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Thread: Conflicted Regarding my want to Transition (TW for gender dysphoria & depression mentions)

  1. #1

    Unhappy Conflicted Regarding my want to Transition (TW for gender dysphoria & depression mentions)

    I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much; the reason is that something has left me feeling very conflicted & depressed lately, that something being my gender identity.

    I was assigned a female at birth & am physically female. Growing up I was very feminine, but around the time I started puberty, I began changing my gender presentation. I cut my hair short & started trying very hard to get into stereotypical masculine interests, like sports & comic books (the interest in comic books stuck). Since puberty, I have often not felt "right" or at peace with my physical body.

    A few years ago (two to three), I started questioning my gender identity, & found some comfort in a FTM community & identity. Again, though, I felt like I had to be hyper masculine in order to be transmasculine. I still had (& still have) stereo-typically feminine interests & identify with fictional female characters more than male ones (mostly). However, I feel this strong pressure to be a stereotypical man in order to be considered a "real man" by the FTM community. This has left me feeling very conflicted, confused, & sad. Can I still be considered transmasculine, even if I'm more feminine than stereo-typically masculine?

    In addition, I'm not sure that I'd want to transition fully; the negative side effects of HRT really scare me, & sometimes (rarely) I feel somewhat okay or neutral about my female body, so I'm questioning if transitioning is really the right thing for me. Is there such a thing as a partial transition? Can I make my features only somewhat more masculine, without transitioning the whole way (I'm interested in top surgery, but not bottom surgery)? I'm very confused & frustrated about all of this, & I feel somewhat lost, so any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you very much to anyone who reads this.

  2. #2

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    Hey there I'm kinda new around here but consider myself a super masculine guy..... Have a full beard, work a very masculine job, love cars, trucks, camping, hunting, act......... And look none of that matters, and none of that matters with you either, you do whatever you want and feel comfortable with and damn whoever tells you that you don't belong ...... Basically you are who you are and the people who matter love you no matter what ....... Best of luck to you

  3. #3

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    You are who you are and you are special and unique. Finding which label matches you perfectly is unlikely. Deciding who you are and what you need to do (if anything) is all you need to do. You may be a female with strong masculine tendencies, a FTM with strong feminine tendencies, or yourself.

    Why would the FTM community expect hyper-males? How can you be more male than male? Is this a supportive group?

    Regarding transitioning, I am not aware of partial transitions. I also feel that this could lead to more conflicting thoughts from you and those around you in the future. Having had 4 surgeries myself, I am leery of potential side-effects there also. Nerve damage is not something they just add a couple bolts and call it good. All of my surgery sites hurt daily. One ended up entrapping nerves; those nerves were frozen to death as a solution. You may ask others about the transition surgeries and possible complications. Are we talking about cutting sex organs and replacing them? How well do the nerves work afterwards? Anyone end up numb there?

    HRT is not something I am familiar. However, I am curious if you know of the associated cost and what happens if the therapy is halted for some reason. For medications I take, suddenly stopping them is a major concern.

    Now, one option that you may consider as a partial transition option is weight lifting and working out. This will give you a flatter chest, larger, more masculine muscles, and more testosterone naturally. It also raises endorphin levels in the brain which makes you happier. I have met some female Marines with the curves of a Humvee: it works.

    What is it about your physical body that does not feel right? How would transitioning change that feeling? These are two questions only you can answer and need to know.

    In the end, this is about what you would like to do for yourself. Whatever you do, someone who does not matter will not be happy. For that matter, my opinion is not even here because it is worthless to you. What you want to do is make an informed decision and go with it as long as it works. As soon as you decide your gender identity and how you want your body, the conflict ends. This can be FTM untransitioned. You can decide today to accept your body as it is today, work out until your muscles hide your feminine shape, or transition. Regardless of how you proceed, doubting will continue to cause conflict and depression.

    Man up and have the courage to be who you are. Best of luck.

  4. #4

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    There are situations where anxiety slows you down but then you say 'fuck it' and jump in with both feet, and the experience turns out to be fantastic. This is not one of those situations. Be absolutely certain this is what you want before you go under the knife. In the mean time, accept the fact that you are not certain and get on with the business of living your life. Have faith that if and when the time comes for drastic change you will know it.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by babyboiquinn View Post
    [...] I'm very confused & frustrated about all of this, & I feel somewhat lost, so any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you very much to anyone who reads this.
    Dear confused & frustrated (babyboiquinn)

    I am basically on the opposite side of the same fence as you... though a fair bit older and much later to come to conscious terms with this sort of thing...

    Having said that... you've got some very good replies here... and I'll add one more from my own personal experience...

    "Transition" in your mind and your heart... as said, be who you are... because that my dear... is what you are!

    Everyone has to draw up their own personal design and, take their own personal path to who their self is (and isn't)... it's really quite up to you alone...

    It's unfortunate, though an understandable human facet; that groups (including support groups), can become a bit or more inflexible and rather militant in their cause... well intending and all... In my estimation, if you are feeling pressure at all... you are either not ready, and/or this isn't for you...

    For my own health issues and concerns with creating more health problems (more pain, and/or reduced sensations)... surgery is not a viable option for me... BUT, I don't need surgery to be me... I'm already me... and, with thanks to this site... and some very special people in my life; I've come to appreciate that in a very functional way... and I've found, if you transition your heart and mind, the rest is really rather more aesthetic... I say that with some trepidation for those who may see nothing other than absolution via the physical appearance... and, it is largely appearance... again, without disrespect or condemnation to those who have or will surgically and hormonally alter themselves... Just be you babes, just be you...

    You may be surprised at how you appear to others when you carry yourself as who you are... not what you're supposed to be...

    And, be any combination... of what is stereotypical and, everything that's not... and for any moment and, for any amount of time... that you wish and choose to be...

    Transition to you... it will set you free...

    My best,
    -Marka

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by babyboiquinn View Post
    I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much; the reason is that something has left me feeling very conflicted & depressed lately, that something being my gender identity.

    I was assigned a female at birth & am physically female. Growing up I was very feminine, but around the time I started puberty, I began changing my gender presentation. I cut my hair short & started trying very hard to get into stereotypical masculine interests, like sports & comic books (the interest in comic books stuck). Since puberty, I have often not felt "right" or at peace with my physical body.

    A few years ago (two to three), I started questioning my gender identity, & found some comfort in a FTM community & identity. Again, though, I felt like I had to be hyper masculine in order to be transmasculine. I still had (& still have) stereo-typically feminine interests & identify with fictional female characters more than male ones (mostly). However, I feel this strong pressure to be a stereotypical man in order to be considered a "real man" by the FTM community. This has left me feeling very conflicted, confused, & sad. Can I still be considered transmasculine, even if I'm more feminine than stereo-typically masculine?

    In addition, I'm not sure that I'd want to transition fully; the negative side effects of HRT really scare me, & sometimes (rarely) I feel somewhat okay or neutral about my female body, so I'm questioning if transitioning is really the right thing for me. Is there such a thing as a partial transition? Can I make my features only somewhat more masculine, without transitioning the whole way (I'm interested in top surgery, but not bottom surgery)? I'm very confused & frustrated about all of this, & I feel somewhat lost, so any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you very much to anyone who reads this.
    1. Yes.

    2. It's common not to have bottom surgery. Bottom surgery options to have a phallus are honestly an absolute disaster right now. You're better off without it.

    I'm not sure where you live, so I don't know how the standards of care are in your area. But there are lots of things that would influence how your body takes to whatever dose of T you end up being on. For me, the standard dose ended up being too high, and I had to go down. My changes were faster than some others', but I've still got kind of a feminine body shape 20 months into HRT. I don't really have much facial hair; in fact, body hair wise, my sister is still hairier than I am. Things that are guaranteed to happen, though, are your voice getting deeper, acne, hair, and more muscle mass.

    Personally, I've felt very uncomfortable in FTM communities; I find that they prize traditional, hetero masculinity too much. That's not me; I identify as nonbinary, not male, so there's that. I've found myself much more at home with other nonbinaries, who accept gender as a spectrum of experience and presentation.

    I've found that after transitioning, I'm much more comfortable presenting in a feminine way, because I don't worry about being perceived as a woman for the way I dress + my body.

    What I would absolutely encourage you to do is seek out nonbinary/genderqueer communities with whom to bring up your concerns. I'd also like to invite you to PM me if you have questions, if you need to vent, whatever. I went through something very similar to your current experience when I was just starting out. I don't consider my transition (HRT + top surgery) partial-- I found myself in an androgynous place I always wanted to be in that makes me happy, even though my body isn't "male" to everyone who sees me. The only way it's "partial" to me is that I picked a name that is undeniably male so that I would have an easier time as a person "on paper" in this society-- and it's a name I like, but would be perfect if it were a gender-neutral name.

    Good luck, take your time with this, and ride out the feelings as they come. I know it's stressful and can be scary. But you don't need to be alone in this-- I'll always welcome you to come to me.

  7. #7

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    The Laws in every nation regarding gender identity or reassignment are the same.

    1. You must dress act and live the gender you want

    2. HRT is required aswell as a continuous relationship with a psychiatrist and therapist

    3. Reassignment is only granted when and if your psychiatrist and therapist agree you are ready and can handle it.

    4. Surgery costs as much as$ 140,000 that you pay for out of pocket in most cases.

    5. Partial transition is possable the only problem you will generally have is with DMV changing your OLN to list your new identity.

    6. With a partial transition if you ever go to jail or prison you go to solitary confinement because you are a threat to order in either of the populations.

    Good luck and if I can help with any other questions post or pm me.

  8. #8

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    Firstly look at the WPATH Standards of Care for transgender people - http://www.wpath.org/

    you seem hemmed in by the Gender Binary concepts of western society. I am MTF and getting to grips with all of this at the moment. I know a fair few FTM's some that you would consider 'hyper masculine' others that you would probably put somewhere in the middle being more masculine than feminine. The main thing is that you select the right treatments for you (e.g. mastectomy) that allow you to present in a way that is congruent with your mental image.

    You can do as much or as little as you feel that you need to do. As to the laws where you are, I cannot comment but in Scotland, I could declare myself female, have my passport changed and do nothing else. After a period of time and with the support of a psychiatrist, I can get my birth certificate reissued as Female yet still be effectively a biologically functioning male. Now that is an extreme example and is unlikely for me (I will most likely start hormones within the next 18 months).

    What I am trying to say is just be you. Read up and educate yourself on the standards of care and stop comparing yourself to others. You do not need to be hyper masculine to be 'trans enough'.

    Hang in there,

    DLE

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tetra View Post
    The Laws in every nation regarding gender identity or reassignment are the same.
    Honestly, that's not true. Some more conservative parts of the US use the Harry Benjamin standards of care, which are very pathologizing and dehumanizing. Others use the WPATH standards. Different countries have different lengths of time re: how long to present as your target gender, what "target gender presentation" entails, how long to see your therapist for transition, how many therapists, whether or not HRT is required, how long to be on it, etc. So while the standards you outlined are pretty universal, there are a lot of particulars you didn't really touch on, which differ regionally. And you kind of worded it as if every country does it exactly the same, down to those particulars, no matter what.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tetra View Post
    The Laws in every nation regarding gender identity or reassignment are the same.

    1. You must dress act and live the gender you want

    2. HRT is required aswell as a continuous relationship with a psychiatrist and therapist

    3. Reassignment is only granted when and if your psychiatrist and therapist agree you are ready and can handle it.

    4. Surgery costs as much as$ 140,000 that you pay for out of pocket in most cases.

    5. Partial transition is possable the only problem you will generally have is with DMV changing your OLN to list your new identity.

    6. With a partial transition if you ever go to jail or prison you go to solitary confinement because you are a threat to order in either of the populations.

    Good luck and if I can help with any other questions post or pm me.
    Cuse me....but I've never heard of any form of Sexual Reassignment Surgery costing more than $30,000 ANYWHERE.
    also DMV has to respect gender identity stuffs in most cases, it requires a bit of hoop jumping and a doctor signing off on the fact you have gender identity but otherwise you can change it to friggin be a dolphin, they really don't care.
    HRT is NOT required, what the person DEEMS they require is required, you are NOT the person making the decisions.
    The live-in-for-a-year thing is an outdated practice and more and more places are throwing it away, including all of the US/Canada to my knowledge, as well as I'm pretty sure the UK.
    6 is....variable depending on where in the world you are and why you're being sent to jail and you won't get sent to solitary.

    3 is pretty much the only true thing you've said, although there are ways around it like going to Thailand or Mexico/etc where doctors just care about getting paid and will still do (in Thailand especially!) amazing work, usually for less cost than in the US/UK/Canada as well.

    Educate yourself next time and don't go spouting out stuff that will just depress the person desperate for help :\

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