlier 2010's. I find it irrational that I feel this lack of love and full-blown contempt for them, but it's just that way, I'm afraid. I really don't want to let go of the feeling of dread I get when around them.
Now, let's start with the events where I was the antagonist. Put that at around 2009-2011. I was a horrible, spoiled brat who was bullied in school who, by the end of high school, got so angry and felt so much contempt for people that they were never happy no matter what you threw at them. By that time I was an irritating teen child who purposely annoyed their classmates just because they hated them, and at home fights against the mother were very plentiful. Of course, the bullying wasn't the full cause of the anger. I also had an odd disorder that I didn't even know about that helped contribute to the anger where I flew off the handle at people eating or making noises that frustrated me. It just made me feel a very irrational sense of anger, pain, sadness, ect. I didn't discover what that was until 2012. During this time my mother sent me to live with one of my sisters because the fighting became too much, and I hated living with her because she thought that she could make me snap out of my anger just by forcing me to do labor and restricting my internet access (which I used to escape that anger), and I stayed there for about a month or two. I also did all the work that was given to me, but in being a spoiled, lazy brat, I only did it to spite my mother. That was also the year I dropped out of high school. After awhile I got back with my mom, and the fighting continued, but I was home again.
Of course, things got progressively worse from there. Now, along with having that disorder that caused the anger, I was also starting to see just how horrible my family really can be. I have four sisters, two being twins and two not being twins. In 2010, between the bullying and the onset of the one disorder, one of the twins' husband died. After that she started hitting heavy on the alcohol, and well into 2013-early 2014 she harassed and abused my mother and blamed her for everything that happened to her in the past. I had to listen while she brow-beat and harrassed her. Hell, even got physical with her, but I couldn't call the police because they would resent me for it, and have resented one of my other sisters for doing that. That was one sister I began to resent. She still gets drunk and harasses everyone, but this time it's over the phone instead of in-person.
Her twin, who seems to help me and give me what I need while I am in college, is really no better, and I strangely resent her more despite her helping me the most. In 2011, after getting tonsil surgery, she saw me as a piggy bank. Why? Because I was prescribed Oxycodone, and she decided that it was a good idea to take my medication that I needed while in that extreme pain and sold it so she could have money because she always pushes herself into debt somehow. Not only that, but she cheats on her husband with another guy that she went to school with, pulls her daughter along with the person she cheats with, cheats on that guy with another person (who happens to be a blood relative because adoption), and complains when she finds out the man she is cheating on her husband with is with another girl despite the fact that the man she is cheating with KNOWS she is cheating on her husband with him. There was another thing that she did to me, that you will not believe, where she exorcised me and forced me to read the Bible because I was exhibiting odd/suicidal behavior. I hate talking about that. It just sends me into a really horrible emotional state, and when she goes into radically religious mode I freeze up and get depressed for days. Weeks, even, because I am afraid she's going to do what she did at that time again. The things she says are radical to the point where even some of the most out there of radical Christians would shake their head in disgust. The worst part is she hasn't even read the Bible. She knows absolutely nothing of it. She also loves to take my money whenever I get a college refund, and always takes a sizable cut from it. In July 2013 I was in a car crash in a car that was insured by her provider because she previously owned the car. I had a concussion and a minor injury, but beyond that I was fine. Despite that, however, she forced me to go through tests and tried to make me fake injuries so she could get a nice few grand cut of insurance money, because she somehow thought that, with my minimal injury in the situation, she could bump up $3,000 in damages to $20,000 so she could get at least that minimal amount from me. I went ahead and settled the insurance case, being tired and frustrated from being pestered to fake injuries and such, and took the $3,000. When that happened she was not happy, and took a couple hundred of a cut out of it. I planned to give half of it to my mother, but that never happened, because through all of the browbeating and tugging that goes on whenever I have money I just gave up and blew most of the rest of it, minus a couple of medical bills from the other issue.
The other sister, who isn't one of the twins is a pill addict. She hasn't personally fucked with me yet, but she did ditch me and the one sister from the above paragraph(s) in South Carolina 2 hours away from where we were staying in the Charleston Air Force Base to visit family, which forced me to call them to let us in from a random little store. She ditched us because the one twin left her pills in her purse and left her pills at their house, where they turned back so they could steal them from her. They even confessed it while I was sitting out on the porch with them that night.
My mother gets it from every one of us, and I admittedly still love her, unlike the rest of them, but due to me being trans and due to the disorder that causes noise sensitivity and mood swings (Misophonia) I can't spend much time with her without an argument happening. She won't let me transition, my family refuses to let me transition and be myself, and I am horrible person for being a spoiled brat in the past and for hating my family/arguing with my mother the way I do.
Right now my goal is to just make my own way and abandon them all. I want a new life, and a new beginning, so I can just forget about my sisters. Is it a bad thing that I feel that resentment towards them? That I just stay there and pretend to love them until I am capable of getting out on my own? Is this even the right place? I may delete this rant, but every so often I need to do it or I will explode. I think it's especially wrong that I still resent them because things have been relatively normal since mid-late 2014. Maybe I am still just a selfish, spoiled brat. Maybe I wasn't abused, or what I have suffered at their hands was karma working its magic. I really don't know. I am confused as to what to do or how to make my own way. College and patient care/med classes are a start, I suppose.