I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much; the reason is that something has left me feeling very conflicted & depressed lately, that something being my gender identity.
I was assigned a female at birth & am physically female. Growing up I was very feminine, but around the time I started puberty, I began changing my gender presentation. I cut my hair short & started trying very hard to get into stereotypical masculine interests, like sports & comic books (the interest in comic books stuck). Since puberty, I have often not felt "right" or at peace with my physical body.
A few years ago (two to three), I started questioning my gender identity, & found some comfort in a FTM community & identity. Again, though, I felt like I had to be hyper masculine in order to be transmasculine. I still had (& still have) stereo-typically feminine interests & identify with fictional female characters more than male ones (mostly). However, I feel this strong pressure to be a stereotypical man in order to be considered a "real man" by the FTM community. This has left me feeling very conflicted, confused, & sad. Can I still be considered transmasculine, even if I'm more feminine than stereo-typically masculine?
In addition, I'm not sure that I'd want to transition fully; the negative side effects of HRT really scare me, & sometimes (rarely) I feel somewhat okay or neutral about my female body, so I'm questioning if transitioning is really the right thing for me. Is there such a thing as a partial transition? Can I make my features only somewhat more masculine, without transitioning the whole way (I'm interested in top surgery, but not bottom surgery)? I'm very confused & frustrated about all of this, & I feel somewhat lost, so any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much to anyone who reads this.