Whatever so I'm just writing this post in response to all the people who always tell me to talk to people about my depression and suicidal feelings but I am asking for help on the reason that I can't talk to anyone. That makes no sense.
What I'm trying to get at is the fact that I cannot ever bring myself to talk to anyone in real life about it. I've tried so hard talking to my parents but I cannot make myself do it. There's nothing I can do to overcome this fear.
I've tried so hard over the past month to kill myself but I can never make myself do it. Every day at school I make up my mind that that night, I would do it. But, when the time comes I am never able to do it. I failed most of my exams and my teachers are so angry with me because I've got all this stuff due that I haven't been able to do.
I find it really hard to concentrate during school because all I can think about is how I don't need to worry about any of it because I'm going to kill myself anyway. But then I can never do it.
I hate my friends and the people around my so much because they're always so mean to me. They never want to be around me and they'll just find any excuse they can think of for not being around me. Sure, I can maybe talk to one of them but as soon as they see one of their other friends they'll just literally run off and leave me.
What can I do? I can't talk to anyone and I'm basically just failing at everything at the moment. I could never go to a psychiatrist or anything because they scare me, not to mention it costs an arm and a bloody leg just to see them. I don't want to go to school next week because my teacher will probably ask why I didn't send her that report on Friday. I promised her I'd get it to her. But what could I do? Lying was all I could do to get her off my back. Anyway, it hopefully won't matter soon.
Fuck, what can I do though? Everyone is always to mean to me and I can't ever talk to anyone about anything.