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Thread: In an odd position with my feelings

  1. #1

    Default In an odd position with my feelings

    Hey everybody, it's been a while. I figure a lot of you don't know who I am or don't remember me. Anyways, I'll get down to it.

    I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend Grace. She's absolutely amazing, I am so happy to have her, truly, being with her feels so right. We have the same interests pretty much down to the smallest thing. A lot of the time we'll watch TV together and play games together, and she's just fantastic to me, she does so much for me and I make sure I do the same for her every time I get the chance. She's known I'm a Little for quite some time now and none of this is sexual for me and my Little needs are somewhat minuscule truthfully, just cuddling and minor things make me so happy in that way, in the past my little was neglected as most of us I imagine encounter at times. So I learned to live with the smaller things and just not ask so much, which really, I never wanted much to begin with. Well, she's 'mommy' and I really have trouble even coming to terms with that honestly. It's complicated. I didn't have a great relationship with my mother as a kid so that kind of thing is very... eggshells, I guess? I was too honest about things, I told her that I liked the idea of having a mommy because we're just so open, and she pushes to do it for me, and I just feel so bad for her even doing it for 15 minutes. I will sit there and count the clock and I won't let a second more pass. It's nice but it's more draining than anything to feel so bad coming out the other end of that tunnel. I've approached her about it and she understands, she knows my childhood wasn't amazing, and I assured her it had nothing to do with her. Anyways, I've tried to slowly progress with Little time, and I can do it solo for hours on end and feel great, but its' meaningfulness is limited compared to what I feel a relationship with another in this could reach. Ultimately, I'm asking about any tips to sort of break those barriers and get through to the more vulnerable areas. Sorry for all of the tangents, I hope you all are doing absolutely fantastic and thank you so much in advance.

    -Mara

  2. #2

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    We can make things so complicated. Over think things and miss the forest because of the trees...



    Quote Originally Posted by SoHMara View Post
    I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend Grace... She does so much for me and I make sure I do the same for her every time I get the chance. She's known I'm a Little for quite some time now and none of this is sexual for me and my Little needs are somewhat minuscule truthfully, just cuddling and minor things make me so happy in that way, in the past my little was neglected as most of us I imagine encounter at times... I was too honest about things, I told her that I liked the idea of having a mommy because we're just so open, and she pushes to do it for me, and I just feel so bad for her even doing it for 15 minutes. I will sit there and count the clock and I won't let a second more pass. It's nice but it's more draining than anything to feel so bad coming out the other end of that tunnel... Ultimately, I'm asking about any tips to sort of break those barriers and get through to the more vulnerable areas.

    -Mara
    My biggest suggestions is to be more honest with yourself and your girlfriend. You acknowledge that you have reached the limit of what you may do by yourself. You want more. She wants more. Communication is key to every relationship. Were you really too honest with her about your desires? May I suggest that you opened up a new opportunity for both of you to get more from the relationship. It is a win for both of you; regret is wrong here.

    The real question is what is what is driving the feelings. I may guess what is part of her wanting more: she wants to just cuddle. No sex, just cuddle. Of course, I am just guessing. Asking her will give a real answer. Can you decide to go longer to do more for her and think about how happy she is while doing it? In other areas of your life, you put her first. Try putting her needs first here also.

    Now, what is driving your feelings? Why watch the clock? Why feel bad for having her participate? Why be drained after 15 minutes? These questions all come from what you believe about the situation. The thoughts running through your mind are evidence of those beliefs. Also, it is exhausting to stare at a clock for 15 minutes; that alone will drain you! As long as you believe you were "too honest" and "she pushes", Mommy time will be miserable. Most AB's would love to be in your situation; to have an accepting and supportive "Mommy". When you decide that telling her was a good decision and had an awesome response, your whole attitude and mindset will change. Welcome the times to explore your Little side with someone so supportive and open!

    Another thought on feelings is the past. It shapes and molds us only when we allow it. Holding on to your childhood will make it difficult to allow others close when you are Little. It is also draining to constantly be forcing away past memories from the present. Some say, " the past is the past; leave it there." Now, how do we let go of it? When past feelings come to mind, try holding them for a moment, recognizing what they are, and then shifting your focus back to the present. This takes your energy off the past and back to the present. Much more energy efficient this way. A word of caution: holding past emotions even for a moment may be visible to those nearby. I feel that warning your girlfriend about this in advance is manditory. Otherwise, she may get confused how you could suddenly display strong negative emotions and wonder what she did wrong. This technique is called "Mindfulness Exercise" and helped me significantly in other areas of my life.

    One final thought on emotions is triggers. Some people with difficult pasts have things that can put them back into that emotional state or "trigger" a sudden outburt. For some, it can be a certain touch, smell, or sound. Combat veterans are a frequent example, but anyone can develop them. If you discover an emotional trigger, discuss it with your girlfriend. People usually avoid these. If unavoidable or undesirable, they carefully try to break them.

    I wish you the best of luck with your feelings and your girlfriend. With more communication, things will only get better!

  3. #3

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    Well to be honest I was taken away from my father for child abuse after he murdered my mom and tried to kill me so I carried a lot of "baggage" my whole life until last year.it took until 45 years old to jettison the garbage I carried. Please don't try this at home but what made me wake up and cleanse my heart and soul was dying. I took my Meds at bedtime and woke up what I thought was the next morning and was informed that I in fact was not waking up in truth I had died of cardiac arrest and was found dead in bed was successfully resuscitated but went into a coma it took months laying in I.C.U. to find my way back and I am very gratefull for the second chance but this time its my life and I'm living it yo the fullest obviously this is not typical but I highly recommend you find a therapist you can trust and unload some of what haunts you.You are worth the effort and living again with out the "baggage" is well worth the time and effort. Pm me if I can help.

  4. #4

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    I thank you two for your responses, I truly have been very direct and honest with her about everything. That's something I made sure of, I know how badly things can go when you're less than honest with your partner in situations like these. I've been trying to sift through my baggage and all of that nonsense for some time now, and I'm getting further down the path to change. The emotion thing is smart, and we've actually had that happen before, where she reads the emotions on my face and asks what's going on, so we've been down that road and everything is truly out in the open. We're taking it slow. I've managed to be little with her for multiple 15-30 minute periods in one day, so that's a pretty big step I feel. I used to really dodge little time with other people, I was masterful at coming up with excuses and changing subjects, so this really has been a big step.

    I also think some therapy would be pretty beneficial, and I'm looking into my options right now.

    As for her desires for little time, she's really up for whatever I'm up for, she is an incredibly open person, one of the most open people I've ever met. I find the idea of focusing on her needs during little time stressful, but maybe I'll try that.

    Thank you guys

  5. #5

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    Glad to hear you are making progress. I understand that focusing on her needs during Little time may be stressful. I also understand that whatever is your current focus during Little time with her is also stressful. Switching to something else seemed reasonable; that was my only idea. Talking about her needs before and after will also help.

    Therapy can be very helpful. That is where I learned the Mindfulness Exercise. Find one you trust and will listen. Not every technique works for everyone. If it is not working, let them know and possibly consider something else. I learned several exercises before finding one that worked for me. One technique I learned for relaxing during a group session caused me to flee in panic the first time. Still the only person the group leader has seen panic during a relaxing exercise. I had to practice that technique extra hard before figuring it out. Like most things in life, therapy requires work and gives you what you put into it. If you think it may help, definitely worth a try. Helped me greatly.

    May you find the answer!

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